What did we learn from the 2017 American Music Awards?

It's our last Red Carpet of the year! For a "major" awards show anyway, and I use quotation marks heavily here because as far as I know, the AMA's haven't been major since Beyonce last attended in 2008.

I'm going to skip over the two hours I spent having my brain turned into mashed potatoes by E!'s Red Carpet because you already know my thoughts. To summarize: Giuliana wasn't there but she has managed to siphon her idiotic interviewing skills into every person who works at the network.

Best dressed:

I absolutely love Kehlani and I'll give you a moment to Spotify and memorize all of her music. I actually don't see her on red carpets that often, so this was a pleasant surprise. I'm 100% in with this outfit. It's like she was lounging at home in a black bathing suit, then her stylist showed up and was like "Girl, the AMAs are in an hour" and she was like "Cool, I'm just gonna cover up with this lacey curtain." It has every element I love in a dress: 1) Shimmery 2) Lacey 3) See through. Also, her makeup and hair were onpoint and I bet at the end of the night, she simply removed the curtain and got into bed. Easy fashion!

Haliee Steinfeld is keeping my favorite trend going -- the suit + bra combo. Digging the pointy-Disney-villain shoulders on this jacket and I'm even onboard with the slicked back hair look. The best part of the jacket is that later at the afterparty when they bring out chicken fingers and fries, she can button the jacket up to hide the fact that she's eaten 5 lbs. of chicken. Plus, she can use the grease on her fingers from said chicken to keep her hair in place. Multifunctional fashion is my favorite.

Worst dressed:

I don't know if this is Florida or Georgia from Florida Georgia Line, but I am not feeling his "I'm a flasher" look. I'm sorry this image is huge but I needed you to get the full effect. And honestly, guys have it so easy when it comes to dressing up. Here's how to conquer the red carpet as a man: 1) Comb your hair 2) Wear a nice, tailored suit 3) Brush your teeth 4) Bring M&Ms to share 5) Don't come dressed as a creep in a trench coat. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

I'm not mentioning anymore fashion because one person showed up and topped everything:

BLONDE SELENA DID NOT COME TO PLAY 

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I am actually screaming just reliving this look. Y'ALL. If you're wondering what a "revenge look" is, this is it. The blonde hair. The hoops. The leather jacket dress. Is this look a ventilator because I AM LIVING FOR IT. I was still feeling sad about her breakup with The Weeknd, but this look shut down everything because in short, Selena wins. Does anyone know where I can acquire this dress because I plan to make it my main look during my rebel, Rihanna-bad-girl phase. I think I'll also use it during my first divorce hearing. Also, can y'all bury me in this. Great, thanks.

While on the topic of Selenita, she performed her new song "Wolves" (her only televised performance of the year) and it was...interesting.

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The theme seemed to be Civil War swamp ghosts and dear God those dresses were some of the creepiest shit I've seen in a while. They are the exact dress that ALL ghosts wear. And Selena had fake wounds and blood and I had no idea what was going on. I'm 65% sure she was lip-synching probably because she knew those dollhouse ghosts would continually scare the air out of her. Anyway, it was weird AF and I felt frightened for most of it, and thus I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

Kelly Clarkson: Still got it
Kelly's voice is absolutely insane and I cannot believe that the runner-up in her American Idol season was mother fracking Justin Guarini. Meaning the American public chose between Kelly Clarkson and her amazing ass voice and Justin Guarini. I will never understand. She performed "Everybody Hurts" with Pink and then on her own later.

During her solo performance, she sang "Miss Independent" and 16-year-old me could not stop screaming. Don't play like you didn't blast that song in your used Honda while pretending that some dumb boy had wronged you. And her dancers were dressed like Carmen Sandiego while she looked like a regal, golden bird and this entire aesthetic was supreme.

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Unsurprising section where I make you uncomfortable about my love for Shawn Mendes

E! did me an actual favor and asked Shawn if he brought a date and if he's seeing anyone to which he replied "I didn't bring anyone and I'm not seeing anyone." He went on to say that the one thing he's looking for in a significant other is "a sense of humor." And look, as women we should never strive to be something just because a man deems it mandatory, but anyway be on the lookout for my Netflix special titled "Kristi has a sense of humor and is single and will completely change herself in any way to date Shawn Mendes." Also here is actual footage of me upon hearing he didn't bring a date:

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My little poutine performed "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" and even though his hair is getting long and kind of poofy and he can't rent a car without being charged an extra fee, I still love him. All of my creepiness aside, you have to admit he has a pretty spectacular voice. And he won the award for best adult contemporary artist, key word here: ADULT. 

