Monday, March 5, 2018

What did we learn from the 2018 Oscars?

For comparison, I could have watched both VHS tapes of Titanic, rewound them, and watched again in the time it took this year's Oscars to finish. So now that I've aged and am full of wisdom, let's chat.

Oh E! honey, please have a seat
For the most part, major stars (ahem, the ladies) avoided chatting with Seacrusty, but I was still curious to see if someone would call him out about the sexual harassment allegations against him by a former stylist. And lo and behold, Cookie Lyon delivered:
Take off your sunglasses and put on a sweater, because there is plenty of shade here. I was screaming. And okay, sure she was talking about introducing Mary J. Blige later on in the night, but y'all. The way she touched his chin while saying, "You know what I mean?" Plus, when she moved on to the reporter next to Seacrest and was asked how she was doing, she replied "Great, now that I'm in your company." TARAJI P. HENSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Aside from Taraji, a few notable people stopped by, including Tiffany Haddish and Allison Janney, but for the most part, Seacrappy mostly got the white dudes. SHOCKING. As this ship continued to sink, the last hour of E!'s red carpet was literally just Rancic and Brad Goreski commenting on photos of dresses alongside former Teen Vogue Editor-in-Chief Elaine Welteroth.
First off, shoutout to Rancic for piecing together bits of cotton candy to create this dress. How is it not dissolving! Amazing! Secondly, how did Elaine not lose her shit being around this insane level of idiocy? A quick summary on her: When she took over as editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue last year, she became the youngest and the second person of color EVER to head a Conde Nast publication. At 29. TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD. She left the magazine last month and I guess this is her way of decompressing. Anyway, she looked phenomenal, which is a great segue into...

Best dressed
While my usuals — Emma Stone, Laura Dern, Margot Robbie — looked amazing, no one topped Jennifer of House Garner:
SYDNEY BRISTOW DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU HOES. I was and am still screaming about this. It's amazing what shedding 225 lbs of Affleck will do for your skin and body and overall aura. This blue gown complete with a cape and the simple elegant wavy hair and that smokey eye! It's physically exhausting to not use all caps here. I've been a fan of hers since Alias and yes, even Daredevil (MEANING I'M VERY LOYAL), so I'm glad to see that that huge Hooflack zit she carried around for so long didn't have a lasting effect.

Best Helen Mirren
Here is our queen just casually taking a shot of tequila while walking the carpet. I'd like to think that woman next to her with her hand out is her assistant saying "Come on Helen, we took 6 shots in the limo ride over. Please don't black out like you did at the SAG Awards." H.Mirr does what she wants! Plus she knew the show was about to be 16 hours long and there's no better way to get through that than with liquid courage that enables you to flirtatiously banter with Chadwick Boseman about him being Black Panther and you being a cougar.

As a note, I'm not including all of the winners below because I assume you all do not want commentary on every single second of the marathon show. Also, in general, the Oscars are pretty boring (THERE I SAID IT) partly because it's the last show of the season so we already know who will win and Academy voters are ridiculously predictable and also because the celebs are not given booze! It's like going to a wedding that features no open bar.

Let's begin with the things I was most excited about:

Jordan Peele!

The first black screenwriter to win Best Original Screenplay! Which, in my expert opinion is the only true writer's category because sorry bout it, but taking something that has already been published and trimming bits to create a movie is not the most creative thing (sorry Best Adapted Screenplay). This year, there were only two real contenders: Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Jordan Peele's "Get Out" because I'm not saying Guillermo Del Toro stole his film idea from a published playright, but I mean that playright's family is definitely saying that.

While I would've been happy with a Greta win, Jordan 100% deserved it. "Get Out" was THEEEEE most original film of the year. It was so carefully thought out and developed and the opposite of the bland boiled ham movies that the Oscar voters are used to. And look, "Get Out" is on HBO Go now, so you all have no reason whatsoever to not watch it because we all know you have your neighbor's ex-wife's mom's cat's password, so just do it.

Allison Janney!

Our girl went 3-for-3 (Golden Globe, SAG, Oscar)! And this was her FIRST nomination and her FIRST time attending the Oscars. I was actually pretty shocked to learn that she hadn't been nominated before, particularly for her role as Ms. Perky in "10 Things I Hate About You" or as Juno's dog-obsessed mom.

I have to point out that Allison's category, Best Supporting Actress, was hands-down the most competitive one with THE BEST performances of the year. Honestly, the Oscars should've done away with Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor and given those two trophies to Laurie Metcalf and Octavia Spencer. And I'm not talking shit about Gary Oldman but I mean, even I could play Winston Churchill if you put 15 lbs of makeup and prosthetics on my face. And not to discount Sam Rockwell's performance except no wait, here's a 50% off tag because literally any other mushy ex-frat bro could've played him in Billboards.

Frances McDormand!
Let me caveat this by saying I loved Frances McDormand in "Three Billboards" and we all knew she would win this. I'm sure you all have read the criticisms of the film, so I'll just say that there are problematic elements to it and there's a reason the director wasn't nominated. But Frances is simply amazing in it and absolutely the reason the film has received most of its accolades. During her speech, she asked all of the female nominees in the room to stand and dear God it warmed my frozen beef patty heart:
I caveated this because while I have enjoyed all of Frances' speeches this season and her no nonsense appeal, I was holding on to a tiny inkling of hope that Margot Robbie would swoop in with the upset. I thought she had the performance of the year, which, if you see "I, Tonya," I think you'll agree. And like I said, the women had outstanding performances this year — head and shoulders above most of the men. In such a stacked year, I'm sad Margot didn't get as much recognition for a role she so meticulously and flawlessly performed.

