Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's commentary is brought to you by Anna and Magi, looking exactly what I look like while watching this show every week:

Both frazzled regret and extreme exhaustion.

We made it to Week 4! And we're still waiting 4 Matt to 4ray into sending at least 4 of the 40 women home. A lot of nothing happened this week, so let's get to it.

But the trash hasn't been taken out

This week begins with Victoria still on her same ol' bullshit following Sarah's departure, saying "the trash has been taken out." A weird assertion considering there's still a weird old eggs and mustard stench, meaning the trash in question, Victoria, is still here.

Victoria looks like she literally brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack (hi Ke$ha) and then gets ready for the day by wearing all of the WebMD symptoms for the flu. It's like she fell into a radioactive vat of something in week 2 and it's slowly turning her into some sort of Spider-Man villain.

Anyway so Victoria is still talking about Sarah, even though she's gone home, until our one voice of reason, Katie, tells Victoria that there's no need for her rudeness. This immediately sets off Shitoria's alarms and automatically makes Katie her new nemesis. She tells her she can do whatever she wants, which I guess includes being a bully but not practicing basic hygiene. And don't worry! Like an untreated bout of heartburn, this stupid Victoria drama returns and is just as "am I going to throw up" the second time around.

Later in the day (or week? What is time here?), Victoria demands an apology from Katie because she was just "expressing" herself and it was out of line for Katie to be "rude" to her. And like how I'm sure Victoria thinks the Earth is shaped, Katie flat out says she's not apologizing and that Victoria is toxic, insecure and attacks people. She then really hits it home by telling her when she's being a bitch, she's going to call her one. And tbh that sounds exhausting for Katie. It would probably be easier for her to record the word "bitch" and just play it over and over on tape in Victoria's room. 

Even though my girlfriend Sarah left, I guess I'll hang out with y'all

Sarah leaving makes Matt very sad because he for sure liked her more than approx 95% of the women here. But, instead of canceling the upcoming group date, he still shows up because that is his one job here (a job Clare was not good at). But not before sulking in some flannel first.

As a reminder of who already has roses — extra vowel Rachael got last week's group date rose and Serena P. got a rose on her one-on-one. So this is the last chance for one of these 48 women to get assurance before the actual ceremony. Most of the date includes the women making sure Matt is "okay" because you know, his favorite girlfriend did just leave, so it's only polite for his less favorite girlfriends to check on him. 

Other than that, I remember exactly two parts about this date: 

1) How unhinged it is:

Literally, that weird dollhouse door, why is it unhinged. 

2) Chelsea.

She shares a photo with Matt of her when she had long hair and talks about how hair is so emotional for Black women and how shaving her head was a freeing experience.

She really opens up and shares some insightful thoughts, which opens the door for Matt to also share something deep. Anyway, he promptly slams that door, instead opting to say "Your dress on night one was BAM BAM BAM." Sigh. Chelsea ends up getting the group date rose.

I feel bad about this one, but

I CAN'T UNSEE IT. And now you won't be able to either. Honestly this isn't an insult.

A Rose Ceremony where more people arrive than leave

So it's the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and everyone is taking a number to talk with Matt. At some point he is forced to endure a conversation with Victoria and has to pretend he's willingly doing it while also avoiding staring at her Oregon Trail rash/pink eye situation:

Thankfully, Chris Harrison interrupts them and asks Matt to join him in the front of Chateau Finding Nemo because surprise! FIVE NEW WOMEN ARE ARRIVING.

One of them is Brittany, a model from Chicago, who tells him she's going to make out, I mean make up, for lost time:

This, along with the entire concept of new women arriving, infuriates the oldies in the house because after all, they've all put in work over the past 2.5 days of knowing Matt and have formed very deep and meaningful connections with him. How dare he meet anyone new when they've known him for decades of minutes. As a note, from this point forward, they refer to themselves as "The OGs," which we will not be doing here. Oldies is what we will be doing.