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BREAKING NEWS: I like K-Pop

So I first learned about BTS during this year's Billboard Music Awards and I thought they were adorable. There's 7 of them and their name stands for a Korean expression that quite literally translates into "Bulletproof Boy Scouts." They are MAAAAAAAJOR in South Korea and have a pretty legit global presence on social media and this year Time named them one of the top 25 influential people on the internet. 

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Anyway, they performed their single "DNA," lip-synched into Britney mics and danced and I would've thought it was cheesy had I not been so busy screaming. And I don't even speak Korean but I guess this is how I'll finally learn.

Okay Pink, we get it

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Pink recently did Carpool Karaoke and she told James Corden that she thinks it's easier to sing while suspended upside down. I don't know how this woman does it. I can barely eat a bowl of pasta without getting winded and here she is hanging off the side of a Marriott hotel, flipping and shit, while singing live. The last time I tried to do something of this multitasking level I was driving and tried to reach for some macaroons in my passenger seat. Long story short, it ended with me jumping a curb and popping a hole in my tire. We can't all be Pink I guess.

I need hoop earrings

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This new era of Demi Lovato is amazing. That tan. The long, straight black hair. That IDGAF attitude. AND THOSE HOOPS. I cannot stop thinking about the hoops. I went through a hoop phase in middle school because Teen People told me they were cool and while I haven't worn them since, I think it's time for a resurgence.

She performed "Sorry Not Sorry," which coincidentally enough is what I say to my friends after I eat their fries while they're in the bathroom. We can all agree it's a banger and has the lyrics "Now payback is a bad bitch and baby I'm the baddest, you fuckin' with a savage" which I plan to somehow incorporate into my wedding vows to let my husband know what's up. 

Lastly, I can't screech enough about Demi's eye makeup and PERFECT BROWS. ACTUAL PERFECTION.

Do presenters get to request how they're introduced?

Before Kat Graham came out, they introduced her as "actress, singer, activist" and honestly like 15 other things and it made me wonder, do you just get to request anything? Like could you be introduced as "Actress, Non-practicing model, 2nd grade sit-up record holder, and Chrissy Teigen enthusiast"? Asking for a friend.

ABC needs to stop with shots of random audience members

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Okay this isn't a random audience member, it's actually Julia Michaels, but I couldn't find any gifs of random audience members because THE INTERNET DOES NOT CARE AND NEITHER DO I. None of us care what Janice looks like dancing to Nick Jonas, okay. NONE OF US.

Christina looks...different

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And by "different" I mean DAMN THOSE LIP FILLERS. I was excited to see her perform a tribute to Whitney and "The Bodyguard" because XTina's voice is crazy. But to be completely honest, all I did was stare at those pillows around her mouth. How many tubes of gloss did she have to use? It just seems like so much work. And okay I'm about to say something that may be unpopular...I thought there was something off about her performance. She hit some amazing notes and she 100% still has it, but I don't know. It's like when you get a sandwich but forget to order cheese on it and while you're eating it, you're like "this just isn't right." Christina was missing that cheese factor.

Just a reminder that Ashlee Simpson is Diana Ross' daughter-in-law

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Diana Ross won the Lifetime Achievement Award and closed out the show and I don't need to yell to you about how iconic she is. She brought her entire family, which includes Ashlee "Pieces of Me" Simpson, who is married to Diana's son Evan. Evan, by the way, is smoking hot and I look forward to being his next wife and marrying into the Ross family.

As a reminder, Diana Ross has won countless awards, has been inducted into Hall of Fames and received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from our old pal Barry Obama in 2016. And meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson said insightful things like this:

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And where was Chrissy, might you ask?

Her and John sat courtside for the Lakers v. Nuggets game wherein she put mustard on a hot dog and played Super Mario Odyssey on her Nintendo Switch. She continues to be an inspiration in my life.

And that's it! Another awards show season in the books and another year that I was unable to figure out how to reach through the TV and slap Giuliana. There's always next year! Til then, I'll be posting random posts here and there on pop culture topics that demand my snark expertise. And you can always creep on me here.

See you soon!

The K-Mac Stack - 11/16/2017

Between awards shows and forcing my way into any event that has the slightest possibility of a Z-list celebrity appearance, I have various other thoughts and commentary on the daily deluge of pop culture news. I thought it'd be best to empty these thoughts somewhere because to be honest, my brain is running out of room and I should really create space for information that is actually useful.

So here we go, the inaugural edition of The K-Mac Stack! Just a stack of random ass commentary.

I apparently have no idea what "sexy" means

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Did all the other men die? Did Idris Elba, Morris Chestnut and all of the Chris's (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans) turn down the offer to be People's Sexiest Man Alive? I'm generally confused by this. And look, don't get me wrong, I watch "The Voice" and find Blake really likable. I understand his appeal and find him charming, but you guys. Come on. The title is "sexiest" man alive. Not "nicest guy you'd ask to come chop down a tree in your yard then thank with a glass of lemonade."

