Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Nayte making this face at Chris that I think is safe to say is the face 110% of people make at Chris at all times:

We'll get into all of this stupidity soon (I know you were worried). We're in Michelle's hometown of Minneapolis this week, so let's jump in! 

A Minnesota date with Minnesota Joe

Prior ghost Joe gets this week's first solo date that begins the way that most first dates do, by throwing out a pitch at a Minnesota Twins game:


Very casual, honestly if you don't do this with all of your Tinder dates, you're lazy.

They then visit Michelle's high school where she takes Joe on a stroll down memory lane, showing him where her old locker was and photos and trophies from when she played basketball along with some yearbooks:

If someone asked me to show them where my high school locker was, I'd have to track down the Honda Prelude I drove back then and open the trunk because yes bb that's where those Physics and Calculus textbooks resided 24/7.

They wrap up the 17 Again portion of the date with a game of one-on-one in Michelle's old gym before sitting down for serious talk in the bleachers. 

Michelle tells Joe that he reminds her of her dad and brother because of how reserved he is. He tells her that he's always been like this, probably because his dad was even more reserved than him, but he's working on opening up more and being with her on this "journey" has helped.

Later at dinner, Joe opens up even more, telling Michelle about the mental struggles he faced after his basketball career came to an end in college due to injuries. 

He knew he wasn't in a good place and needed to focus on what could make him happy outside of basketball, which is why he ended up moving back to Minnesota. 

Even though it's clear it makes him uncomfortable to share all of this Michelle, Joe tells her that he's trying and wants to open up because she's worth it.

And to that I say, you know what's worth it, whatever that fried piece of chicken? fish? is on his plate next to what appears to be a steak. A LIL SURF N' TURF, HUH. I admire how everyone on this show is able to naturally ignore plates of food 6 inches away from their face. Like if there's a burrito within a 2 mile radius of me, I am staring at it.

Anyway, Joe of course gets a rose and unless he somehow ghosts her on TV, he is FOR SURE in Michelle's top 3. 

I guess we're just promoting all Minnesota sports teams

This week's group date takes place at the Minnesota Vikings' stadium, but instead of being joined by Vikings players, the group is joined by Vikings actors (this is a real "what you ordered vs. what you got" moment):

The guys change into Vikings outfits that 90% of them look not so bad in, while the other 10% of them are named Chris:

I could not stop laughing. While I know this is supposed to be a centaur costume, the way he was trotting around made him look like a donkey, which actually makes more sense since he really is half man, half jackass.

Anyway, the guys compete against each other while doing a bunch of things like throwing logs and arm wrestling and eating disgusting food — all things that are necessary in a future husband apparently. In the end, Pinky is named "ultimate viking":

This is literally the most we've heard from Clayton in 5 weeks and I mean that literally. He "viking" screams several times at levels I've personally only heard while I am singing Adele (SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUU).

Later during the date's cocktail party, Michelle thanks all of these milk duds for stepping up and GASP not ignoring her, the Bachelorette, this week. The bar, it is so low, it is below ground.

During her time with Brandon, Michelle surprises him with some more nordic fish because he seemed to enjoy it so much during the viking challenge:

Y'all, he really bit the entire head off this dried fish, like Bear Grylls went for it.

Okay but this time, the "nordic fish" is actually Swedish Fish candy, which tbh is just as disgusting.


Swedish Fish aside, I find Brandon adorable. He tells her that he doesn't know if they'll end up together because he knows she has to follow her heart, but he's truly investing in their relationship. 

Michelle also has a really nice conversation with Clayton and actually all of the guys make the most of their time with her, except for one miniature horse:

Chris is too busy making out with his drink to talk to Michelle, who he thinks should be the one seeking him out (love a man gaslighting himself into believing this is his season of The Bachelor). He spends the entire night sulking around like his daddy just told him he can't get another Porsche and thinks that sharing that news about Nayte last week is the equivalent of gifting Michelle a house, so she owes him attention and gratitude. When really, what he is owed is us grabbing him (probably with just one hand) and flinging him directly into the sun.

Anyway, we'll come back and squash this Chris bug later. Ultimate viking champ Clayton gets the group date rose.

Lake date with Nayte

The man Chris wishes he could be, Nayte, gets this week's second one-on-one. Michelle takes him out on Lake Minnetonka because it's where she spent a lot of time growing up and where she dreams of having a house one day.

