Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's post is brought to you by this creepy doll that made its presence known during Lauren and Becca's last dates with Arie in Peru:

Sweet baby Jesus, it was all I could think about for most of the episode because nothing scares the shit out of me more than creepy dolls (and also child ghosts and clowns and creepy child clown dolls).

"When I PITCHER Peru, this is what I PITCHER"

I shouldn't be shocked that Arie pronounces "picture" like "pitcher," but his ignorance never ceases to amaze. He is 100% one of those guys who cannot differentiate between there/they're/their. 

So we're still in Peru and the two final victims, er ladies, get to meet Arie's family because honestly we're all curious about how Arie came to be. To summarize both of their meetings: Lauren smizes and says about 12 words and all of Arie's family agrees that Becca seems better suited for him.

For their final date, Arie takes Lauren to Macchu Picchu, which is pretty fracking cool. It is obviously raining and Arie being the kind gentleman he is, uses the umbrella to protect the thing most precious to him:

Himself, duh. They look out over Macchu Picchu as they didn't do any hiking because we've already seen how "athletic" Arie is. They walk around and compete with one another to see who can repeatedly say the most mundane words until Arie decides this date has been far too academic and corners Lauren for some of this:

This gives you a really good shot of Arie's light-washed dad jeans. We also get Arie basing his strong feelings for Lauren on the fact that he knows she has "a little speckle in her eye and that matters." In that case, can someone let Michael B. Jordan know that I noticed he has two eyes and a nose and a mouth and that matters and we should be together.

After Macchu Picchu, they move to whatever random Airbnb ABC has rented for the hour and at this point, Lauren decides it's time to booze up because Arie's about to "talk"

She says that they have a strong foundation because they've "gone through hard stuff." GIRL, WHAT HARD STUFF. DID I MISS THE EPISODE WHERE Y'ALL RAN THROUGH FRESH CEMENT OR SOMETHING? And in continuing their competition to be most eloquent, Arie says "When I look at you, I feel so much and I love that." Can we all agree to never say "and I love that" as a sentence ender after this?

Moving on. Becca is next for her "date." I don't have many notes for their outing because all they did was go to a market and try on llama sweaters and this hat while Arie aimed his deflated looking balloon lips at Becca:

I don't know what would be more frightening, seeing a shark swimming toward you or Arie's mouth coming in at full speed. They talk and he tells her that he's still feeling conflicted and doesn't know why and that he's "in his head" all the time, which is actually quite physically possible since there is plenty of room in there without a pesky brain taking up space. Becca ends the date by giving him this super cute scrapbook of their memories and the key item we learn here is that Becca has Asian handwriting. OH DON'T COME AT ME. Literally 98% of my Asian friends have this handwriting and it's what I, an Asian, tried to have for all of high school.

As a note, at the end of Arie's date with Lauren, he told her he was in love with her. Then at the the end of his date with Becca, he also told her he was in love with her. I'm 110% positive that had he gone on a date with Ursula next, he would've told her he was in love with her.

This week on "Laguna Beach," will Lauren be the one?

Do we even know if that curling iron is plugged in? Lauren B. is first in this carnival game to see if she picks the cup with the ring underneath and after spilling her heart, Arie lets her down like a mama bird throwing a baby bird out of the nest. He says that he gave it everything he had but there's still something holding him back. So he walks her to her car to leave and she cries and wishes him the best.

Becca is next and let's cut to the chase, he proposes:

I was pretty shocked to see that his fingers weren't covered in Cheetos dust. Becca says yes and after the obligatory hug-and-spin, he offers her the final rose and they drink champagne and it seems lovely:

Don't know if you noticed, but that's me in the background grazing on some grass. I was whisper screaming "BECCA DON'T DON'T DO IT GIRL YOU IN DANGER." I guess she couldn't hear me because following a montage of Arie and Becca doing "coupley" things in Peru, we get a shot of him walking in the rain being "pensive" while carrying the world's most obnoxiously large umbrella:

He sits down with Chris Harrison and says that he's been thinking of Lauren nonstop and needs to "follow his heart" and therefore wants to call off the engagement to Becca. And yes, that is of course what you do when you want to breakup with your fiancee, you go to a TV show host instead of, OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOUR FIANCEE?

