Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Let's chat about the Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by this mouth watering plate of eggs and turkey bacon cooked up by David the Chicken, who coincidentally enough cooked up quite a bit of drama as well (see what I did there, wow).
We'll get to that later, but as a note, these are the kinds of pics girls want. Stop with the dick pics and start with the bacon pics.

Now where should be begin...oh right...

I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I love Tia. Thanks to ABC for having her in the beginning of this trash fire episode! For the first group date, Becca brings back Tia and her other TV best friends for a spa day in which the dudes give them massages and pedicures and whatever none of that matters let's get to the juicy steak.

Colton is "coincidentally" on this group date that features Tia to remind us that they were in a very serious weekend-long relationship before the show. Becca pulls Tia aside to discuss this because she still can't decide if even though she doesn't quite trust him, she should keep him around because he's hot as hell. And here's how their conversation plays out, featuring Tia's flawless brows and lashes:

Becca: So I heard you and Colton hooked up.

Tia: I'm not one to go after Aly Raisman's seconds, so anyway all we did was kiss

Becca: Oh, coo coo. Do you think he thought you'd be the Bachelorette?

Tia: (internal monologue) Wait a minute, am I not the Bachelorette?

Becca: Do you think he still likes you
Tia: I mean what does "like" even mean? Because if it means he is attracted to me and would like to marry me so we can create our own Noah and Allie in The Notebook story, then yeah I guess so.

Okay, I might have exaggerated the last part. It all ends well because Tia has plenty of wieners to choose from in Weiner, Arkansas, and also TIA AND COLTON ONLY SPENT A WEEKEND TOGETHER. So, it's not like she's written his name all over her Trapper Keeper or something. It's also confusing what these men refer to as a "relationship." By Colton's definition, I've been in a relationship with an XXL pizza. Real hot and heavy. In that the pizza was hot and I got heavy.

So everything is fine and Becca can trust Colton because Tia said so. They return to the group date, which by the way, looks like some sort of cult meeting in a Ramada Inn conference room.
The biggest question I was left with was from Becca's pre-group date meeting with the ladies:

WTF IS THAT ON THE CARB PLATTER? Because to be honest, it looks like croissants, chocolate covered pretzels AND CHICKEN BREASTS? BAKED POTATOES? I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.

Chicken vs. Model

During the evening portion of the group date, it comes up that "model" Jordan had 4,000 matches on Tinder in a year. This really grinds David the Chicken's gears, who becomes more obsessed with talking about it than your white friend after they "discover" bubble tea. Jordan of course says that despite the 4,000 matches, he's "not really on Tinder that often." HAHA Y'ALL. If you're blessed enough to be unfamiliar with Tinder, let me give a quick summary: You swipe right on people you like and if they swipe also, then you match! So, two people have to participate. But he didn't really go on it that often, just often enough to get 4,000 matches.

Chicken decides he needs to utilize all of his one-on-one time with Becca to tell her this, which goes down like this:

Becca: So today was fun and...
Chicken: Look, I don't want to throw anyone under the bus
Becca: Okay, so yeah the group date was...

Becca doesn't seem to really care because she's in a real life Tinder situation and makes a joke about it to Jordan, who only gets angrier at Chicken for pulling a "bitch move" by telling Becca. They exchange some of the stupidest back-and-forth and honestly I've never seen two dudes less capable of engaging in any sort of fight. I'll let the other guys' reactions paint the picture a little better:
I felt more embarrassed for them than I did for Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini that time I watched "From Justin to Kelly."

Model used his time with Becca to emphasize that he's here for the right reasons (to be on TV, duh) and that he's a great boyfriend, likening himself to a golden retriever, which I assume means he'll eat your food if you leave it out and then shit in your bed.

Both Model and Chicken's idiocy prove to be fruitless as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

Wait, this isn't the guy from 10 Things I Hate About You?
Becca admits TO HIS FACE that she forgot this dude's name but then tells him that she has a crush on him (great save). I want to hate on her but that's hilarious. She straight up says "New phone, who dis" then makes out with him. Not all heroes wear capes. Also, I was shocked to learn his name is Jason and not Andrew Keegan.
Watches "Josie and the Pussycats" once:
Becca rocks this outfit from Forever21's 2010 "metallic" collection for her one-on-one date with Chris at Capitol Records (which is actually pretty cool).

