Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Martin staring directly into the camera because maybe like us, he's also just learned his name is Martin:

He gets some actual screentime this week, so I think I'll now remember who he is. Before this week's episode, I figured he was just a time traveling hologram because he looks like what middle schools boys looked like when they started bleaching their hair in the 2000s (so edgy).

It's week 3 and you guys, there's a major trash pickup coming, so let's jump right in so we can bag it up.

Can Michelle just marry one of these guys instead

For the first group date, Glen Powell (who played a hot John Glenn in "Hidden Figures") and Jay Ellis (who plays hot Lawrence on "Insecure") join Michelle at a hangar to put the guys through a series of Top Gun challenges, since they're both in the Top Gun reboot and to that I say, I've got a top for these two guys to gun, ahahaha.

Anyway, the guys change into flight suits and a couple of them (primarily Little Caesar Peter) wear them like they're deep V-neck shirts.

Michelle can only pick one "Maverick" who will get to spend special one-on-one time with her. She'll choose after the guys do things like push ups and high knees and is this the presidential fitness test. They're also forced to get into a G-Force simulator and while they're spinning around, they have to tell Michelle how they feel about her:

I know I never feel closer to a guy than when he's spilling his feelings to me while potentially spilling his lunch. Mmmm romance.

Was honestly surprised Peter even agreed to go on this thing because the man's hairline is one strong gust of wind away from extinction.

Those 3 strands of hair are fighting for their life, clinging onto that hair gel. But anyway, when he's on the simulator, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Italian and fancies himself to be Marcus Aurelius. So he's absolutely pissed that when his longtime rival of approx one episode Will goes, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Spanish. Little Caesar claims Will is "copying" him, which I'm no linguist but I'm pretty sure Spanish is not the same as Italian. This incredibly stupid and baseless rivalry grows deeper when Will ends up winning the date and is awarded a Forever21 bomber jacket:

This jacket is apparently the last (cheese) straw for Peter who feels the need to stir up an argument with Will AGAIN during ANOTHER group date and wow Will's exasperated expression speaks for all of us:

But can you blame Peter, I mean, he has nothing to offer Michelle in terms of smarts, looks, conversation or hair, but he is incredibly annoying so he has to show her that! What's worse is Peter is like every idiotic bully — he has THE WORST comebacks. Like if you're gonna be a rude bitch, at least have some scathing barbs. Instead, he says things to Will like "You hate my mouth because you wish you had it" which doesn't even surpass "U-G-L-Y, you aint got no alibi, you ugly" in terms of cleverness. 

Right, so Peter thinks Will is dramatic and hysterical, so while he is talking with Michelle, Peter proves he is the more mature one by grabbing Will's bomber jacket and throwing it in the pool. 


Very non-dramatic, calm and rational behavior. When Will finds out, he doesn't make a big deal out of it because he doesn't want to ruin the night and it's actually kind of sad to watch him fish the jacket out of the pool. 

While this stupidity is happening, Martin is actually winning the evening.

He was already on Michelle's mind after taking time during the group date to pull her aside and ask how she was and wow men doing the bare minimum, standing ovation. She thanks him for being mature and tells him that she's confident that he's here for her and he ends up getting the group date rose. And since he gets the rose, he then gets extra time with Michelle:

They dance to a string quartet playing "Take My Breath Away," which is actually the most Top Gun thing about this entire date.

"I would apple'outly love it if you would accept this rose"

Rodney gets this week's solo date and remember his "thing" with Michelle is not being able to tell apples apart. He truly thinks all apples are granny smith apples. Playing off that, for the first part of their date, they take turns being blindfolded while the other feeds them foods that they have to guess from this selection:

Even though I can tell these foods have been sitting out for HOURS, like look at those flaccid french fries, it doesn't deter how intensely attracted I am to all of these dishes. That spaghetti sauce has congealed and yet, I'd still give it the first impression rose.

Anyway, they then do a bunch of other things (read: random producer created activities to take up time) before wrapping up things as most dates conclude — with some streaking.