In which we learn the producers/Arie are actually Satan
Becca is lured to Los Angeles under the premise that it's to meet up with Arie for a "couples weekend" and she's so excited and showing off her ring and it's terrible because we know what's coming.

ABC then gives us "unedited" (SURE JAN) footage of Arie breaking it off with Becca.

You probably think I purposely chose these bad shots of Arie, but um there are no good ones because he always looks like spoiled ham. He tells her that the more he "hung out" with her, the further he got from the possibility of a relationship with Lauren. First off, "hung out"? Are we at the mall in middle school? Secondly, YES DUH DUDE, THAT'S HOW ENGAGEMENT WORKS. YOU DEDICATE YOURSELF TO ONE PERSON AND THEREFORE CAN'T DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Dear God. Are we even sure that Arie knew what the word "engagement" meant? It's three syllables, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was outside of his vernacular.

Becca handles this steaming cup of shit with such elegance and calmness and just wants Arie to leave, which seems to be a simple enough task. Yet, like the dingus he is, he can't do it. The producers then record Becca from outside of the bathroom she's crying in and at this point it's downright cruel. To make matters worse, Arie knocks on the door and asks "Hey, are you okay?" as if she's just had some bad fish and is vomiting:

Like a reoccurring cold sore, he just will not go away. It's like he needs for Becca to say she's okay with it and forgives him, but we need to note here that: 1) He never offers a true apology for misleading her by, oh I don't know, FUCKING PROPOSING and 2) I have nothing to put here except FUCK THIS DUDE.

Finally after staring at Becca for 15 hours and trying to hug her (idiot), he leaves and the angels rejoiced.

Next we get Arie going to win Lauren back, except, he's already spoken on the phone to her and clearly knows that she wants to get back together. And yet, we're still forced to hear him tell her he made a mistake by proposing to Becca and has only been thinking of Lauren and wants a second chance and all of America screamed "DON'T FALL FOR IT LAUREN" but anyway she fell for it.

The worst part of all of this wasn't that Arie proposed then broke up with Becca on TV, but rather that THEY MADE HER SIT IN A MIDDLE SEAT AFTER BEING DUMPED:

There's no way Arie can hurt Becca more, right? Oh wait.

We'll get to this moment, but first, during the live "After the Final Rose" BS, Becca is forced to talk with Arie because rehashing one of the most embarrassing moments of your life sounds spectacular. He babbles and continues to not know what an apology is and finally Becca spills all the tea and lets us know:

1. Arie let her know he had feelings for Lauren, but he reassured her that he was confident in his relationship with Becca and loved her and was happy.
2. Becca wanted him to call Lauren for closure, but did not know that he had called her until AFTER the fact and didn't know he used the call to basically win her back.
3. The entire breakup was a complete surprise because up until that weekend in LA, they had been looking at houses and talking about a future.

In case you didn't get the full douchebag effect from all of that, Arie still had feelings for Lauren but wanted to make sure she would take him back before dumping Becca. I assume had Lauren been smart and denied him, he would've stayed with Becca. And had both Lauren and Becca denied him, he probably would've proposed to that slice of Hawaiian pizza he had in Italy.

Okay so then Arie and Lauren have their moment and we all wavered between hating them and also hating them. He proposes and she says yes and the only good thing to come out of this is that Arie is out of our lives.

Welcome to the era of Becca

By now you've probably heard that Becca was announced as the next Bachelorette. Homegirl deserves it after the shit storm she just trudged through. I was staunchly Team Tia until we witnessed Becca being dragged through a garbage pit by a garbage dude. Here's how her girl gang (Seinne, Baby Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall, Tia and Caroline) reacted to her being announced as the next person who gets to date 50 people at once:

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All of them spoke so highly of Becca and how she's a generous, caring person and there's nothing like women holding up other women. Related to this, I hear that they all caught Arie outside in the parking lot later and whooped his ass, which didn't take much since he's built like a marshmallow.

