Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week's episode is brought to you by Krystal, being ignored by literally everyone, while doing a cartwheel during the group date at a bowling alley. Because if there's anything more embarrassing than a group date at a bowling alley when you're not 13 years old, it's doing a cartwheel on a group date at a bowling alley when you're not 13 years old.

"I'm on a dreamboat...with a dreamboat"
HAHA GET OUT OF HERE, CHELSEA. She was unfortunate enough to be selected for the first one-on-one date in which Arie took her aboard what appeared to be a docked boat. They hugged a shit ton because I guess if his hands aren't on some part of a woman's body at all times, he'll wither away. Then they rode jet skis wherein this of course happened:
This looks completely comfortable and not at all weird in the middle of some random, busy channel in Florida. I'm shuddering because I'm imagining being that close to Arie. What I'm about to say is going to sound offensive but that's only because it is — While I've equated his personality to a boiled chicken, as it turns out, this applies to his physical appearance as well. He's just pale and slightly yellow and pink and mushy and honestly I would like it nowhere near my own body.

For their dinner date, he took her to something that screams "DELICIOUS FOOD!" — a car museum. Okay also, unless you are fucking Batman and you're showing me the bat cave full of your bat cars, I do not care. Just take me straight to wherever we're having surf 'n turf. Anyway, here's the only good part about the date:
LOOK AT THOSE BIG ASS GLASSES OF WINE. And the ignored meal of the night was filet mignon on top of what appears to be whipped mashed potatoes. Chelsea spilled her life story and told Arie about her son's father and her relationship with him, which included a tumultuous breakup. The girl has honestly been through a lot and anyway this was Arie's face as she's pouring her heart out:
He is quite literally the :\  emoticon personified. He said some just super amazingly supportive and deep things like "That must've been really tough." It's been so enlightening to see Arie open up so much each week and show us how many layers his personality has. Haha jk, he has about as many layers as a nude beach goer. 

I have never wanted something less in my entire life
ABC was kind enough to provide what I can only assume is some sort of abstinence advertisement ahead of the group date. 

So the other 50 girls got to go on a group date at the bowling alley. They split into two teams and Arie told them that the winning team would get to go to the after party with him. Blah blah, he ended up saying both teams could come, obviously. And this upset Krystal because her team won and she is sick of having to fight for his attention. She continues to be confused about the premise of this show. 

Also, now seems like a good time for a friendly reminder: This show is not real. There is no other environment where women like these women would be FIGHTING for someone like Arie's attention. I mean unless they're all at a baseball game and he's the beer and hot dog guy. Maybe then.

Wait, Krystal is crazy
So by doing the unthinkable and asking all of the girls to come to the after party (GASP SO CONTROVERSIAL) Krystal felt that Arie was a liar and went back on his word and therefore she decided she didn't want to join in the evening's festivities. She gave this long spiel about not trusting Arie and how her bowling team won and honestly I didn't pay attention to a lot of the crazy because I was too busy focusing on the ladies' facial expressions:
They of course tell Arie about Krystal calling him deceitful, so he leaves to go talk with her because he feels he needs to clear the air and Lil Baby Bekah's reaction speaks for all of us:
And here's a summary of Arie and Krystal's conversation:

Krystal: I felt like my team was disrespected
Arie: Ummm....it was bowling

AND SCENE. He told her he wasn't happy and whatever we all know he'll eat her face the next time she allows him to and this is all stupid. He then went back to the group date to allot time to grab each woman's head like a cantaloupe while saying really poignant things like "In some ways this process is really slow. And in some ways it's really fast." WOW THANK YOU ARIE, SO INSIGHTFUL. SO DEEP. WOW.

He continued to torment us by doing a lot of this:
Do these women keep kissing him because they think he'll get better? It's kind of like when you try a new food for the first time and you're like "Is this fermented boiled chicken good?" And then you keep trying it until ultimately you get food poisoning, which is what I'm trying to warn the girls about.

Reminder: Tia is too good for Arie
Our little southern charm Tia got to go on the second one-on-one date, which included a swamp tour and then a feast of fried food. I want to note that this is what Tia looked like after spending an afternoon out on the water with humid ass wind blowing in her face:
What the actual hell. She looks better than me when I've had lots of water, a full night's rest, a Chrissy Teigen face transplant and a new wig. AND HONEY THOSE BROWS. Tia is my favorite.

She went on to tell Arie about her dating history and how she's basically dated terrible guys who she felt the need to fix. She also mentioned growing up in church and asked Arie if he believed in a higher power to which he pulled a reply from his cheesy handbook for life and said "I think I create my own destiny." HAHA the only destiny he's creating is a Destiny's Child mixtape to listen to while practicing kissing on his own hand.

Tia was also lucky enough to see Arie eat some fried frog legs. And while we haven't seen him drink from a bottle or anything, I imagine he's one of those people who puts their entire mouth around the top of it, guaranteeing there's always backwash.
How to react when someone asks if you would eat human meat
Okay we've already established that Kendall is...eccentric. She has this notebook with a bunch of questions in it that she pulls from when she's trying to get to know someone. She ends up asking Arie if he were to come across a group of people who ate human meat, if he would try it. At this point, I could not get over her saying the words "human meat." Arie quickly replied "No, unless it's a life or death situation," so I guess this show is life or death because he's eating these girls' faces every week.

Wait, Krystal grew up in a bowling alley (can someone fact check this)
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Krystal chats with Arie and he all but tells her that her being crazy freaked him out. And she starts to get emotional and says that she acted the way she did BECAUSE SHE GREW UP IN A BOWLING ALLEY. And that being in one again stirred up all these negative feelings. I have no words here and I just don't even know. 

Also ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Krystal welcomed the women to speak with her individually but not in a group setting because she feels attacked. This whole portion of the episode was pointless and mostly included Krystal defending the fact that she's a crazy kookaburra while the girls repeatedly said she should stop kookaburra'ing. But it did provide this moment of Krystal saying she's done with the drama while throwing imaginary glitter:
Despite all of this, Arie still ends up giving Krystal a rose and honestly I wasn't surprised. ABC is 100% keeping her around for entertainment value and because I'm pretty sure at some point she is going to eat a live bird or something.

Favorite of the Week: Jenna
YOOO MY HOMEGIRL JENNA. First off, she was drunk as hell during the bowling date and did shit like this:
Because look, if you put a pitcher of beer around a Carolina girl, she will drink it. And persuade you to drink too. And then later yell about wanting Taco Bell. And anyway here was her during the evening portion of the group date:
She ended up with a rose at the end of the episode, so we're still on that Team Jenna forever train.

See you all next week! Til then, find me here.

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