Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's recap is brought to you by Kirpa sporting a coffee-shop-poetry-slam look while staring straight into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" and she just realized how terrible everything is.
Um also this is apparently what she looks like without makeup which is outright rude and I would like to sue because my brows have been robbed.

Aaargh you kidding me
Haha, y'all are so lucky to have me. The first group date takes place at what appears to be the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. The ladies put on pirate costumes and proceed to lightly dab each other with giant Q-Tips while Colton watches dressed as a character from a low-budget pirate porno:
Miss North Carolina ends up winning the cotton swab contest and blah blah all I could focus on was the fact that one of their pirate "teachers" looked like Screech:

When you call someone out and they end up getting the group date rose
The drama between Alabama and North Carolina continues during the evening portion of the group date as Alabama realizes she can no longer keep her nondescript dislike for Carolina to herself. She offers Colton the most vague and confusing explanation as to why she doesn't like Caelynn that in summary is essentially "I don't like her." Complex, I know.

Colton is also confused and pulls Caelynn aside for clarification. She confirms they had a falling out but that she's had real shit happen in her life. Meanwhile, this "rivalry" seems to be the Tang fueling Alabama's breakfast every morning. Anyway, Colton ends up giving North Carolina the rose because that is the most dramatic thing to do.

But wait, we're not done with this!

"I'm a tank of rage"
Hannah and Caelynn's "feud" comes up again during the pre-Rose Ceremony pool party (I hate myself for typing that) when Caelynn finally tells Colton why she doesn't like Alabama - saying Hannah started talking shit about her after she beat her in the Miss USA pageant. She also says she's manipulative and toxic. Colton then talks to Hannah who's like "NOT UH! Caelynn is toxic! And manipulative! Just freakin trust me!" She then proceeds to make this face while saying she's full or rage and this is all completely normal and doesn't convince me to believe North Carolina over her at all.
They both end up getting roses meaning we have to continue living in this Miss USA Groundhog Day.

Wow still so courageous
Elyse continues her streak of bravery of being 31 on TV during the one-on-one date. She and Colton spend the day at an amusement park with kids from a children's hospital and it's actually pretty sweet. Only made stupid by the fact that Elyse cannot keep reminding Colton that she is 31. She keeps saying "I don't know if we're on the same page" and "I'm just unsure about how the age difference will play out." Girl. Calm down and stop acting like you signed the Declaration of Independence, y'all are five years apart.

She's so busy recounting her days on the Oregon Trail that she completely misses the literal red flag that he's a bad kisser:
They continue kissing badly during dinner at the show's usual spot - the bottom of the Titanic staircase:
And in keeping with the copy/paste nature of these Bachelor dates, Colton says he "has another surprise." Spoiler alert: The "surprise" is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS a vaguely country music band playing some ballad while the couple dances in front of a huge group of strangers:
The show does this slow dancing thing EVERY SEASON and call me traditional, but I don't want to dance in front of a bunch of strangers unless "Work From Home" is playing and it's a day of the week that ends in Y and omg jk I love dancing in front of strangers (but not for money anymore).

Bri is definitely heading to Bachelor in Paradise
I have been a Bri fan since she entered the show with a fake Australian accent that lasted one episode. Then we never heard from her again, but that was only because she was extremely busy SERVING THESE LEWKS. This pool party look! Those gold hoops! That headband! I have been a staunch supporter of headbands since Blair Waldorf invented them on "Gossip Girl" in 2007 and Chrissy Teigen popularized them on vacation last year (that is the complete history of headbands).

Bri ends up not getting a rose this week because I'm pretty sure she hasn't talked to Colton since meeting him. Before leaving, she checked the oven and pulled out one last look to serve:
Her glam updo is always how I picture myself looking in a ponytail, when in reality I look like this:
See you on Bachelor in Paradise, Bri!

Okay we get it, you have a torso
For the second group date, Colton greets the ladies looking like a baby that just pooped in the toilet for the first time:
And the ladies all scream like they have never seen a shirtless man before, which, Zac Efron did not dedicate his entire career to being a horrible but perfectly chiseled actor for such disrespect. Anyway, Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews let the girls know they're about to participate in a "Bachelor Strongest Woman" competition, which most of their Lululemon leggings are not prepared for. They do a bunch of indoor activities first and Sydney uses that time for some casual stretching:
ABC makes these people do the cheesiest, cliche things. I'm shocked they haven't rolled out a pottery wheel to have one of the ladies make a bowl with Colton like in "Ghost."

The best part of this whole indoor waste of time is Rebecca's face as Nicole attempts a pull-up:
What you can't see happening in this particular shot is Catherine "helping" Nicole by pushing her up by the ass. It's like you can hear Rebecca saying "What the hell am I doing here."

Onyeka ends up winning the actual "competition," beating Sydney and Catherine. The super awesome prize is this $2.99 trophy that I'm sure some poor production assistant had to run out to Target to buy.
After this rigorous day of pure athleticism, the ladies head to the evening portion of the date where they all share 8 grapes and 2 slices of cheese:
WHAT THE HELL?? If this was the only food provided to me after an EXHAUSTING day of carrying balls, I would eat the rose. And maybe that pound cake looking candle.

Last name: Hungry. First name: Always. (And FYI Nicole ends up getting the group date rose)

Who is this
I literally forgot who this was and made a note to "find out who middle-part girl is." As it turns out, it doesn't matter because Colton doesn't remember her either and ends up sending her home at the end of the group date. This is after they have a riveting conversation in which she really opens up by telling him "My life has been good." HOW CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE HOME WHO JUST BARED THEIR SOUL LIKE THAT?

He tries to hold her hand while escorting her out and she's like NAH BRUH and luckily her Uber is waiting for her when they get outside.
This creepy shot of Colton watching Middle-Part leave reminds me of the fugly outfit he wears during this group date...

When you've got The Bachelor at 8, but have to sell used cars at 10
Whose man is this.

Wait what
Okay look, I am not one to judge except wait what is this? A robe and a gavel and here comes the judgement:
THAT GIRL ON THE LEFT IS ALSO DEMI. I had no idea who she was at first - I assumed one of the show's producers was just hanging out with the ladies. But nope. Throw on a tube of liquid liner and a heap of smoky eye and it's our very own kookaburra! Again, full disclaimer that I only judge in situations where I have an opinion to loudly share. Only in those circumstances.

Demi continues her rude ass crazypants streak this week by first insulting Tracy, saying she "can't imagine what it must be like for an older woman to be here," which okay yes that is rude but also LOLOLOLOL. As an older woman, I can confirm I would die laughing at this. And also actually die because there is nothing more hurtful than a youth calling you out.

She next uses her time with Colton to blindfold and spank him:
She thinks she is the only one who "challenges" Colton and believes she makes him nervous, which in her defense, he does look nervous every time she comes around. But like, in the same way that someone who just ate raw chicken is nervous - generally uneasy and unsure about what is about to happen.

What even is the temperature
In one shot, we see Nicole in summer clothes and Hannah in winter ones. Wtf. Is the Bachelor mansion so big that half of it is in Alaska and the other half is in Hawaii? A truly amazing show.

And that's it! See you next week when the group heads to Singapore because it's good for us to see them all being offensive in an international setting. Til then, find me yelling "THESE HURT MY MOUTH" while eating a whole bag of salt & vinegar chips and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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