Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by this absolutely glorious charcoochie board:

Who is SHE tho. The way the light is hitting that meat and cheese, pure art.

It's week 4! Which means nothing other than it's after week 3 and before week 5 and I still do not have the brain capacity 4 remembering who most of these men are. Let's jump in!

"I'm still deciding if Martin makes my heart race"

While Jamie has been sent home (thank G), his best pal Martin is still here and what better way for Michelle to test if their "love is on the right track" than with a one-on-one date at a BMW race track.  

We don't know much else about Martin, except that he looks he's from a 2000s pop punk band and probably doesn't have a bedframe. While he and Michelle are drifting around the track, he says there's a "sexy car, sexy lady and a whole lot of sexy going on right now," so we at least learn that he is extremely poetic.


During hot tub time in what appears to be a giant trash can, Martin asks Michelle how she's feeling post-Jamie drama and she tells him she's glad to be past it, but asks how he's feeling since they were such good friends. 

Martin then reveals the "I heart Jamie" tattoo on his chest, saying that he still thinks Jamie is an amazing man, which low key questions Michelle's judgement in sending him home and also proves those shaved parts on his head clearly go down to the brain. We can tell Michelle is a little uneasy about his praise of Jamie based on how loud this super dramatic background music gets and also because of this face she makes for the rest of the conversation: 

Like, "really, this is the hill you're going to die on?" To accompany the loud dramatic music, the producers also give us these lingering zoomed in shots of Martin's hands and it's like okay is one of the camera people trying to be a serious cinematographer or something because there's no room for that here, this is The Bachelorette.

Later at dinner, Michelle is like um hey yeah that was weird earlier when you were praying at an altar to Jamie. 

Martin responds by being like "Ah yes" and then somehow justifying that because he doesn't know how to communicate because his parents were terrible at it. He says he doesn't know how to talk about his emotions and doesn't cry because it was never okay to do in his house. Which yes, that's terrible, but first off, what does that have to do with thinking Jamie is from The Good Place when he's clearly from The Bad Place? And secondly, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE THESE GIANT PILES OF FOOD:

Looks like salmon on the left and some sort of gargantuan pasta dish, I AM VERY INTERESTED. HERE IS MY ROSE.

Which speaking of, I guess Martin's explanation is good enough for Michelle because he gets a rose.

A reminder that these stupid men are still stupid men

Ahead of the group date, the 12 guys receive gifts from Michelle that are various types of pajamas, or for Brandon, just grey sweatpants ;)


The date ends up being a giant "slumber party," complete with pizza, candy, a spa area and teddy bear making, a combination that makes the men immediately act like they're 15 years old. 

Honestly, this episode's food content is top tier. THAT BOWL OF DORITOS. IN THE WORDS OF BRITNEY, GIMME GIMME MORE.

Anyway, the guys start acting like they're at a slumber party with each other and not Michelle, which as you can imagine, hurts her feelings because the point of this show is for the guys to prove they want to be in a relationship with her, the Bachelorette, Michelle, who is the Bachelorette, the focal point of this show called The Bachelorette.

She doesn't say anything to their faces, which is big of her because I sure as hell would be cutting all of these men off from the snacks table. Instead, things move along into this week's random group date activity featuring the Bella twins.

The guys learn they'll be participating in the "Ultimate Teddy Bear Take Down," which means we get to watch grown ass men aggressively hit each other with teddy bears. I don't understand what part about this proves how good of a husband a guy will be, unless married people often encounter people who want to fight them, but only with stuffed animals.

After they all compete, these ding dongs CONTINUE to pay about as much attention to Michelle as they do to Apple's terms and conditions and it's ridiculous. She grows more upset because she's feeling very "unseen," which sucks since she literally just told these idiots during the poetry date last week that she had to deal with that all the time growing up.

Later, she begins the date's cocktail party by telling them that it feels like she's putting in a lot of effort to find small moments with the guys and they aren't reciprocating.

When she says this, it's like all of the guys return to their bodies because I guess they've been floating in some parallel locker room universe. They then lineup to apologize and tell her they now "see" her.

The most meaningful conversation happens with Olu, who tears up when Michelle expresses how hurt she is. When he chats with Michelle, he tells her how much he felt her pain because it reminded him of his sister and how he reassures her and tells her that she is seen and deserves love.

