Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 2)

This week's commentary is brought to you by Jessenia, providing us with our first Office-style, staring directly into the camera moment of the season:

Also wow, she just doesn't have pores huh. 

It's Week 2! Meaning there are still 2 many women here 2 remember. So let's get 2 it!

Do men actually do this

This is actually a two-part question prompted by the outdoor shower scene we're given within the first 15 seconds of the episode because the show needs to remind us that Matt is hot. We get to see him shower, but he doesn't use any soap, and then he gets out and simply wraps a towel around his waist without wiping away any of the dripping water from his upper body??? I don't know why I'm posing this as "do men do this" because I already know some don't use soap AND MANY exit the shower like it's a competition to get as much water as possible from inside the shower to outside the shower. Do I sound like a mom, am I a mother.

Anyway, this long shower scene is a great complement to how messy this week is about to be. 

First one-on-one: Bri

COMMS MANAGER BRI WITH THE FIRST ONE ON ONE, LET'S GOOOOOO!!!! Doing it for all comms managers around the world, such a big step for us.

For their date, Matt and Bri first hop on some ATVs to ride through the woods. And by "ride through the woods," I mean Matt rides ahead of Bri and cuts back and forth nonstop, shooting mud onto Bri the entire time. And if that doesn't sound romantic enough, they then ride on one together that Matt flips, sending them crashing into the mud. 


Gonna be honest with you, this date blows so far because I have never experienced mud that did not smell a little poo'ish.

After their muddy adventures, they end up.....you guessed it.....at a hot tub. The first, but surely not the last, of this episode let alone this season. But before they can get in, we get this strangely forced, oddly long scene featuring bow-chicka-wow-wow music while Matt shirtlessly chops wood like he's playing the role of "hot lumberjack" in a low budget porno.

He chops two of the tiniest pieces of wood that then aren't even used to help heat the tub. I'm not complaining, but tbh I wouldn't have minded if instead of shirtlessly chopping wood, he shirtlessly explained all of the coot on this coot board (as a reminder, "coot" is charcuterie, is that not clear).

I need to know why there appears to be A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER??

After they get in the rustic hot tub, Bri opens up about her family and talks about how she was raised by a single mother who got pregnant with her when she was 13. And now her mom is engaged and pregnant again and she feels so disconnected from her, like her mom has a whole new family and she's all alone. 

Matt knows where she's coming from because his dad wasn't really in his life either and they both talk about how they always gravitated toward friends with big families because that's what they always wanted in life. He thanks Bri for opening up and says he hasn't (his word of the season).....unpacked....a lot of this before and they proceed to fulfill the hot tub make-out requirement.

Later at dinner, they talk more about their families in front of a fireplace that has candles placed in front of it, which seems redundant because isn't a fireplace just one giant candle. Matt of course gives Bri a rose leading all comms managers around the world to rejoice.

Oh also, the hot tub is still a part of a buy-one-get-one deal with fireworks, so we get fireworks to close out the date (and more making out).

Ah, so we have our villain 

This week, Victoria cements her dumbass place in the dumbass hall of fame and is crowned the official villain of the season. While Bri is away on her date and all of the girls are like "yay Bri!" Shitoria is like, "I didn't talk to Bri and since this show revolves around me it makes no sense that she gets to go on this date." She then says she's "not jealous" while being the most jealous jellyfish in this sea of jelly. This girl is, hands down, one of the most horrendous people ever. 

We get plenty of audio clips of Shitoria saying "we're not here to be in a sorority" and she's the only "authentic" and "genuine" woman here. Which, to fact check, the only actual difference between this show and a sorority is sororities make you pay a fee to hang out, while this show is free (just costs your dignity, small price). And she is "authentic" in the same way Pizza Hut is authentic Italian cuisine. 

