Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's episode is brought to you by last week's "Who is this." I've since learned that his name is Nick. He shows up to the first Rose Ceremony of the episode in mob boss leisure wear that highlights his tiny, white chest, which apparently works because Becca gives him a rose. But the gold chains don't mesmerize her enough, as she ends up sending him home at the end of the episode because she has literally never interacted with him and likely only gave him a rose before because she thought he was the pizza delivery guy.
The injured chicken returns
Chicken returns to the house just before Rose Ceremony #1 and Becca gives him Clay's rose...I mean a pity rose...I mean a rose. She then tells him to go lie down because he needs rest and honestly I can't believe she didn't say something like "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me." OOOOOOO. I'm generally annoyed with David because it seems like his sole purpose of being on the show, aside from assaulting floors with his face, is to argue with Male Model Jordan. He obsessively talks about him like me at a Shawn Mendes concert and it's just sad.

Okay and also, the other guys welcomed him back like he got injured saving a litter of puppies from a house that was on fire atop a mountain. And I'm not saying that I need my man to be immune to injury, but I would like my man to be able to win in a fight against a bunk bed. Call me old fashioned.

Also, all of the shots we were provided of his busted face and bloodshot eye made him look like a Batman villain.
I can so clearly hear him saying "GOTHAM IS MIIIIIINE."

After Chicken returned and Male Model Jordan was multitasking by lifting his eyebrows and complaining at the same time, all I could think about was how that candle-lamp-thing looked like a popcorn machine. I'm including a photo of a popcorn machine for those of you who just time traveled to now from 1800. It made me want popcorn real bad.

Speaking of Jordan, Becca gives him this pair of gold hoochie shorts as a joke and wow I totally didn't see this coming:
It seems his only bit is....showing his bits (WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH, NO NEED TO APPLAUD).

This is Lincoln defending his theory that the earth is flat because "everything looks flat from a plane" and if it were round (like he is gesturing), how does the ocean not fall on top of us? He also believes we don't fall off the earth because of friction. FRICTION. Anyway, all of this is moot because we have already written Lincoln out of our lives per his conviction of indecent assault and battery of a woman on a cruise ship. While he was just convicted (after filming ended), he was charged back in 2016, so um, this seems to be a pretty big item to miss on the so-called "thorough" background check ABC does. 

"Garrett makes such good eye contact and is tall"
Speaking of people we have written out of our lives, it's racist-bigot-idiot-garbage-bag Garrett! Becca chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Park, Utah, (where we have relocated for this episode) because of his ability to be tall and maintain eye contact at the same time. RENAISSANCE MAN! They do some cheesy 90s romantic comedy shit like trying on hats while taking photos with a DIGITAL CAMERA (what even) and the entire date is more vanilla than Vanilla Ice eating Vanilla Wafers. We learn that Garrett was married before and got a divorce after 2 months because "she was emotionally abusive." He also says that he thinks he fell in love with and married the wrong person, which yes you idiot, that is why you got divorced. Becca seems a bit worried about Garrett's divorce bombshell but then instead of addressing it further just makes out with him and gives him a rose.

Can someone Venmo me a John
For the group date, Becca brings all of the guys to a quasi-lumberjack competition which seems pretty risky for a group of dudes wearing tight skinny jeans. The highlight of this is my lil' baby boo/Venmo co-founder John realizing he's way stronger than he thought. He dominates the competition and has this little chin stubble thing going on and I'm sorry did I mention he is actually intelligent? I re-read his "Bachelorette" bio and it says that he enjoys "making his world-famous banana bread." UM DID I JUST MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? For those of you keeping track, this is what it takes to be the man of my dreams:

1) A good face
2) Ability to make banana bread

Omg, I'm kidding of course. The man also needs to own a wiener dog.

