Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF (the mention of) MY GIRL TIA!
We'll dive into why her name came up later.

Shirtless Men + Alcohol = Classic Group Date
In general I find these early group dates exhausting because there's 500 dudes and they're all like carp in a pond trying to get to those food pellets (except the pellets are the Bachelorette). But I didn't mind this group date for reasons I'll let you figure out on your own. The guys arrived to this cute little house to find they were being fitted for nice tuxedos and let's just let Becca take us on this journey:

"Omg, hot men are changing, I'll look away because I am ever so polite and shy"
"Why, what is this? Booze?"

So all of the six packs got fancy and headed outside to be greeted by these cheese balls:
Yes Rachel, we all remember you as the idiot who went with your second choice guy who has cheek implants, hair plugs and an overall creep aura because you needed an immediate proposal instead of a FINE ASS PETER THAT AGES BETTER THAN WINE. Anyway, she let the guys know they'd have to go through this obstacle course that was apparently supposed to be symbolic of the things you go through leading into marriage.

Becca said she needed to "see if they have what it takes to be marriage material," because nothing proves a man's loyalty and maturity than making him wear an expensive ass suit to roll around in mud before using his face as a shovel to dig through cake.
You'll be shocked to learn that I've never eaten a cake with just my face, but it seems like it'd be a really educational and immersive experience. In the end, British guy Lincoln wins and we move on to the actual date part of the evening wherein they all cheers with drinks none of them will drink and that I can assume are just water with food coloring and soap bubbles.

The battle of the chests

The drama of the evening is presented by Lincoln and my favorite Connor. Lincoln brags about winning the group date challenge and is touting this photo that was taken of him and Becca after the win. Connor can't handle the fact that no one remembers he was in Clueless and eventually takes the FRAMED photo of Lincoln and Becca and throws it out the window. Which, okay yes rude, but also really hilarious. In general, reacting by throwing a small object kind of cracks me up. One time in college I was (perhaps drunk we'll never know) in a club and this guy I knew came up to me and my friends. He was wearing glasses and, as one does when presented with a person wearing glasses, I asked if I could try them on. Long story short, I tried them on then proceeded to throw them into the crowd. HAHA Y'ALL. INTO THE CROWD. Why anyone lets me hang out ever is beyond me.

Back to the point. After the picture throwing, Lincoln tells Becca about it and says he was looking forward to showing the pic to his mom and that now he feels physically threatened by Connor. But the real drama unfolding is WHO WILL SHOW MORE OF THEIR CHEST? I swear both of them had extra buttons sewn on their shirts just so they could unbutton them.

All of this drama mattered less than the opinion of someone who hates puppies as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Jean Blanc and we learn that kissing doesn't always have to look like a little fish being eaten by a big fish.
Let's show how Becca is over Arie by constantly bringing up Arie and making the season about Arie
Tall glass of almond milk Blake gets the first one-on-one date. For the first part of it, they put on jumpsuits that Becca attempts to glamorize in the same way any 13-year-old girl would - by belting it and cuffing the pants of course! Where the hell did that belt come from? And more importantly, do you think I should get Timbaland boots?
They proceed to "bash Arie" by destroying a bunch of TVs replaying Becca and Arie's engagement, the couch he dumped her on, one of his old race cars and apparently champagne bottles because slapping shattered glass around really shows your ex what's up. And this entire portion is emceed by Lil Jon which isn't confusing at all.
During the dinner portion of the date, Blake tells Becca that he fell fast for his last girlfriend and told her he loved her after only 2 months. He found out she planned to break up with him when he saw texts on her phone that said "Did you dump him yet," which daaaaamn. My little almond milk. Becca rewards his sweetness with a rose and some mouth-to-mouth and EVERYONE IGNORES THE BIGGEST, JUICIEST CHICKEN BREAST.

Pond of carp date #2
The other 500 dudes go on the second group date which begins with kids (read: child actors) pelting the guys with dodgeballs as Becca wears some sort of athletic shorts made of aluminum foil.
The guys play a game of dodgeball in the gym before changing into booty shorts to play dodgeball on trampolines and no one showed me their six pack so all-in-all everyone loses. Also this dude played the entire time WITH HIS HAIR DOWN.
Nothing confuses me more than working out with your hair down. It gets sweaty and sticks to your neck and face and is generally cockatoo crazy. His hair reminded me of this girl in high school who I used to play basketball against. She ALWAYS wore her hair down during games. I can't tell you how many times I almost ran up behind her and just surprise scrunchied her.

Drama with Colton happens during the group date, but I'll scream about that in just a second. Becca gives Wills the group date rose and all I want to talk about is how I thought the rose was being displayed on a plate with fried chicken wings and clams.

Colton is stressing out during the evening portion of the group date and tells one of the other guys that he has to tell Becca something. I assumed he wanted to tell her that he used to date Aly Raisman, BUT NOPE. This is the face of a woman who just found out that one of her 50 boyfriends hooked up with one of her TV best friends just a couple months ago:

THAT'S RIGHT. Colton says that back in January, he and my main homegirl Tia "spent a weekend together." Which, I mean, who knows. Maybe they spent a weekend playing Connect Four (make your own dirty joke here) or reading Crazy Rich Asians or watching The Great British Bake Off. WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Becca is shook learning this and does the whole "can I trust him" thing and anyway here were my emotions during this reveal:

When Colton said he had "something to tell Becca":
When Colton reveals he hooked up with Tia:
When I realized this sucks for Becca but means we get more of Tia:

This is all very 90210'ish and Becca of course draws out the drama by giving Colton the very last rose of the night. Sidenote: I love how Chris Harrison comes out IN EVERY EPISODE and says "This is the final rose" like duh dude, we can all see there is one rose left unless Becca is hiding one in her ass. Which, actually that'd be funny. Like you think she's given the last rose until she yells "BUTT WAIT, there's one more." No one steal this idea because I plan to do it on my season of The Bachelorette.

A cocktail party, indeed

Jordan, who pronounces "ingenuity" like IN-JOO-IN-A-TEE, decides that this is how he can creatively get Becca's attention. It was stupid and all the guys clearly hate him and honestly I'm only including this so I can make the "cock-tail" party joke.

I have no idea who this man is
Apparently his name is Alex. I do not remember him at all and now it doesn't matter because he got sent home. This was the best screenshot I got because during his goodbye interview I was sifting through my cookie dough brain for any memories of him. None. Except for this one now of him crying about leaving. Rickey and Trent also went home if those names ring any bells.

Best kiss of the week
Becca kissed a few guys this week, but this one with Clay was smoother than a dolphin's body (ew, it feels weird to type "dolphin's body"). And he's adorable. He of course got a rose this week, as did my other faves Venmo-John and Lionel Messi-Connor. So good so far!

See you all next week! Til then you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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