For posterity's sake, here are things sexier than Blake Shelton:

• Ryan Reynolds in his Deadpool costume
• Every professional soccer player
• Carson Daly in 1999
• Christoph Waltz
• The buffalo voiced by Idris Elba in "Zootopia"
• A freshly made grilled cheese sandwich

I reached out to Gwen for comment, to which she replied:

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Excuse me while I cry about Selena Gomez and The Weeknd
Per my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am a Selena Gomez fan. My instincts just tell me she's fun and would be down to do something wild like eat french fries. And I have been writing "Mrs. Weeknd" on my Trapper Keeper for years, so when they got together I was there with streamers and confetti.

As a note, when I went to The Weeknd's concert in Brooklyn, Selena was there too, but she did not get my text and therefore did not invite me to the VIP section (reception in there is terrible, you know how it goes). Anyway, look how cute they were at the Met Gala this year!

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A little birdie (read: intensive Googling) told me they were renting an apartment together in my neighborhood. I never got actual proof of this because every time I got in the vicinity, the police kept saying things like "ma'am that restraining order is still in effect" and "ma'am please get down from that tree."

Anyway all of this is moot. They broke up a few weeks ago because Selenita decided she was tired of being with a gorgeous, talented man whose voice is the soundtrack to heaven, and would rather be with a boy who looks like he fell into a vat of tattoo paint. And to round out this high school drama, The Weeknd was seen at French Montana's birthday party with Bieber's ex! Gasp! Who do we vote for Prom King and Queen now? I cry.

She doesn't dance now, rather, she makes money moves

Our girl Cardi B graced the cover of New York Magazine! To those of you I've yelled about Cardi to, put on those noise canceling headphones, because here comes some more. The first solo female rapper to have a Billboard #1 since Lauryn Hill in 1998! First woman to chart her first 3 singles on Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs list! Was a stripper! Met Beyonce!

Anyway read the story, it has some real gems. Including advising that you should not be a thirsty hoe, you should be a classy hoe.

My husband has decided to save True Detective
I don't know if any of you watched season 2 of "True Detective," but if you didn't let me save you the time: don't. If season 1 was Meryl Streep, season 2 was Tara Reid. And not even American Pie Tara Reid, I'm talking hot mess Tara Reid falling out of an Escalade. Thankfully, my long distance husband Mahershala Ali is here to save the franchise. They haven't started filming and there is no release date yet, but it's apparently about some crime that happens in the Ozarks, the mystery of which isn't even the question "Where are the Ozarks?"

Which speaking of, there's already a show on Netflix starring Jason Bateman called "Ozark." Is there really a demand for TWO shows specifically based in the Ozarks? Based on a summary of that show and just the word "ozark," this is what I assume that region includes: 1) mountains 2) raccoons 3) crime 4) cold weather 5) raccoons committing mountain crimes in the cold weather.

I guess we'll find out when Mahershala teaches us all. I've already made room on our mantle for his Golden Globe.

I need to address two things from the 2017 MTV Europe Music Awards
1) My little Canadian maple leaf Shawn Mendes won all the major awards and showed up in this cute little suit and again this is a reminder that he is 19 and all of this is completely legal. However, I recently found out that he's "rumored" to be dating Hailey Baldwin, a rumor of which I will only believe and accept if I see them at the altar in the middle of their vows. Until then, I will continue to wear this "I heart Shawn Mendes" tank under all my clothes.

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2) Camila Cabello absolutely had the best performance of the night and if you aren't listening to "Havana" on repeat, you are not living your best life.

I need to address one thing from the Country Music Awards
Despite "y'all" being the most frequently used word in my vocabulary and the fact that I lived near Nashville for two years, I am not a huge country music fan. And it's not because I think all country songs are about trucks, beer, "where'd she go," dogs, and rolling down windows. It's also because country music is more white than Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Uggs buying packaged peeled oranges and organic air from Whole Foods.

But, I caveat this by saying I absolutely love Maren Morris. Her voice is insane and she's gorgeous and I've seen her live and she wore a long hoodie and no pants and sang Beyonce at some point and anyway I'm a fan.

At the CMAs, she performed with Niall Horan, which by the way, quick question for the masses, do I think Niall is attractive? My heart can't decide, but he's Irish and I'm Irish and Selena Gomez once told me that the heart wants what it wants. He's doing this whole singer/songwriter thing and to be honest I love this collaboration.

Question of the week: Why isn't Dua Lipa bigger in the U.S.?
Her voice is kind of like a cross between Amy Winehouse, Sia, and Jessie Ware and she looks like an actual supermodel and half of her Instagram story is her getting drunk, so what I'm saying is I mailed her a friendship bracelet ages ago. Before "Havana" took over my life, I listened to "New Rules" on repeat, the video of which I need for you to watch and just embrace the diverse girl power. And flamingos!

