Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First things first - how many times can my brain handle hearing this before exploding:
I know Becca is already tired of saying it because even she knows you only say "Let's do the damn thing" in two situations: 1) While in Amsterdam and 2) If you are a beaver about to build a home.

Welcome to BKoof's season! She earned it after enduring a shit stain personified named Arie.

Throughout our journey (lololol), I may refer to her as Becca, Koof, Koofy or BK or anything else my brain comes up with, so please keep up. As is tradition, the episode began with a recap of Becca's life in Minneapolis, post-Arie, because we needed to be reminded that Becca is an independent woman who don't need no man! Except if offered one through the very same show that shat on her heart and embarrassed her on live television. Yay!

Before bringing out the beef cakes, Becca met with the last 3 Bachelorettes: Rachel, who picked the creep ass with hair plugs Bryan; Jojo who picked the cucumber from Veggie Tales; and Kaitlyn who picked the knock-off K-Mart version of Ryan Gosling. So all these ladies had exciting wisdom to share because none of them have questionable judgment at all. I was actually interested to learn that they all chose the guy they gave the First Impression Rose to, so there really is a science to this show.

The only other thing I want to highlight from this meeting is THE FACT THAT JOJO LOOKS JUST LIKE MAREN MORRIS:

I mean honestly, who is the Grammy-winning country artist with endless talent and beauty and personality and who is Jojo? Now that we'e addressed that, let's...
If you didn't wear a navy suit, you can't sit with us

Navy suits were the Lauren's of this season. I didn't even capture them all because I'm pretty sure about 80% of the dudes were in navy suits. Was there some sort of sale or BOGO deal? It's funny how the ladies are always so concerned about standing out when these simple ass dudes all went to the same rack in Nordstrom and were like "K, cool."

Don't want none unless you got buns, hun
One man bun is already one too many, but TWO? No. I didn't even take the time to learn their names, but I do remember the guy on the right thinking that he might not get a rose because he "looks a little different than the other guys" (he ended up getting one). Nah brah, it's because our bank account can't afford all the conditioner we'll go through and our vacuum cleaner won't survive the shedding. 

Omg Connor, I love your work
I'm glad we can all agree that if we mushed the world's greatest soccer player, Lionel Messi, together with 90s teen movie "star" Breckin Meyer, we'd get Connor. Who actually, I liked and not just because he reminded me of the cinematic masterpiece "Clueless." He stole Becca away for one-on-one time first and did this:

Because if there's anything I love more than a hot guy, it's a hot guy using a really sharp object to open something that could be opened with a less dangerous tool. Add some fire in and I'd marry him on the spot. As a note, if anyone can teach me how to do this, I will pay you 100 bugs.

Objectively, this was impressive

Christon is a Harlem Globetrotter, so during his one-on-one time, instead of kissing Koof's ass for 10 minutes, he did this. Didn't even mess up her hair! This was probably the most memorable thing a guy did during the first night, as far as one-on-one time goes. As far as memorable entrances go, that has to go to...

I don't actually know what I think about Dave yet, but I thoroughly enjoyed him calling her BE-CAW and his chicken puns. Made me want fried chicken real bad. 

Hello to the former Mr. Aly Raisman
Colton is a former NFL player who now focuses on his foundation that supports people living with Cystic Fibrosis. I thought he looked familiar and this is why:
He and Aly Raisman dated back in 2016-2017 after he met her at the MTV VMA's (where all great romances happen). Seems they split amicably though so I can continue to like him for now.

John is the Seinne of this season
John is BY FAR the most successful and intelligent guy on the season (and maybe ever on the show). He's a software engineer who helped create this little app called Venmo. VENMO. Y'ALL. Meanwhile, one of the other dude's profession is literally "Colognoisseur" BECAUSE HE LOVES COLOGNE. Anyway, I thought John was sweet and he's clearly smart and is probably allowed to use scissors that aren't child-proof.

These two ding dongs got sent home before the Rose Ceremony. Becca recognized Jake (guy on the left) when he got out of the limo because he's from Minneapolis and they've met several times and have mutual friends. She eventually pulls him aside to chat and tells him that they've met several times and nothing happened, so why is he on the show if they could've dated outside of, oh I don't know, a TV show? He tells her he only remembers meeting her briefly once and blah blah, she says she doesn't trust his intentions and sends him home and everybody cheers.

Disney villain Chase (on the right) was already someone I didn't like purely based on those brows (we first met him during After the Final Rose). ONLY BAD GUYS HAVE BROWS LIKE THAT. Plus that spread collar, no no. One of the other guys, Chris, tells Becca that After the Final Rose aired, a girl that Chase dated who Chris knew, told him that Chase was not a good guy and was only on the show for exposure for his new advertising firm. Chris then goes and gets Chase and both of them talk with Becca about this and she ends up sending Chase home and we rid ourselves of at least one pair of terrible brows in our life. Everybody wins!

Seriously, does this show not do any social media vetting
Becca ends up giving the first impression rose to Garrett, which will hopefully break the tradition of ending up with the guy you give it to. 
Thanks to Ashley Spivey (from Brad Womack's season, I had to Google that because I wasn't on the sinking Bach ship then), who took screenshots of Instagram posts Garrett liked before deleting his account, we've learned that he is likely a smelly pile of alley trash. This ignoramus liked posts mocking trans people, undocumented immigrants, left-wing women and Parkland students. I know the show has already wrapped filming, but let's hope ABC doesn't wait until the finale to do something (like with that imbecile Lee from Rachel's season). Also, CAN THEY HIRE SOMEONE TO SIFT THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS? A LITERAL CHILD CAN DO IT.

Who I hate the most:
I polled the world and the world agrees that Jordan is the absolute worst. He is a "male model," a little tidbit he only shares every other minute. Between judging the other dudes suits and shoes, he decides to not even have one-on-one time with Becca. Because of course, that is ONLY THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. He is 100% a "Well, actually" guy and will undoubtedly mansplain to Becca at some point. I also predict he will threaten to have his father sue someone. 

Who I love the most:
Besides Connor, Colton and John, I liked Jake:
Mostly because he wore a red suit and no one else did. And he rode in on an ox because his "feelings for Becca are already as strong as an ox." That shit is cheesier than fondue but I'm here for it. Adorable.

Speaking of adorable, I also loved Clay:
He's an NFL player and is soft-spoken and loves his family and for purely research purposes I found this photo of him because it's important for us to have all the facts:
So things are off to a good start! To be honest, I don't remember the scrubs Koofy sent home because there were 28 men to begin with. But all of my faves are intact and my guess is that ABC will keep Satan (male model Jordan) around for a while for dramatic purposes.

So glad y'all are joining me on this sinking ship again! See you next week!

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