Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's post is brought to you by this creepy doll that made its presence known during Lauren and Becca's last dates with Arie in Peru:
Sweet baby Jesus, it was all I could think about for most of the episode because nothing scares the shit out of me more than creepy dolls (and also child ghosts and clowns and creepy child clown dolls).

"When I PITCHER Peru, this is what I PITCHER"
I shouldn't be shocked that Arie pronounces "picture" like "pitcher," but his ignorance never ceases to amaze. He is 100% one of those guys who cannot differentiate between there/they're/their. 

So we're still in Peru and the two final victims, er ladies, get to meet Arie's family because honestly we're all curious about how Arie came to be. To summarize both of their meetings: Lauren smizes and says about 12 words and all of Arie's family agrees that Becca seems better suited for him.

For their final date, Arie takes Lauren to Macchu Picchu, which is pretty fracking cool. It is obviously raining and Arie being the kind gentleman he is, uses the umbrella to protect the thing most precious to him:
Himself, duh. They look out over Macchu Picchu as they didn't do any hiking because we've already seen how "athletic" Arie is. They walk around and compete with one another to see who can repeatedly say the most mundane words until Arie decides this date has been far too academic and corners Lauren for some of this:
This gives you a really good shot of Arie's light-washed dad jeans. We also get Arie basing his strong feelings for Lauren on the fact that he knows she has "a little speckle in her eye and that matters." In that case, can someone let Michael B. Jordan know that I noticed he has two eyes and a nose and a mouth and that matters and we should be together.

After Macchu Picchu, they move to whatever random Airbnb ABC has rented for the hour and at this point, Lauren decides it's time to booze up because Arie's about to "talk"
She says that they have a strong foundation because they've "gone through hard stuff." GIRL, WHAT HARD STUFF. DID I MISS THE EPISODE WHERE Y'ALL RAN THROUGH FRESH CEMENT OR SOMETHING? And in continuing their competition to be most eloquent, Arie says "When I look at you, I feel so much and I love that." Can we all agree to never say "and I love that" as a sentence ender after this?

Moving on. Becca is next for her "date." I don't have many notes for their outing because all they did was go to a market and try on llama sweaters and this hat while Arie aimed his deflated looking balloon lips at Becca:
I don't know what would be more frightening, seeing a shark swimming toward you or Arie's mouth coming in at full speed. They talk and he tells her that he's still feeling conflicted and doesn't know why and that he's "in his head" all the time, which is actually quite physically possible since there is plenty of room in there without a pesky brain taking up space. Becca ends the date by giving him this super cute scrapbook of their memories and the key item we learn here is that Becca has Asian handwriting. OH DON'T COME AT ME. Literally 98% of my Asian friends have this handwriting and it's what I, an Asian, tried to have for all of high school.
As a note, at the end of Arie's date with Lauren, he told her he was in love with her. Then at the the end of his date with Becca, he also told her he was in love with her. I'm 110% positive that had he gone on a date with Ursula next, he would've told her he was in love with her.

This week on "Laguna Beach," will Lauren be the one?
Do we even know if that curling iron is plugged in? Lauren B. is first in this carnival game to see if she picks the cup with the ring underneath and after spilling her heart, Arie lets her down like a mama bird throwing a baby bird out of the nest. He says that he gave it everything he had but there's still something holding him back. So he walks her to her car to leave and she cries and wishes him the best.

Becca is next and let's cut to the chase, he proposes:
I was pretty shocked to see that his fingers weren't covered in Cheetos dust. Becca says yes and after the obligatory hug-and-spin, he offers her the final rose and they drink champagne and it seems lovely:
Don't know if you noticed, but that's me in the background grazing on some grass. I was whisper screaming "BECCA DON'T DON'T DO IT GIRL YOU IN DANGER." I guess she couldn't hear me because following a montage of Arie and Becca doing "coupley" things in Peru, we get a shot of him walking in the rain being "pensive" while carrying the world's most obnoxiously large umbrella:
He sits down with Chris Harrison and says that he's been thinking of Lauren nonstop and needs to "follow his heart" and therefore wants to call off the engagement to Becca. And yes, that is of course what you do when you want to breakup with your fiancee, you go to a TV show host instead of, OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOUR FIANCEE?

In which we learn the producers/Arie are actually Satan
Becca is lured to Los Angeles under the premise that it's to meet up with Arie for a "couples weekend" and she's so excited and showing off her ring and it's terrible because we know what's coming.

ABC then gives us "unedited" (SURE JAN) footage of Arie breaking it off with Becca.

You probably think I purposely chose these bad shots of Arie, but um there are no good ones because he always looks like spoiled ham. He tells her that the more he "hung out" with her, the further he got from the possibility of a relationship with Lauren. First off, "hung out"? Are we at the mall in middle school? Secondly, YES DUH DUDE, THAT'S HOW ENGAGEMENT WORKS. YOU DEDICATE YOURSELF TO ONE PERSON AND THEREFORE CAN'T DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Dear God. Are we even sure that Arie knew what the word "engagement" meant? It's three syllables, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was outside of his vernacular.