She opened for Bruno Mars on about half of his U.S. tour dates and I seriously considered going until I found out tickets on the literal ceiling of the arena were more expensive than a diamond-encrusted jet. My point here is you should listen to her album and donate to my GoFundMe so I can see her one day.

I'm feeling so much lighter now that I've tossed all of these deep thoughts into the universe. Created just enough room for commentary from the American Music Awards this Sunday. See you then!

Kristi does: 30

In a shocking turn of events, I decided to allow the sands of time to carry me to 30. I figured, Beyonce did it and if 30 is good enough for Beyonce, it's good enough for me.

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Being that I've hit this milestone and in the spirit of my blog, I wanted to share 30 musings. These are life lessons and random thoughts I've had that are particularly insightful. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm 30, so my thoughts are of extreme value and I live to educate the youths.

(As a note, these are in no particular order because I do what I want, assuming my parents and my boss are okay with it.)

1. Never tell a woman to calm down. It's the equivalent to shushing someone while squeezing taco sauce on their white shirt and making them step on a carpet of Legos. It's condescending and anyway if you do it, you're a dick.

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2. The best album of all time is Danity Kane by Danity Kane.
    The best movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
    The best TV show is Friends.
    The best dog is the dachshund.
    The best dinosaur is the pterodactyl.
    The best fries are from McDonald's.

3. Sneaker wedges are stupid and just look like bloated sneakers. Did the inventor of these think "How can I make the most comfortable thing in the world, uncomfortable?" I understand wedges (even though sometimes they literally look like ugly ass clogs) because at least you can see the heel and it's somewhat fashionable. But sneaker wedges? THE WEDGE IS HIDDEN. AND IS ONLY A SECRET BETWEEN THE SHOE AND YOUR FOOT PAIN.

4. Goals before 40:
    1) Harvest honey with Beyonce (the Beyhive).
    2) Learn Nicki's rap in "Monster."
    3) Do the "Brr it's cold in here" cheer with Gabrielle Union.

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5. If you're thinking that you can save calories by putting one of those little lemonade or tea packets straight into a cup of Aristocrat vodka and it'll taste good, you're wrong. Do not do it.

6. Do not drink Smirnoff vodka straight from the bottle using Cheetos as a chaser. Long story short, you'll vomit, have to throw out your sheets and your roommate will forever remember you in this gorgeous state.

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7. Always keep at least one hoe dress. After a hard month at work, you're gonna want to dance to Rihanna and be a hoe and that's okay. Everyone does it. You. Me. Amal Clooney. Michelle Obama. Eve from the Bible.

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8. Live for moments that take your breath away. And by this, I mean eat so much that you are literally out of breath because your expanded stomach is pushing on your lungs.

9. Don't waste time with chicken drumsticks. Those things have so many random ass pieces of tendon and weird ass chewy bits. Go straight for the flat wings. You can put the whole thing in your mouth and unzip it like a chicken jacket.

10. No matter how full you are, always finish the fries.

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11. Parents are amazing people. Both of mine are white and they defied modern medicine by producing a full Asian child. Moms and dads just know shit and honestly they endured raising your dumbass, even through that angsty-Avril Lavigne phase, so show a little gratitude and respect.

12. When anyone asks you what you thought of Meryl Streep in something, always declare "She's Meryl." Even if the movie was garbage (haha "Ricki and the Flash").

13. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, watch an episode or 50 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." I've done several scientific studies on this and it's oddly calming. I don't know if it's their monotone voices or how even deaf, blind birds can understand what's going on, either way, it works.

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14. Pigeons are assholes.

15. When you're in college and poor, go to the mall food court and just feast on chicken samples. All of those restaurants will call them something different like "bourbon chicken" or "pineapple chicken" or "pigeon chicken" but to be honest they're all General Tso's Chicken and they're free and delicious.

16. If you go to the beach once, you will never get all of the sand out of your life ever.

17. Nothing quite crushes your excitement over telling a story like when your friend frowns and says "You told me this already." WELL BITCH, BUCKLE UP BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN.

18. It's okay to outgrow friends. People change and mature and develop new interests and this isn't 9th grade and you don't need the votes for Homecoming Princess. Find a close group of friends and people who support you and are genuinely happy for you when Chrissy Teigen likes your tweet. These are the ones who matter.

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19. It's important to weigh the worth of your strengths, particularly when you're job-hunting. I have personally found that the "special ability to smell fried chicken from miles away" is not quite as impressive as it may seem.

20. If you even slightly want that dessert, get it. You don't want to die regretting something and Jesus does not want to hear you complain for all of eternity that you didn't get that cookie cake.

