Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail's hoops because it's the last we'll see of them (*LOUDLY SOBBING*).

We'll of course get into this later, but I wanted to emotionally prepare you because this man has the nerve to send home Magi last week and Abigail this week, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE RELEASE ME FROM THIS HAMSTER WHEEL SO I CAN STOP WATCHING.

Anyway, it's hometowns next week and there's still 85 women here, so let's jump in.

Blink and you'll miss Heather

We pick things up with Matt talking to Heather who surprise! Just happened to be in the neighborhood and also in the mood for marriage.

Matt says "Obviously I've never met you," which LOLLL sounds about as good of a lie as me saying I've never met chocolate chip cookies. After Heather reiterates that it was Hannah who encouraged her to come out and meet him, Matt's like "Well Hannah is a woman who is qualified to pick someone she could see me with." AND I'M SORRY, IF WE KNOW ANYTHING FOR SURE, IT'S THAT HANNAH BROWN IS IN FACT NOT QUALIFIED TO DO ANY PICKING OUTSIDE OF HER NOSE. Her entire season of The Bachelorette is entered as evidence for this. Choosing Mr. Peanut lookin' Jed over Hot Tyler effectively forfeited her Qualified Picker card for life, I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

Anyway, Matt says he needs to think about if Heather should stay and while he does that, he sends her out to hang with the other women who are so happy to see her.

Oh right, by "so happy," I mean they're happy in the same way you're happy when a laxative kicks in. They all start grilling her about her reasoning for being here and she responds by telling them "You don't know me at all" before they, collectively as a group, yell "DO YOU KNOW MATT AT ALL?" And you have to admit that's sort of a funny comeback because she literally does not.

Matt eventually tells her that he's already falling in love with the women who have been suffering on this show for six weeks and time just isn't on their side, sending her home and effectively ending this random Heather appearance.

And to rub salt in the wound, girl has to minivan-DRIVE HERSELF HOME.

Matt returns to the women and apologizes for this taking up their time and continues with the evening and the Rose Ceremony.

Things Serena did this week

Got sent home. 

While she was sort of terrible in her final episodes, you gotta give her props for making it through SEVEN WEEKS of this show even though the only thing she said to Matt was "Hi, I'm Serena." Her streak of snagging the last rose is broken by Abigail who gets it instead, sending home not only Serena but also model Chelsea.

One-on-one: The remaining Serena

Serena gets this week's first one-on-one and just as we've dropped the need for initials in identifying the different Serenas, we've always dropped the need for these dates to actually be fun.

They spend the day doing tantric yoga taught by a white woman whose qualifications to teach are based on the fact that she's probably been to Thailand once and has an Om tattoo. And tantric yoga is apparently like regular yoga, but you aim your crotches at each other in between periods of staring into each others eyes inches apart. Omg fun! 

In all honestly, if a man brought me to do even regular yoga for a date, I would actually boo and hiss. If I'm putting on stretchy pants for a date it's because our date is Thanksgiving dinner and I'm about to eat an entire tray of green bean casserole.

Serena basically tells Matt this date wasn't for her, especially since she's not really into PDA and that she isn't "quick to lust or love."

Later they have dinner in front of this season's pizza oven and he thanks her for being so real and honest about not liking the first part of the date. 

And that is honestly the gist of the evening's conversation before Matt tells her he's excited to meet her family and gives her a rose, meaning Serena is our first woman through to hometowns.

There's a lot happening on this group date

This week's group date takes place in a grandma's basement and there isn't even an activity, they just have what is essentially another cocktail party because Matt is realizing hometowns are next week and there are still 200 women here and he knows none of them.

COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!! chats with him first and she tells him a couple of days ago she RESIGNED FROM HER JOB AS A COMMS MANAGER in order to stay here and continue on this journey with Matt. She tells him her work wasn't just a job, it felt like her dream, but she knows being here with Matt is worth it. 

And I mean, IS IT????? I'm trying to think of who would be worth it to quit my job for and, okay so Michael B. Jordan. Also Zac Efron. Probably all of the men on the Spanish national soccer team. And Mahershala Ali. Also this one hot guy I saw once while moving into my apartment. And I mean if it was required to get a wiener dog. And also if I was ever offered the opportunity to be a sugar baby (though at my age, I think I would technically be a sugar teenager). BUT OTHER THAN THAT. Matt thanks her "for sharing," and like, this woman quit her job for you, the least you can do is use a different response than the one you deliver 875 times an episode.

During Matt's time with Kit, she's like "ummmm remember I'm 21 so I'm not trying to get married ASAP and also no babies because I'm still a baby." She tells him she wants to finish school and travel and work on her career first, so she's more of a "long-term investment." 