Rodney has to run around the hotel naked while Michelle cheers him on and this has truly been such a grab bag assortment of activities. While he's running around, all of the guys come out of their rooms to see what's going on along with Tayshia and Kaitlyn:

I can't decide what I relate to more — Tayshia's facial expression or Kaitlyn's hands because if both aren't what you do when you're surprised but also having an overwhelming feeling to scream laugh.

What I'll say about Rodney is he seems so genuinely and fully here for Michelle and willing to be as vulnerable and open as she needs him to be. He shares that his biggest fear is passing away before he becomes a husband and father and in response, Michelle tells him that hers is becoming complacent, but that's also her weakness because she's always focusing on the next thing instead of enjoying the now. And you guys, this is how he looks at her every time she speaks:

You can tell that Michelle could say she taught a duck how to play the tuba and he'd be like that's the ducking best.

They both talk about how important it is for their partner in life to understand how race affects their everyday lives. Michelle shares that a white woman called her the n-word in the grocery store once and it obviously upset her, but when she got home and told her then boyfriend, he told her she shouldn't be upset because that was "giving power to the woman who said it." She didn't say his name, but we must find this man and fling him into the sun, okay. She says she felt like she had to justify how she was feeling to this guy, which is ridiculous because she is allowed to feel how she wants to for as long as she wants to.

Now obviously, Rodney would never make Michelle justify her feelings or literally anything she does. He's previously told Michelle he's the "underdog" because he isn't the best looking or smartest guy in the house, but she assures him that she doesn't think he's an underdog and she likes that she can laugh with him. He obviously gets a rose.

Which is also when we get to hear Michelle deliver that "apple'outly" line. Who knew that not being able to tell apples apart could be the foundation to a new relationship.

A group date mostly to confirm Jamie is annoying

For the second group date, the guys are joined by spoken word poet and author Rudy Francisco, who tells them that they'll all need to write a poem to express some real emotions to Michelle.

Most of the guys take this very seriously and Michelle is pleasantly surprised at the poems that *most* of them come up. However, blink if you're a dumbass who isn't one of them because you can't follow simple instructions:

Jamie delivers what Brandon refers to as "a weird Ted Talk" in which he doesn't talk about himself or Michelle or their relationship, but instead, shares some made-up story about a lost girl, an angel and a rabbit. It's made even more bizarre by the fact that Jamie seems to think that he is totally killing it.

Michelle delivers the most insightful poem of the date, sharing what life was like growing up in a predominately white community as the "token Black girl" who was always picked last for dances, but first for basketball.

Um very sorry for the "Eternals" promo but it was huge and also perfectly describes how we will be watching this show for eternity. 

Later, during the evening portion of the date, we get plenty of interview clips of Jamie talking about how he's "not even competing" for a rose because he's just so far ahead of the competition, but omg guess he's been competing in the wrong competition because cutie Brandon gets the group date rose.

After this, Jamie, who thinks he is the most mature guy here, immediately runs off to tattle to a producer that he shouldn't even have to be going on these lame group dates anyway and it's ridiculous that he has to wait six weeks "to reach the end."

He then takes a sharp turn down Douchebag Lane and shit talks Michelle by saying she's acting like she's in "spring break mode" and questioning if she "should really be in that mode if she's looking for a husband." AND WOWWWW WE HAVE TO THROW THIS WHOLE MAN AWAY. I mean, his face is already pretty crumpled up, let's just crumple the rest of him up AND THROW HIM IN A TRASH CAN ON THE SUN.

Thankfully, the throwing away will be happening verrrrrry soon, but first...

Quick interjection

This is Romeo writing his poem during the group date and it seems a camera person is in love with him because the angle here. This looks like a scene from a Hallmark holiday movie about a young professor who returns to his small town to fall in love with a woman who continues to willingly watch and blog about a terrible reality dating show (Lacey Chabert would die for this role). 