21. As a leader, lead firmly by example but also be respectful. When my subordinates want me to review something, I politely request they print it out and bring it to my office so we can chat. Then, when they go to hand me the papers, I like to slap them out of their hand while yelling "NOT TODAY." Balance, ya know.

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22. Eight times out of 10, making out with a random guy in a bar will not lead to a lasting relationship.

23. Always watch Hocus Pocus around Halloween and Love Actually around Christmas.

24. If a guy ever tells you that you do something well "for a girl," tell him that he does something well "for someone whose reproductive organs hang freely and in the open for anyone to kick."

25. Don't question who you're attracted to and don't let other people make you feel stupid for being attracted to Lil' Wayne or 19-year-old Shawn Mendes. CAN I LIVE.

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26. Making new friends as an adult can be hard. Here are a few introductory phrases I've found have attracted my friendship and I think would work on most people:
    1) I can't finish this, do you want the rest?
    2) I know the security code to the front gate of Zac Efron's house.
    3) I made these brownies for you.

27. Find fashion that suits you and don't follow all of the trends. You're gonna look back at pictures of yourself wearing popped polo collars and sweater vests and giant hoops and wait did I mention sweater vests, and be like "why."

28. Getting a Brazilian wax never gets easier. You never truly get used to a middle-aged Russian woman pouring hot liquid on your lady cave then abruptly tearing away your ovaries.

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29. To be honest, Pocahontas should have married Kocoum.

30. It doesn't take long for New York to have an impact on who you are. Your wardrobe slowly becomes predominately black. Your sunglasses get darker. Your soul becomes black, hardened by having to scowl at tourists and push through finance bros on the subway. The one thing that does not turn black is your bank account because you're paying more than it costs to build a spaceship in rent for an apartment the size of a crab cage. However, this in no way detours you from going to bottomless brunch, happy hour drinks or Michelin-starred restaurants. DEBT IS COOL!

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And that's it! I'm glad I could share just a cup of this waterfall of knowledge I've accrued over the years. Now go forth my child, learn from my experiences and live the life Chrissy Teigen dreamed for us.

What did we learn from the 2017 Emmys?

The Emmys are like the pot of gold at the end of rainbow after dedicating countless hours to watching everything from Veep to The Handmaid's Tale. Except, my "gold" isn't even an award, but mostly consists of yelling either "YES I KNEW IT" or "WHAT, WHY" to winners. And my "rainbow" is mostly just a collection of times I saw my Shrek reflection in the TV after Netflix interrupted my 20-hour binge to ask if I was still a breathing, human woman.

Per usual, I destroyed my soul ahead of the show by indulging in the pre-pre-pre-pre-Red Carpet featuring Laguna Beach megastar Kristin Cavallari. She is actually the one person I don't feel remorse over shit-talking because, based on two seasons of Laguna Beach which I take as gospel, she was an absolute bitch. A literal mean girl. So anyway she looked like a bobble head and I am constantly perplexed at how her flamingo neck holds up that bigass noggin.

Kristin was just the first taco in this 99-cent value pack of E!'s finest. The king bean burrito came through as Giuliana Rancic. To be honest, it feels like it's been so long since she has created a film of self-tanner over my eyes. And I'm just watching on TV! Imagine what the frontlines are like. Actually, here's the ever courageous Elisabeth Moss trying to avoid the fumes, looking like a glass of milk next to a glass of Cheetos dust:

Because you're wondering, yes, E!'s cameras did catch me on the red carpet. I was trying to get Milo Ventimiglia's attention to let him know he left his watch and also his heart at my apartment:

Best dressed

In general, I find Jessica Biel about as interesting as crumpled up aluminum foil, but on Emmy night she delivered. I absolutely loved this ethereal dress like she just came out of an Enya song complemented by an old Hollywood'esque hairstyle. And while yes, she is more bland than overcooked pasta, she has a pretty smokin' bod, so everything looks phenomenal on her. I was also glad to see she continued the mono-leg dress slit trend. 

As someone with a Ph.D. in red carpet studies, I am well aware of how hard it is to pull off a red dress. Issa Rae is now the textbook definition for doing it right. Her make-up is absolutely flawless and despite how creepy this sounds, I wish I could steal her smile. Not in a serial killer way, but I want to copy/paste her smile onto my face (that's much less creepy). I love how this Vera Wang gown has asymmetrical sleeves that let her shoulders breathe, because I can't fully express how often my shoulders have had the urge to burst out of their sleeves. 

One of my favorite things to do in life is wear no pants. Reese Witherspoon agrees and wore this tailored suit jacket that appears to have lots of pockets for snacks. I heard that when Laura Dern hugged her, she crushed her bag of Funyuns and Reese was pissed. And smelled like fried onions. Fucking Dern, always on one. Anyway, I love the bottomless nature to this outfit. I hope Reese optimized use of it by fully Winnie the Pooh'ing at the after party, eating honey straight out of a pot.

