Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's episode is brought to you by Taylor Swift's song, "22." We'll find out why in just a bit.
Reminder: Arie makes out with everything, including this glass

Second reminder: Seinne is far too good for Arie
Arie chose Seinne for the first one-on-one and they went parasailing, which okay to be honest is pretty freaking cool. Seinne then reminded us that she does in fact like Arie (I assume in response to us constantly screaming "YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM"). She added that she obviously isn't ready to use the "L" word yet, and by "L" word I assume she means "LA'BYE BYE ARIE" but I guess we'll find out later.

After parasailing, they went to dinner and Seinne talked about her family and mentioned how when she was growing up, she didn't see a lot of love stories on TV and in movies featuring girls that looked like her. As she was being ever insightful, this is what Arie looked like:

I think this look of confusion followed Seinne's use of the big word "appropriate." It's like we can hear the wheels in his brain squeaking into overload. Also, I'm not sure if Arie knows or not, but most humans can listen with their ears. You don't have to have your mouth open to soak in everything. Though, based on what we've learned about him, maybe his mouth is quite literally where all 5 of his senses are.

Arie then took Seinne to some private show (not that kind of private show) with some band called Lanco whose lead singer appears to be James Van Der Beek:

So many pairs of Lululemon leggings
For reference this is how cute all the girls looked for the outdoorsy group date:
And here is what I look like when I'm doing outdoorsy things:
So first they did what all normal people do when exploring the outdoors: ate worms and bugs. Because if there's anything you need to do within 3 minutes of being outside, it's eat bugs. They were then split into teams to hike to the lake house to, you guessed it, get in the hot tub, which honestly looked pretty amazing per the bucket of champagne.
But then our vision was compromised when ABC decided to give us a peek of what we are not missing.

Just want to give a shoutout to the shunned food this week. Seinne and Arie ignored this juicy piece of chicken during their one-on-one date:

I'm not sure when Caroline and Tia became breast friends but I loved them. Sadly they barely had time to weave BFF bracelets as Caroline was sent home roseless. But for one solid episode we got Tia'Line.

"I come across as flawless"
Krystal kept calling the other girls desperate and juvenile for literally doing the same things she does, aka trying to hang out with Arie. It's almost like she's participating in a show that is based around a man dating 15 women at once! Anyway, as she became more and more insecure she said more and more cocky shit. Here are some gems:

"I'm not sure what I'll say to Arie later, but I do know that it'll be perfect."
"It's really hard to show who I am in a group setting without being intimidating because I know I come across as flawless."

Later during the night portion of the group date, which is honestly just a time for Arie to talk to each woman 2 inches away from her face before eating it, Krystal let Arie know she was feeling "ostracized" (haha what are the chances he even knew what that meant). She essentially felt like Caroline and Tia were Regina George'ing her and anyway this insecurity continued for the entire episode and I assume will for the entire season because ABC is definitely keeping her crazy ass around.

"She seems really mature"
Arie took Lil' Baby Bekah on the second one-on-one date. They went horseback riding and then what naturally follows going horseback riding, got into the hot tub. Does this show just have a portable hot tub that they pop up in every date location?

Later during dinner, Arie brought up being 36 and how now in his "older" age he likes things such as "waking up with the sun," wtf who says shit like that. He then put together this very thoughtful question: "And I don't know, do you like, to like, you know, like, go out still?" And eventually we got to the point of this whole conversation and Bekah told him she's 22. To which he said:
And he said he was worried she wasn't ready for marriage and blah blah blah we all knew he'd still give her a rose because she is a woman with a pulse who makes out with him and that is exactly his type.

It's the claw!
Please note how in the last one his hands are LITERALLY through Bekah's hoops. And look, I enjoy kissing as much as the next person, but I do not need your greasy fingers all over my face all the time. By the end of this show, so many of the women are going to have gone through terrible breakouts, because not to be rude, but Arie looks like the kind of guy who would eat some buffalo chicken wings then not wash his hands and then rub all over your face.

Favorites of the week:
Yo, my North Carolina homegirl Jenna is just here to have marker brows, drink and makeout and I support her priorities. Here she is running to the hot tub with a bottle of champs for herself. She cracks me up.
Surprise, surprise, Tia again. She had no time for Krystal's crazy ass whining and told her as such. She also got the group date rose but more importantly, drank and ate what appears to be rolled up bacon on a skewer. Kween.

See you all next week! Til then, find me here.

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