He's a mathematician and to that I say that I'd like to see his digits because I've got some things for him to calculate (HEHEHEHE). 

Okay, back to business....

A truly beautiful Rose Ceremony

Just as I put it off in real life, we're not taking out the trash yet. We have to wait until it's overflowing and trust me, it will be soon because as Rick so eloquently points out, "When the pot gets stirred, the rat will be exposed." Not sure what pot he's been stirring that has a rat in it, but sure.

Before rat pot time, how about some cute, 6'8" Nayte time. He chats with Michelle first during the cocktail party and anyway, this is exactly what you say when Nayte asks you to run away with him.

They don't actually run away, per se, because Michelle is not a fool named Colton. They just relocate to a more secluded corner for making out. And because my opinion can very much sway the outcome of this show that wrapped months ago, I feel it necessary to again point out that I LOVE NAYTE. And this is about the only carefree, joyful conversation of the evening before we get back to bagging up this incredibly smelly Jamie trash. 

During Rick's intense eye time with Michelle, he reassures her that he's tight with most of the guys and knows none of them have been worried about the whole Joe thing. She then solves the two-episode long mystery of "who spread this lie about Michelle" by just telling Rick that it was Jamie who told her "all of the guys" were talking about it. 

This obviously gets Detective Rick's wheels spinning and he immediately shares this news with a few of the guys and they then call Jamie over to talk. Even though this is a still image, can't you just hear "See, what had happened was...."

I wouldn't even call what he does during this conversation "dancing around the truth" because the truth is nowhere to be found. He's dancing several countries and time zones away from the truth. But in summary:

Nayte: Why did you say this to Michelle?
Jamie: Because there were these conversations happening about Joe and it created this "character"
Nayte: Wtf who was having these conversations
Jamie: Well, me and also me and then there was also me. But also, I was not a part of any of those conversations, so I don't know what you're talking about
Nayte: If you don't know, then why did you say that to Michelle?
Jamie: Because I'm trying to make myself look good when these episodes air

I don't think the complete opposite of "good" has been demonstrated more on this show, ever, and that's saying a lot. But this is just a sneak peek. To reveal the Marianas Trench depth of Jamie's stupidity, we need some help from:


Michelle gathers all of these circus peanuts and tells them that the biggest nut of all, Jamie, was the one who informed her of the "rumor." He immediately gets his wings going and starts bumbling about how he only told her that because he wanted to "protect her," but she quickly responds with "Buuuuuuut YOU created this drama around my character and YOU made up this story about Joe, soooo it doesn't seem like you're protecting me." And I'll let Nayte's face speak for all of us:

The guys ask if his intentions were so pure, why didn't he admit that he was the one who told Michelle? In response, he gets his bike out and backpedals, saying "Well well well, see see see, this issue was not about the individual" WHICH WTF THAT IS SUCH A BIZARRE ANSWER?? From this point on, it's like he's using Microsoft Word's synonym editor on every single word in real time to such an extent that it's all nonsensical. Just a bunch of random nouns and verbs. 

Eventually, Michelle asks him to stop saying every word he knows and to join her outside for a chat. He continues his stupid reasoning outside, leading Michelle to release the world's most patient deep breath:

While she doesn't punch him in the side of the head, which would've been fantastic, she does the next best thing — sends him home immediately (YESSSSSS). None of that "oh, let's see how things go" or "let's see what happens at the Rose Ceremony" like the Bachelor/Bachelorette so often does.

She does cancel the rest of the cocktail party though because she knows who she wants to give roses to and let's just skip to the good part — Will gets the last rose:

Which is of note because it means Little Caesar's Peter is sent home too!!! Jamie AND Peter in one night!! This is a real BOGO deal. Wow, the air feels so much fresher with all of the garbage taken out.

And that's it! I'm so relieved we won't have to suffer through another week with those two jokes of men. Almost as relieved as I'll be when I am released from having to watch this show. That day hasn't come yet, so see you next week! Til then, find me signing up for a dating app for mathematicians and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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