Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's episode is brought to you by the guys who Becca has had the most intellectually stimulating conversation with thus far:

"I'm starting to feel the feelings of love again"
That's not just what I say when I finally eat Taco Bell again, it's also what Becca confesses upon letting us know this episode takes place in the bustling metropolis of Richmond, Virginia. Apparently the production budget ran out for the week. Also, thank you to the producers for this super helpful visual:
Before the dates even begin, Lincoln and Ben Stiller-lookalike Chris get into a dumbass argument. Chris, who is in some sort of competition with himself to see how many words per minute he can say, mentions that he "wants" either a one-on-one or a two-on-one date. This rubs Lincoln the wrong way as he thinks you should take what you can get. They proceed to do this thing where they're not making eye contact but essentially yelling back and forth "You're dumb" "No you're dumb" "No you're dumb" and all I could think of is, do think these dodos try to put their pants on both legs at once.
This all bubbles up with Chris telling Lincoln he "would destroy him." Which, if we know anything about dudes, it's that ones who say they will "destroy" anything can literally only destroy a toilet after a buffet, so.

Wait, when did Jess Mariano arrive
Jason continues to serve us 90s heart throb vibes by giving us Milo Ventimiglia in Gilmore Girls this week. He's chosen for the first one-on-one and Becca tells him she has a lot of "surprises" in store, none of which involves leaving Richmond, which would be the greatest surprise of all.

One of Becca's "surprise" stops is this local donut shop where they reenact the scene featured in every romantic comedy that involves food - they glaze this giant heart donut and omg you guys, they're both so quirky and get glaze on their faces before Becca, because she's such a kidder, tries to stuff a piece of the donut in Jason's face. Gee golly, love is so funny!
After visiting some other historical sites, they head to the Edgar Allen Poe Museum and its "Unhappy Hour," which appears to be a gathering of people who take themselves very seriously and likely refer to Edgar Allen Poe as "Ed" and think he's still alive. Jason joins in with this lady who's doing some sort of weird goth dancing (is that a thing?) and honestly this entire part of the date was in...POE....form (haha omg you guys are so lucky to have me).
Post-weird dancing, they head to this brewery where Becca surprises Jason with his best friends from home who all look like off-brand versions of various celebrities:
They get to know each other and Jason's friends seem to like Becca, ultimately telling her that if she gets him, she gets all of them also, which is great news for her attendance at future Dawson's Creek and Friends conventions.

During dinner, Jason talks about his grandma having Alzheimer's and how it impacted his dad and made him realize you can't take anything for granted, which Becca agrees with having experienced losing her dad. It's actually one of the deeper conversations I've seen on this melting ice cream cone of a show, and it made me like Jason more.

In the end, they both say they're falling for each other, she gives him a rose and there's a shit ton of kissing.

"It's my time to shine"
Chris thinks the group date will be his time to shine when we all know that the only shining happening is on his forehead.

For this group date, they all head to the capital where the guys participate in something that mimics a political debate.
Things are going alright at first - Colton says his ideal date with Becca would be an afternoon at a dog park, Connor talks about his perfectly coifed hair, Wills says that Becca makes him feel like he's on top of the world.

But things take a turn for The Kookoo Igloo when Lincoln takes a dig at Chris by saying unlike Chris, he's never thought of packing his bags to leave (cue the OOOOHHHH). This provokes Chris' word vomit and the words just start pouring out nonsensically, which is always the best way to prove to someone that you are not crazy and completely in control of your emotions. I didn't pay attention to anything he said because I was distracted by his giant orange handkerchief that reminded me of those endless scarfs clowns pull out of their mouths.
I kept thinking he was going to show us a magic trick, aside from how to make a woman disappear (OOOOOOOHHHH). Becca and Chris Harrison's reactions to Chris' ramblings together actually perfectly encapsulate everyone's reaction:
During the evening portion of the date, Lincoln is still chugging the haterade and tells Becca that he's "scared" of Chris and what he might do. Becca brings this up with Chris, asking him a lot of questions about his behavior, which just gets his mouth gears a'goin. Chris says that everything Lincoln said is fabricated (who taught him that word) and follows this up with the greatest hits album by Toxic Dudes You Shouldn't Date, which includes such classics as "How can you even ask ask me that" and "Whether you want to believe me or not" and also "It hurts me that you would ask that."

As with every interaction with Chris, Becca leaves the conversation feeling like she just ate sashimi at a hot outdoor market in Iowa - unsure of what just went down and pretty unsettled. During her time with racist Garrett, she can't even concentrate on the ugly ass cowboy boots he insists on wearing because she is in such a "bad headspace."

