Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by my main Carolina girl, Jenna, who sadly was sent home at the end of the episode. But not before she got to ho' out and enjoy the Moulin Rouge group date.

In which we witness a horrifyingly boring date
According to Arie, he was saving a Paris one-on-one date for Lauren B. Lucky girl! Because she got to do things like walk around a market while carrying what appears to be a copy of Breaking Dawn or the last Harry Potter book.
Dear God this date was painful to watch. While Arie is a terrible conversationalist/man/human, we can usually rely on one of the ladies to drive the conversation while he drools or stares at their mouths. But Lauren B. spent most of the date making this face:
While she admitted during dinner that she has trouble opening up because of trust issues, I'd like to think her silence was also due to her own inner monologue screaming "YO LAURIE, WHAT ARE WE DOING. WE HOT. WE SMART. DIS DUDE IS WACK." Honestly she was probably also pissed that while they were walking around, Arie's greedy ass hogged the cheese and baguette while she was left with the world's tiniest wine glass that in no way held the amount of alcohol needed to endure a day with Arie:

And he smacked that cheese while trying to get her to admit feelings for him, eventually saying he didn't know if she liked him by using the word "like" a record number of times in one sentence: "So like, I don't know, like, I just want to like, know that like, you like me, you know."

Despite them not talking the whole day aside from saying "Wow" and "Cool" and "Oh wow" to all of the Paris sights, Arie still gave her a rose and we were all punished with this:
And while this screenshot was from an earlier moment in the night, this is how I feel Lauren actually wanted to react to Arie's kissing:

Creole Lady Marmalaaaaaade
For the group date, Arie brings the ladies to Moulin Rouge wherein they're forced to learn choreography and wear seemingly really itchy outfits that look like every weird bejeweled thing you find in the clearance bin at Forever21, sewn together.
And ABC kept censoring all of the ladies' butts because GASP NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN A BUTT BEFORE HOW OBSCENE, but meanwhile they assault our innocent eyes with graphic images of Arie eating faces every week. It makes no sense.
This also gives you a good enough view of Arie dressed as a magician, apparently. In his defense, I will make fun of anything he wears because you can't dress up a garbage can. You'll always know it's garbage underneath.

I have to note that all of the women felt so out of their element and unsure about their dancing abilities and how they looked in their outfits. Except for my girl, Jenna. She was living.
Here we have Seinne talking to the woman who kind of coached them through the experience, and wondering how she looks. Meanwhile Jenna is full peacocking. She said this was the best thing to happen to her and while the other women were complaining about her outfits, she said she could live in it all day for the rest of her life. TEAM JENNA FOREVER.

We then had an intermission for the actual date portion of the evening, where the ladies changed out of their feathers into super cutesy outfits while Arie showed up in an H&M T-shirt because he dresses like your 22-year-old grad student TA:
And it's like this man has never seen skin on a woman before and he has to touch it to make sure this is real life and he isn't in the video game simulation he's usually in. And while the women attempted to have deep conversations with him and connect with him like he has any level of emotional aptitude, this was the face he made:
Y'all, I have seen a wider range of emotions from dryer lint. At one point, Seinne tells him that she feels a connection with him and she's so eloquent and anyway this is his response: "So like, just don't like, you know, like, put up too many like walls, okay." SOMEONE GET SEINNE OUT OF THERE.

Then in a non-shocking turn of events, Arie gives the group date rose to Baby Bekah, who, obviously this is the part where I bring up the fact that SHE WAS A MISSING PERSON. YOU GUYS. To summarize, she was living with her mom in California then told her she was going off to chase her dreams working on a marijuana farm. A few days later, her mom called her to tell her to come home, Lil' Bekah said no and that she'd be home in a week. Then a week later she hadn't returned and her mom didn't hear from her so she reported her as missing. The police couldn't get in contact with her so she was placed on the missing persons list. And she's been there since last November. DESPITE THE FACT SHE'S BEEN ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA, WTF. She was finally removed from the list when a local publication contacted the police department to be like "Um, that missing girl is getting her face eaten on The Bachelor, so I don't think she's missing."