When the caucasity levels are entirely too high

As a part of her stupidity spiral, Shitoria sets her sights on bringing down her roommate, Marylynn (pictured on the left above). At one point, when Victoria is spewing non-sensical dumbass thoughts like an out of control fire hose, Marylynn tries to diffuse the situation by saying, "I think we need to get to know each other better, so I can better understand you." And this upsets the Queen of Garbage Town beyond any level and she decides Marylynn is crazy and she simply cannot room with her anymore. 

But don't worry, that's not the end of it. This drama created and existing only in Victoria's head will really come to fruition during the cocktail party when she attempts to gaslight everyone, including Matt, into believing Marylynn has wronged her. More on that later, but to summarize: Victoria is like a disgusting smell in your fridge that you can't tell where it's coming from — you just know it's gross and every time you're faced with it, you want to projectile vomit.

A group date featuring every woman in America

For our one group date of the week, 18 lucky ladies get to fight over 30 seconds of time with Matt. Yay! And to make this date even more embarrassing, the women are first forced to change into wedding dresses to WAIT IN LINE to take wedding photos with Matt like he's the Santa Groom.

Shitoria eventually cuts in line to take her photo with Matt and also makes him remove a garter and if any of the other women did this, it'd be like okay girl go on, but since she's doing it, it's tackier than a bulletin board.

After only about half of the women have taken their photo with Santa, Chris Harrison shows up to introduce the next segment of the date, which plays on the idea that "Matt needs a woman who will fight for him." This entails having these women, still in wedding dresses, play a game of what is essentially capture the flag combined with paintball. Split into two teams, they have to capture the other team's stuffed heart while avoiding being tagged with paint-covered purses, wedding cake (wtf) and other props.

This screenshot doesn't fully capture how chaotic and wild this date is. One team eventually "wins" and gets to stay for the evening portion of the date. I use air bunnies because do any of us really "win" with this show.

Later that night, Matt ends up giving the group date rose to Lauren (this show is contractually obligated to feature AT LEAST one Lauren per season) after they form a connection about how important religion is to both of them.

What's important to note here is THIS MAN KISSES WITH HIS EYES OPEN???? This weirds me out for some reason. It's like someone who sleeps with one eye open.


Judging by how many times they are shown sitting next to each other (a scientific method for proving friendship), two of my favorites in the house, Abigail and Magi, are best friends. When you think about it, it makes sense for two of the most overqualified women in the house to gravitate toward each other and debate if they should stick around.

This is great because we haven't had a solid best buds duo since Tia and Caroline in Arie's season (barf). And the emergence of Magi'gail can only mean one thing — whatever products these two women promote on Instagram after the show, I will UNDOUBTEDLY buy.

Second one-on-one date: Sarah

Alexis Rose travels all the way from Schitt's Creek to go on this week's second solo date.

Jk this is allegedly "Sarah." For the first part of their date, they fly in what appears to be the world's first airplane, which makes Sarah nervous, but in the end is worth it because she gets to look like this on national television:

After a flight that causes her hair to fully look like Lego woman hair, they head into the woods to sit on a rare, wild grown, blanket covered bench for some deep conversation.

Sarah says family is everything and she's close with her mom and even closer with her dad. She says it's hard being away from them and Matt agrees, but says he knows this is worth it to find his future wife, who he refers to as his "emergency contact." He then literally describes what an emergency contact is and I think he thinks it's romantic, but it is just what an emergency contact is? He's really aiming these definitions at the wrong lady when Victoria is the one who needs the dictionary lesson.

Because Sarah doesn't unlock some of her deepest, most personal and emotional memories during the first 15 min of her first date with a man she is literally seeing for the second time ever, Matt worries she isn't "opening up" enough.

Later at dinner, to get things going, Matt breaks the world record for using "super" in a sentence, saying, "So you're super close with your parents, it's gotta be super hard to be super far away from them, right. Super Super Super Super." 

Sarah then admits she's a very private person and it takes her a while to open up before eventually sharing that her dad has ALS and she quit her job working as a TV anchor to move back home and be a caretaker for him. She talks about how he's surpassed doctors' expectations and how grateful she is to be able to take care of him and do the little stuff like brush his hair.

