Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie and Rachael doing what we all must do to get through these episodes every week:

It's allegedly week 6, but it feels like we've been doing this for a decade so let's get to it!

This MJ is about to get dunked on

We pick up at the stupid point we left off at last week — the pre-Rose Ceremony 2-on-1 with Jessenia and MJ. As a reminder, MJ joined Victoria and Anna in being the founding fathers of bullying in the house and Jessenia truthfully informed Matt of this because GASP he asked. 

Before Matt shows up, we get more arguing where MJ says she's going to let her "actions speak louder" than her words but then she also says some really loud words so that's misleading.

Matt arrives and speaks with Jessenia first. She straight up tells him that MJ lied to his face because she acted like she "didn't know" there was any toxicity in the house while basically being BP and spilling toxic sludge everywhere. She also mentions how MJ says she "leads by example," which I guess isn't necessarily false if the "example" MJ is providing is one of the villain from an 80s soap opera. Matt thanks Jessenia for her honesty and hugs her AND WOW HIS HANDS ARE LITERALLY THE SIZE OF HER ENTIRE BACK:

I meeeeeeeean, I'm interested (in buying gloves for him, omg what else did you think I was saying).

While Jessenia and Matt are talking, MJ is like an evil candle just slowly melting down while thinking about how absolutely out of line it was for Jessenia to tell the truth (doing so in MJ's book makes Jessenia a bitch, wow a real shining beacon of a leader, such an example, applause). The spirit of Shitoria also enters her as she says Jessenia needs to "literally" check herself, which what does that even mean, Jessenia should draw a giant checkmark on herself, this is unclear.

Matt then talks with MJ and he tells her what he's heard about her has been so surprising because it's nothing like what he's experienced with her. She's then like oh damn the grass is real dry out here lemme turn on these sprinklers and starts crying while telling him they have a real connection. She says she's only been trying to "bring everyone together" I guess in the same way Moses brought together the Red Sea. 

In a shocking turn of events gratifying to everyone, Matt gives the rose to Jessenia and sends MJ home.

But hey! Now she can return to her real passion of trying to marry Nick Parker and sending his twin daughters Annie and Hallie off to boarding school.

Not Matt breaking up Magi'Gail

Because Matt is emotionally exhausted, he cancels the cocktail party and gets right to the Rose Ceremony where he sends home dancer Ryan, Chicago girl Brittany and MAGI!!! MAGI!!!! 

A PHARMACIST, WHO OH, CASUALLY MODELS AND ALSO RUNS A CHARITY THAT PROVIDES SHOES TO UNDERPRIVILEGED GIRLS IN DEVELOPING COUNTRIES!!!! Anyway, she gracefully tells Matt it was "nice to meet him" (I like to imagine there's a layer of shade there, like who are you again?) and she hopes he finds what he's looking for.

I will never forgive Matt for breaking up this legendary best friendship:

Magi has been completely unproblematic while not taking part in any of the drama and not complaining while actually making the best of all of the group dates. And you have to participate in at least one of these things to stay on the show, so. I'm awaiting the official statement from Tia or Caroline about being dethroned as top best friends, will report back. 

Hey y'all, I heard there was an opening for the role of villain

So throughout Victoria's reign, Serena was on the sidelines egging on and encouraging the bullying, but this week she decides it's finally time for her time to shine in the shitty person spotlight. After Matt cancels the cocktail party, she blames it on Katie and her "antics" because it seems she's at the center of all of this recent drama. Katie's like "nah girl, if Matt don't like you, it's not my fault" and hooray we have new beef, no need to worry about being vegetarian!

Later they have another confrontation I guess because there's nothing else to do in this hotel since none of them have phones or TVs. Serena again brings up Katie's "antics," saying she isn't here for Matt. Katie laughs in her face because she thought Serena was coming to apologize and promptly shuts down her ridiculous argument by telling her she's "PA-THE-TIC" and she won't let "mean girls be mean girls in this house." Serena, who has not thought out an argument past using the word "antics," then repeats her same argument before Katie cuts her off to say "Thank you for your feedback" along with this hand gesture:

Y'all, I was already on Katie's side because she's right and also because her shorts + high socks combo is my work-from-home uniform, but if I wasn't on her side, this sarcastic royal hand gesture would've got me.