Expanding upon the point that everyone loves Becca, after Monday night's breakup, hundreds of people sent Becca money via Venmo to buy herself a glass or bottle or several bottles of wine. She's donating the $6,000 that folks sent her to Stand Up 2 Cancer and ABC agreed to match her donation. Can you believe this lovely lady almost wasted her life with a human zit?

Also, 17 billboards have popped up in LA, Minneapolis and New York in support of Becca. The one in New York appeared today and and is savage and says "Strong, beautiful woman seeking man with backbone #TeamBecca" and I love it:

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Alright, so now that Becca has seen how not to do this show, she's ready to take a stab at it. And she got to meet a few of the dudes, who I think are a positive sign of things to come:

Guy on the far left is British and guy on the far right came out singing like a little Mumford & Son(s)! The last guy of the evening brought a horse, which why the hell does ABC keep trying to bring horses indoors on this show. Remember how they did that during Rachel's season? The only thing worse than horse poop outside is HORSE POOP INSIDE. WTF. But I guess it was memorable and the show ended with Becca awkwardly sitting on it while trying not to show her entire Oops I Did It Again:

We'll see how well any of these guys pan out when Becca's season premieres May 28. Of the five we met, British guy Lincoln was my fav if not just for saying this:

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AND THAT'S IT! I want to congratulate each and every one of you for enduring this season and for surviving "I love that" and Arie's garbage bin mouth and trash looking face and lava lamp body and chicken broth personality. WE DID IT! I'm proud of us and believe that our reward is getting to see Becca find love. And if not love, we'll at least get to see a good person make out with some hot dudes (it's perfectly fine when you're a good person). 

See you all soon! Til then, you can always find me creeping on Twitter here and Instagram here.

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance during Arie and Lauren's date. Don't judge me, I was tanning and also I haven't shaved in a while.

Okay Zooey Deschanel, we get it, you're quirky
First up for dates in Peru is Taxidermall. She really feels like Arie is her best friend but she's still unsure about getting engaged. And she wants him to look past her "quirkiness" and that she is into taxidermy and plays the ukulele and essentially everything about her to see the "real" her. Which, when you take all that weird shit away, I'm pretty sure she's just an extra from The O.C.

She and Arie go dune buggying, which is pretty cool if not just for the goggles. And while you're thinking, wow, being in an open vehicle with sand and shit flying at your face, there's no way Arie can do his mouth eating, right? Wrong.

Shoutout to ABC for this really weird shot of Arie's hand trying to dislocate Kendall's shoulder. They then tried out sand surfing, which is also pretty cool, but apparently when Arie says "sand surfing" this is what he means:

Because there's nothing a girl wants more than to have sand all in her hair and clothes and down her asscrack. So after this "sporty" part of the date that must've left Kendall with some sandburn, they get changed for the more serious part of the evening as deemed so by the dark mood lighting.

As is tradition, they ignore some scrumptious looking food, WHICH THIS TIME IS PAN FRIED DUMPLINGS:

OR MAYBE CRAB RANGOON? Anyway, Kendall wears this super cute jumper, which, wearing a jumper is a feat in itself. I went through a phase where I thought I wanted a jumper, but then I finally tried one on to find that it aims to create a camel toe, wedgie and boob wedgie at the same time. Essentially your entire body wants to eat it. So bravo, Kendall.

As it turns out, she came prepared by wearing this, as she knew Arie would sit with his hand like this:

Um, that's not where the dumplings are, if that's what you're searching for Arie. So they talk and Kendall brings up wanting Arie to know more about her than her quirks and he puts on his broken record of "I love that about you." This time, he also adds in "I want to know you on every level," which I think means he wants her to come to his basement to play every level of Super Mario Bros with him. They both admit they're falling in love and then there's lot of MMM'ing and right on cue, this begins:

Arie looks like his breath always smells like Fritos. Or Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles. Anyway, Taxidermall accepts his offer to spend the night together and they stay up all night "talking" and before she leaves in the morning they compare hand sizes. I wonder how hard it was for Arie not to say "MMMM, you have hands. I love that about you."

