Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Lauren making this face while having no time for Baby Bekah's immature bullshit:

"Everything looks better here"
Well, not everything Becca. Other Becca got the first one-on-one date in Tuscany which was good because I had completely forgotten about her. Other Becca is like that shirt you bought at H&M when you wanted to "try something new," but then put that shirt away, only finding it while cleaning out your closet to be like "oh shit, this shirt is still here."

Arie was sure to make up for lost time by melon balling her head and I hope she has dry shampoo because the way his fingers were in her hair, I bet it was oily as hell afterwards.

They walked around an apparently empty Tuscany and ate bread and went into a store to pick out coot wherein Arie knew the names of no cheeses or meats except for salami. While picking up bread, he said "How do you say small in Italian?" and yes I have many jokes about "small" but I'd rather let you use your imagination. Let's just say Becca probably needs to know the Italian word for small not to describe the meats but to describe other...meats (OHHH BURN).

At one point she says, "You're so easy to travel with," which yes Becca, it is really easy to travel with someone who has a major network paying for everything and reserving restaurants and planning everything. I hope she knows that if she marries Arie, that stuff is down the pooper and she'll have to move to Arizona and there won't be endless wine and coot.

Becca tells Arie that he'd be the first guy she brought home since her last serious boyfriend of seven years. She adds that they weren't really "official" though and that Arie would be the first guy she brings home that she "really likes and cares about." WTF SEVEN YEARS. AND YOU'RE NOT OFFICIAL? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? In my parents' eyes, I was basically official with Zac Efron because I talked about him constantly and made them watch High School Musical. So I don't know what Becca classifies as "official."

Ultimately she tells him she's falling for him and he gives her a rose and they make out in a dark alleyway.

Anne Hathaway cried a lot 
Jacqueline starts to doubt her future with Arie, wondering how he would interact with her family. This actually made me wonder how hometown dates will go. Especially since Arie gets to know people by making out with them. Have the producers old him yet that it is generally frowned upon to attempt to make out with your girlfriend's parents?

Anyway, Jacqueline, who really missed an opportunity by not having the girls call her "Jac-Quee," goes to Arie's room to tell him how she's feeling. She drinks a shit ton of his wine before telling him that she isn't confident enough in her feelings to bring him home to meet her family. STANDING OVATION FOR JAC-QUEE BECAUSE YES. Oh, but wait:
This whole interaction was confusing because between telling Arie she didn't like him enough, she also made out with him. It's like when you're trying to walk away from a pecan pie, but you keep coming back for bites of it. Except wait no, comparing Arie to pecan pie is so insulting to pecan pie. To clarify, Arie is more like a freezer-burned half-eaten container of vanilla ice cream. And not like Edy's or Dreyer's, but that weird K-Mart brand.

Jac-Quee finally has enough of his old ass ice cream and making out and leaves. But not before her and Kendall share the most dramatic Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants goodbye hug.

In which we are forced to watch Arie eat gelato
I could've gone my whole life without seeing Arie interact with an ice cream cone. Though we learned that he treats savory foods, sweet foods, and mouths all the same. Very much like "need to have this whole thing in my mouth at once."

For the second one-on-one, Arie takes Lauren B. out again because we all remember how enthralling and exciting their last date was. They bike around and Arie proceeds to do this, and to summarize this is why people think Americans are obnoxious.
Then they got pizza that appeared to be Hawaiian pizza because when you go to Italy you obviously get the FUCKING WORST KIND OF PIZZA THAT ISN'T A REAL KIND OF PIZZA.
I bet it was Arie too who was like "Oh, you know, like we should you know like try this really amazing type of like you know pizza." This moment also taught us that based on the way they are eating it, neither of them has had pizza before.

We then got a totally unorchestrated scene of them playing soccer with some local kids to remind us how unathletic Arie is. And in continuing this marathon of trying to turn us off the most, Arie says, "Sunset is going to be so good" as if he is a caveman who has never seen a sunset before. SUN GO DOWN, BE VERY GOOD.

