Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance during Arie and Lauren's date. Don't judge me, I was tanning and also I haven't shaved in a while.

Okay Zooey Deschanel, we get it, you're quirky
First up for dates in Peru is Taxidermall. She really feels like Arie is her best friend but she's still unsure about getting engaged. And she wants him to look past her "quirkiness" and that she is into taxidermy and plays the ukulele and essentially everything about her to see the "real" her. Which, when you take all that weird shit away, I'm pretty sure she's just an extra from The O.C.

She and Arie go dune buggying, which is pretty cool if not just for the goggles. And while you're thinking, wow, being in an open vehicle with sand and shit flying at your face, there's no way Arie can do his mouth eating, right? Wrong.

Shoutout to ABC for this really weird shot of Arie's hand trying to dislocate Kendall's shoulder. They then tried out sand surfing, which is also pretty cool, but apparently when Arie says "sand surfing" this is what he means:

Because there's nothing a girl wants more than to have sand all in her hair and clothes and down her asscrack. So after this "sporty" part of the date that must've left Kendall with some sandburn, they get changed for the more serious part of the evening as deemed so by the dark mood lighting.

As is tradition, they ignore some scrumptious looking food, WHICH THIS TIME IS PAN FRIED DUMPLINGS:

OR MAYBE CRAB RANGOON? Anyway, Kendall wears this super cute jumper, which, wearing a jumper is a feat in itself. I went through a phase where I thought I wanted a jumper, but then I finally tried one on to find that it aims to create a camel toe, wedgie and boob wedgie at the same time. Essentially your entire body wants to eat it. So bravo, Kendall.

As it turns out, she came prepared by wearing this, as she knew Arie would sit with his hand like this:

Um, that's not where the dumplings are, if that's what you're searching for Arie. So they talk and Kendall brings up wanting Arie to know more about her than her quirks and he puts on his broken record of "I love that about you." This time, he also adds in "I want to know you on every level," which I think means he wants her to come to his basement to play every level of Super Mario Bros with him. They both admit they're falling in love and then there's lot of MMM'ing and right on cue, this begins:

Arie looks like his breath always smells like Fritos. Or Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles. Anyway, Taxidermall accepts his offer to spend the night together and they stay up all night "talking" and before she leaves in the morning they compare hand sizes. I wonder how hard it was for Arie not to say "MMMM, you have hands. I love that about you."

This week, on Laguna Beach

There is no way these women do their own makeup, right? They always have PERFECTLY painted faces and not to discount anyone's Kylie Jenner abilities, but there's no way they're all just master contour specialists. But I liked this montage of Lauren applying her own lip gloss. Lean in!

Lauren says she "feels like" she loves Arie, which is something you say while trying a new item at Taco Bell that has potatoes in it or something. Also, it's been a "long time" since she's seen Arie, so she's excited and they have a lot to talk about. So here they are catching up and just gabbing each other's ears off:

Arie looks like he's trying to use Lauren as a body pillow, which is every girl's dream. While he's doing this, he feels like she's too much in her head, when in reality I think she's trying to focus on breathing. She later tells him that she sees a future with him, but that the stronger her feelings grow, the stronger her fears do that she'll have her heart broken. Arie tries to reassure her by offering a Shakespearean-like quote of "It scares the shit out of me to think of you leaving me."

So after pillowing Lauren, they go to to dinner and she has a bigass glass of what I assume is just tequila and lime:

Lauren reveals that she could not have done this without Arie, which um yes, that is correct since this show is called "The Bachelor" and Arie is "The Bachelor." Arie tells her that he was surprised at how fast and hard he fell for her and blah blah he tells her he loves her. She lets this marinate for a bit, much like the chicken they're ignoring, before telling him she loves him too and obviously accepts his offer to spend the night together. They then move to a couch where she proceeds to makeout with him while keeping her legs crossed which I think is akin to riding a horse side saddle. Ladylike!

They later move to the bed and BOTH OF THEM KEEP THEIR SHOES ON. SHOES. ON THE BED. WTF. The next morning, Lauren says she's happy they got to "talk" and that she got a lot of things off her chest. And if you think I'm going to make some dirty joke that the thing she got off her chest was her bra, then yes that's what I'm doing. DO YOU, GIRL.