This week, on Laguna Beach

There is no way these women do their own makeup, right? They always have PERFECTLY painted faces and not to discount anyone's Kylie Jenner abilities, but there's no way they're all just master contour specialists. But I liked this montage of Lauren applying her own lip gloss. Lean in!

Lauren says she "feels like" she loves Arie, which is something you say while trying a new item at Taco Bell that has potatoes in it or something. Also, it's been a "long time" since she's seen Arie, so she's excited and they have a lot to talk about. So here they are catching up and just gabbing each other's ears off:

Arie looks like he's trying to use Lauren as a body pillow, which is every girl's dream. While he's doing this, he feels like she's too much in her head, when in reality I think she's trying to focus on breathing. She later tells him that she sees a future with him, but that the stronger her feelings grow, the stronger her fears do that she'll have her heart broken. Arie tries to reassure her by offering a Shakespearean-like quote of "It scares the shit out of me to think of you leaving me."

So after pillowing Lauren, they go to to dinner and she has a bigass glass of what I assume is just tequila and lime:

Lauren reveals that she could not have done this without Arie, which um yes, that is correct since this show is called "The Bachelor" and Arie is "The Bachelor." Arie tells her that he was surprised at how fast and hard he fell for her and blah blah he tells her he loves her. She lets this marinate for a bit, much like the chicken they're ignoring, before telling him she loves him too and obviously accepts his offer to spend the night together. They then move to a couch where she proceeds to makeout with him while keeping her legs crossed which I think is akin to riding a horse side saddle. Ladylike!

They later move to the bed and BOTH OF THEM KEEP THEIR SHOES ON. SHOES. ON THE BED. WTF. The next morning, Lauren says she's happy they got to "talk" and that she got a lot of things off her chest. And if you think I'm going to make some dirty joke that the thing she got off her chest was her bra, then yes that's what I'm doing. DO YOU, GIRL.

As it turns out, Becca is really popular
So Becca is the relationship that Arie is the most sure about and feels is the safest. I'm only going to recap a few items here so we can cut to the juicy juice. They go on a boat and he pulls the ol' Titanic trick which is forever cheesy and never romantic unless you are literally Leonardo DiCaprio. Proof:

They tell each other they have no doubts in their relationship and eventually exchange I love you's before she accepts his offer of spending the night together. After dinner in one fancy ass tent, they retire to another fancy ass tent to ignore a plate of strawberries. ABC then offers us what may be the worst camera angle in the history of camera angles, giving us a close-up of both their feet as if we're watching some weird porno about people with huge legs.

Okay let's get to the good stuff. After they return from their date, this dude, who looks like he could crack walnuts with his neck, pays Arie a visit:

It's Ross and he's Becca's ex who has come to sweep her off her feet after failing to do so during their 7-year relationship. He just hasn't stopped thinking about her for the year they've been apart and has come to win her back and propose and I'm sure he did this of his own volition and ABC had nothing to do with stirring the pot. Haha jk, those producers are literally just spoons, not even humans.

So obviously Arie, who looks like he could fracture his arm by pushing on a door too hard, tells Ross to speak his piece to Becca but if she rejects him, he should respect her wishes and let her and Arie be. Ross then leaves to surprise Becca and anyway here is her reaction:

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Things are really awkward for a few minutes aside from Becca saying "WTF" and also "I knew you would do this" as if she has been on another dating show where he showed up before she got engaged. HOW CAN YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO FIND YOU IN PERU? Here's a summary of their conversation, which ABC filmed all shakily as if it was some intense war documentary:

Ross: I love you and I haven't stopped thinking about you and I want to marry you
Becca: Bruh, this is not The Notebook
Ross: But I can be Ryan Gosling
Becca: Bruhhhhh, nah, I don't know you, please leave so I can win, I mean fall in love

Meanwhile, Arie is "mad." For real. He is so "incredibly pissed and so angry." Because you're wondering what the scene looks like when Arie is Hulk'ing out, here he is:

Terrifying. It's not often that you meet someone who has less emotional range than Kourtney Kardashian, but alas, here he is. Luckily, Becca comes to calm Arie's rage and lets him know that she is over Ross and only wants to move forward with him. While she's saying all of this, he's making this face, I think contemplating if he should've tried to makeout with Ross to alleviate the situation. Maybe next time.