They're soon joined by two of her best friends who are here to ask the "hard questions," can't you tell:

They ask Nayte such softball questions like "Do the guys in the house like you" and "Did you expect to fall this quickly for someone." It just reminded me that my best friends would not be coming in that ill prepared, but would be like "YEAH SUP, WE PRINTED OUT YOUR ENTIRE CREDIT HISTORY AND WE'VE INTERVIEWED ALL OF YOUR EXES AND TALKED TO YOUR LAST 3 BOSSES, NOW TELL US WHY YOUR EMAIL PASSWORD IN 2006 HAD THIS GIRL'S NAME IN IT." 

Her friends of course love Nayte because I mean, have you seen Nayte (this is exactly why I do in fact need relationship supervision from friends) and he and Michelle end their lake day by jumping in because you didn't think these producers would miss an opportunity to show Nayte shirtless, right.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Michelle asks Nayte what he needs in a relationship and he tells her open dialogue, good communication, someone to call him out on his BS and someone to have fun with. Which okay all standard stuff, this is the equivalent of someone saying they "love to travel" on their dating profile.

Michelle then shares more about her past, specifically, a toxic 3-year relationship that caused her so much stress and anxiety, she became physically ill and couldn't keep food down. The guy eventually left her when she was at her sickest and she moved back in with her parents and really struggled for a time, which aint it the move of a trash ass man to make you get sick, then leave you because you're sick. FLING HIM, INTO THE SUN.

Anyway, Michelle and Nayte are really connecting and she tells him today has been one of her favorite days ever, that is until.....

A wild Frodo emerges from the shadows at an unfortunate angle that proves he's about the same height as Nayte...when Nayte is sitting down. Chris has become so frustrated that no one is paying any attention to his temper tantrum, that he's decided to bring it front and center. And I gotta tell ya, this is not the face of a woman who is thrilled to see him:

Nayte calls him "weird," which is factual, before Michelle agrees to talk with him for a few minutes because I think she knows if she doesn't, he will start rolling around on the floor. This is then the face she has to endure:

This man is somehow the personification of Monday — like here I am again, to ruin your life.

Long story short (hehe), Chris is upset that Michelle didn't worship him for telling her about the non dramatic thing Nayte said. He also can't believe she had the audacity to do what she wanted (keep Nayte around) instead of what he wanted (for her to lift him up so he could dunk). Michelle tells him that she didn't like him speaking for her at last week's cocktail party and she needs a man who can support her when she speaks, not speak for her. 

She then wraps things up by telling him that they're clearly not on the same page and asks if he's heard this song called BYE BYE BYE because his ass is going home (she might not have said that, we'll never know). 

With that short king out of our lives, Michelle returns to Nayte and gives him a rose.

I imagine Nayte will also be in Michelle's top 3.

Wait when did we get down to 10 guys

Michelle opens this week's Rose Ceremony cocktail party by sharing the news that she sent Crisco home and y'all, look how happy she is to say it because that man really gave her the ick:

She then spends time with the 10 guys who are left (weren't there like 85 men here last week), including surprising Brandon with a birthday cake:

By now you should know why I'm including this moment — LOOK HOW TASTY THAT CAKE LOOKS. THAT PERFECT FROSTING. THOSE BERRIES. I bet it's (sorry to say it) SO MOIST.

Michelle's having a pretty great time, which is a huge change from the hot mess every other cocktail party has been. Sensing things are just going too well for Michelle, Lance Ass swoops in to remind her that men with hair like this, should never be loved:

During his time with Michelle, Martin tells her that she isn't high maintenance, which is good because "all girls in Miami are," which is hilarious to hear coming from a man who probably spends more on his hair in a week than most women do in a year. Michelle then asks him what he means by "high maintenance" and he bumbles saying it's when women "expect" the man to do everything and that men don't normally go into relationships with that thinking. And this is Michelle's face while he delivers his dissertation on women:

Martin then feels totally fine and secure about what he said to Michelle as is evident in him running to anyone who will listen to say "I feel totally fine about what I said to Michelle, totally fine, I'm breezy, what I said was totally okay, and if it wasn't, Michelle misunderstood." And the way the other guys don't encourage him or say "Sure man!" while he's flopping is hilarious, they're just letting him Captain D's flounder out here.

Anywho, heading into the Rose Ceremony, 3 guys have roses (Joe, Clayton and Nayte) and there's 5 roses to give out among the remaining 7 roseless dudes (where was this word problem on the SAT). 

In the end, Michelle KEEPS DUMBASS MARTIN AROUND and sends home Leroy and Dax Shepard lookalike Casey. My guess is the producers told her she's contractually obligated to maintain one problematic man until at least the top 6, so congrats to Martin for becoming the reigning stupidest man of the season.

But we're down to 8 guys! See you all next week as we give thanks that we're finally getting close to the finale. Til then, find me eating entire pecan pies in preparation for the holiday and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

No comments:

Post a Comment