Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Magi'Gail, my favorite best friends in the house, making the faces I made in response to Victoria finally being sent home (but also imagine loud YEEESSSSSS screeching):

Remember how after Sarah left, Victoria said the trash had been taken out? She wasn't wrong — there was a trash pick-up — but that pick-up didn't happen until this week when Matt sent her evil ass home. So let's just jump in because her departure is the best thing to ever happen to this franchise.

When Victoria says she's two steps away from going home

Thanks Ciara, for summing it up. 

So at the end of last week's episode, Katie let Matt know that the house was full of toxic sludge with a lot of the oldies bullying the new girls. Matt then kicks off the Rose Ceremony cocktail party by addressing this, saying "If you have to belittle someone to shine, that's not what I'm looking for in a wife" and anyway hey ladies, if you think he's talking about you, touch your face:

Matt talks to Anna first, who is now realizing that she can't just accuse a woman of being an escort on national television without any consequences. She tells Matt this was "completely out of character" for her as if she accidentally tripped into being a mean girl and she's the victim here. She emphasizes how "sorry" she is while never actually apologizing to Brittany for calling her an escort. Super sincere! Anyway, Matt sends her home for creating a toxic environment. But hey! Now Anna can return to focusing on finding out who the fairest of them all is.

Okay so Anna shit in the pool once and she's been kicked out. But what about serial pool pooper, Victoria? Don't worry, her time is coming, but first some stage setting (as if we need to see more reasons for her to go home).

First, seeing Anna sent home sends all of the oldies onto immediate apology tours with the new girls because they're worried their bullying will also come to light. We get to hear lots of "Omg, y'all are great! We've just been kidding! Please let us know if we can do anything to make you feel more welcome" and it's all more fake than the tuna salad at Subway (very timely, thanks).

And next, during Ryan's time with Matt, she tells him about how all of the oldies are now trying to make amends because they're worried for themselves. 

She tells him that Anna wasn't the only one making this experience terrible — the actual queen of  dumbassery has been Victoria (the only crown she's earned). Ryan shares that Victoria called her a "ho" because she's a dancer/choreographer and it obviously affected her and I mean, it's not exactly the most welcoming thing to call someone a ho unless you're talking to a literal gardening hoe. Matt reassures her that he wants this to be a safe space for the women and sets off to chat with Shitoria.

And as we know, not only is Victoria a bully, she's also like the square root of 2 in that she can only express herself irrationally (A MATH JOKE, PLEASE CLAP). She tells Matt that her calling Ryan a ho was "taken out of context," which makes no sense unless, again, there was a literal gardening hoe walking in behind Ryan who Victoria was actually addressing. Matt doesn't believe this (obviously), but for now, tells her he has some thinking to do.

He then cancels the rest of the cocktail party, which sends Victoria into a kookoo spiral, primarily exhibited in an overuse of the word "literally." She complains to a producer off-camera about Ryan before saying she's "literally the best option for Matt" and she will "literally die" if she's sent home. So not only are the other women in the house suffering because she's here, but also language is really taking a literal beating.

Then it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Here's a reminder of the three women who already have roses:

That's new girl (and new fav) Michelle, COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!!!!!! and Pieper. And let's just get to the good part: The last rose comes down to UNC girl Lauren, Mari, former Miss Puerto Rico Catalina, Shitoria and Serena AND GUESS WHO GETS IT:

SERENA COMING THROUGH WITH THE BUZZER BEATER TO SEND HOME VICTORIA, LET'S GOOOOOOO. Okay and I acknowledge Serena has been slightly problematic in laughing along with the bullying, but her hoops are sorry and she's repenting by permanently banning the serial pool pooper, Victoria.

Victoria leaves just as rude as she arrived, insulting Matt on the way out, calling him a Jester and claiming she'll "never date a Matt again" and also that he wasn't good enough for her even though she said she'd "literally die" over him approx 5 min ago. Who cares though because SHE GONEEEE!!!!!

Such a gratifying feeling. Oh, and since Serena is the one who got the last rose.....

Other things Serena did this week

Along with getting that last rose, Serena also backwashed into a glass of champagne, got blurred out while saying "Matt isn't here for petty shit," wore the least functional outfit for the farming group date and lastly, wore a dark lip. Quite the week.

First one-on-one of the week: Rachaeiouel

Rebecca Black/Joey King/Mila Kunis lookalike and extra vowel connoisseur Rachael gets the first solo date of the week and it's one of the best dates of every season — the ol' shopping spree date.

They spend the afternoon (or well she does) trying on outfits with stylist Ty Hunter, WHO IS BEYONCE'S STYLIST. A FACT THAT THE SHOW DOES NOT MENTION AND ALSO HOW THE HELL DID THEY BOOK HIM. 

Matt's ends this part of the date of BEING STYLED BY BEYONCE'S STYLIST by gifting Rachael a pair of Louboutin heels:

Do you think the bottoms are red so people can't tell that they're full of blood because just looking at these makes my feet break out in blisters. 

Later, during the evening portion of the date, it's time for them to get to know each other better and by that I mean it's time for Rachael and Rachael only to share deep, personal stuff.

Matt asks her about how she's never been in love before and she admits she doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself and she's felt undeserving of love. She has a hard time opening up because she worries she'll share something that will push someone away. But, she's been opening up with him and she says she's ALREADY FALLING FOR HIM. And not to question love, BUT UM HOW??? THIS MAN HAS LITERALLY SHARED NOTHING ABOUT HIMSELF WITH YOU??? I've seen stronger bonds in egg shells.