Before I saw Laverne Cox, I was actively complaining about both metallic dresses and the slicked-back hair look. But then she showed up and anyway it's the second time I've ever been wrong in my whole life (the first time was when I assured everyone that CDs were here to stay). Laverne makes slicked-back hair look classic, as opposed to everyone else doing it who looks like they just ran a marathon in the rain. And I love the paneling situation on this gown.

Best dressed couple

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This is no shocker as I have Backstreet Boys teen girl screamed about Tom Cullen and Tatiana Maslany so many times. They looked gorgeous together and honestly if another biblical flood happens and Noah has to build an ark, he should def kick off the pair of rhinos because we won't need them but we will need Tatiana and Tom to repopulate the Earth. I have now literally stared at this photo for a long enough period of time to creep myself out, so we'll move on.

I'm pretty sure Shailene Woodley doesn't shower

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I think that's what she means when she says her favorite beauty product is "happiness." During an earlier interview, she was asked what she watched on TV this year to which she said "Nothing. I don't own a TV." Okay and wait, things get even more Shailene'y. She said she doesn't have time for television and just reads books. HAVE Y'ALL EVER READ A BOOK. THAT SHIT TAKES A LONG ASS TIME. Watching an episode of The Handmaid's Tale literally takes 45 minutes. Reading Moby Dick takes 45 years. I timed it.

Big Little Lies did not come to play with you hoes

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Little known fact about me: I love Laura Dern. Literally everything she's been in and by "everything" I mean as the mom in The Fault in Our Stars and of course as Renata in Big Little Lies. I just have a feeling she takes shit from no one in real life and could easily be provoked to kick a guy in the balls. Anyway, I felt the Dern Burn as she took home Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series.

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Nicole Kidman won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series and honestly no one came even close to topping her performance. If you haven't watched Big Little Lies, what are you even doing with your life. To be honest, I'm not even the biggest Nikki K fan, but her performance is phenomenal. And anyway this bitch does what she wants, including kissing Alexander Skarsgard on the mouth in front of her husband as he goes up to accept Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series.

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The show then obviously won Outstanding Limited Series and all I kept thinking of was how memorable that one scene in the finale was with all of the women communicating with each other with just a look. It remains one of my favorite scenes from a TV show and not just because of what happens to Skarsgard following this.

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My boyfriend made history

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Donald Glover, or as I so lovingly refer to him, D.Glo, took home two Emmys for "Atlanta." His first, Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series, made him the first black director to win the category, EVER. And his second, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, has not been won by a person of color in 32 years. THIRTY-TWO YEARS. Plus, did you know he invented looking good in a purple suit? That D.Glo, ever the visionary.

My fiancée also made history

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Riz Ahmed won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series for "The Night Of," making him the first male South Asian actor to win an Emmy (in an acting category). I was unable to attend the ceremony due to a prior bucket of friend chicken engagement, so Riz had to settle for sitting next to up-and-coming actress Oprah Winfrey. I'm gonna be straight up with you here and let you know I've only see two episodes of "The Night Of," but I mean, I've looked at plenty of photos of Riz on Google Images so I think it's about the same. 

WHO RUN THE WORLD (answer: girls)

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Aziz Ansari and Lena Waithe won Best Writing for a Comedy Series for the Thanksgiving episode of "Master of None," making Lena the first black woman to win the category. And she wore a dope ass suit and Aziz stood there super supportive and cute and my point here is that Beyonce always knew who ran this ship.

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Reed Morano won Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series for the pilot episode of "The Handmaid's Tale," making her the first woman to win the category in TWENTY-TWO YEARS. At this point in the show, I had burned all of my tiny bras.

Selina Meyer 2020

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy for the SIXTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR. Meaning she has won this award for EVERY season of Veep. As someone who is constantly sought after by myself for her opinion, I can without a doubt say JLD is the funniest actress on TV. Veep also won Outstanding Comedy Series and if we're being totally fair which I am about 43% of the time, no other shows should've been nominated. 

Can you request what song interrupts your speech?

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It's great and all to stay on-time, but blaring some random violin/trumpet music while Sterling K. Brown is talking is pretty rude. It made me wonder though, if the Emmys are gonna be rude as hell to you and ruin your moment, can they at least let you choose what song plays as you're being kicked offstage? Because while being interrupted would piss me off, hearing "Work From Home" would cheer me up and The Television Academy wouldn't have to worry about me rage throwing the mic stand into the audience while Hulk tearing my dress apart (this is precisely why I am not invited to any work functions). Just a suggestion.

"YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY"
 —Oprah to the cast of The Handmaid's Tale

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So Elisabeth Moss obviously won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series because if you've even seen a promo for the show, you understand. This little glass of milk can act. I've seen her in the series "Top of the Lake," which she's also amazing in (even though her "Australian" accent is a little kookaburra). I never really watched Mad Men, but I've seen this gif and based on it I can confirm she was amazing in it.

