Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

Despite last season of The Bachelorette wearing away some of my most precious brain cells, I decided to give The Bachelor a chance. After all, I'm an equal opportunist and also apparently a sucker for idiocy. Now, as a heads up, I didn't watch Arie on Emily's season of The Bachelorette. So, I didn't really know what to expect from him aside from the fact he looks about as exciting as a boiled chicken.

I was disappointed that in all of ABC's "Janu-ARIE" promos, they missed the most obvious one of "ARIE ready to watch the season that was supposed to feature Peter but he turned it down so anyway here we ARIE."

Just in case you're not on this sinking Titanic season with me and don't know what Arie looks like, here he is:

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This looping gif makes him look like a malfunctioning robot. Actually, anytime I see these promos I think he looks like a Chili's server handing you your bottomless chips and salsa. And I don't mean that to be an insult because as we know I like my men like I like my food: bottomless.

Before we jump in, if you're an academic who needs all the facts first, you can see actual profiles of all the women here.

I found this episode to be especially taxing because we were introduced to every blonde real estate agent in the U.S., but nonetheless here are my notes:

How to be chosen for the season:

You apparently need to be really into deep thinking while staring into blue skies.

These look like the dramatic opening credits of some new show on The CW. What could each of them pensively be thinking about? How Donald Duck is always pantsless but covers his bottom half when he gets out of the shower? Because ME TOO.

We get it, you're all excited that it's Arie

Every other woman told Arie they were so happy to find out he was the Bachelor. Who did they think ABC was going to cast, a rhino? They all act like it's such a risk. Like, will this season feature a hot ass former athlete or will this be the season that the Bachelor is actually Michael Cera?

And the ladies kept being surprised at how many women were arriving to the house and at how beautiful each of them was. AGAIN, this is a reality show on a major network. Did they honestly think ABC would let the old ass witch from Snow White be on the show?

All of these intros are terrible 

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This particular one is Maquel. Yes. Maquel. She must be guacamole at Chipotle because she is extra as hell. We get it, you used all of last month's paycheck from your job as a "professional" photographer to buy these hair extensions, but girl. It's not like all of her hair was even inside of the helmet. She acts like she's been living in that helmet for 10 years and is finally free. Also, because I'm all about facts, this is what hair actually looks like if you wear a helmet:

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What if you're the first girl to arrive?

So you go into the house and wait while those clown car limos unload 150 women. Are you allowed to just drink as much as you want? I'd be at least 5 glasses of wine deep. And because I am ever the kind generous soul, I'd pour a shot for the group each time a new girl arrived. What I'm saying is if I ever make my mother proud by going on a trashy ass reality show, please do not let me be first into the house with alcohol. The cops will be called and I'll get banned from yet another state. 

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HOW OLD IS BEKAH M.?

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While you can't count on The Bachelor to include the best people or most interesting dates, you can ALWAYS count on it to list the women's ages anytime their name is onscreen. But this season very noticeably does not list Bekah M.'s age. Now, I'm not one to speculate, except in situations where I'm unsure of something and have no evidence and literally just want to give my opinion. Those are the only times I speculate. But Bekah is either 18 and that would look weird on screen, or she's actually 88 and like the Red Witch on Game of Thrones. Just wearing that necklace choker thing to keep her young when she's actually wrinkly and old as hell. I'm assuming we'll find out later this season when she either takes that necklace off or her parents come to pick her up for school.

Oh thank goodness, we have a villain already!

Chelsea is that bitch who wears a pair of new shoes for 3 weeks then tries to return them to Aldo and when the sales associate is like "Um, these have been worn," she raises her monotone nasal voice to say "Um actually they have not. I bought them like this with scuffed sides and worn down heels with gum on the bottom. Can I talk to the manager." 

She was first to chat with Arie and she kept saying she was "mysterious" or some cringy shit like that. Who the hell calls themselves mysterious? Especially Chelsea who is about as much of a mystery as a clue on Blues Clues? Later, while all of the other women were chatting with Arie, her wackass stole him away AGAIN to do this:

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I'm really sorry to subject us both to this. I am constantly perplexed by white dudes who don't have lips. It's honestly an epidemic. Where do they apply chapstick? These two look like if I made two sock puppets kiss. And look, I'm not trying to be rude but Arie looks like his breath would smell like corn chips.

Anyway, in a shocking turn of events, Arie, who claims he wants to give the first impression rose to someone he has a "genuine connection with and not just a physical one," gives it to Meredith Blake from The Parent Trap.

I have a feeling Lauren may win

Four Laurens. FOUR. I'm shocked ABC didn't ask Lauren Graham and Lauren Bacall and Lauren Conrad to join the cast. Just to round it out. Of the 29 women in the first episode, four of them were named Lauren. Thus, the Laurens were THIRTEEN PERCENT OF THE CAST. THIRTEEN. To be honest, I can't even tell Lauren B. and Lauren S. apart when they're onscreen and we can't be sure they're even two different women. And I can't even remember which Laurens received roses at the end of the episode. I'll let you know next week.

Favorite of the week: Tia

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I love Tia. She's from a town in Arkansas called Weiner and she has a precious little Arkansas accent. When she meets Arie for the first time she gives him a "little wiener whistle" (this is exactly what you're imagining, a literal whistle in the shape of a hot dog) and says "I hope you don't have a little wiener." HAHA HOMEGIRL OFF THE BAT WITH THE WIENER JOKES. Anyway, wieners aside, she has great hair and brows and I'm assuming the show counts her as a minority because she has brown hair. But because the reality TV show gods hate me, I'm assuming declaring I'm Team Tia means she'll probably be sent home next week. Whatever, more time for her to brunch with me and Chrissy Teigen.

I leave you with Arie taking a "funny" picture with Maquel, a sequence of events in which we learned Arie does not know what "funny" means.

See you next week!