Anyway, after spilling her feelings, Matt is basically like "Cool, ditto," confirming he's also falling for her????  And they kiss in front of what appears to be a high school set for Romeo & Juliet. She obviously gets a rose.

The consolation date (aka Group Date)

This week's group date is farm themed because, as Matt point out, he's a "country boy" from small town Raleigh, North Carolina. RALEIGH. AKA THE STATE CAPITAL. AKA THE SECOND BIGGEST CITY IN THE STATE. The only farming I can imagine him doing in Raleigh is picking out kale at Whole Foods.

They participate in a bunch of random activities including shoveling manure, tossing and catching eggs (??), milking goats and also running around with wheelbarrows. 

Just everyday farm tasks!

Later during the evening portion of the date, Abigail once again uses her time with him ever so efficiently, immediately jumping in to telling him she worries she'll "disappoint" him. And anyway, this is his and our reaction to her thinking she can be a disappointment when the only disappointing thing in this frame is Matt's sweater made of Barney's fur:

She knows he wants a wife and kids and she says if she has kids, there's a chance they'll also be deaf. And her dad walked out on her family after her and her sister got cochlear implants, so she worries that could happen again. Matt tells her he knows what it's like to not have a dad around, but that he admires her for what she's been through and she pushes him to be a better person.

Abigail ends up getting the group date rose and this is her reaction:


Hey guys, here to fill that drama void

What's been interesting to see this season is how the villain of the moment is clearly marked —  with the biggest eye bags in the house. 

MJ reveals she's been wearing Ariel's voice in a shell necklace around her neck after Matt chats with her on the group date and tells her he was told she was another antagonist creating negative vibes in the house. She asks the ladies about it and Jessenia admits she was the one who told Matt and this conversation ensues:

MJ: Someone told Matt I was an antagonist??? 
Jessenia: Yeah, I told him you came up with calling the new girls "JV" and  the oldies "varsity"
Jessenia: Anyway I was honest with Matt and I'm not sorry
Jessenia: It's clear you're deflecting here

MJ's reasoning is like a term paper written using a bunch of fragments copy/pasted from Wikipedia — makes no sense and lacking all rational evidence. But don't worry! This isn't the last of it! Thank God, I thought we were going to get a one episode break, but that would've been too much.

Checking in with Abigail's hoops

Smaller gold hoops this week! And as a bonus, she also gave us these fan-shaped tassel earrings:

I only highlight the most important topics.

Second solo date of the week: Kit

Kit takes a break from playing chess against the Russians to go on a one-on-one with Matt, centered on cooking a meal together. And as a reminder, SHE IS 21?!!!!!!

Anyway, she's excited for the date because cooking has a special place in her heart since that's how she bonds with her very rich mom, Cynthia Rowley. 

When I said they were going to "cook a meal" together, I meant they're just going to bake cookies because Matt says he "always" orders dessert first. HAHA, sorry but there's no way that's true because no one says that in real life. It's something only heard in made-for-TV movies trying to suggest that ordering dessert first demonstrates you're living life to the fullest (when living life to the fullest means being the fullest of steak).

They bake chocolate chip cookies and Kit reveals the secret ingredient is chocolate chips. We'll never know why some people refuse to watch this show, it's truly a revelation. While Kit is mixing the ingredients together, Matt helps by CHOPPING CHOCOLATE WITH A BUTTER KNIFE:

And because nothing ever makes sense on this show, they put the cookies in the oven AND NEVER RETURN TO THEM. Like that's it, those cookies have entered some cookie vortex, never to be seen again.

Instead, Matt and Kit head outside for reveal-your-feelings time. Kit so bravely shares that she grew up rich and basically spent every evening diving into a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck. This then segues into her telling Matt she's falling for him and again, HOW IS ANYONE FALLING FOR ANYONE? IS THERE ICE I CAN'T SEE OR SOMETHING??? 

In response, Matt is super deep and insightful and tells Kit "You're 100% Kit" before giving her a rose. Yeah, eat it Shakespeare. Speaking of eating, love how Matt sometimes goes in for kisses like he's biting an ice cream cone.

When you realize you're being dragged into some bullshit because you....told the truth

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Matt asks to meet with Jessenia and MJ to sort out their drama. As a reminder, this "drama" is because Jessenia told Matt that MJ came up with splitting the house into "JV" and "Varsity," which MJ did in fact do because we've seen it with our own eyes on television. 

Anyway, for this pre-Rose Ceremony 2-on-1, Jessenia opts for a super cute one-shouldered pantsuit while MJ chooses to use her time travel machine so she can wear the 1980s.

While they're waiting for Matt, MJ really proves her argument that she "preaches harmony" by yelling at Jessenia that she preaches harmony. It's like watching someone scream "I AM A QUIET PERSON" to prove they're quiet. Anyway, you let me know who looks more at ease because she's telling the truth: 

Between Victoria and MJ, this season has been a real visual lesson that when you're mean on the inside, it REALLY shows on the outside, especially under camera lights. So if you're gonna treat people like shit, be prepared to look like actual shit on television.

This whole episode wraps up with some good ol' gaslighting by MJ who now thinks she is just the victim (okay, Regina George) because Jessenia has hurt her feelings by.....telling the truth I guess? 

And that's it! If Matt doesn't immediately send MJ home next week, I will throw my TV out the window before running outside to pick up my TV, piece it back together and watch the rest of the episode/season/I'll watch this forever please help me. 

See you then! Til then find me creeping around your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

No comments:

Post a Comment