Matt thanks her for opening up and tells her he'll be praying for her family and she of course gets a rose. As will be the closing line for many dates (I assume), they end the night by making out in a hot tub.

Wait, when did this become an episode of The Queen's Gambit

When will Kit be teaching us how to play chess, that's the bigger question here.

Things Serena did this week

First she gave us this casual crop top + blazer look; then she wore a black crop top while carrying an umbrella on the way to the group date; then she stared directly into the camera to ensure it captured her lashes; and lastly, she wore ONE OF THE BEST ROSE CEREMONY OUTFITS EVER with this Ariana Grande inspired suit jacket + knee high boots combo. In between all of that, she talked to Matt zero times, which means YA GIRL OBVIOUSLY GOT A ROSE.

I continue to love to see it.  

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony

Even though the women have been adamant about Victoria not bringing her bullshit in here, Victoria crawls into this week's cocktail party carrying a heavy ass bag of bullshit. But before we get to that, let's talk about Abigail's hoops:

I JUST LOVE HOOOPS, OKAY? And these textured gold and silver ones are some good ones. I know this is only the second week, but Abigail always seems to make the most of her time with Matt, skipping over the mundane "how are you doing" chit chat and making an actual point. She's one of the first to chat with Matt during the cocktail party and she tells him she's going to start using a sign — touching her ear — that shows she's thinking of him and symbolically blowing him a kiss. He says he'll signal back too and anyway yes I need to see this in action because I do in fact think it's adorable.

That disgusting smell, back again

While I know I said Victoria has no redeeming qualities, we also can't forget she has a terrible fashion sense as is proven in this monstrosity she wears to the cocktail party.

This is probably one of the fugliest things I've ever seen. I can't decide if the print, design, fit or person wearing it is worse. Also correction to her not having a redeeming quality — her presence on this show provides something for both the women in the house and all of us watching to unite on — really, really, really disliking her. So, thanks girl.

While Victoria is walking around in the world's ugliest dress, Marylynn is taking advantage of her time with Matt. She tells him she wasn't sure if he remembered a lot about her, leading him to then surprise her with orchids because he remembers her saying they were her favorite flower:

We all know this whole thing was set up by the producers, right. But it's nice, nonetheless.

When Marylynn returns to the group and shares this nice thing Matt did for her, it sends Victoria off the rails that she was already so far off of. She decides she needs to talk to Matt about how "toxic" Marylynn is and proceeds to do so in a very calm, cool and collected manner:

I'm not exaggerating when I say she grows more physically crazed looking by the minute. It's like seeing an expedited time lapse of a fruit ripening and then getting moldy.

Anyway, she tells Matt that Marylynn "cries to manipulate situations" and has bad energy and isn't here for the right reasons and it's such a random list of things, I'm surprised she doesn't end it with "And worst of all, one time she interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMAs!" The fact that she's stirring up drama and lying is terrible, yes, but what's worse is her Alison Roman'ing and coming for one of the few Asian girls in the house WHILE LOOKING LIKE GREASY TRASH. Like damn, if you're gonna be a pot stirrer, at least don't look like a dirty pot yourself.

After these completely insane ramblings, Matt is like "omg, who do I believe" and asks to speak with Marylynn again, who tells him none of that is true. Marylynn then tries to sit down with Victoria to talk it out, but Victoria refuses to sit near her let alone talk to her, honestly I think because this human skinsuit is just getting too uncomfortable for Ursula.


So this is where we are heading into the Rose Ceremony — Matt trying to decide who is telling the truth: a woman well liked by the entire house who has given him zero reason to doubt her or a woman who WILL BE asking to speak to the manager if she's sent home.

And we don't know where we end up, because this week's episode ends in the middle of the Rose Ceremony after Sarah passes out during it.

So we'll have to wait until next week to see if Matt unclogs the toilet and send Shitoria on her way. Jk, I know she will definitely get a rose because the producers are going to force her on us for at least another two weeks.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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