Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

We have to begin this post by addressing a critical issue:
THERE'S JUST GIANT JARS OF FUCKING CANDY IN THE HOUSE? FOR FREE? AVAILABLE AT ALL TIMES? Why don't the women either congregate around the candy bar or bring the candy jars to the couch? I have so many questions and this scene is really making me question the legitimacy of this show. LOOK AT THOSE WILD BERRY SKITTLES. Wild Berry Skittles are the Rolls-Royce of Skittles. I'm shocked we have yet to have a scene where one of the girls gets wasted and spills one of the jars of candy all over the floor. I CAN'T TRUST YOU, ABC.

Also that's Annaliese's back to the camera, which provides a good transition.

Oh no Annaliese, no no
Thirsty ass Annaliese spent the majority of the episode having a Claire Danes' cry attack about being one of the only women to not kiss Arie (seriously, even I've kissed him). Between posting emo songs to her Myspace, she even managed to bring down the pure joy of the group date involving a bunch of adorable dogs. 
Those are Arie's nasty ass legs, which I'll address in a bit.

While everyone was enjoying the dogs, we were lucky enough to hear Annaliese dramatically recount her many "traumatic" experiences with dogs. One of these experiences is literally about the time she was staying at a friend's house and their dogs came into the room she was sleeping in. HOW DARE THOSE DOGS THAT LIVE IN THAT HOUSE ENTER A ROOM THAT IS IN THE HOUSE THEY LIVE IN.

Okay so anyway, she's on this sinking Debbie Downer ship and in a last ditch effort, before the Rose Ceremony, she talks to Arie and basically asks him to kiss her. To which he says, "I don't think we're there yet." THIS COMING FROM THE DUDE WHO HAS PROBABLY MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG. If you didn't guess, this sealed Annaliese's fate and she went home.

Lauren did the brave thing no one else would do
LAUREN S. ATE SOME OF THE COOT! SHE ATE THE CHEESE! Later Arie ate some of the grapes because he's a dumbass. Everyone knows you eat the meat and cheese first, idiot. My point here is, regardless of what I say about Lauren S., girl is a hero and we along with all the wasted coot boards will not forget her cheese endeavors.

They had a pretty cool one-on-one date at a Napa winery and then quite possibly the most awkward dinner I've ever had to watch between two humans. Lauren talked for 150 hours straight while Arie pretended to be interested because let's not kid ourselves, despite any conversation going on, he is only ever thinking about two things: 1) Me like making out/eating faces 2) Me do not know what to do with hands. 

He ultimately did not give Lauren the date rose because he felt like she probably needed to go home to be with her family and also felt she "didn't open up enough" to him. WTF. THIS GIRL JUST GAVE YOU THE LONG-FORM, ACADEMIC RESEARCH PAPER ON HER LIFE. 

ABC left us with this super dramatic, cover of a teen romance novel shot of Arie holding the rose:
Per my earlier assessment of what his brain can handle, please look at his hands. NO ONE HOLDS ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HOLDING THINGS.

The only item of note from the other group date
The girls created personas for themselves for a wrestling match, wherein most of them did that thing where they tried to make their costume "sexy." Kind of like girls at Halloween who dress up as a "sexy nurse" or a "sexy doctor" or a "sexy baked potato." But, our girl Bibiana went full-on Cady Heron and dressed as a bridezilla:
It ultimately didn't matter as Bibiana was sent home during the Rose Ceremony. Which, isn't she the real winner here, getting to go home.

I finally know who this is!
I swear they didn't show her name AT ALL during the last episode, but we finally know who Marker Brows is! And by "know who she is" I mean we really know who she is:
When the show reminded me she was from NC I was like "YOOO NC YOOOO" but then she straddled Arie before the Rose Ceremony and I was like "YOOO NOOOO." My issue with this is not her brazen making out with a guy, it's that the guy is Arie. COME ON GIRL. You live in the south! We eat biscuits for every meal, I thought your judgment was better than that! And I know the premise of the show is to get to know the Bachelor and win his heart, but I feel that's only the case when the Bachelor is hot and rich and smooth, all of which are antonyms for "Arie."

Wait, I have to point out that when Jenna was leading Arie to this couch to make-out, she said "Oh, it's chilly out" and he replied with "Oh, I'll bring the heat." HAHAHA I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED OFF IN MY LIFE. The only heat he's bringing is the fire to light this rocket so I can be shot into space away from him.

Following this make-out session, you'll be shocked to know that Arie did in fact give Jenna a rose. I'm sure based on the deep, meaningful conversation they had.

Times I was especially grossed out by Arie:
As I think I've established before, the way Arie eats and kisses is exactly the same, so the top left and bottom right photos grossed me out for the same reason. It's safe to assume I am fully turned off by Arie's mouth. It's like watching that Man v. Food guy do one of those disgusting food challenges. Or watching a snake try to swallow a bird egg whole.

In the top right one, Arie looks like a thumb or maybe a foot. That is my only reason.

The bottom left one is Arie during the dog group date. He for some unknown reason decided to wear patterned shorts with tube socks and Converse. First off, I could've gone my whole life without seeing Arie's legs in shorts. As for the look, I don't know if he thought this was fashionable because the boys in Stranger Things wore it, but um, Arie this is 2018 and you're not 13 and you're also not being tormented by a demogorgon.

What I'm saying here is that these four photos actually caused my ovaries to seal themselves in a vault as far away from Arie as possible. 

Brows that are too good for Arie:
Eyebrows aside, Marikh and Seinne are absolutely too gorgeous for Arie. Let's be real with ourselves here and say that if it weren't for the show and being forced to mingle with him, they WOULD NOT give his wack ass the time of day. Nothing grinds my gears more than women wasting their brow potential on a scrub. Also, this begins my petition for Seinne to be the next Bachelorette. SPREAD THE WORD.

Favorite of the week: Tia (again)
Arie surprised Tia with a "southern" setup, from which we learned that Arie thinks "southern" means bales of hay and moonshine. It's kind of like how restaurants think a chicken salad can be marketed as an "Asian chicken salad" because it has mandarin oranges and almond slivers.

Our girl Tia drank the moonshine with no issue while his goofy ass made this face. I need to get to something deep real quick: I have zero time for a guy who can't take shots of something without making a face. And that's not something that is based out of gender norms. It's purely because during shots, I yell and make gross faces and I need to be the sole center of attention, and if my dumbass guy is making this dumbass face, it steals my thunder. You understand.

Back to the point. Arie knows zero things about the south, has probably never had Bo'Berry Biscuits and likely equates chicken cooked on the grill to "barbecue."

Additionally, I will also accept Tia as our next Bachelorette.

Ending this post by sharing my reaction any time Krystal speaks:

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