Becca handles this steaming cup of shit with such elegance and calmness and just wants Arie to leave, which seems to be a simple enough task. Yet, like the dingus he is, he can't do it. The producers then record Becca from outside of the bathroom she's crying in and at this point it's downright cruel. To make matters worse, Arie knocks on the door and asks "Hey, are you okay?" as if she's just had some bad fish and is vomiting:
Like a reoccurring cold sore, he just will not go away. It's like he needs for Becca to say she's okay with it and forgives him, but we need to note here that: 1) He never offers a true apology for misleading her by, oh I don't know, FUCKING PROPOSING and 2) I have nothing to put here except FUCK THIS DUDE.

Finally after staring at Becca for 15 hours and trying to hug her (idiot), he leaves and the angels rejoiced.

Next we get Arie going to win Lauren back, except, he's already spoken on the phone to her and clearly knows that she wants to get back together. And yet, we're still forced to hear him tell her he made a mistake by proposing to Becca and has only been thinking of Lauren and wants a second chance and all of America screamed "DON'T FALL FOR IT LAUREN" but anyway she fell for it.

The worst part of all of this wasn't that Arie proposed then broke up with Becca on TV, but rather that THEY MADE HER SIT IN A MIDDLE SEAT AFTER BEING DUMPED:

There's no way Arie can hurt Becca more, right? Oh wait.
We'll get to this moment, but first, during the live "After the Final Rose" BS, Becca is forced to talk with Arie because rehashing one of the most embarrassing moments of your life sounds spectacular. He babbles and continues to not know what an apology is and finally Becca spills all the tea and lets us know:

1. Arie let her know he had feelings for Lauren, but he reassured her that he was confident in his relationship with Becca and loved her and was happy.
2. Becca wanted him to call Lauren for closure, but did not know that he had called her until AFTER the fact and didn't know he used the call to basically win her back.
3. The entire breakup was a complete surprise because up until that weekend in LA, they had been looking at houses and talking about a future.

In case you didn't get the full douchebag effect from all of that, Arie still had feelings for Lauren but wanted to make sure she would take him back before dumping Becca. I assume had Lauren been smart and denied him, he would've stayed with Becca. And had both Lauren and Becca denied him, he probably would've proposed to that slice of Hawaiian pizza he had in Italy.

Okay so then Arie and Lauren have their moment and we all wavered between hating them and also hating them. He proposes and she says yes and the only good thing to come out of this is that Arie is out of our lives.

Welcome to the era of Becca
By now you've probably heard that Becca was announced as the next Bachelorette. Homegirl deserves it after the shit storm she just trudged through. I was staunchly Team Tia until we witnessed Becca being dragged through a garbage pit by a garbage dude. Here's how her girl gang (Seinne, Baby Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall, Tia and Caroline) reacted to her being announced as the next person who gets to date 50 people at once:

All of them spoke so highly of Becca and how she's a generous, caring person and there's nothing like women holding up other women. Related to this, I hear that they all caught Arie outside in the parking lot later and whooped his ass, which didn't take much since he's built like a marshmallow.

Expanding upon the point that everyone loves Becca, after Monday night's breakup, hundreds of people sent Becca money via Venmo to buy herself a glass or bottle or several bottles of wine. She's donating the $6,000 that folks sent her to Stand Up 2 Cancer and ABC agreed to match her donation. Can you believe this lovely lady almost wasted her life with a human zit?

Also, 17 billboards have popped up in LA, Minneapolis and New York in support of Becca. The one in New York appeared today and and is savage and says "Strong, beautiful woman seeking man with backbone #TeamBecca" and I love it:
Alright, so now that Becca has seen how not to do this show, she's ready to take a stab at it. And she got to meet a few of the dudes, who I think are a positive sign of things to come:
Guy on the far left is British and guy on the far right came out singing like a little Mumford & Son(s)! The last guy of the evening brought a horse, which why the hell does ABC keep trying to bring horses indoors on this show. Remember how they did that during Rachel's season? The only thing worse than horse poop outside is HORSE POOP INSIDE. WTF. But I guess it was memorable and the show ended with Becca awkwardly sitting on it while trying not to show her entire Oops I Did It Again:
We'll see how well any of these guys pan out when Becca's season premieres May 28. Of the five we met, British guy Lincoln was my fav if not just for saying this:
AND THAT'S IT! I want to congratulate each and every one of you for enduring this season and for surviving "I love that" and Arie's garbage bin mouth and trash looking face and lava lamp body and chicken broth personality. WE DID IT! I'm proud of us and believe that our reward is getting to see Becca find love. And if not love, we'll at least get to see a good person make out with some hot dudes (it's perfectly fine when you're a good person). 

See you all soon! Til then, you can always find me creeping on Twitter here and Instagram here.

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