Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by the show unknowingly filming me while I was showing off my summer bod in Thailand:

We're in Thailand this week! Because I guess they saved so much of the production budget by going to Richmond before. For the record, I've never been to Thailand, but I know I'd be a sweaty, pho'kin mess the entire time (see what I did there). This is my way of letting the producers know I can't go to extremely humid locations for my season.

Becca begins the episode by teling us that she's in love with Blake, in love with Garrett and "falling in love" with Jason. So gee golly, I wonder who will go home this week.

Blake's love is pho'real
Blake is up first. They head to these woods that you're not allowed to make out in. So they koala hug and makeout a bunch to last them through this beautiful hike through sacred grounds.

In the woods, they meet up with a couple of monks who provide them with sage wisdom and advice and to be completely honest, it seems wasted on a woman whose catchphrase is "Let's do the damn thing."

I have to bring up something here that I know you're all wondering too: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BACKPACK COME FROM? And also, are there snacks in it? And if so, what kind of snacks? Is there enough trail mix for everyone?

Anyway, the monks stress the importance of honesty, compromise, patience and giving in a relationship, which are coincidentally enough all of the things I sacrifice for this show. I honestly compromise my patience in giving attention to it WEEK AFTER WEEK.

They reflect on the sage advice and their relationship and then Blake tops off the moment by creepily closed-mouth smiling at Becca.

Every girl loves a good creepy closed-mouth smile. I can't tell if he's infatuated with her or wants to steal her beauty then cackle like a witch.

During the night portion of the date, Becca tells Blake that every time she sees him, it gets better and better. Kind of like banana bread after you let it sit for a day or so. In return, Blake continues his acoustic ballad of anxiety, saying that he knows she feels strongly about the other guys, but that none of them can feel as much for her as he does.

Becca obviously invites Blake to the Fantasy Suite that is apparently opened using a key from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I love how asking someone to the Fantasy Suite is always done by giving them an envelope to read while you sit right next to them. Has anyone ever said no to the F Suite? Also, here was Blake's reaction to being asked:

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The next morning we find that she Alex Mack'd out of her dress, as it is perfectly laid out on the floor. It's like she poofed into thin air, but thoughtfully poofed, and ensured her dress fell ever so neatly. Science is crazy.

Maybe next Thai'm, Jason
Next is Jason. We know this date is not going to end well based on the fact that it begins with eating crickets. Like sorry, but if you're the dude whose date includes eating bugs that are loud as hell and friends with a puppet who lies, the outlook is bleak.

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Jason says that he's found his best friend and partner and he's ready for Becca to be his fiancee and my only concern here is: does Jason not already have a best friend? Because if you're finding your best friend after coming on a show for 2 months, maybe you should take a moment to reflect.

So they explore a market and some temples and at one point Becca makes some remark about their future. Mentioning a future with Jason hits her harder than a 12-pack of Taco Bell tacos. She immediately feels weird about it. So much so that a producer who looks a lot like Shiri Appleby's character in "UnReal" (omg you guys that show) comes on screen to comfort her by being a good friend and asking her what's wrong. On camera.

Becca says that she wishes she didn't allude to the future with Jason and we know she means business because she puts her hair in a ponytail. When any woman is in a stressful or anxiety-producing situation, the first thing we do is put our hair up. It's science. I polled every woman.

Later they have dinner in a dark ass room lit by what seems to be only one tiki torch. Jason, who looks tan as hell, completely opens up and admits all of his feelings for Becca. Becca responds by being extra as hell and "excusing herself" for a moment.

She returns to deliver an encore of her breakup anthem "I Don't See Us Getting There" and he is completely blindsided about being dumped. But being the sweet guy he is, Jason says that he came into this rooting for her and he will always root for her and hopes she finds happiness.

After he leaves, she retires to the Fantasy Suite alone where she could've put on Spotify's complete playlist of Danity Kane songs while drinking these two fruity drinks and a bottle of champagne:

But instead of doing that while wearing all the silky robes I'm sure are included in this fancy room, she cries while repeatedly saying "What am I doing." I felt bad for her though, because crying while saying "What am I doing" is exactly what I do when I'm near a dog but too shy to ask its owner if I can pet it. And then it leaves out of my life forever. Heartbreaking.

Chrissy Teigen
Okay that isn't a pun but she's half Thai, so it seems applicable. And also Garrett doesn't deserve a fun pun title.

So goofy ass Garrett is last. They decide to go rafting on what happens to be a Thai national holiday, so the river is like a community pool on the first day of summer. Full of people and rafts and also elephants.

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Becca admits that she would love for Garrett to tell her he loves her but she doesn't know "if he's there yet." If we've learned anything, it's that Becca's use of "there yet" is her version of Arie's "I love that." Stay tuned for next season when the choice filler word is "This," finally getting its time in the spotlight.

Later at dinner, she relates the craziness of rafting through people and elephants to navigating a relationship, which is true because they're rafting around the elephant in the room of Garrett being an ignoramus.

She obviously invites him to the Fantasy Suite and I'm always going to think it's weird that Chris Harrison is the one who signs off on these invite cards. Like some sort of creepy fairy godmother saying "Got you this sex room, have fun!"

Okay and I know that this is a TV show with makeup artists, but it kills me that the producers lead us to believe that Becca wakes up looking flawless. I mean, if she does, then kudos. But for reference, I'm providing a photo of what I look like in the morning compared to Becca:

I MEAN, WHO IS WHO?

Just some loose ends to Thai up
Before we can get to the pointless Rose Ceremony, Jason comes to offer Becca a proper goodbye looking fine as hell with in his little white button down and man boots.

He tells her that their abrupt ending was unsettling and he just feels like he needs to talk to her. She tells him that she felt terrible, like she was Arie (because that's as terrible as it gets). He's not angry and wishes her well and gives her this precious ass scrapbook that I'm sorry, but he clearly did not make. For all we know, it's a random book that some production assistant had to paste poems about Shawn Mendes and magazine clippings of Zac Efron in. WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

The final rose ceremony is more pointless than the second set of chopsticks that Chinese restaurants give you in your takeout order of 50 entrees that are all for you. She has two roses. There are two guys she's in love with. GASP WHAT WILL SHE DO.

SHOCKER: They both get a rose. And dramatic music plays as Blake realizes that, wait a minute, Becca likes this other guy too.

And in two weeks, the engagement takes place in the Maldives! Proving that going nowhere cool this season paid off in the end. Before that, see you next week for The Men Tell All!

Til then, find me lurking outside of Shawn Mendes' dressing room and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).