Monday, February 26, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by this random screenshot of Caroline I got when my computer froze:

It surprises no one that I loved her outfit because it was essentially a white tailored suit with a black sports bra underneath. What I like to call "business casual," but what my boss continually says is not.

While this season has been a flaming pile of Fritos, I knew the Women Tell All episode would deliver.

Best friends alert
The beginning of the episode was essentially just a Jerry Springer roundtable where all of the women talked shit about each other all at once. This helped me realize that I do not remember 33% of the women. I also immediately noticed that ABC sat Tia and Seinne next to each other. This made for great moments like this when Baby Bekah was spouting some BS about being misunderstood or misrepresented or not having big enough earrings:
Seinne's facial expressions are only bested by her actual face, which is flawless. It's like we can hear her saying "What is this baby crying about?" Also her dress gave me major Aaliyah vibes, which are vibes I am always seeking to surround myself with.

Here is some more of SeiTia later. While I don't remember exactly what Seinne was saying, I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "I did not go to Yale for this and y'all are wack as hell. Tia and I have decided to start a band."
Also, Tia confirmed her adoration of Seinne via E!'s Instagram story (where she kind of live IG storied the night) by saying that Seinne is just as perfect in person as she seems on TV:

Reminder that Jenna is a North Carolina treasure
As deemed by me. Jenna only got to speak once when Chris Harrison asked her what she thought when she found out that Arie was the Bachelor. To which she had the above reaction and said "I mean, I was doing the thing of liking older guys so, I was like okay."

Also later captured this moment of her sleeping because my girl Jenna multitasks:

I'd like to think that in this moment she was dreaming about whether or not to get a corn dog or a hamburger as the side for her Cook Out tray (If you've never been to Cook Out, please Google Map the closest one to you and go immediately). I believe she was also taking this moment to ask God why she wasted so much of her Carolina goodness on this garbage dude.

Also, Marikh is gorgeous and if there was a way that I could shave my head, become a Chia Pet and grow hair like hers, I would do it.

Can't wait to see Krystal on Bachelor in Paradise
And I don't even watch that show, but I plan to start because I am 145% sure that Krystal will be on it. I'm dying at this shot because of the tiny Arie, which actually plays well into Krystal's conversation with Chris Harrison. We got to see unaired footage of her post-bowling date meltdown wherein we learn that Krystal called Arie a "needle dick." And look you guys, 1) That is rude and hurtful and 2) HAHAHAH PROBABLY TRUE, AM I RIGHT? I bet Jenna would high-five me for saying that.

Worse though was that in that same clip she called the other women a word that rhymes with "punts." Several women had things to say to Krystal during her time on the couch, including Seinne who said she didn't have to call them desperate.

Also at one point, one of the women (who went home on the first episode and therefore I cannot remember her name, vv sorry), brought up Krystal's voice and how it sounds completely different now as compared to her time on the show. WHICH WAS SO TRUE. YOU GUYS. Krystal's voice on the show was like if Emma Stone sucked helium out of a balloon then tried to impersonate Betty Boop. But strangely enough, her voice now sounds pretty normal. In response to this, Krystal said she "lost her voice" right before the show and that's why she sounded like that. Chris Harrison was kind enough to point out "But uh, you sounded like that for...a month and a half?"

We got another dose of her later when we were forced to see Arie for more than our usual allotted two hours every week. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WOMEN TELL ALL, NOT HERE'S MORE OF ARIE THAT YOU DID NOT ASK FOR.
Krystal said their goodbye felt cold, which if we all remember correctly, it kind of was. Arie, being continually void of real human emotions, said it felt appropriate especially considering how different she was with him as compared to how he actually is. We then got back on this same, never ending hamster wheel of Krystal saying she was hurt by his actions post-bowling date and that she didn't like having to fight for his attention against the other women.

And now, while I'd rather trudge in dog poop all the way to work every day than have one conversation with Arie, I died laughing at him telling Krystal "This is the Bachelor" in response.

Reminder: Seinne was the one most out of Arie's league
Of all the random times I've taken screenshots of Seinne, I don't think I've ever taken a bad one. I can't even imagine what it would be like to see her in real life except to say I'm positive I would cry.

During Seinne's couch time, she said she was confident that her and Arie were not meant to be together to which everyone on the planet and Jesus affirmed "Yes, correct." She said she was "at peace" about not being with him and at this point I just wanted her to be honest and say "Look, I went home and reflected on this bogus time in my life and realized I am a 10 and Arie is a -235."

Anyway, she's single and dating and "open to love," but hasn't met the one yet, which, I mean if Seinne is single, I find it completely fine that I am too. I'll probably start bringing her photo with me to family functions so that when someone asks why I'm single I can just show her pic and be like "SEINNE IS ALSO SINGLE, SO IT'S OKAY."