They then have dinner and Lauren lets Arie know that she's scared to introduce him to her parents because he would be the first guy since her ex. She eventually tells him that she's falling for him and his immediate response is to leave the table to Justin Timberlake Man in the Woods walk around. Dramatic and extra as hell (both Arie and Justin Timberlake). He returns and tells Lauren that he's falling for her too and naturally they go make out next to this tree:

Seinne can be the Bachelorette now
The third one-on-one date went to the girl most out of Arie's league, Seinne. For the first part of their date, they hunt for truffles which is fine, but the best part was this:
The second best thing was that Seinne wore literal club clothes to search for truffle poop outdoors:
DO YOU, GIRL. They have lunch with this lovely Italian family that serves up homemade pasta AND pizza. Carbs with a side of carbs. For those of you wondering, this is who I wish the Bachelor was:
Later at dinner, after Seinne admits she is nervous about bringing someone home to meet her family, Arie says she is clearly a logical person whereas he leads with his heart. He then says "I'm trying to be really logic and emotional." HE'S TRYING TO BE LOGIC. LIKE THE NOUN. OR THE RAPPER, WHO KNOWS.

Seinne continued to clearly express her feelings while Arie said that he was struggling to find a deep connection with her like he found on the first two dates because again, we all remember the super stimulating conversation between him and Becca and him and Lauren.

He eventually tells her he can't give her the rose while making this stupid ass face holding the rose like it's a taco:

I think Bekah's mom is here to pick her up
The last date includes Baby Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall and Weiner Tia. They walk around this beautiful estate and then all of them ignore this wondrous spread of sandwiches and breadsticks and nuts and dear God I hate this show.
Arie goes to chat with Kendall first and in leading her away from the group we get verification that he has no ass:
I hope someone else brought the buns to this barbecue because things are looking pretty sparse. Anyway, Kendall spills her feelings and gives her Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You speech, to which Arie thoughtfully responds with "Yeah...." and also "Yeah...."

Tia is next and she let's Arie know that Baby Bekah might not be on the same page because it seems like she isn't taking it seriously and everyone knows The Bachelor is a serious program. And honestly I love Tia's accent so she can talk shit about someone all day if she wants. Plus, Arie is obviously not listening to a word she's saying and is just staring at her mouth before swooping in with his eagle talon lips to do this:

Anyway, Tia goes back and tells Baby Bekah "Yo, I was talking shit about you and I told Arie that you're not serious about being here but also I feel like your big sister." And so what's the best way to deal with this and prove to Arie that you're serious and mature?
By having Arie cradle you like a literal baby while you cry saying "Tia told me that she told you..." of course! Oh honey. I can hear the Steven Madden slip-on sandals flopping around like this is some drama unfolding at a middle school dance.

So then we get to the rose part and Arie has two roses to give. Kendall gets the first one because duh of course he has to choose between Tia and Bekah, that's suspenseful. And so the 3-on-1 date becomes a 2-on-1.

At dinner, Arie chats with Tia first and she tells him she's falling in love with him and honestly all I remember from this conversation is Arie pronouncing "picture" as "pitcher." In context: "I can just pitcher your family." Are we even sure Arie has read a book before? And not like a pop-up book, like a real book with words that aren't size 72 font.

He then chats with Bekah and they sit on this couch in a completely normal and comfortable way:
In the history of sitting on couches, no one has ever sat on a couch like this and felt comfortable. How dead was her leg when she got up? It looks like she just has a rogue foot growing out of her other leg. Anyway, she told him she was falling for him and he ONCE AGAIN said "I'm just trying to be logic." NOT LOGICAL, LOGIC. So at this point it's clear he wants to be the rapper, Logic.

In the end, Arie decides to give Tia the rose and Bekah actually exits pretty gracefully, telling Arie that she knows it'll turn out well for him in the end. And then she gets in the car and this happens:
She was doing some deep crying, like the kind you do when a dog dies in a movie or during any episode of This Is Us or during the entire second half of "The Fault in Our Stars."

And with Bekah's exit, we're down to our four hometown ladies: Other Becca, Boring But Beautiful Lauren, Taxidermy Kendall and Weiner Tia. I'll let Tia close out this post:

The proper reaction to Arie asking "Wanna go talk for a bit?"
Tia always knows what's up. 

See you next week for hometown dates!

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