Wait, we have to talk more about Ross
Now that we've established that Becca chose Arie over Ross, I thought it would be academic of us to study her decision and pass judgment on if it was correct. We already know Arie, so let's dive into some background on Ross.

He is a strength coach for the Stanford football program (this explains dat nice booty doe) and played college football for Minnesota State University (where I assume he met Becca). And that's about all you need to know words-wise. Here are some photos (from his Instagram, where I creeped for far too long) to facilitate our academic exercise:

I provided both a shirt-on and shirt-off photo to be well-rounded in our research. GOOD LORD. Go on, Becca. Based on my research I can confirm that Ross is hot AF. I am completely baffled over Becca choosing boiled chicken Arie over this beef tenderloin. 

"Kendall, can I talk to you"
After all of this drama, we finally make it to the Rose Ceremony. Standing ovation for all of these dresses. Taxidermall, Lauren Boring and Popular Becca did not come to play with you hoes.

Arie is nothing if not repetitive, so he asks to speak to Kendall again, which prompts this reaction from Becca and Lauren that honestly made me love Lauren more. I am 94% positive she feels the need to vomit because her brain just reminded her what Arie looks/sounds like when he's eating.

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So this time, Arie breaks it to Kendall that he thinks they aren't there in terms of getting engaged. And Kenny essentially agrees and says she's glad Arie was in her life even though they're not at the same place. Y'all, she did not look sad at all, which I'm not faulting her for. If anything, she looked relieved as hell because she can finally get back to LA to her ukulele and dead animals and those big ass grapes her parents serve.

We then have to witness the most pointless Rose Ceremony and the show leaves us with a shot that looks like a photo for a pamphlet promoting a polygamous sister wives cult.

I want to point out that this episode wasn't nearly as dramatic as I would've hoped and no one named Arie got punched in the face. I have a feeling we're all going to want to do that next week per Caroline's admission that she "knows what he did." See you all then!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by this random screenshot of Caroline I got when my computer froze:

It surprises no one that I loved her outfit because it was essentially a white tailored suit with a black sports bra underneath. What I like to call "business casual," but what my boss continually says is not.

While this season has been a flaming pile of Fritos, I knew the Women Tell All episode would deliver.

Best friends alert
The beginning of the episode was essentially just a Jerry Springer roundtable where all of the women talked shit about each other all at once. This helped me realize that I do not remember 33% of the women. I also immediately noticed that ABC sat Tia and Seinne next to each other. This made for great moments like this when Baby Bekah was spouting some BS about being misunderstood or misrepresented or not having big enough earrings:

Seinne's facial expressions are only bested by her actual face, which is flawless. It's like we can hear her saying "What is this baby crying about?" Also her dress gave me major Aaliyah vibes, which are vibes I am always seeking to surround myself with.

Here is some more of SeiTia later. While I don't remember exactly what Seinne was saying, I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "I did not go to Yale for this and y'all are wack as hell. Tia and I have decided to start a band."

Also, Tia confirmed her adoration of Seinne via E!'s Instagram story (where she kind of live IG storied the night) by saying that Seinne is just as perfect in person as she seems on TV:

Reminder that Jenna is a North Carolina treasure

As deemed by me. Jenna only got to speak once when Chris Harrison asked her what she thought when she found out that Arie was the Bachelor. To which she had the above reaction and said "I mean, I was doing the thing of liking older guys so, I was like okay."

Also later captured this moment of her sleeping because my girl Jenna multitasks:

I'd like to think that in this moment she was dreaming about whether or not to get a corn dog or a hamburger as the side for her Cook Out tray (If you've never been to Cook Out, please Google Map the closest one to you and go immediately). I believe she was also taking this moment to ask God why she wasted so much of her Carolina goodness on this garbage dude.