She eventually gathers herself though and spends time with the rest of the guys and ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

When you remember you're a 100-year-old vampire and wonder how you got here

Never discount my God-given ability to only capture screenshots of people blinking. Shoutout to ABC for this super emo Joey Potter'esque moment of...reflection (WOW YOU GUYS WOW).

In which we go on an oyster date but barely eat any oysters
Becca, who is "emotionally exhausted" chooses long-haired Leo for the second one-on-one date at an oyster farm. They take a little plane ride over and while Leo preciously holds her hands, Becca looks about as interested in it all as I am in sugar-free candy.
She tells him that she isn't her full self yet after last night's events, and again I have to reiterate, SHE KNEW WHAT THIS SHOW WAS BEFORE SHE SIGNED ON. Like, she was LITERALLY on the show before. She understands that the premise is to meet 500 bogus dudes, 80% of which probably just learned that penicillin isn't made from pencils, in hopes of finding that unicorn of a man who can tell left from right without having to make an L with both hands.

After detailing how "emotionally drained" she is from talking to a bunch of dudes because she is on a show based on talking to a bunch of dudes, she feels better. They then board a boat to head out to gather oysters which seems to mean picking them up off the floor of this river. I thought this part of the date was pretty cute and Leo seems like a genuinely sweet guy.
Cuteness aside, these dodo birds picked maybe 3 oysters total and ate one each. How are you gonna be surrounded by fresh ass FREE oysters and not eat 50 at minimum? I hate this show.

Later, dinner takes place at the foot of some stairs in what appears to be a fancy library or an abandoned hotel.
Leo says that he has always looked up to his dad, but always felt like he failed him and in general just wasn't good enough. Becca responds by telling him he's an amazing person before making out with him and giving him a rose.

And because it's been a while since we've ended a date with a random ass concert with a vageuly country'ish singer, that happens. Becca and Leo dance in front of a room of strangers who Becca claims are "fans" of this singer. As you can tell from this photo, everyone was really captivated by him.
Oh good, more Chris
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Chris realizes he's 400 words short of his daily goal and that just will not stand. He walks over to Becca's hotel and in what may be the most unbelievable act of the entire show, she answers the door still in full makeup, hair and her dress.
I have polled every woman and we all agree that you do the following things when returning to a hotel room: 1) Remove bottoms 2) Remove top 3) Remove makeup 4) Roll around the really cold sheets on the hotel bed 5) Watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians while ordering 3 plates of fries from room service.

I need to note that on his walk over, Chris says that Lincoln is a monster because he eats 12 eggs a day and his cholesterol must be so high. This might be one of the least effective yet medically true insults I've ever heard.

Anyway, in Becca's hotel room, Chris plays more hits from his most recent album, "Desperate Crazy Guy." He tells her that he can see himself proposing and Becca reminds him that just last week, he threatened to go home, to which he says "I need you to not think about that anymore." She goes on to tell him that his dramatic behavior really dragged down this entire time in AMAZING Richmond. He calls that "adversity" and says he won't let it stop him from pursuing Becca and I swear I thought he was going to reveal he had gotten a back tattoo of Becca's face.
Ultimately, Becca tells him that they're not "there" and they'll probably never get there and it's the end of the road for him, which upsets Chris because he's still 25 words short of the world record for most words said in a day.

We are reminded just how fragile the male ego is when Becca asks to walk Chris out and he says "Nah, I'm good" and she's like "I'm going to walk you out" and he's like "I don't need a walkout" and honestly at that point I wish she just would've started singing "NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE."

And with that, we are rid of Sweaty McCrazy Pants!

It is confirmed: We cannot trust Becca's judgment. She sends Connor home (along with Lincoln who we do not care about) and if I'm being honest, I'm shocked he stuck around this long. Aside from the first week, I do not remember him interacting with Becca AT ALL. In a way, I respect her for keeping him around for so long, purely as a visual stimulant. And look, just as men shouldn't objectify women, women also shouldn't objectify..HAHA JK omg I would pay money to date this spicy little nugget. Til then, I guess sliding into the DMs will have to do.

And that's it for the week! Now that Connor is gone, I'm ready for this season to be over so we can move onto Bachelor in Paradise, which by the way has cast all of the best people including my main girl Tia! Who we can only hope ends up with Venmo John.

See you next week! As always, find me creeping in the bushes and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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