Friday, December 1, 2017

The K-Mac Stack - 12/1/2017

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and I've eaten my weight in mashed potatoes, I feel fully prepared to bring you a stuffed (haha get it) edition of this week's Stack.

I guess we'll never be royal
Okay just a few notes about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announcing their engagement and that ABC News interview:
  • Meghan is ridiculously gorgeous and lovely but girl don't play us with that "I didn't know much about him" BS. That'd be like if I won an internship with Oprah but was like "Wait, who's Oprah? Is she nice?"
  • DAMN, LOOK AT THAT DEATH GRIP THO. This is how you hold on to yo' man.
  • They claim they were set up by a woman who is their "mutual friend." Which, what. If I knew a mother fracking prince, I would not set one of my friends up with him. The only "setting up" that would happen would be me setting up a trap to keep him forever.
  • They also claim the engagement happened during a "cozy night in" where they were doing peasant shit like cooking chicken. We all know that royals spend their free time rolling around in rooms full of gold coins and jewels and crowns. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

Now that our Party Prince is officially off the market, don't fret. I have found us three new boyfriends who can provide us with love and happiness and also a crown:
Crown Prince Hussein of Jordan is 23 and first in line to the throne. He is the youngest person to ever chair a UN Security Council session (20) and earlier this year he delivered Jordan's speech at the UN General Assembly. All of this Amal Clooney stuff aside, he graduated from Georgetown last year so he's tryna take you out for cupcakes. 

Prince Mateen of Brunei is 26 and sixth in line to the throne. His family is worth a measly $20 billion, which, I don't know, I guess I could adjust to that. I'm pretty sure suits were made to be worn by him and also HIS BROWS ARE IMPECCABLE. Honestly, brow grooming should be one of the top requirements for being royal. Anyway, I'll see you all next year when I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair for entrapping, I mean, falling in mutual love with him.

Prince Eric is first in line to the throne and enjoys ships, contemplating life while sitting on the side of a ship, playing the flute on the side of a ship, jumping from a ship into water that contains a bigass octopus thing and most importantly, wearing a red belt thing that has no buckle or end and must just be a giant elastic waistband.

Let's talk about Grammy nominations
They came out earlier this week and I was, for the most part, pleased with them. Jay-Z got the most with 8, including album of the year. This is the first year EVER in the 60 years of the Grammys that a white man isn't nominated in the category. Which, speaking of, I WILL NEVER GET OVER BECK BEATING BEYONCE IN 2015. NEVER EVER. 

Anyway, while I personally like Kendrick Lamar's "Damn" album best, I feel Jay will probably win. When he does, please don't say that he is "avenging" Beyonce's loss to Adele because Beyonce will avenge herself. I'm hoping she'll release a mind-blowing album next year, right before cut-off for Grammy submissions, so it's fresh in everyone's mind and she'll come for all the awards that are rightfully hers while there's none for Swifty.

Speaking of, T.Swift's newest album was released after cut-off for this year's awards, so we'll have to wait until 2019 to see if her tragique new "bad" persona works out. Y'all. I can't get over it. She is like when you tried a smokey eye look for the first time and genuinely thought "Omg, I am a good girl gone bad just like Rihanna." From what I can tell, she equates wearing black clothes and a bad blunt haircut as "edgy" when we all know she's about as edgy as a rubber ball. #ThanksKimKForTheReceipts

Ending this by saying the most nominated woman is SZA with 5. I cannot stop screaming because "Ctrl" is an AMAZING album. I obsessively listen to it, every track in its entirety, which is not something I do very often. In fact, I usually only save it for the masterpiece known as "Danity Kane." You've probably heard her song "Love Galore," but you should also listen to "Drew Barrymore," "Supermodel," "Broken Clocks" AND DEAR GOD JUST THE ENTIRE ALBUM, OKAY.

Bet you didn't know I lent her this outfit after my mom said I couldn't wear it to church.
J.Law stopped creeping around with this creep
Katniss finally wised up and broke it off with Darren Aronofsky, the director of that ridic mother! movie and Black Swan, a film which still scares the shit out of me. She isn't responding to the emails I've been sending to, but I'm pretty sure they broke up because she realized he's 20 years older than her and looks like a creepy pot of overboiled pasta. Now, you know I subscribe to Aaliyah's "age ain't nothing but a number" philosophy, but that does not apply when the person looks like a thumb. Everyone knows that's just a rule of nature.

"I, Tonya" is definitely an Oscar contender
And I'm not just saying that because I got to go to a screening and see Margot Robbie's perfect face and lil' Sebastian Stan talk about the film after. The movie gives you a different perspective of the whole Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama and Margot's transformation into the role is incredible. It's all based on true events and is filmed almost like a documentary. Allison Janney plays Tonya's crazy ass, alcoholic, abusive mom and if she doesn't get a Best Supporting Actress nom while Margot gets a a Best Actress nom, I will burn this place down.

Who run the world
Billboard hosted their annual Women in Music event and honored several boss ass ladies, including Camila Cabello, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige and Kehlani. Selena Gomez was named Woman of the Year and she cried during her acceptance speech and I don't know, maybe my allergies were bothering me and I also got misty eyed. HER BEST FRIEND DONATED A KIDNEY TO HER TO SAVE HER LIFE OKAY. Meanwhile, my best friend Dr. Chloe said this to me recently: "Remember when you only wore plaid. That was so annoying." So, same.

I was also happy to see Kehlani recognized (with the "Rule Breaker Award") and she looked ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.
Her voice is insane and she's only 22 and has overcome so much to get to where she's at. Stop it y'all, you're gonna make me get all human emotional again and I can't do that twice in one year. But take some time to listen to her latest album, "SweetSexySavage." YOU'RE WELCOME.

She turned 32 yesterday and celebrated by not receiving a plane, trying the #OneChipChallenge and getting a precious ass card from Luna (later she had an actual party that was Pan-Am themed and Kim K and Kanye attended, but I figured you'd be more interested in this).
This momentous day reminds me of the first time I saw CT close-up. I had just moved to New York, in time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue launch. Okay, I know that sounds like it would be an event just full of creepy men ogling models, but that's not true. It was full of creepy old men ogling models and also me. This was as close as I got and let me just confirm that she is so gorgina you will weep. 
Cheers to another year of Chrissy! But not actually cheers because she's pregnant, which I would like to confirm to the masses that I am in fact not the surrogate.

Question of the week: What is this tomfoolery in "The Holiday"?
I was indulging in my tradition of watching "The Holiday" every day after Thanksgiving until Christmas when I noticed this glaring error:

Um, Kate Winslet's character is single and lives alone. SINGLE, LONELY PEOPLE DO NOT PUT COOKIES ONTO A PLATE, EVER. You just put that entire container or tray of cookies next to you, or sometimes on your belly while you're lying down, and eat all of them because mama didn't raise a quitter and because also you're a monster.

That's it for the week! Now I'm off to listen to SZA and Kehlani while eating 50-75 Golden Oreos.

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