One of the other new women is Catalina, a former Miss Puerto Rico (we were really slacking on the pageant queens this season). After she greets all of the women wearing her crown and sash, Shitoria says she is "the queen" and "deserves that crown" BEFORE SNATCHING IT FROM CATALINA'S HEAD:

How Catalina did not smack the dark bags from Victoria's eyes is beyond me. This is incredibly rude for obvious reasons but also because it's incredibly dangerous for Victoria to expose this new girl to her armpits like that. Poison.

As the new girls are settling in, Anna has a realization and it's not that she looks just like Claire from "Modern Family":

Anna is also from Chicago and recognizes Brittany because as we all know, Chicago is such a small little town that everyone just knows everyone. This plot point will return soon because Anna realizes this is the only way she's getting camera time.

Oh yeah, remember there's a Rose Ceremony. Of the five new arrivals, four get roses and only new girl Kim is sent home along with naked girl Kaili and OUR DURHAM GIRL KHAYLAH. Cries in Carolina.

Checking in with Abigail's hoops

This week we're getting a pop of color! Can we just make her the next Bachelorette already.

Time to humiliate the women some more

Ahead of our next batch of dates, Matt decides he needs some advice. And what better person to get that advice from than a man who has failed at finding love on this show like three times — Ben Higgins. 

Their conversation primarily consists of them quoting inspirational posters to one another, but it's just the encouragement Matt needs before another group date meant to embarrass the women.

This group date includes a Fall-themed "obstacle course," which as we've learned is code for making the women embarrass themselves while doing some sort of physical activity. They first have to row across this random pond in giant pumpkins (you read that correctly) before changing into squirrel costumes to find their assigned "nut":

In the end, Mari wins, which in the Bachelor universe translates to nothing — no extra time with Matt, no extra snacks, literally nothing.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Claire from Modern Family is talking with Matt telling him how much she enjoyed the day because she grew up in Minnesota along the water and Matt's like, that's great and all but do you like how my jacket is made from the same material as these pillows:

Anna's Minnesota chat is interrupted by Brittany, who remember, Anna "recognizes" from itty bitty town Chicago. At first, she won't give up her time with Matt before finally giving in because Brittany is hovering over them (lolllll).

Annoyed Anna then heads outside to offer her drama as a sacrifice to the stupid and ignorant altar of Victoria who is so glad to receive it because it's getting close to the end of the episode and the fix from that early drama with Katie is really wearing off.

This is Anna, illuminated by the Satan fire of Victoria, as she tells her that she was warned to "watch out" for Brittany because she "knows all of the rich men in Chicago" and "entertains them for money." First off, how could Anna be warned about Brittany if she didn't know she would be joining the show? Secondly, "knowing" all of the rich men in Chicago isn't a crime and also is there an app or something to easily find these men, asking for a friend. And thirdly, her use of "entertains," immediately makes me picture Brittany like juggling while riding a unicycle, which tbh is pretty impressive and we should applaud her for.

While Anna is outside letting Victoria drag her to the depths of gossip, Matt's continuing his conversations with the ladies, with his last convo being with our girl, comms manager Bri. It goes a little like this:

Bri: I felt so silly in that squirrel suit
Matt: The squirrel suit!
Bri: I'm really felling us though
Matt: You're feeling it!

It's like Matt is wearing a wire while trying to catch Bri admitting to a crime and he's unsure if his wire is picking up everything Bri is saying, so he's repeating it just in case.

At the end of the night, Matt calls out our two smalltown Chicago girls, Brittany and Anna, for such great conversations, but says he can only give the rose to one woman and it's.....

OBVIOUSLY BRI, HAHAHA. I do love to see it. Also my guess is Bri will be in his top 6, if we ever get to fewer than 25 women.

When someone "genuinely" asks if you're an escort

After Bri gets the group date rose and Matt leaves, Anna feels compelled to confront Brittany with the rumors she's heard about her. This conversation ensues:

Anna: People warned me about you and said you were an escort and stuff
Brittany: Wait, did you tell people that
Anna: No I didn't. Well, only everyone here on the show and all of the crew, also this morning I went for a hike and screamed it from the mountain tops and I did get it tattooed on my back, but other than that, no
Brittany: .....
Anna: Anyway, it's a terrible thing to say, so I apologize but also like is it true
Brittany: I can't believe I'm having to say "I'm not an escort"

Congrats to Anna for joining Victoria's mean girl club! There's stale cookies for you in the back and a carpet made of Legos. 