He gets the group date rose and we must protect this man at all costs. 

"Rick, my little lettuce wrap"

Intense eyes Rick gets this week's second solo date and I've realized that while something about him does creep me out, it creeps me out in a good-Jake Gyllenhaal-type way. Everyone needs a little creepy in their life.

For their date, Michelle says that it's been super hot in the desert and the "best way" for them to cool off is to find higher altitude and like, I don't want to question Michelle, but I'm pretty sure the best way to cool off is to sit inside with AC. But instead of that, they take a cable car to the top of some mountain and hike around before "happening" to come across this little box:

It's some sort of "wish" box where people can leave their wishes, but before they do, they have to read every wish that's already in the box. So Michelle and Rick read through these wishes that other people and definitely not producers have left behind and they're mostly love or family focused. 

They then sit atop a GIGANTIC downed tree that honestly both of them must've had to run and jump onto. Rick tells Michelle that it's easy to be around her and open about his feelings and they share a nice kiss:

Well, creepily nice because HIS EYES ARE OPEN. Rick, he's always watching you.

Later during the evening portion of the date, he does this cute ass shit:

He also opens up about his parents, sharing that when he was 17, he saw a text on his dad's phone from another woman. The next day, he told his mom and a few days later she told him they were moving out and his parents eventually divorced because of his dad's cheating. He adds that his dad was very depressed during the last 10 years of his life and took his own life 3 years ago and reading those wishes reminded him of his dad, but being with Michelle helped him get through the day.

Rick might be the most emotionally intelligent man of the bunch as he goes on to tell Michelle that he knows he'll be falling in love with her and he's looking forward to telling her when it happens. HE'S LOOKING FORWARD TO TELLING HER HE LOVES HER. EXCUSE ME, DO I LOVE HIM NOW???

He obviously gets a rose and they wrap up the evening by dancing to A SINGER WE ACTUALLY KNOW:


Andy Grammar! Wow, the snacks and music budget for Michelle's season is exponentially higher than Katie's, I love it. 

But wait, so Michelle had a really nice, drama free date? That just won't do. Please bring in the giant wooden spoon who will be stirring the pot before tonight's Rose Ceremony....

"The S in Chris stands for snake"

Short king Chris realizes that since he's not at the required height to be on this show, the camera probably hasn't been picking up on him. So to get some attention, he delivers this speech at the beginning of the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, saying that there's "some guys" in the house who think they "have it in the bag" and they don't deserve Michelle. 

He then talks with Michelle and immediately tattles, saying that when Martin's date card was delivered, Nayte made a comment about how for him, it wasn't about "if" he'd get a date card, it was about "when." This is alarming for Michelle for two reasons: 1) Who knew Chris was even still around and 2) Natye is def one of her favorites. So she chats with him next.

She gets right to business, telling Nayte that she isn't a "prize" and this isn't about "winning" and no one has anything in the bag. He does fumble his words a little in response (and doesn't deny what Chris said he said), but says he can't control what other people say or think about him.

He leaves and immediately pulls Chris away to talk.

Chris steps away from his quest to find one ring to rule them all and tells Nayte that he only talked about him because Michelle "probed" him (note: she did not). This exchange then happens:

Chris: So anyway, Michelle forced me to talk about you. But whatever, worry about yourself.
Nayte: I am??? You're the one talking about me??
Chris: Yes correct, but your name only happened to come out of my mouth because I planned to talk to Michelle about you, but only because of that chance reason

Nayte walks away and calls Chris a "dweeb," which is pretty hilarious name calling.

So gee, I wonder what will happen at the Rose Ceremony!

They both get roses because by law, Chris has to get his two-episode villain arc before he can be sent home. Also lol'ing at the height difference here. Can't wait for Chris' babysitter to come pick him up, both in a car and also pick up like a baby.

Will (who had the drama with Little Caesars Peter) and the other Chris are sent home along with HOT MATHEMATICIAN/HALLMARK MOVIE GUY, ROMEO:

I feel like we barely got to know him, but don't worry, I'll be signing up for some one-on-one tutoring.

And that's it! Next week, the show is headed to Michelle's hometown in Minneapolis, so see you for that! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

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