Back to Frances, she ended her speech by reminding people to request an inclusion rider in their contracts, which requires films to include a certain level of diversity in its cast AND crew.

Girls Trip 2!
Every year, the Oscars tease us with a coupling who should do a movie together — one year it was Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, the next it was Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence and this year, it was Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph. They had, quite literally, the only funny bit of the night, where they assured everyone that the Oscars were still pretty white. Also, Tiffany wore that white Alexander McQueen gown again, which I am 110% here for. Looking forward to having them host everything from now on, thanks, I'm glad Hollywood always take my opinion into account.

All of my boyfriends!
I've ordered my suitors here from youngest to oldest because I have a wide range of interests (and I can't believe I have to keep reminding y'all, but Shawn Mendes is 19, LEAVE US ALONE). So Shawn and Donald Glover only attended the Vanity Fair after party, which tbh is the best part of the Oscars if not just for the pics of A-listers eating In-n-Out. Mahershala, who won Best Supporting Actor last year, presented Allison Janney with her prize while wearing what appeared to be two-button down shirts at once. Even clothes love him so much that they all want to be on him at once.

Also, my advice to anyone is to diversify your portfolio to be able to attend max award show events. If you'll notice, Shawn is in music, Donald Glover is on TV (and in music, omg he does it all) and Mahershala is in film (and also TV, omg he does it all too). It's important to have a date to the Grammys, Emmys and Oscars.

Okay, so Emma Stone wasn't nominated this year, but she did wear a pants suit and was seated next to J.Law:
At this point, I believe J.Law might have been 2-3 white wines deep and Emma's thinking about how she will likely have to clean up vomit later. For reference on the wine, here we have a wild J.Law, pre-show, climbing over some seats without spilling a drop!
The fact that she's doing this in a heavy ass gown and stilettos is impressive in itself, but throw in the glass of wine and it's something you add to your resume. Have you ever jumped over seats in a theater? It always seems easy in your mind until you go to stretch your leg and realize you are not as nimble as you remember and you inevitably end up awkwardly straddling the top of the seat before giving your inner thigh seat burn as you drag it to the other side. Anyway, while J.Law athletically drank, our girl Emma kept that boss ass bitch pants suit flame going when she introduced the Best Director category:

I WAS HOLLERING. HOLLERING, Y'ALL. Apparently, some people (read: men) had an issue with Emma saying this, but I mean, it's fact. Four dudes and one Greta. Aside from Greta and Jordan Peele, I hated this category because the Academy failed to nominate Dee Rees and Patty Jenkins. Which, me hating things is a good segue into...

Things I screamed NOOOO at:

Guillermo Del Toro
Alright, so did I like "The Shape of Water"? No. But I mean, did I think that Guillermo Del Toro was a genius director who deserved to beat Greta Gerwig and Jordan Peele? ALSO NO.

Here is how I imagine Guillermo's creative process went with directing Shape of Water: "Hmm...I think this part needs more boobs" and also "This part definitely needs more boobs" and also "This part with the more boobs, there should also be sex with the fish man."

The Shape of Water, in general
Before I continue sipping on this gallon of Shape of Water haterade, I want to note that I did think the cinematography and score were lovely. Those paired with Octavia Spencer ALMOST made me like the film. ALMOST. But I just could not get over the core element of, oh you know, Sally Hawkins having sex with a fish-dinosaur man. And whatever I guess call me old-fashioned for not having the brain capacity to comprehend wanting to have sex with a creature that has gills and webbed hands and a smooth area that looks like a Ken doll. Don't get me wrong, I understood her caring about the fish-dino-man, because I mean it is a living creature. Kind of like how I love giraffes and would not like them to be hunted and killed. But do I want to have sex with giraffes? Um, no (where did you think that was going).

I assumed the Best Picture race was down to "The Shape of Water," "Three Billboards" and "Get Out." Ever the optimistic one, I thought the Academy's efforts to diversify its membership would boost "Get Out," but it seems there are still too many white men and not enough golf courses for them to retire to. And I guess Water winning was better than "The Post" or "The Darkest Hour" or "Dunkirk," all of which are piping cups of pandering tea to old Oscar voters.

Speaking of these, Christopher Nolan really should've considered featuring a scene in "Dunkirk" of Harry Styles singing a medley of One Direction hits. I bet that would've amplified the film to new levels. And "The Post" should've considered giving Meryl Streep more than 10 lines. But what do I know.

And so we concluded the night on a fishy note and I wondered where the last four hours of life went.

Final thoughts
WHERE THE HELL WERE MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND BUSY PHILIPPS?! Without them, we received no moments like this from last year's "La La Land" debacle:

Busy Philipps actually admitted that her husband had this photo framed for her, which omg same. Luckily, Jennifer Garner was ever so generous and provided us with the most meme'd moment of the night:
Here is a list of things I believe she could have been realizing in this moment:

- "Shit, did I leave my cell phone in the bathroom"
- "Wait, there is no way Arya and Sansa will both make it to the end of Game of Thrones"
- "Allison Williams' Get Out character ate the Froot Loops and the milk SEPARATELY"
- "Dora isn't really an explorer because she only goes into mapped territory"
- "Dogs are only a part of our life, but we are their ENTIRE life"

And that wraps up awards show season! Or well, officially. I'll be covering any and all events or gatherings or brunches with more than 2 celebs, so stay tuned.

See you all later this week as we drag ourselves to the finish line of The Bachelor!

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