Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's episode is brought to you by my girl Tia, who endured 8 weeks of Arie's bullshit only to be broken up with for a girl who literally told him she wasn't ready to get married:
Arie learns what the word "taxidermy" means in Los Angeles
We kick off hometown dates with Taxidermy Kendall who welcomes Arie to Los Angeles by bringing him to her dead animals studio. She shows him a bunch of taxidermied animals and our beloved Arie responds like this:
I am positive he is reacting like this because he doesn't know what "taxidermy" means and assumes it is creatures who have recently died from doing their taxes. But Kendall eventually dumbs it down enough that Arie gets it and of course they sit down to taxidermy some rats, creating what appears to be an ad for a new dating site that I do not want to be a part of:
Kendall literally says "Here we have some rat skins." WTF. WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAS SOMEONE SAID THAT AND YOU HAVEN'T FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE? Anyway, after this weird ass portion of the date that I think was included to prove to us that hey, taxidermists can be hot too, they go to Kendall's parents house for dinner.

They first engage in small talk which I didn't care about because the coot was once again ignored. And look at those big ass grapes! Also really liked the positioning of that porcelain buddha to face the camera:
We discover that Kendall's parents are apparently huge "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" fans because Kendall's twin sister's name is Kylie. This girl is actually my favorite because she's wearing some silky pajama top and thick ass gold hoops:
And the bold red lip color! So typical of a Kylie. She is skeptical as hell of Arie and tells Kendall that she doesn't think Arie is her "undeniable love." Um yes that is fact because this show is just a glorified version of that TLC show 90-Day Fiancee. Essentially all of Kendall's family shares the same doubts, but they say they "trust Kendall's judgement." I'm not sure what track record they're going off of, but based on the fact that she let a show record her playing an ukulele to a dead animal, I'm going to say her judgement isn't the best.

At this point we also learn that Kendall is not ready to be engaged yet because YES THAT IS NORMAL SHE HAS ONLY KNOWN THIS GROSS ASS MAN FOR 8 WEEKS. She tells Arie that she's on her way to getting there and also admits that she has trouble talking about her feelings, all of which is lost on our broken lightbulb Arie who replies with "I love that you're talking to me" and also "MMMMMM" like she's a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Tia brings a little wiener to Weiner, Arkansas
Tia welcomes Arie to her hometown by jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around him because I think all of the women are contractually obligated to do so:
And Arie reiterates where he is because even he is in disbelief that this is real life and he's dating all of these women at once and this isn't just an intense session of playing The Sims. Tia takes him to a dirt track where they race cars, which is pretty cool to be honest and anyway this is what she looks like after driving in a hot ass car around a dusty, dirty track:
I'm glad we can agree that it is outright unfair that Tia is gorgina and smart and funny and just a nice person. For reference, this is what I look like after driving around in even the slightest wind or heat or air or any element:
They then head to Tia's parents house for dinner, and I immediately decided it was my favorite place because of this specific reason:
PIGS IN A BLANKET! AND A BOWL OF PIGS OUT OF A BLANKET! Oh God. I am salivating looking at this. Little known fact for all of the men reading this hoping to court me, all it takes to win my heart is a big ass platter of pigs in a blanket with a side of tater tots while you blast Danity Kane. Textbook way to a woman's heart.

After they do a pigs-in-a-blanket cheers, Tia's brother Jason talks with Arie. He lets him know that he's heard Arie is a "playboy" and known to be kind of a player to which all human beings on the planet replied with:
It's important to distinguish a "player" from a "man who somehow weaseled himself onto a show that creates a psychologically confusing environment that convinces women that they like a garbage dude." I had barely recovered from laughing when Jason said he thought Arie was a "bad boy." A BAD BOY. HAHAHA. YOU GUYS, ARIE. A BAD BOY. The only thing bad about Arie is his face. And personality. And also his fashion.

Arie also obviously spoke with Tia's dad, a precious southern man with a bombass handlebar mustache:
In the end, Tia tells Arie that she loves him and I have a feeling she couldn't hear me screaming "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, HONEY." He punishes her proclamation of love by tangling his greasy pigs-in-a-blanket hands in her hair while aiming his mouth at her face:

What's her face brings him to Minnesota
Yeah that's right, Becca is still here you guys. She greeted him in the that way she is required to and we got to see it in a totally non-creepy way through some bushes:
They go apple picking and do some other white people stuff and we are forced to watch Arie destroy an apple with his mouth as if the apple is alive or something. Luckily, the producers maintain this weird voyeuristic camera situation so the leaves and branches mask some of the carnage:
Later they go to this little stand to make caramel apples and while dipping the apples, Becca says "You have to stick it in all the way," which I'm sure Arie has heard before. HAHA OMG EW GROSS YOU GUYS, STOP IT.