Also, Marikh is gorgeous and if there was a way that I could shave my head, become a Chia Pet and grow hair like hers, I would do it.

Can't wait to see Krystal on Bachelor in Paradise

And I don't even watch that show, but I plan to start because I am 145% sure that Krystal will be on it. I'm dying at this shot because of the tiny Arie, which actually plays well into Krystal's conversation with Chris Harrison. We got to see unaired footage of her post-bowling date meltdown wherein we learn that Krystal called Arie a "needle dick." And look you guys, 1) That is rude and hurtful and 2) HAHAHAH PROBABLY TRUE, AM I RIGHT? I bet Jenna would high-five me for saying that.

Worse though was that in that same clip she called the other women a word that rhymes with "punts." Several women had things to say to Krystal during her time on the couch, including Seinne who said she didn't have to call them desperate.

Also at one point, one of the women (who went home on the first episode and therefore I cannot remember her name, vv sorry), brought up Krystal's voice and how it sounds completely different now as compared to her time on the show. WHICH WAS SO TRUE. YOU GUYS. Krystal's voice on the show was like if Emma Stone sucked helium out of a balloon then tried to impersonate Betty Boop. But strangely enough, her voice now sounds pretty normal. In response to this, Krystal said she "lost her voice" right before the show and that's why she sounded like that. Chris Harrison was kind enough to point out "But uh, you sounded like that for...a month and a half?"

We got another dose of her later when we were forced to see Arie for more than our usual allotted two hours every week. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WOMEN TELL ALL, NOT HERE'S MORE OF ARIE THAT YOU DID NOT ASK FOR.

Krystal said their goodbye felt cold, which if we all remember correctly, it kind of was. Arie, being continually void of real human emotions, said it felt appropriate especially considering how different she was with him as compared to how he actually is. We then got back on this same, never ending hamster wheel of Krystal saying she was hurt by his actions post-bowling date and that she didn't like having to fight for his attention against the other women.

And now, while I'd rather trudge in dog poop all the way to work every day than have one conversation with Arie, I died laughing at him telling Krystal "This is the Bachelor" in response.

Reminder: Seinne was the one most out of Arie's league

Of all the random times I've taken screenshots of Seinne, I don't think I've ever taken a bad one. I can't even imagine what it would be like to see her in real life except to say I'm positive I would cry.

During Seinne's couch time, she said she was confident that her and Arie were not meant to be together to which everyone on the planet and Jesus affirmed "Yes, correct." She said she was "at peace" about not being with him and at this point I just wanted her to be honest and say "Look, I went home and reflected on this bogus time in my life and realized I am a 10 and Arie is a -235."

Anyway, she's single and dating and "open to love," but hasn't met the one yet, which, I mean if Seinne is single, I find it completely fine that I am too. I'll probably start bringing her photo with me to family functions so that when someone asks why I'm single I can just show her pic and be like "SEINNE IS ALSO SINGLE, SO IT'S OKAY."

Lil' Baby Bekah is here to tell you she isn't a lil' baby

If there's one way I don't want to be remembered on The Bachelor, it's as the girl who threw up a bunch of mini corn dogs during the Rose Ceremony. But also, as the missing girl! During Bekah's Dr. Phil couch time, Chris Harrison had to of course bring up her missing person situation. She explained the story again about how basically she was on a marijuana farm without reception and couldn't call her mom so her mom panicked and filed a missing persons report.

This entire incident taught me to ensure my mom knows which photo of me to use in any situation with the police. And for the record, so all of you know, this is the photo I would like used:

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I really wavered between this one and my Sports Illustrated cover, but went with this one because I'm shy and reserved.

Anyway, Bekah said she got so sick of the women and even Arie bringing up her age. She followed this up by talking nonstop about her age. If we remember correctly, she is the one who asked Arie, "Wait, do you know how old I am?" Meaning, she was like "HEY MY AGE. DID I MENTION MY AGE. MY AGE" and then everyone was like "Oh, hey, Bekah's age" and she was like "WHY ARE WE BRINGING UP MY AGE?"