As it turns out, Becca is really popular
So Becca is the relationship that Arie is the most sure about and feels is the safest. I'm only going to recap a few items here so we can cut to the juicy juice. They go on a boat and he pulls the ol' Titanic trick which is forever cheesy and never romantic unless you are literally Leonardo DiCaprio. Proof:

They tell each other they have no doubts in their relationship and eventually exchange I love you's before she accepts his offer of spending the night together. After dinner in one fancy ass tent, they retire to another fancy ass tent to ignore a plate of strawberries. ABC then offers us what may be the worst camera angle in the history of camera angles, giving us a close-up of both their feet as if we're watching some weird porno about people with huge legs.

Okay let's get to the good stuff. After they return from their date, this dude, who looks like he could crack walnuts with his neck, pays Arie a visit:

It's Ross and he's Becca's ex who has come to sweep her off her feet after failing to do so during their 7-year relationship. He just hasn't stopped thinking about her for the year they've been apart and has come to win her back and propose and I'm sure he did this of his own volition and ABC had nothing to do with stirring the pot. Haha jk, those producers are literally just spoons, not even humans.

So obviously Arie, who looks like he could fracture his arm by pushing on a door too hard, tells Ross to speak his piece to Becca but if she rejects him, he should respect her wishes and let her and Arie be. Ross then leaves to surprise Becca and anyway here is her reaction:

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Things are really awkward for a few minutes aside from Becca saying "WTF" and also "I knew you would do this" as if she has been on another dating show where he showed up before she got engaged. HOW CAN YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO FIND YOU IN PERU? Here's a summary of their conversation, which ABC filmed all shakily as if it was some intense war documentary:

Ross: I love you and I haven't stopped thinking about you and I want to marry you
Becca: Bruh, this is not The Notebook
Ross: But I can be Ryan Gosling
Becca: Bruhhhhh, nah, I don't know you, please leave so I can win, I mean fall in love

Meanwhile, Arie is "mad." For real. He is so "incredibly pissed and so angry." Because you're wondering what the scene looks like when Arie is Hulk'ing out, here he is:

Terrifying. It's not often that you meet someone who has less emotional range than Kourtney Kardashian, but alas, here he is. Luckily, Becca comes to calm Arie's rage and lets him know that she is over Ross and only wants to move forward with him. While she's saying all of this, he's making this face, I think contemplating if he should've tried to makeout with Ross to alleviate the situation. Maybe next time.

Wait, we have to talk more about Ross
Now that we've established that Becca chose Arie over Ross, I thought it would be academic of us to study her decision and pass judgment on if it was correct. We already know Arie, so let's dive into some background on Ross.

He is a strength coach for the Stanford football program (this explains dat nice booty doe) and played college football for Minnesota State University (where I assume he met Becca). And that's about all you need to know words-wise. Here are some photos (from his Instagram, where I creeped for far too long) to facilitate our academic exercise:

I provided both a shirt-on and shirt-off photo to be well-rounded in our research. GOOD LORD. Go on, Becca. Based on my research I can confirm that Ross is hot AF. I am completely baffled over Becca choosing boiled chicken Arie over this beef tenderloin. 

"Kendall, can I talk to you"
After all of this drama, we finally make it to the Rose Ceremony. Standing ovation for all of these dresses. Taxidermall, Lauren Boring and Popular Becca did not come to play with you hoes.

Arie is nothing if not repetitive, so he asks to speak to Kendall again, which prompts this reaction from Becca and Lauren that honestly made me love Lauren more. I am 94% positive she feels the need to vomit because her brain just reminded her what Arie looks/sounds like when he's eating.

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So this time, Arie breaks it to Kendall that he thinks they aren't there in terms of getting engaged. And Kenny essentially agrees and says she's glad Arie was in her life even though they're not at the same place. Y'all, she did not look sad at all, which I'm not faulting her for. If anything, she looked relieved as hell because she can finally get back to LA to her ukulele and dead animals and those big ass grapes her parents serve.

We then have to witness the most pointless Rose Ceremony and the show leaves us with a shot that looks like a photo for a pamphlet promoting a polygamous sister wives cult.

I want to point out that this episode wasn't nearly as dramatic as I would've hoped and no one named Arie got punched in the face. I have a feeling we're all going to want to do that next week per Caroline's admission that she "knows what he did." See you all then!