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The series won Outstanding Drama which, similar to what I said about Big Little Lies, if you haven't watched this show,  I question your judgment as an alleged human being. The story is riveting, the cinematography is gorgeous, every cast member is amazing AND the ladies wear these super cute New York Fashion Week capes and bonnets.

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As a note, Alexis Bledel won Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series (it was presented during the Creative Emmys two weeks ago). Our little Rory Gilmore! It almost makes me forgive her for marrying Vincent Kartheiser's receding hairline.

Lastly, Colbert delivered

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His opening was hilarious and included 1000 of our fav celebs, including Chance the Rapper. Someone else made a surprise appearance but I refuse to associate that person's name with one of my favorite awards shows. Rather, I offer my favorite reaction to his appearance featuring Anna Chlumsky (and Rachel Bloom with the GTFO out face in the background):

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His monologue also mentioned how Trump criticized Seth Meyers' hosting skills back in 2014, saying it sounded like he had a "mouth full of marbles." Which gave us one of the best gifs of the night and not just because you can see my ex-boyfriend Colin Jost:

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And that's it! 2017 Emmys in the bag. We'll see how the competition is next year when Game of Thrones is back in the running (and Tatiana Maslany for Orphan Black). I leave you with this photo of some banana bread because it's what Chrissy Teigen was doing instead of attending the show. Til next time, see y'all on Twitter!

Kristi does: The U.S. Open

As I've mentioned many times, any event involving a gathering of celebrities is of interest to me, particularly events that intersect with fashion. So what fashion-fueled celebrity gathering presented itself to me most recently? The U.S. Open of course.

For those of you who aren't tennis fans (example: me), the U.S. Open is the final tennis major or Grand Slam of the year (other Grand Slams: Australian Open, French Open and Wimbledon). It's last because we are America and we insist on the "save the best for last" moniker that has been our senior class motto since 1776. The Open honestly has it all: amazing athletes wearing coordinated Nike outfits, A-listers, cocktails, fried chicken, french fries, beer, pizza, hot dogs, wait, what were we talking about.

Before going to the event, I had minimal tennis knowledge, most of which was garnered from my friend Chloe who played in high school. She imparted this very important wisdom about how to angle your racket while serving: "You cut the cheese then swat the fly" and anyway my tennis lessons did not go much further as I could not stop laughing at "cut the cheese." OH SURE, LIKE YOU DON'T LAUGH AT FART JOKES, PLEASE.

I wanted to go not only because of the celebrities that attend but also because of all the celebrities who attend and sit among the common folk. Can you believe that? Like, I could bump into Anna Wintour and accidentally spill waffle fries on her. Why do they even risk it?

For the record, and don't worry my family and friends know this, if I reach any D-list level of fame I will:
1) Forget all of my friends immediately
2) Insist that my posse refer to me only as the sound "swish"
3) Introduce myself to people by holding my hand out to kiss, but not actually kiss, but air kiss, because I cannot have peasant saliva on my dainty yet famous hand

Anyway, I was lucky enough to see the quarterfinal matches of Madison Keys v. Kaia Kanepi and Roger Federer v. Juan Martin del Potro. Some things I learned from my first foray into the tennis world:

Why can't all sports be in Arthur Ashe Stadium?

It's gorgeous and the roof opens and closes depending on the weather (don't we all though). It's also enormous and can hold more than 23,000 bougie ass people dressed in polos and boat shoes. I have honestly never experienced more khakis and Vineyard Vines and sweater capes (when people tie sweaters around their necks) in one place before. That's saying a lot because I've been to the Hamptons and I went to college in the south, aka, sweater cape heaven. Nonetheless, every seat has a pretty sweet view and you don't have to worry about rain or wind or fucking pigeons blowing in the wind toward you. This is how all sports should be experienced.

Tennis players are fit, but not as top heavy as I would expect

This sounds so scientific because I am a very fact-based individual. I had no idea how hard they hit those balls (hehe balls, grow up you guys). Both the men and women had serves well over 100 mph, so nearly as fast as me driving to Zefron's house after his security gate's code is leaked online. Because of this, I just expected their upper bodies to be a little Hulk like, but anyway here's Roger Federer:

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Let the record show that I'm not body shaming, merely sharing my surprise. 

UPDATE: I just found out Federer made $67 million in 2016, making him the fourth highest-paid athlete in the world, so as it turns out I love tennis bod.

It's a very sweaty affair

And not just from the meat sweats I get after eating 150 chicken fingers. The players looked like they were soaked. At one point, del Potro changed his shirt. Full disclosure, I didn't know how taxing tennis was. Maybe because movies tell me that Nilla Wafers like Kirsten Dunst finish a match with every hair and eyelash in place and negative amounts of sweat (but like "Wimbledon" was kind of a good movie, so whatever). 