In continuing to rehashbrown everything, Bekah brought out a bat to beat this dead horse about Tia telling Arie that she wasn't ready for marriage. Tia said she decided to tell Arie after Bekah asked a group of them if any of them had anyone in mind back home to date. Tia said that while she regretted telling Arie, she would've regretted it more had she not told him, aka, Tia pulled the ultimate Demi Lovato Sorry Not Sorry.

STILL CAMPAIGNING FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

Full disclosure: As you know, I love Tia and therefore this entire section is just me praising her and screaming about how she must be the next Bachelorette.

I have to first point out this bombass outfit. I think it might be a romper? Mostly based on her Instagram post:

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It's either a romper or her full ass is just on Caroline's white pants. Loved this because it reminded me of our short time with Tia'Line. Okay also, when I get leg transplants, I plan to show the doctor this pic and ask for Tia's. Not like, her actual legs because that is creepy AF and also illegal I think.

Before chatting with Tia, Chris Harrison first made her relive her journey on the show, something that actually all the women were forced to do. I always hate this part because it's like "Oh, remember that really painful time in your life? HERE IT IS ON A HUGE SCREEN IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE!"

It'd be like if I went to the movies and they decided to replay that time I tripped and fell while walking to the band room in middle school. In front of bus loads of kids. While carrying my actual flute. Actually, no, reliving a "relationship" with Arie has to be more devastatingly embarrassing.

Tia said she was in love with him and was really mad at herself after he broke with her for feeling like she wasn't good enough. It also really bothered her that he couldn't give her an explanation. I want to bring up again that Tia crying in that episode literally broke my heart (yes literally) because you could feel how much she cared for him as he looked on all dumbfounded like a baby who had just discovered his own hands.

She added that Arie was so different from anyone she has ever dated, which I mean, if Arie is high-quality to her, Arkansas must really have shitty dudes. But anyway, she now sees what she deserves and is open to falling in love again which is good because TIA FOR THE BACHELORETTE 2018. Throwing in this last shot for good measure.

Wait remember Jenny was the best

The only thing better than reliving Jenny laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience is watching Jenny crackup while reliving her laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience.

And while we didn't get to see much of Jenny this season, as it turns out, she did come to make friends. When Arie sent her home, she walked out without hugging him, which he took to mean she was upset. And when he caught up to her to do his usual pigeon coo'ing of "It's okay" she was like "NAH BITCH, I'M NOT SAD TO BE LEAVING YOU, I'M SAD TO BE LEAVING MY FRIENDS." And it was the best moment of the entire season.

Also during the unseen clips, we got a moment of her telling Arie that he has no butt and that he is essentially a 90-degree angle. JENNY FOREVER.

CAROLINE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW

After Arie came out (I'm sparing you a shot of this, but in a shocking turn of events, he wore that same blue suit he always wears), Caroline yelled "What would you do differently?" And he said that he would do a lot of things differently and did have some regrets, to which Caroline took the spotlight of the evening/season by saying: "Arie said he was looking for a wife...and...anyway, I know what you did and I don't understand and I hope you find what you're looking for."

This makes the finale sound like it's gonna be dramatic as hell and I'm here for it. My guess in regards to Caroline saying "I know what you did" is that Arie attempts to make out with Lauren's mom. Or maybe her dad. Or both. And everyone knows you can't just make out with your future wife's parents in the first year!

Ending this post by saying that per Tia's Instagram story for E!, she said by the end of the Women Tell All, she and Bekah were yelling "Needle dick!" and also "Whip it out!" and that is how I think every episode of The Bachelor should've ended this season.

See you all soon for fantasy suites! Wait no, not like I'll meet you at the fantasy suites. Unless you are Michael B. Jordan. Okay, you get it. See you all soon!

*Author's note: For everyone's sake and to maintain some level of sanity, I did not mention the montage of clips ABC tortured us with of Arie making noises while smacking food. Please do not ever bring this up again.