My point here is, I don't think Bekah ever made it to the marijuana farm and that is honestly higher (hehe) on my list than being on a show with Lips Eater but alas here she is in a questionable choker.
Which blonde white woman will he choose?!
For the first 2-on-1 date, Arie brings kookoo Krystal and taxidermy Kendall to a French chateau. Fashion wise, Krystal arrives dressed as the mean girl from every 90s teen movie while Kendall opts for "love interest in a Nicholas Sparks movie that takes place in the 40s."
Half of the date includes Arie running into this giant bush maze and having them find their way through it to him. So basically, Krystal and Kendall are mice in a maze experiment and Arie is the smelly, disgusting, unattractive, useless, moldy cheese at the end. It's no wonder Kendall chose not to find him.
Following this useless first part of the date, the three of them move to a different area where they can more properly ignore these desserts:
Arie then steals Krystal away for a bit to chat and she continues to serve us this same cold dish of "I'm not crazy." Between Arie touching every hair on her head while saying romantic things like "Yeah..." and "Like, yeah," she lets him know that she wasn't ready to give up the "color and texture" of their relationship as if it is some sort of fancy comforter. He accepts her semi-apology, saying he thinks she's genuine in her feelings for him and not at all because he has been looking at her mouth like it's a Thanksgiving ham.
Krystal also does quite a bit of shit talking about Kendall, calling out the fact that Kendall hasn't been in love and clearly isn't ready for marriage. And while he doesn't say it, I know Arie wants to say "Well I mean, she makes out with me and let's me melon squeeze her head, so yes, she is definitely ready for marriage."

Krystal, being the unabashed kookaburra that she is, lets Kendall know that she talked shit about her and here's Kendall's face as she's telling her:
Every single one of us has made this face. Sometimes it's the face you make when you're thinking "Please stop talking to me so I can eat these chicken nuggets I just got for lunch." Sometimes it's the one you make as your coworker explains this "amazing, life changing" hemp juice cleanse they're trying. In Kendall's case, it's the one she makes while considering whether or not to kick Krystal's ass. She ultimately doesn't, and surprisingly is really kind to her, saying that she understands that she has been through a lot and blah blah. This literally baffles Krystal who always thought "empathy" was just a supplement you could add to your smoothie at Jamba Juice.

So then they go to a fancy dinner that is not prepared by the rat in Ratatouille, which, what is even the point in going to Paris if you don't do that. Luckily there are giant glasses of wine.
Ultimately, Arie gives Kendall the rose and to rub salt in the pork roast, Arie and Kendall then immediately leave together. This left me with a burning question that I know you guys were wondering too:
ARE THOSE GIANT MOUNDS OF RICE? OR MAYBE CHEESECAKE? OR A TART? DEAR GOD LET ME KNOW. I hope Krystal ate everyone's portion and drank all the wine on the premises. 

And thanks ABC for this super dramatic shot featuring a dimly lit Krystal with the Eiffel Tower in the background. I know we're meant to feel sorry for her, like "Oh, look at this lonely woman." But um, she's got a table full of food and a shit ton of French ass wine with an amazing view without any mouth interruptions from Arie. Who's the real winner here.
"Arie looks so hot being all mechanic'y"
Arie shows up in this fancy car to take Jacqueline on the last one-on-one date and they don't get out of the parking lot before it breaks down. A perfect opportunity for Arie, who is a race car driver and is constantly talking about his "knowledge" of cars, to fix it, right? HAHA NO. Girl please. This is the same dumbass face every man makes when he thinks he can fix something. And no offense to any dumbass men, y'all even know you make this face that's like "How dare this thing break when I need it and not fix itself as I need it and I am a man who needs it."

Anyway, after Derek Zoolander beating on it and realizing it won't run, Arie suggests they take a cab to their first destination, which is this cute boutique. He buys Jacqueline a dress because how dare she come wearing a dress she chose on her own and because Arie, who wears the same blue button down and bobo ass slip-on shoes every week, has a great fashion sense.

During dinner, Arie admits that he's intimidated by Jacqueline because she is so intelligent. And she asks him "Why do you think you wouldn't gravitate toward someone who is intelligent?" And to answer for Arie:
We learn that she plans to get her Ph.D. in clinical psychology and in response to this, Arie says: "I don't see her ambitions as a hindrance but as an obstacle that we have to get through." IN WHAT WORLD ARE WE USING "HINDRANCE" AS A DESCRIPTOR FOR "AMBITIONS"? AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AN OBSTACLE? SWEET BABY CORN I CANNOT HANDLE HIM.
Despite all of this and despite me throwing every academic textbook I have at the TV, he offers a rose to Jacqueline and she accepts.

Later during the Rose Ceremony, Carolina Jenna and Mom Chelsea are sent home. I knew Jenna's time was coming and I wasn't that upset because I know she's ready to get back to Raleigh and get drunk and eat Bojangles at 3 a.m. But Chelsea! Relatively shocked that he chose Other-Non-Baby Bekah over her. 

Favorite of the week: Tia
For no real standout reason except for her consistently amazing brows. Also, can we all agree that she looks exactly like Jana Kramer, aka, Alex Dupre from One Tree Hill?

See you all next week! Til then, find me creeping around here.

1 comment:

  1. You missed all the awkward moaning over wine between arie and krystal. Mm. Hmmm. Mmm. What the fuck?