Serena returns to a group of the women and tries to imply Katie is being stupid before Katie shows up like IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY MY NAME, BETTER SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST, okay not exactly that but close. And anyway, Abigail is all of us because we're all just like "Where did Magi go?"

And while I don't want to do it this week, I can't break tradition, so....

Other things Serena did this week

Along with trying to prove that hey! she's also mean! She dramatically touched her forehead before somehow getting the last rose AGAIN at the Rose Ceremony. She also sat between Abigail and Rachael on the bowling group date wearing layered gold chains (love to see it) and gave us an unbeaten red lip for the evening portion of the date. I now realize she is likely not the best person, but when a girl makes a bowling shirt look fashionable, you gotta give her her props. It's the law.

One-on-one date with Pieper

Pieper gets the first one-on-one of the week and Matt picks her up wearing a sweater made of the same  material that the car seats are upholstered with.

They drive to some spot into the woods then walk around pretending it's dark when we all know these woods are illuminated like a baseball stadium by production equipment. They finally reach this "random" switch (love a good free range, organically grown switch) that Matt tells Pieper to turn on:

When she flips this Dexter's Laboratory switch, we learn that SURPRISE it's just a randomly placed carnival! 

They go on rides and eat cotton candy and there are no clowns so all in all this is a pretty great carnival experience.

Later, for the evening portion of the date, Pieper shows up in a super cute dress while Matt opts for looking like the dad in Home Alone:

I love how you can tell his style just hasn't evolved past southern-frat-party-prep. This is Vineyard Vines, bro! Anyway, he didn't dress like Peter McCallister for nothing — the tie signals it's tie'me for Pieper to open up and share something extremely personal in exchange for probably nothing from him.

She tells him that her family has never been very good at verbally communicating love, so she's not used to sharing or talking about her feelings. While she says this made her a tougher person, it also made her realize she needs words of affirmation, but it's just been hard to let people in. And I totally get it because I'm really trying to let that piece of grilled chicken in(to my belly):

Pieper then tells Matt she's falling in love with him and he's basically like "Nice! I think you're cool too so keep sharing super deep stuff with me" before giving her a rose. 

He then says he has one last surprise for her and we all know what that "last surprise" ALWAYS is:

It cracks me up that when this happens, the Bachelor/Bachelorette says "We're so lucky to get a private performance from [insert name of band none of us have heard of]!!" Like I bet I could tell you this band's name was Pot Roast & Potatoes and you wouldn't know the difference.

Anyway, as is tradition with any live music performance by a country'ish band, they slow dance and makeout.

What Kit looks like in a sweater vest + tee combo vs. What I look like

Just needed to include this because not only is she a world chess champion, but she can also wear sweater vests?? I assume this comes as a package deal with being rich.

The group date is a middle school birthday party

For the group date, the women are split into two teams (as designated by different bowling shirts) before competing against each other to see who will get to spend the evening portion of the date with Matt.

Things don't go so well for the blue team, so I just want to highlight COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!! (all caps always required) cheering on Abigail as she follows through like this after bowling a gutter ball.

Based on evidence from Bri and myself (I think that's a big enough sample pool), comms managers LOVE to cheer on our friends! Scientific fact! 

In the end, the pink team wins, meaning Chelsea, Serena P., Jessenia and Michelle will get to spend more time with Matt:

Love how uninterested Kit is in any of this, just sitting with her legs all pretzeled. 

Matt thanks the blue team for playing and says goodbye to them since they'll be heading back to the hotel. And I think I speak for all of us when I yell NO ONE ATE ANY OF THE PIZZA??

OR ANY OF THOSE BOWLS OF SOME SORT OF FRIED CARBS PROBABLY?? If someone made me wear a bowling shirt and put my fingers into a communal ball, there is no way I would NOT eat all of the pizza in return.

Anyway, the blue team returns to the hotel and they're all sad and angry about not being able to spend more time with Matt before a "special" date card arrives inviting them to the cocktail party. So Matt really made these girls walk back to the hotel only to be like "K, come back now!" AND IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF THEM FUELED UP ON PIZZA TO GET THROUGH THIS EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. 

So they join the cocktail party and everyone gets time with Matt and in the end he gives the group date rose to Michelle:

I'm predicting she'll be around til at least the top 3.

Checking in with Abigail's hoops

This week we are getting thin silver hoops AND a middle part! PROTECT THIS WOMAN AT ALL COSTS.