In which everyone is embarrassed and everything is terrible
So Jean Blanc uses his one-on-one time with Becca to first give her this perfume that he "made" by printing cursive font onto a label and gluing it over the original label for a bottle of Miss Dior.
He then goes in for what may be one of the least chemistry-filled kisses I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot because I've watched that TLC show about virgins getting married and sharing their first kiss on TV. Becca is about as into it as a vegetarian at a hamburger eating competition. Thankfully, one of the guys interrupts this physically painful moment, but this does not deter Jean Blanc. He comes back and interrupts the interruptor. He then proceeds to tell Becca THAT HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Y'ALL, HE HAS KNOWN HER FOR MAYBE THREE WEEKS. MAYBE. She reacts by touching her face because this can't be real and she must be asleep in some wackass dream.
After processing that Jean Blanc did in fact profess his love, she tells him that she is OBVIOUSLY not there yet because they've spent less time together than it takes to warm up a Hot Pocket. Things then spiral quickly into Awkward Town and she tells him he should go because this has been weird as hell. 
As Becca is walking him out, Jean Blanc says that he only said he was falling in love because he thought that was what Becca wanted to hear. And with that, the last spritz of Jean Blanc's dignity is down the pooper. 

This whole "I LOVE YOU" then "JK! I DON'T LOVE YOU" ordeal really affects Becca and she cancels the rest of the evening, depriving us from hearing the intellectually stimulating conversation we usually get during these group dates.

Okay Wills is cute
Becca chooses Wills for the second one-on-one date and they go snowmobiling before cozying up next to a fire with glasses of champagne that neither of them will drink. And while there is generally an "Out to Lunch" sign where my heart should be, a few things convince it to return and say "Awww." One of these things is a guy kissing your forehead:
Most "romantic" things are lost on me — roses (waste of money, I want chicken nuggets), poems (oh God), songs (OH GOD), declarations of love, but the forehead kissing thing actually makes me giggle. Involuntarily. This is the one weakness God programmed into my code. Thank goodness I'm not some sort of secret agent charged with keeping government secrets because our enemies could get anything out of me by kissing my forehead. 

While all of this was sweet, the picnic basket that accompanied their date was random as hell.
It was like one of the producers grabbed a bunch of random props to throw in a literal grocery store basket. Or did we just miss the part where Becca wears a fedora while eating Bugs Bunny carrots? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, ABC.

During dinner, Wills tells Becca that he thought he found "his person" with his last girlfriend. They were together for 3 years and talked about getting married and having kids until one day, out of the blue, she asked for a "hall pass" to sleep with another dude (and Wills could also sleep with anyone else too). Um, I'm no relationship expert, but if your significant wants to sleep with someone else, things may not be going well. Wills admits that he was blindsided by this (and they obviously broke up) to which Becca shares that she too was "blindsided" in her last relationship. To which all of civilization replied, YES GIRL WE KNOW, BY ARIE. I hate how many times his name comes up, not only because he is a human dumpster fire, but also because I'm worried if we say his name too many times, he'll just appear again in all of his boiled chicken glory. And none of us deserve that torture. 

Straight to the biz
For the final Rose Ceremony of the episode, Becca decides she doesn't need the dumbass cocktail party that usually happens before it because she already knows who she wants to give roses to. As a note, the cocktail party is ALWAYS a waste of time. The rose giver already knows who they like and 3 minutes of forced smiling and mindless chatter isn't going to change their mind. 

Becca gets straight to the business and ends up sending home mob boss sweatsuit wearer Nick and Harlem Globetrotter Christon. And then they do their normal cheers with glasses of soapy water. This always reminds me of Tila Tequila's dating show that ended every episode with the group saying "HERE'S TO A SHOT AT LOVE!" And now I'm sorry for bringing Tila Tequila up.
Here's a closer look at Andrew Keegan, who I can actually hear saying YAAAAAAAAAAAS:
Section where I reveal that I take lots of screenshots of Connor
Some of my favorite Connor moments this week (clockwise, from top left):
1) When he spoke while facing slightly to his left
2) When he took his shirt off
3) When he wore a bow tie
4) When he bit his lip while facing slightly to the right

Get you a man who can do it all.

And that's it! Baby boo's John and Connor are still going strong. 

See you next week! As always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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