What did we learn from the 2019 SAG Awards?

If every other awards show is a crock pot meal that takes HOURS to finish, the SAG Awards are Chipotle. In and out (both the restaurant and your body) in a short period of time and extremely satisfying. There is no real red carpet show (sorry "People TV" hosting a pre-show on Twitter) and they are REALLY on time. I love a good case of efficiency.

So let's jump in!

Standard yelling about Gemma Chan

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Ummm who gave Gemma Chan the right to make everyone else at this show look like a bridge troll? Can you guys believe she invented pink dresses? I'm screaming. I have never wanted to buy a dress that seems to be made of parrot or flamingo or flamingo parrot more in my life. But wait! It gets better:

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THIS B JUST STYLED HER HAIR IN A LOW, MESSY PONYTAIL. How does she even do it. Anytime I wear a low ponytail I look like a colonial man. Okay and I cannot even get into a scream thesis about her brows because this post will go on forever. The overall point here (and in all of my awards show posts this season) is Gemma Chan is flawless and we are all just raccoons digging in the garbage in comparison.

And I will never forgive the SAG Awards for seating her at the backend of the "Crazy Rich Asians" table.

Like, who is that woman at the front? And why is Eddie Huang also near the front? And why is Henry Golding wearing that fugly bronze-colored jacket? Everything is terrible. And GChan is so far back that she had to raise her arms when I yelled from my living room "WHERE IS GEMMA CHAN?"

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE.

The SAG Awards introduced this group as "the cast of Crazy Rich Asians" and yet, NO GEMMA CHAN IS ANYWHERE ON THAT STAGE. And maybe you're thinking "Well stop screaming Kristi, it's just the film's leads who are up there" BUT WRONG AGAIN, YOU WRONGASAURUS REX. Ken Jeong is by no means one of the "stars" of the movie.

Okay we have to move on, why do you all insist I yell about this topic so much.

When your parents make you come to an awards show

Lil' Timothee Chalamet in the background actually reading the program they hand out while his parents, John Krasinski and Emily Blunt, remind us that we are obsessed with them. Do you think their house is just a bunch of mirrors? Because I know if I were them, I would just want to see us all the time. There's a saying that "God doesn't give with both hands" but in their case, he gave with both hands and feet and threw in all of the good stuff brewing in the back.

Emily won female actor in a supporting role for "The Quiet Place" and when she thanked John, HE STARTED CRYING:

And I did too, both for the emotion and also for that piece of fish in the background that he seems to have not finished. I can literally taste the lemon pepper just looking at it.

"I need all of you in this room for inspiration"

I assume by "this room" Mahershala means my apartment and by "all of you" he means me and all my chins eating this Chinese takeout in sweatpants. Mahershala accepted male actor in a supporting role for "Green Book" wearing this fine ass maroon suit and look, am I saying that we used to date? Yes. That is exactly what I'm saying and what my resume reflects so please tell everyone.

Twinsters

Darren Criss is just Jesse Bradford had his career materialized past "Bring It On." Darren won the award for male actor in a TV movie or miniseries for "Assassination of Gianni Versace" and I'm pretty sure Jesse Bradford won a Teen Choice Award at some point in his life so they're on pretty equal ground.

Rachel Brosnahan looking just like Kacey Musgraves, who history books have told us invented the middle part. Rachel and Mrs. Maisel swept the comedy awards and I'm not diving into my dissatisfaction with that again, but rather, I'd like to offer something positive:

UMMM RACHEL BROSNAHAN'S HUSBAND IS FINE AS HELL. With his little Clark Kent glasses. And that's it. That's my huge compliment for Mrs. Maisel.

Can you guys let me know

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This is Adam Driver's performance of me trying to decide if I like Adam Driver. I'm having such an internal struggle — is he good looking? Is there something goofy about him? Should I date him just to find out? STAY TUNED.

Obligatory "OMG IT'S ANDREA FROM 90210" moment

When I see her, I immediately hear that electric guitar of 90210's opening song. Who would have guessed Andrea Zuckerman would go from being editor of the school newspaper to being president of SAG-AFTRA? Some high schools' career prep classes are just way better than others I guess.

Here's the thing about Amy Adams

She's kind of like the baked chicken of awards show season. Always on the menu but never something you're like OMG THE BAKED CHICKEN IS AMAZING about because baked chicken in its essence can not be amazing. It is reliably good. And that's it. Anyway, baked chicken lost again this year, but we'll see her at the Oscars and probably every year she does a movie until they finally decide enough is enough and give her an award (à la Leo DiCaprio).

And here's the thing about Sandra Oh

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WE DON'T DESERVE HER. And she obviously won female actor in a drama series. And she is the only one who can pull off a bun and 80s wavy bangs.

Trust no bitch

I think I've made it very clear to you and my therapist that I have a hard time distinguishing TV from reality. So you can understand why I hate Joseph Fiennes, aka, THE MOFO COMMANDER FROM "A HANDMAID'S TALE." Doesn't it just look like he's making some sort of creepy "MMMM" noise? He looks like he whispers a lot. And has really soft hands, but in a creepy way. Let's just all just agree to stay away from him.

Oh, come on Mandy

So "This Is Us" won the award for ensemble in a drama series meaning Mandy Moore got a microphone and what did she do with that time, might you ask? Well, she did not do what we were all hoping she would — give us an acoustic performance of "Candy." Or honestly, we would've welcomed any of the emotional songs from "A Walk to Remember" or that one song from "Center Stage" OR WAIT. No, she should've revived this bop:

Y'ALL. I just watched this video in its entirety for the first time in at least 15 years and I'm dying. That hair. The outfits. Based on the supreme acting exhibited in this, we should've known she was bound for greatness.

Still eating that Lifesaver

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I have now accepted the fact that I would like for Rami Malek to stalk me. That is how every great love story begins. I bet I would wake up so many times to find him watching me sleep and he'd be like "I like watching you breathe" and I'd be like "Omg babe, so cute, love you too" and we'd live creepily ever after.

Also he won male actor in a leading role and I have a feeling he'll win the Oscar. My lil' creep boo!

Speaking of the men in my life

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Michael B. Jordan showed up in this floral Louis Vuitton harness over an impeccably fitted navy suit and what's important to note about this fashion situation is: This man could wear a tank top made of shredded carrots and I'd be like CARROTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR EYES. Wait, wow that worked out well. It's like he pulled up to the show and someone at the entrance lied to him and said everyone was required to wear a harness to get in. But again, I don't hate it because clothes of every material were made to be worn by Michael B. Jordan. In fact, I myself am a T-shirt so does anyone know how I can get to his house.

And that's it! A solid 2-hour show. If you want a full list of the actual winners, you can find them here.

See y'all tomorrow for fodder on The Bachelor! Til then, find me taking all of the pretzel samples from Auntie Anne's and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).