As a reminder, Chris is the smoothie you get when you blend Chandler Bing's crazy roommate Eddie (from an early season of Friends) with young'ish Ben Stiller:
So they go to Capitol Records where Richard Marx happens to be...right here waiting (lolololol)...to lead them through a songwriting session, because if there's anything two non-musical people want to do, it's write music. This reminded me of a time in 3rd grade when my friends and I decided we were going to start a music group, so we of course needed to build a catalog of music. As an example, one of our songs went like this (totally uninspired by any other music groups at the time): "Girl power, We need some girl power, Girl power, We need some girl power, There's too much boy power." Which, I mean wow, pretty insightful for a bunch of 8-year-olds.

They both write some lyrics about getting to know each other and Richard Marx (who looks miserable doing it) combines their lyrics into a song. This entire date would have been exponentially better if: 1) They didn't have to do any of this and 2) Instead of Richard Marx, Danity Kane performed for the entirety of the date.

Later during the "dinner" portion of the date, Chris tells Becca that his parents got divorced when he was young and his dad pretty much abandoned the family. About 5 years ago, he wrote his dad a letter, trying to re-establish a connection, but never received a response. It's a pretty heavy conversation and ends with Becca giving him a rose. They then have a competition to see who can fit more of the other person's head into their hand.

In which Chicken gets into a fight...
....with the floor. I fucking hate ABC for framing this episode like The Model attacks The Chicken in his sleep or something. Turns out, David is taken to the hospital after falling out of bed and smacking his face on the floor. Chris Harrison, who literally only brings bad news, lets Becca know and she calls Chicken who tells her that he'll be back.

In theaters this fall: The Clay Date
So Becca joins the second group date by, how else, running. Is this a stipulation in the contract or something, that for every entrance, you have smile while running? In any other situation, running toward people while attempting to show all of your teeth would be considered "frightening" and also "alarming."
For this group date, the guys do some football drills before splitting into two teams for a game and none of that matters because this date might as well have been a Nicholas Sparks film starring Becca and Clay. Here's the highlight reel:
The film's sequence of events: 
1) Scene where we meet sensitive football player 
2) Scene where we see how manly and muscley football player is
3) Scene where football player meets the right girl
4) Scene where they have an adorable close-up moment wherein both of them stare at each other in slow motion and realize they're meant to be.

And, because every romantic film must include a dramatic climactic event, Clay ends up injuring his wrist at the end of the game!
He's taken away to seek medical treatment, meaning that this episode has sent TWO guys to the hospital. Proof that the show is not only detrimental to your brain cells, but apparently also physically terrible. 

Luckily though, Clay returns during the evening portion of the date (in a sling!) and Becca genuinely looks happy and relieved to see him. She ends up giving him the group date rose, pinning it to his sling and it's adorable and whatever maybe I thought it was cute.

In the dramatic finale of this critically-acclaimed film, we learn that Clay broke his wrist and will need surgery. Meaning he has to decide if he wants to leave the show. Which, I think it's sweet that he even debated this for a second. Should he choose his professional football career that is his passion and allows him to provide for his family? Or a girl that he met 2 weeks ago who says things like "Let's do the damn thing"? He lets Becca know and she's sad but understands that family comes first. They share this sweet moment and I honestly think he would have made it to at least the top 3. But at least there's a silver lining in that he is available for me to date. Things work out for the best.

Who is this man
Okay so I thought that if you didn't get the one-on-one date, you get to go on one of the group dates. But that's apparently not the case because this blonde, eye-rubbing dude didn't go on any of the dates! There was a better shot I could've got of him but honestly at this point it doesn't matter because he'll be going home next week.

Edward Cullen of the Week
Blake is the first man this season to realize that GASP Becca is dating like 50 dudes at once because THIS SHOW IS CALLED THE BACHELORETTE. We got many emo shots of him having an existential crisis over his Bella kissing other guys. He also calls Becca his girlfriend at one point and I guess I'm just wondering how many centuries he's been 17 for.

And that's it! With Clay gone, I'm putting just about all of my favoritism into Connor, so here's to hoping he sticks around til the end. See you next week! And as always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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