One-on-one date with Katie

Katie gets this week's second solo date, but before Matt picks her up, he's "surprised" (sure Jan) by his best friend and NYC roommate, Tyler:

Tyler was on Hannah Brown's season of The Bachelorette. As a reminder, she chose Jed and his peanut shaped head over this hot piece of man. And as a result of him being on her season, I can only hear his name pronounced in the way she said it, like "Ta-ler."

Matt and Tyler play pool and Tyler offers sage advice from his time in the trenches of this show. Honestly this is the only appearance by a past Bach person that has ever made sense because Tyler is actually friends with Matt (as opposed to when Ben Higgins was randomly throw into an episode). Matt thanks him for coming to see him and we all thank for him dat booty doe:

Luckily, this isn't the last we see of Tyler since the first part of Matt and Katie's date will revolve around playing a prank on him. 

And when I say this isn't the last we "see" of Tyler, this is what I mean:

This part of the date is actually pretty entertaining because it's like a mini episode of "Punk'd." Tyler shows up for what he assumes will be a normal massage, but the masseuse is actually an actress wearing an earpiece to follow instructions from Matt and Katie who are watching from the next room: 

At one point the masseuse takes a phone call "from a friend" (it's Katie) and loudly talks about how she's giving a massage to "Tyler from Hannah's season of The Bachelor," like this would somehow embarrass him when we all know these Bach people LOVE being recognized. Tyler eventually catches on after Matt sneaks in and starts giving him a massage instead:

I mean, I guess it's hard not to notice when you go from being massaged by tiny hands to hands the size of Jessenia's whole back (a scientific measurement).

After a fun afternoon, Matt and Katie meet for the evening portion of the date that takes place inside a bottle of Pepto Bismol:

Katie talks about her past relationships, noting her last serious relationship lasted 3 years before she realized she wasn't being herself in it. Since then, she's been particular about who she dates before saying "But I'm here for you until the end, if you want me to be," which is so matter-of-fact and genuine? Something we rarely get.

She also takes a moment to recognize how "hard" this probably is for him (lol it's not) and thanks him for being so thoughtful every week. In return, Matt tells Katie that she's "set the tone" for the women in the house (aka she's the only one who's spoken up against bullying) and he appreciates her. And since they've had such a fun day together where he's basically been like "You're perfect!" he of course tells her....he can't give her a rose:

(Again, I do not choose the screenshots, they choose me) 

He says she's been honest with him, so he owes her the same honesty and it's that his relationships with other women have progressed further. And anyway, this is the face of a woman who just spent the past two weeks cleaning poo out of this pool only to be told "Thanks for doing all of that! Now you can leave too!":

Don't want to reveal any spoilers here about what's going to happen with Katie, but....I don't think this is the last we'll see of her.

"This random ass girl walked in..."

Around the middle of the episode, Heather (from Colton's season) arrives to Chateau Nemo because at some point, Hannah Brown told her that Matt was "perfect" for her, so she just had to zoom on over in her minivan:

Chris Harrison eventually comes to greet her and is like wtf are you doing here, Colton's season ended years ago. And Heather's caucasity is like "I know y'all are halfway through this season but that's not going to stop me." And anyway I guess if you just show up to where The Bachelor is filming and demand to be on it, they let you because Chris Harrison tells her to go back to her hotel and do the whole two-week quarantine. 

Throughout the episode, we get random clips of Heather in quarantine, to help us get to know her better. And what we learn is she can balance a pizza box on her head:

She says "if this isn't impressive, I don't know what is" and no judgement, but I'm pretty sure she is one of those people who claps when the plane lands.

We also learn her feet must feel no pain as she crams her toes into shoes that look like they're made of the hard plastic that kids' toys come in:

She stuffs her feet into these Barbie-sized shoes before setting off to make her first appearance in front of the group at the Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Her arrival is filmed like she's some sort of hotel ghost arriving to reclaim the love of her life: 

She walks right past the group of women and straight to the room where Matt is talking to Pieper, asking to "steal Matt" away to talk. Pieper leaves them because Matt is all but putting a hand in her face to speak with Heather instead. He's obviously surprised to see her and it's clear they've DEF met before, sorry not buying that they haven't. They hug and sit down to talk and that's where we're left hanging!

My guess is this Heather thing is a blip to fill the dramatic void. But who knows, it's not like the Bachelor men have a strong track record of making good decisions. 

Guess we'll find out next week! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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