This week's commentary is brought to you by the only good thing happening this season, the growing best friendship between Abigail and Magi:
I can't decide if they should go on Bachelor on Paradise because on one hand, we would get to see more of them, but on the other, they would have to endure so many ding dongs on that sweaty beach. Luckily, we have plenty of time to mull it over (because this blog gets to make the final decision).
Anywho, this week picks up where the Rose Ceremony left off with Sarah passing out. Matt cares for her before bringing her back to the group and bottomline is Cruella de Victoria gets the last rose and Marylynn is sent home because the producers hate us.
Let's get to the dates! Like people dates, not the dried fruit, but the fruit would actually be much better for us.
A group date where everyone gets to write fanfic
For the first group date, half of the house is first greeted by former Crying Girl, Ashley I, reading a "sexy" excerpt from a romantic novel CHRIS HARRISON WROTE??? Because when I think erotica, my first thought is sex god Chris Harrison, for sure. Sorry to Ashley for this being the screenshot I captured:
Anyway, the ladies learn they'll have to write a love scene featuring them and Matt and then read their fanfic in front of an audience featuring the other half of the house.
Matt reads his first and it starts with "The smell of chocolate cake," which got my heart racing so much that I do not remember anything else he said.
The girls then take turns repeatedly saying words like "chiseled" and "grabbed" onstage and it's all relatively PG-13 — until we get to Katie and Victoria. They battle it out to see who can be bleeped out the most while having a blurred out mouth the longest and anyway here's some of the best reactions to their readings:
Love how the top row of ladies (& Chris) look like you do when you're waiting for the hibachi chef to throw a shrimp in your mouth and the bottom row is how you look after you've caught it or it's hit you in the face.
And I'm not the mayor of sexy town (anymore, it was tiring), but I can't imagine this person saying anything that could be even remotely considered "sexy" or "hot":
I'm not even making jokes here, only stating facts when I say there is for sure something wrong with Victoria? Like does she have the flu? She looks like she hasn't slept in 14 years and most times she's on camera, she's scratching at her skin like she'll soon start dissolving if she doesn't hit a certain quota of bullying per day.
Actually, nevermind it's clear she has been bitten by a zombie and is now trying to hide the fact that she's turning into one from the other girls.
Did someone order some drama
Later during the evening portion of the group date, Rachael with the extra vowel is one of the first to chat with Matt and you are correct in assuming I do not remember the content of this conversation because all I can recall is Matt ending their time together with a nice ol' OPEN EYED KISS:
Oh also update on who Rachael looks like (thanks to Lea) — does she actually look like Joey King and/or Rebecca Black? I know this is quite the career shift from Rachel Weisz/Mila Kunis/Ana de Armas, but it's important for us to come to a resolution.
Okay, y'all let me know, thanks.
More ladies file through to talk with Matt and get their open eyed kiss until Katie's turn, when Sarah (who is not on this group date) interrupts and steals Matt away to talk because she needs to show him how long she's been eating this piece of sour candy.
For background, throughout the day, we've gotten several reenactments from emo music videos of Sarah staring at the fireplace and out the window and just generally crying because it destroys her to think of Matt going on dates with the other girls (aka the premise of this show). We also learn she's had issues with faithfulness and commitment in prior relationships so sure, it seems very healthy and good for her well-being to come on a show that is based around a man literally putting faithfulness in the shredder and dating 32 women at once.
Anyway, Sarah tells Matt it's been hard for her to be apart from him, especially after they had such a great day together. He reassures her that he cares for her and blah blah, while this is happening, Katie tells the rest of the girls that Sarah has randomly shown up. They all encourage her to interrupt Sarah because this isn't her date and Katie complies because mob mentality.
When Katie interrupts them, Sarah asks for 5 minutes and Katie agrees to 2 before standing over them to watch (this was lollllll). Matt finally tells Sarah not to compare their relationship to any of his relationships with the other 5 million women here (what a relief) and Sarah leaves him.
She then heads into the other room to apologize to the women actually on this group date. Feeling very bad for herself, this conversation happens:
Sarah: Yeah sorry, but I didn't know when I'd get a chance to see Matt
Serena C: But um, it's only the first day of the week and Chris Harrison said we'd all be on dates this week
Sarah: Well look, I just wanted to tell you all why I'm here
Everyone: Okay, so tell us why
Sarah: I'm not going to tell you why I'm here, but that's what I wanted to tell you
Oh okay cool, very clear.
Sarah then walks outside and Shitoria follows because she can't possibly let drama pass without being involved since drama is what keeps her eyes so puffy and dark. She reiterates how shitty it was of Sarah to pull this because Victoria is supposed to be the shittiest person here. Katie then arrives to be like "hey that was shitty" and I think we have established this was not Sarah's best decision.
Ultimately, Rachaeioul gets the group date rose.
Also, since I haven't pointed this out before — Matt has HUGE hands. I mean big ol' handsies.
One-on-one date with Serena P. (and Sarah)
Like the Fast & Furious movies, this Sarah drama is gonna keep going. Before Matt picks up Serena P. for their solo date, he asks where Sarah is since she isn't sitting with the group. They direct him to her room, where she's basically stayed since joining a date she wasn't invited on.
