Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

I know it feels like we just wrapped up a Bach season, but that's only because we did. And what better way to kick off a new year and punish our brain cells that have not fully recovered from last season than with a new season of The Bachelor!


Matt James is our latest Bachelor (more on him shortly) and the summary is he's is tall and REALLY good looking and more importantly, from North Carolina. But even without all of that, he's already ranking higher than all of our most recent Bachelors — Peter, Colton and Arie — who are a real "who's who" of used tissue looking men only capable of wasting our time.

After spending 11 weeks sweating at a La Quinta, this season takes place in the picturesque woods of a Hallmark movie:

The resort is actually called the Chateau at Nemo (I'm sure it's Nemo, don't look it up) located in Mystic Falls, which isn't Mystic Falls where The Vampire Diaries takes place. Where are the hot vampires.

Vampire, but not hot, Chris Harrison notes off the bat that they received "a record number of submissions" for Matt's season, which isn't exactly surprising?? What else did every woman in America have to do between Tiger King and The Queen's Gambit (can you believe both of those things were in 2020) besides apply to be on this God-forsaken show.

Anyway, let's dive in so we can find out which 21-year-old marketing manager Matt is gonna end up with!

First, a Matt cute (like a meet cute, thanks The Holiday)

I think there's been another Bachelor who wasn't on a prior season before, but that happened before I started watching this trainwreck so it doesn't count, meaning Matt is our first fresh Bach. Unspoiled by the garbage and Instagram sponsorships of this franchise.

For background, he grew up in Raleigh (his IG handle has "919" in it) and played college football at some place called Wake Forest (lollll never heard of it). He moved to New York after college and works as a commercial real estate agent and also volunteers with inner-city kids. But what the show really wants us to know, based on the number of intensely zoomed in clips, is that he works out:

He says he's never been in love (what) and over the past couple of years has really worked on opening up more, a process we learn throughout the course of the first evening that he refers to as "unpacking." We hear him say this word more times than any of us literally unpacked anything in 2020.

Matt kicks off the first evening by praying with the girls, which is smart because I'm gonna need y'all to pray that we make it through another season.

How tall a guy says he is online vs. How tall he actually is

From this point forward, I bet we'll only get shots of Chris Harrison and Matt next to each other while sitting.

Early favorites

Abigail is the first deaf woman to appear on the show, something she shares with Matt right after introducing herself (along with the fact she has a cochlear implant): 

She's gorg and I *think* she's half Korean and also looks like Olivia Munn?? She has one of the evening's longer conversations with Matt and it's all super genuine and yes she is my #1 (for now). Matt is immediately interested in her and she gets the season's first makeout session shortly followed by the First Impression Rose.

Khaylah is from Durham and our only North Carolina girl, which seems weird in any setting, but especially this season of the show featuring a Bachelor from NC. She shows up in a truck because everyone from North Carolina is a stereotype from a Nicholas Sparks novel (I personally am Rachel McAdams and it's tiring to have Ryan Gosling and James Marsden fight over me).

During their time together they drink sweet tea in the truck bed, which is something I've sadly never done? This must be what's holding me back from developing a southern accent. Anyway I love it.

Magi is a pharmacist who moved from Ethiopia 9 years ago to pursue her doctorate. Oh and she also models and runs a nonprofit that supplies shoes to young girls in her small town back in Ethiopia. So while there are several women here who are too good for this tragic show, she is BY FAR the most goodest (yes it's a word, do not look it up). I hope she decides to leave on her own.

Bri is a communications manager (not to be confused with a marketing manager, okay) here to represent all of us comms managers who are so often rolled into being considered marketing managers. She's half Persian and opens up to Matt about her family and being raised by her mother and grandmother. And while Abigail gets the First Impression Rose, Bri gets the first rose during the ceremony.

Honorable mentions

This whole section is mostly the rest of the ladies who I actually remember, which is quite the honor.

Rachael was memorable because she looks like a mix of Camilla Mendes, Ana de Armas, Mila Kunis and Rachel Weisz. She also spells her name with an extra vowel and in this house, we support extra.