There is no halftime show

The fact that Serena didn't show up at halftime to play in a match against her new baby was really disappointing. And to make matters worse, BEYONCE DID NOT SHOW UP. What even is the point in going to a sporting event if Beyonce isn't there? I'll offer this as feedback to the World Tennis Association.

I think I want to be Madison Keys?

Okay and not just because she has flawless skin that I could see from miles away, but also because she's 22, was the first American woman to debut in the top 10 since Serena, is coached by hall of fame HBIC tennis legend Lindsay Davenport and to top it off, she's humble AF. After she won her match in two straight sets, she just said how excited she was for four American women to be in the semis.

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Here's a shot of her almost doing a split while sliding for a shot. A split. You guys. Have you ever accidentally fell into a split position because it's not as delightful as it sounds. If (literally) placed into that position I assume my inner thigh muscles would say "I quit" and exit the legs. I have a lot to learn and stretch if I want to be Madison when I grow younger.

This is the first semifinal featuring all U.S. women since 1981

Reminder that the glorious year of 1981 also gave us the births of our Lord and Savior, Beyonce, and Saint Serena Williams. They both approve of this semifinal. Venus Williams! Sloane Stephens! Coco Vandeweghe! Madison Keys! I love this and it inspires me to actually learn tennis and not just through Wii Sports.

UPDATE: Madison beat Coco in two straight sets to advance and Sloane Stephens came through with the underdog win and beat Venus! For some background, Sloane is 24, came into the U.S. Open ranked 83, and the point here is she's a boss ass bitch, an amazing player whose net game is insane plus she's gorg and I have the receipts:

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It's best to bring binoculars

Per a ham sandwich throwing incident with Katy Perry at a Brooklyn Nets game, I am banned from front row seats at most events featuring humans. But, binoculars rectified the distance issue, allowing me to watch Katie Couric chat with her husband. I also stared for an unreasonable amount of time at a woman who looked like Yolanda Hadid and for coolness factor, let's just say it was her. With my Pandora's Box of creep fully open, I also found James Franco. He was wearing all black while having an oddly intense conversation with the guy seated next to him. Based on his serious demeanor and hand gestures, I'm positive he was listing reasons why Danity Kane is the greatest girl group of all time. Here are my extra HQ shots of both of them:

I know, you're wondering why People magazine and The New York Times haven't asked me for these exclusive shots because the clarity and up-closeness are quite professional. It's important for me to divulge that I quite literally found James Franco using my creeper senses. I was randomly browsing an area of the crowd with binoculars, as one does, and spotted him immediately. If that isn't a marketable skill, I don't know what is. 

And lastly, a summary of how tennis scoring works

Okay so basically the court looks like four Pop-Tarts laid together with two breadsticks on each side. For singles matches, the breadsticks are just for show because if you single you shouldn't be in the breadsticks. 

Serving: If you stand on the left side of the horizontal Pop-Tart, you have to hit into the vertical Pop-Tart on the right, and vice-versa. You get two chances to get into the Pop-Tart. If the ball goes out of bounds, some random man in a folding chair yells "AHHHHH" and your opponent gets a point. Also at this time and any time a ball goes out of bounds, a small child darts onto the court to retrieve the ball like some sort of frantic Hungry Hungry Hippo game.

Points: So you get 15, then 30, then random as fuck 40, then game point to win the game. You have to win 6 games to win the set and then 2 (for ladies) or 3 (for guys) sets to win the match. As a note, if y'all are tied at 40, they don't call this Jay-Z's 40/40 club, instead, they call it "Deuce," because alluding to poop seems much better.

Tie-Breaker: This happens when it's already 11 p.m. and you're dying to go to sleep but two men insist on making a match longer. Federer and del Potro did this when they were tied at 6 games a piece in the third set. There was lots of rallying and honestly it was exciting but made me realize tennis scoring is like a Russian nesting doll. You get points which count for points which then count for points which, SHOCKER, count for points. POINTS IN POINTS IN POINTS.

Winning: Apparently, if you win you have to pose like Tim Robbins in "Shawshank Redemption" when he finally escapes.

I don't find this nearly extra enough. I've given this a lot of thought so as to be prepared for when I win a U.S. Open match, and decided on these two moves as my winner finishers:

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And that's it! I've now been to a major tennis tournament and I'm a converted fan and I don't know, I guess I'll probably be hanging out with Serena and Venus soon enough. Will keep you posted.

Let me know if y'all have something you'd like me to try, which disclaimer, this request has to somehow involve celebrities and/or food. Or both if you're creative. See you next Sunday for the Emmys!