Now, in so many other seasons, this admission would've immediately sent her home because the Bachelor/Bachelorette is usually looking for an engagement and marriage at the end of this. But Matt is like "k, cool," which tells me he may not (read: probably won't) propose in the finale. I'm thinking there's a chance he'll pull the ol' "I want to keep getting to know you...." bit or something, so we have that BS to look forward to.

OKAY NOW THIS IS THE PART WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT ABIGAIL. Throughout the episode, we've gotten a lot of clips of Abigail being sad and confused because she's had zero time with Matt since getting the first impression rose and will be the only woman going into hometowns who hasn't had a solo date.

When she talks with Matt, she straight up asks him if he can see a future with her and he tells her that he was drawn to her from night one and was so comfortable in their relationship that he explored other relationships. And now Magellan has discovered he likes these other women more.

Matt says "the last thing I want to do is lead you on," even though he has led her on for the past 7 weeks and only stopped leading her on because she asked "are you leading me on." So that's great.

With that, he walks her out and to answer your question, YES I AM SCREAMING. In her Uber, Abigail talks about how she is "constantly the person who makes men realize what they want next, but they never want it with her." 

AND HOW DARE ANY MAN MAKE THIS WOMAN FEEL LIKE THAT. I HAVE DECIDED TO BE VERY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED AND UPSET ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME, THANK YOU. Look, the only way we can all feel better about this is if Abigail is Bachelorette and Magi makes regular appearances as her best friend, I DEMAND THIS, THANKS ABC.

In the end, racist Rachael gets the group date rose and then Matt tells her he has a surprise for her AND IT'S A PERFORMANCE BY ALOE BLACC??!! 

The one legitimate artist they've ever gotten on this show and they're wasting it on Rachael and a random group date? Nothing makes sense.

The full range of Matt's "listening" face

I'm sure you all have noticed this by now, but every 2.5 seconds, Matt either licks his lips or runs his tongue across his teeth like maybe he has a seed stuck. I don't know how it doesn't distract the women because it's all I can stare at. Please get this man some chapstick and floss. 

When you've got to get back to Gambiting the Queen

After the group date, Kit stops by Matt's villa to talk and this conversation ensues:

Kit: So basically I like you, but I don't like like you
Matt: k, cool I like you though so
Kit: Hometowns isn't the place for me to figure out if I love you, you deserve someone who is 100% sure about you proposing
Matt: lol omg am I supposed to propose at the end of this, also I want you here
Kit: Yeah no thanks, I'm good, so I'm gonna go

She assures him that she is unwavering about this and she knows it's the right thing for both of them. Plus, she's behind the practice curve and really needs to enter some local chess tournaments STAT before taking on the Russians this summer.

One-on-one: Jessenia

Jessenia finally gets her one-on-one with Matt and this date is actually pretty fun, so I guess the show only has budget for one fun thing per episode.

They spend the day drifting and if music from that Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift movie doesn't immediately play in your head, how lame are you.

Jessenia gets through the whole date while wearing white pants and NOT spilling ketchup or taco sauce on them and then even lets Matt put her on the hood of the car (a very comfortable place to sit).

Again, I applaud every single person who can wear white pants without falling into a tub of barbecue sauce, it happens to me 98% of the time I wear white pants, I don't know how.

Later, they have dinner beneath an assortment of all the hanging lights from your neighbors who leave their Christmas lights up until June. 

Jessenia tells Matt she's falling in love with him and she has no regrets in coming here. Matt smiles at her and then grabs the date rose to dangle in front of her face like it's the last slice of pizza.

He...you guessed it....thanks her for sharing before telling her that while he likes her and thinks she's amazing, they just don't have that love factor and he's not there with her. He then walks her to her Uber making her our fifth woman to leave this episode. 

So who gets to go to hometowns

At the Rose Ceremony, Racist Rachael and Serena have roses, so there are two roses left to give out among (ex-) COMMS MANAGER BRI!!, Michelle and Pieper.

Bri gets the first rose and Michelle gets the second rose, meaning Pieper is sent home. And y'all, she leaves without acknowledging Matt, hugging him or saying goodbye, I AM A FAN. 

Out of our final four, I'm rooting for Bri and Michelle, but I feel conflicted because they're also too good for Matt so is "winning" this show actually winning? The deep thinking this show encourages.

And not that I need to give you another reason to love Michelle, but we get this hilarious credits scene after they've received roses of her saying "Before I make my toast, I want to ensure I look good for the cameras so I'm going to knock out some pushups real quick":

AND SHE EVEN GIVES US LEGIT PUSHUPS. We are counting those according to Army standards, thanks.

And that's it! Honestly a pretty productive episode because more women were sent home this week than arrived, a new thing for this season. While I will never forgive this show for providing a platform for Matt to breakup with two women like Magi and Abigail, wait, that's it. That's the point. ABIGAIL FOR BACHELORETTE!!!!

See you all next week! Til then, find me screaming that Abigail should be Bachelorette while creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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