Lil' Baby Bekah is here to tell you she isn't a lil' baby

If there's one way I don't want to be remembered on The Bachelor, it's as the girl who threw up a bunch of mini corn dogs during the Rose Ceremony. But also, as the missing girl! During Bekah's Dr. Phil couch time, Chris Harrison had to of course bring up her missing person situation. She explained the story again about how basically she was on a marijuana farm without reception and couldn't call her mom so her mom panicked and filed a missing persons report.

This entire incident taught me to ensure my mom knows which photo of me to use in any situation with the police. And for the record, so all of you know, this is the photo I would like used:

I really wavered between this one and my Sports Illustrated cover, but went with this one because I'm shy and reserved.

Anyway, Bekah said she got so sick of the women and even Arie bringing up her age. She followed this up by talking nonstop about her age. If we remember correctly, she is the one who asked Arie, "Wait, do you know how old I am?" Meaning, she was like "HEY MY AGE. DID I MENTION MY AGE. MY AGE" and then everyone was like "Oh, hey, Bekah's age" and she was like "WHY ARE WE BRINGING UP MY AGE?"

In continuing to rehashbrown everything, Bekah brought out a bat to beat this dead horse about Tia telling Arie that she wasn't ready for marriage. Tia said she decided to tell Arie after Bekah asked a group of them if any of them had anyone in mind back home to date. Tia said that while she regretted telling Arie, she would've regretted it more had she not told him, aka, Tia pulled the ultimate Demi Lovato Sorry Not Sorry.


Full disclosure: As you know, I love Tia and therefore this entire section is just me praising her and screaming about how she must be the next Bachelorette.

I have to first point out this bombass outfit. I think it might be a romper? Mostly based on her Instagram post:
It's either a romper or her full ass is just on Caroline's white pants. Loved this because it reminded me of our short time with Tia'Line. Okay also, when I get leg transplants, I plan to show the doctor this pic and ask for Tia's. Not like, her actual legs because that is creepy AF and also illegal I think.

Before chatting with Tia, Chris Harrison first made her relive her journey on the show, something that actually all the women were forced to do. I always hate this part because it's like "Oh, remember that really painful time in your life? HERE IT IS ON A HUGE SCREEN IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE!"
It'd be like if I went to the movies and they decided to replay that time I tripped and fell while walking to the band room in middle school. In front of bus loads of kids. While carrying my actual flute. Actually, no, reliving a "relationship" with Arie has to be more devastatingly embarrassing.

Tia said she was in love with him and was really mad at herself after he broke with her for feeling like she wasn't good enough. It also really bothered her that he couldn't give her an explanation. I want to bring up again that Tia crying in that episode literally broke my heart (yes literally) because you could feel how much she cared for him as he looked on all dumbfounded like a baby who had just discovered his own hands.

She added that Arie was so different from anyone she has ever dated, which I mean, if Arie is high-quality to her, Arkansas must really have shitty dudes. But anyway, she now sees what she deserves and is open to falling in love again which is good because TIA FOR THE BACHELORETTE 2018. Throwing in this last shot for good measure.

Wait remember Jenny was the best
The only thing better than reliving Jenny laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience is watching Jenny crackup while reliving her laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience.

And while we didn't get to see much of Jenny this season, as it turns out, she did come to make friends. When Arie sent her home, she walked out without hugging him, which he took to mean she was upset. And when he caught up to her to do his usual pigeon coo'ing of "It's okay" she was like "NAH BITCH, I'M NOT SAD TO BE LEAVING YOU, I'M SAD TO BE LEAVING MY FRIENDS." And it was the best moment of the entire season.

Also during the unseen clips, we got a moment of her telling Arie that he has no butt and that he is essentially a 90-degree angle. JENNY FOREVER.

After Arie came out (I'm sparing you a shot of this, but in a shocking turn of events, he wore that same blue suit he always wears), Caroline yelled "What would you do differently?" And he said that he would do a lot of things differently and did have some regrets, to which Caroline took the spotlight of the evening/season by saying: "Arie said he was looking for a wife...and...anyway, I know what you did and I don't understand and I hope you find what you're looking for."

This makes the finale sound like it's gonna be dramatic as hell and I'm here for it. My guess in regards to Caroline saying "I know what you did" is that Arie attempts to make out with Lauren's mom. Or maybe her dad. Or both. And everyone knows you can't just make out with your future wife's parents in the first year!

Ending this post by saying that per Tia's Instagram story for E!, she said by the end of the Women Tell All, she and Bekah were yelling "Needle dick!" and also "Whip it out!" and that is how I think every episode of The Bachelor should've ended this season.

See you all soon for fantasy suites! Wait no, not like I'll meet you at the fantasy suites. Unless you are Michael B. Jordan. Okay, you get it. See you all soon!

*Author's note: For everyone's sake and to maintain some level of sanity, I did not mention the montage of clips ABC tortured us with of Arie making noises while smacking food. Please do not ever bring this up again.

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