What Did We Learn from the 2013 Grammy Awards?

Let me begin this post by correcting fools on every social media outlet (particularly Facebook) who were spelling "Grammys" as "Grammies." On music's biggest night, they were handing out trophies, not elderly women. Check yo'self.

As proved evident in all my previous "What Did We Learn" posts, Seacrest and Rancic never disappoint on their level of awkwardness and general failure as Red Carpet hosts. Thus, I won't go into too much detail regarding their shortcomings. Except for this gif of Lady Seacrest hitting T.Swift in the eye with his mic. Everyone wins!

To the show!

First off, I enjoy the drinking game that was invented where you drink everytime LL Cool J licks his lips. I was drunk by the end of his opening monologue. Are his lips that dry? Being that he's famous, can't he afford high quality moisturizer? I'll send him some Burt's Bees.

Adele won the first award of the night. For a song off an album that swept the Grammys last year. A song which she sang live. In other words, Adele could literally sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in her shower, and it'd win for Best Pop Song. And Best R&B Song. And Best Folk Song. I'm also pretty sure she's nominated for three Espy Awards this year.

It was a big night for the group fun. Though I continue to be eluded by the fact that their lead singer looks like a cartoon character whose name I can't think of. And he continues to wear pants that are both too short for him ("flood" pants) and too tight. I was confused by his pants during their performance, as I was unsure if they were those compression running tights, or well, no that's what they were. Man-pris. And leggings. Manpri-leggings.

Pregnancy can occur via television, as was proved by Miguel's voice and Justin Timberlake in general. My clothes literally melted off my body when both of them sang. It was some sort of phenomenon. I also laughed when JT and Seacrest were on stage together. You could tell Seacrest was marveling at Justin, thinking to himself, "One day, I'll be a real boy!"

Faith Hill has braces. I won't make any jokes here because I know her pain. Also, someone tell Tim McGraw that leather cowboy hats are no longer in, and haven't been in since they were invented.

It was pretty thoughtful of Johnny Depp to make an appearance at the show. His pirate ship captain let him have some land liberty for the weekend to enjoy festivities. But, like Ariel from "The Little Mermaid," he had to return to the ship prior to midnight, otherwise all of those dirty handkerchiefs he wears would vanish into dust. Therefore taking away his pirate-status, AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

One of the most entertaining moments of the night was when Kelly Clarkson went up to accept her award. Girl was drunk as hell, don't act like you didn't see it. First she stumbled over to Katy Perry and John Mayer and said something to them, probably to the effect of, "Oh blargh blarh, ya'll are blargh still frazzle blargh." Then she hugged Miranda Lambert and their dresses got caught together. But, she went back stage, drank 2 pots of coffee and returned to give a flawless performance. Coffee works, ya'll!

ONE WORD: RI-RI. That's one word right? Like a compound word. Rihanna's voice has gotten so much better as compared to her "Pon de Replay" days. And she showed it off. Both figuratively and literally, as the dress she sported on the Red Carpet let us all see her Ri-Nipples. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't suffer an injury, since he stood eye-level to them during their interview. If it had been cold out, he most surely would've suffered a scratched cornea. I'm going to side-step her poor choices in the relationship department, but GIIIRL. Enough said.

Mumford & Sons took home the biggest prize of the evening, but more importantly, CAREY MULLIGAN! This moment was too presh. I literally said "AWW" out loud, as if I had just seen two puppies wearing sweaters, snuggling.

Prince is still fierce. He peacocked onto stage, presented the award, then essentially received credit for Gotye and Kimbra's success during their acceptance speech. That is how you do it. I especially liked how when he walked onto stage, he paused slightly, so as to let the lesser folk take all of his ferocity in.

So, LL Cool J closed the show. I'm guessing no one else was available. I felt sort of embarrassed by it. It was like watching your older uncle try to rap Jay-Z at your birthday party. Plus, he literally seemed to be holding the microphone in his mouth. Hands-free, ya'll!

Final Thoughts:
- I want to be a member of The Lumineers. Either the girl, because, did anyone even know there was a girl in The Lumineers? Didn't think so. Or, I'd want to be the guy who "plays" the tambourine and only says "HO!" during their song. I could do either of these jobs with ease.
- There were far too many shots of T.Swift dancing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
- Next year, Adele will return and win every single award.

Hope everyone enjoyed the show! Katy Perry's huge set of...jewelry thanks you for your attention.