One-on-one with Michelle

With all of this tension in the house, it only gets more tense after new girl Michelle, a teacher from Minnesota, gets this week's solo date. This greatly upsets all of the oldies who have been waiting in this DMV waiting room for their number to be called for weeks. And I get it because I have questions too, rather, I have one question:

Is that a chunk of parmesan cheese behind her. Can someone let me know, thanks.

For their date, Matt says they'll be doing an "extreme scavenger hunt," beginning with zip lining and then, brace yourselves for MAXIMUM EXTREMENESS:

POPPING BALLOONS WITH UNNECESSARILY LARGE SAFETY PINS. The balloons have questions inside of them to ask each other including how many kids they want to have (they both want 3).

To round out this extreme day, they then go for a hot air balloon ride and by "ride" I mean the balloon literally has ropes keeping it in one place. EXTREME TO THE MAX:

They kiss for the first time and like the girls who are watching with binoculars from the house say, "Can you imagine having your first kiss in a hot air balloon?" It's cute.

Later at dinner, Matt asks Michelle about why she became a teacher. She tells him she's always wanted to help people and as a teacher, she knows she's making a difference. She also talks about the past year and how close to home the George Floyd protests were and how she worked really hard to be there for her students of color. In return, Matt shares basically nothing about himself, but does give Michelle a rose.

Want to note that she is one of my new favorites and I hope she sticks around (and I think she will) for a while.

Things Serena did this week

She wore a tube top dress with hoops then pretended to be wearing a superhero mask then didn't talk to Matt at all before getting a rose. REMAINS UNBEATEN.

This seems like a bad idea

The next group date of the week doesn't feature any new girls, so the oldies start referring to themselves as "the varsity squad." Which I mean, I guess you can't fault them for using that term since half of them did just graduate high school like two years ago. 

Anyway, they learn they'll be BOXING EACH OTHER. So I'm sure nothing can go wrong, seems totally safe and fine. First though, they need to practice with World Boxing Champion Mia St. John (in the pink) and also on some punching bags that have been randomly placed in this forest. Wtf. What poor production assistant had to drag these from a perfectly good gym.

After approx 15 minutes of learning how to wear gloves, the ladies are totally ready to get into the ring! They're paired up and throw in to just go at it, which made me think of two things: 1) Omg someone is def gonna get hurt and 2) Omg if I was on this show, my broad Michael Phelps shoulders and tree trunk legs would def hurt someone.

Luckily, no one gets seriously injured and they all meet up later for the evening portion of the date. Nothing particularly interesting happens except for SERENA'S FULL ASS GLASS OF WINE:

This is what a standard pour should look like.

Oh also, I know I bring up big hands a lot and anyway I haven't changed, HERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW BIG MATT'S HANDS ARE:

THEY'RE PRACTICALLY THE SIZE OF RACHAEL'S ARM. Oh btw, that's Rachael in case you don't recognize her by the back of her head and arm. 

At some point before the group date is over, Matt is outside talking with the producers while the women are inside still talking shit about the new girls (remember it's only oldies on this date). Katie, who is the only mature one here, finally reaches her breaking point with their bullying, so she heads outside to talk to Matt about it.

She tells him how terrible this environment has been for the new girls and how it's just not right to subject them to this level of bullying. Matt thanks her for letting him know and promises to "get to the bottom of it," which I mean, toxic sludge Victoria is still here so I think we are at the literal bottom. We're there. And based on what happens every time anyone on this show ever says they're going to "get to the bottom of it," I can guarantee you he won't be doing shit. SHOCKING.

And that's it! We'll have to wait until next week to see who gets the group date rose, how will we ever survive not knowing for that long, wow.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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