Arie meets Becca's family for dinner, which includes her mom and a few of her uncles who are especially protective of her since her dad's death. Her mom shares some of her concerns about the whole process and anyway here is Arie's face while she is being open and honest:
Honestly I think his brain could not formulate an intelligent response because he's so used to just eating a woman's lips when he doesn't know what to say. But like, you can't do that to someone's mom, ya know. He spent most of the conversation looking like someone asked him to divide 30 by 10, but he doesn't have 30 fingers so he doesn't know how to calculate it.

Future wife Lauren B. brings him to Virginia Beach
How the hell did none of these women rip their pants? I bet those rips on Lauren's knees are literally from this moment of jumping into Arie's arms. Also, anytime I've done this (and it's been pretty rare) my ass crack has always shown. Very reliable. 

The show saved Lauren for last as if we needed any other sign that Arie is definitely picking her and she brought him to Virginia Beach where her parents live. They first rode horses on the beach and held hands, which sounds cheesy but also kind of hard? To cling onto the horse with your thighs while reaching for someone's hand. No thanks.

In continuing this terrible Hallmark movie, they go to the top of a lighthouse to hug and stare off into what appears to just be barren land:
Also at one point, based on the background and lighting, their date became an episode of Laguna Beach (which coincidentally enough also featured several Laurens). You could throw this shot into an episode and people would just assume it's Lauren Conrad's new neighbor here to steal Jason away while also taking over the charity fashion show.
After horsing and lighthousing around, they make their way to Lauren's parents' house for dinner and we are all shocked to learn that her family is whiter than a loaf of Wonder Bread at a White Wine tasting in White Plains, New York. Her dad, who is a Navy vet, comes off pretty intimidating and says that if Arie hurts Lauren, he'll kill him. That's great and all but the best part is Lauren's mom making this face 98% of the time she is near Arie:
MAMA LAUREN B HAS ZERO TIME FOR ARIE'S FUCKERY. She is skeptical the entire time and keeps telling Arie in several different ways that she doesn't think this process is the most reliable. She asks him about the other women on the show and if he says the same things to them that he does to Lauren or if he compartmentalizes each relationship, which anyway she loses Arie at that point because he has no idea what "compartmentalize" means. I assure you he was shocked he pronounced it correctly on the first go. He says he is genuine in what he says to Lauren and wouldn't say it to the other women which, as we all know as viewers with eyes and ears, is a lie. He says the same recycled shit to each woman like his brain is just a looping teleprompter. 

He eventually asks for her permission to propose should the time come, to which she basically says "Eh, I mean, no but like I guess if Lauren likes you, there's nothing I can do which sucks because you are about as much of a catch as an old shoe."

Want to note here that Lauren has been engaged twice before, most recently to Chris Crane, a professional hockey player who kind of looks like a mix between Tim Tebow and Chris Pratt:
I'm not saying Lauren is downgrading but haha jk that's exactly what I'm saying. The previews for next week seem to suggest that one of the ladies' exes shows up and I hope it's this dude who looks like he could make Arie cry by sneezing.

So Arie shows up to the Rose Ceremony in the same old ass suit he wears every week complemented by the same constipated expression:
He decides to be extra dramatic this week and asks to speak with Kendall before handing out roses. Here's a summary of their convo:

Arie: I don't know if I should keep you around if you aren't ready to be engaged
Kendall: I'm not ready to be engaged
Arie: But are you ready to be engaged
Kendall: No
Arie: K, coo

So anyway HE FUCKING GIVES HER A ROSE. And sends Tia home. You guys. I hate this show but I love Tia and felt so bad for her. She was crying and asking Arie's dumbass what she did wrong (nothing, she did nothing wrong) and as we all know he is about as good at comforting as he is at kissing (read: atrocious). Tia going home set off a few emotions, which I'll let my girl Cardi B express:

Me when Arie said Kendall's name over Tia's:
Me remembering a critical fact about Tia in regards to Arie:
Me realizing this means Tia can be the Bachelorette now:
Still sad to see her go because she was the last of my favorites and it's going to be boring as hell to watch Arie pretend to like Becca and Kendall when he just wants to propose to Lauren. But so glad that Tia can be the Bachelorette! Proof that sometimes when life closes a hideous door, it opens a window leading to several hot men. A hot men window, if you will.

Anyway, I'm off to mentally prepare for two episodes next week. See you then!

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