He finds her and first LAYS ON HER BED WITH HIS SHOES ON BECAUSE THIS SHOW LIVES TO INFURIATE ME:
They sit down to talk more and she says she's now put a target on her back for joining the group date and he reiterates she's still on his mind and he was happy to see her that night and that it validated their time together. He says it would be a "tragedy" if she left, which wow no one on this show understands what words mean, do they.
After reassuring his girlfriend Sarah, Matt sets out on a date with his girlfriend Serena P., which first includes riding horses because these dates can only include horses, hot tubs and happy fireworks (I was trying to keep the 'h' thing going, thanks). As a reminder, this is Serena P (because you forgot, didn't you):
After horses, I was happy to see the coot board finally get the recognition it deserves — Matt asks Serena to "teach him" how to "make" a charcuterie board. And like, if taking meat and cheese out of plastic and putting it on a board is "making" something, then I am Gordon Ramsay. Anyway, she gives him a lesson that includes the steps "place meat on board" and then "place cheese on board":
While I'm making fun of this, I greatly enjoyed it. They then ignore said coot and get to talking about what they want in relationships until some "roaming" donkeys (sure, Jan) interrupt them. And like the ol' saying goes, if you get interrupted by a donkey while sitting with a plate of uneaten coot, you HAVE to makeout and they do:
The donkey's arrival also prompts Serena to ask Matt if he had any pets growing up. When he says yes and that he had a turtle, she laughs and asks "So, you were a weird kid" and when I say I screeched. Because WE ALL knew (or were) that weird kid with a turtle.
Later during the evening portion of the date, they clink together some weirdly large and square wine glasses before diving into talking about past relationships.
A summary of their conversation:
Serena: So I'm not a casual dater and I haven't had many boyfriends, just one serious relationship that ended a year ago
Matt: Omg I know about serious relationships, one time I dated a girl for FOUR months, yeah wild right wow
Serena: I was in love with him and thought we would be together forever
Matt: Omg I know right, yeah I haven't been in love, but I did break up with my super serious four-month girlfriend because she had the audacity to want to be called my girlfriend
Matt then tells Serena that the feelings he's already feeling for her are proof that this show is working and Serena tells him she's "falling in like" with him. He gives her a rose and they kiss over a juicy looking steak. If I were Serena, I would've pretended like I was going in for a kiss before dodging and taking a big ol' bite of steak instead, hahahaha, why won't this show cast me.
They end the evening in the same hot tub that was dragged out to the woods for Bri's date because this show paid a lot for the hot tub and it needs to be used.
Checking in on Abigail's hoops
This week, we're getting thin silver hoops!
The final act of this Sarah drama
So Sarah has kept herself locked away since all the drama started, but she finally emerges when the next date card arrives (for a group date that she is actually invited to) to apologize to everyone....again.
Long story short, she talks about how hard this has been for her, but that she's a good person and only meant to take a few minutes of Matt's time the other night because she was thinking about going home. Realizing this is her chance to be an asshole again, Victoria leads the mob into bullying Sarah about what she did.
While this show is surely contributing to the demise of human civilization, you gotta hand it to them for also trying to help the planet by being avid recyclers — in that we just get to see the same arguments used over and over and over again. So sustainable! In this case, the women are mad Sarah interrupted the date, maybe costing some of them roses, and Sarah is sorry, but feels she had to do what she had to do. And I'm mad that we are having to relive these same points over and over because all of this is hazardous waste and should not be recycled.
After isolating herself from the house more, Sarah eventually decides she should probably leave, partially because of tension in the house, but mostly because she misses her family and her dad (who is dying from ALS). Before she leaves, Katie comes and talks with her, telling her she didn't like what happened with everyone essentially bullying her.
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She tells her she doesn't want her to leave and if Sarah feels a connection with Matt, she wants her to stay to see it out so Matt doesn't have any regrets and doesn't wonder "what if." Sarah says she's already decided and needs to leave to spend time with her dad because she doesn't know how much longer he has, which Katie understands because she lost her dad in 2012.
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They hug and this was probably the most genuine interaction to happen this episode and also we learned that Katie is more than just a dildo.
After loading her suitcase into the Uber, Sarah stops by Matt's LUXURIOUS ASS SUITE to say goodbye.
She tells him that she misses her family and needs to be with her dad and also that some of the girls have been cruel and malicious to her. BUT SHE DOESN'T NAME NAMES, WHICH IS VERY UPSETTING. All she had to do was drop one Victoria, just one. Matt is very clearly disappointed because I imagine Sarah would've been in his top 3, but he eventually gets it and tells her he'll be thinking of her and praying for her family and Sarah leaves.
Our first (but certainly not last, I'm sure) woman to leave on her own.
Things Serena C. did this week
You didn't think I forgot, did you.
First, she wore this ensemble on the group date leading me to ask WHO GAVE HER PERMISSION TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE LOOK SO INCREDIBLY FRUMPY IN COMPARISON:
The layered chains! The bra top + leather jacket combo! The desire to nap! Okay also she did other stuff too:
Like drinking a cocktail and also drinking champagne and also giving side eye to Sarah. She AGAIN did not speak to Matt and while I do love it, I'm worried next week or the week after will be her last. Excited nonetheless to see how long she makes it and more importantly, how many more outfits we get to see.
And that's it! There's still like 120 women here and previews show even more women arriving, so like I don't know if they messed up the logistics on this season but some women should be going home too, right.
Guess we'll find out next week. See you for that! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
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