Tori Kelly lookalike MJ first meets Matt by delivering both a pizza and also the line "This is cheesy, but the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." There is absolutely nothing I love more than a cheesy pun, so even though I may forget her next week, for now, she's one of the Gouda ones.

Continuing our trend of puns, Saneh looks seemingly normal to begin with. She introduces herself to Matt by saying "I think you're the greatest and I hope you'll remember me as....the GOAT" before revealing absolutely horrifying goat feet slippers. You gotta applaud the dedication to the pun. Sadly, goat feet are not enough and she's sent home after the first Rose Ceremony.

Aside from Saneh, all of the women mentioned above get a rose during the first ceremony.

Early villain contenders

Because it's important for us to assess who the producers will inevitably keep around to cause drama. 

Kaili shows up in lingerie (pronounced lawn-jer-aye, some people need a pronunciation reminder, not me though) and asks Matt to choose which dress she should wear. She then has little to no impact throughout most of the first evening besides being known as naked girl, which irks some of the girls but tbh if I had her abs I'd also want to be known as naked girl.

For Katie's intro, she says she brought something "really special" from home that helped her get through the past year and anyway it's a vibrator. This vibrator is apparently the focal point of her personality as we get to witness her swinging around a black censor bar all night, even using it at one point to tap Mari on the shoulder to steal Matt away.

I also need to point out that she looks SO MUCH like Vanessa Bayer, so for all we know she's just an elaborate SNL prank.

Kit, who I'm guessing only decided to come on this show because she was not cast for a role on the Gossip Girl reboot, is dropped off by her dad in a Bentley. Her occupation is "fashion entrepreneur" which, in this case, I think means she likes to shop. 

She looks like she only apologizes by saying "Well I'm sorry that you thought...." making her one of the strongest contenders for top villain. Only to be outdone by......

Victoria introduces herself to Matt by saying "I'm Victoria, like the queen" and the show lists her occupation as queen. Yeah so not to be rude, but when I think "queen" I first think of Elizabeth? Anyway, this girl who surprisingly is not from Staten Island, proceeds to get super drunk and during her time with Matt, he says this first night is "like drinking from a fire hose." Victoria simply cannot comprehend this complex metaphor and asks Matt if it's "a southern thing." He then explains it to her and like me in AP Calculus, she nods but does not understand any of it, instead telling him "Well I'm the best fire hose and I'll make you the best drink." 

So on one hand, we have a pharmacist/model/philanthropist and on the other, we have a woman who doesn't understand how fire hoses work. Such range.

As is expected, all of these potential villains get roses.

Love to see it

Remember during Peter's season, how our girl Jasmine made it more than halfway through the season without talking to him? She just showed up for every Rose Ceremony with great brows, lashes and hair and we were here for it. Right, so this season's Jasmine is Serena. She's a flight attendant and after their first intro, Serena doesn't talk to Matt all night. She drinks her drinky poos, ensures her lashes are in place and best of all, open mouth laugh at her own jokes. 

This laugh is after Katie interrupts Mari by tapping her on the shoulder with her vibrator, leading Serena to say "Talk about a buzzzzkill." Being the biggest fan of your own punny joke is something I feel on a deep level.

Her top moment of the evening is when she gets a rose.

It's like you can her her saying "Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit, damn y'all, but good game, good game, good game." 

I predict she'll be around for at least two more weeks and I can guarantee you I will highlight the few seconds of screentime she gets both weeks.

"An incredible sneak peek at this season of The Bachelor"

The first episode of every new season always ends with a long preview of what's to come and while we aren't told it's the "most dramatic season yet," we are told it's "incredible," which I mean:

Wow, what a sneak peek, I'm in. I feel like the producers are making up for the shirtless time that we did not receive nor want from Peter's season.

And that's it! These initial episodes are tiring but at least we can look forward to future episodes that are just as tiring and stupid.

See you next week! Til then, you can always find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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