Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

Welcome to season 4,883 of The Bachelor! I don't know about you, but the most reoccurring thought I always have is - why aren't episodes of The Bachelor longer? NOT. NO HUMAN HAS EVER THOUGHT THAT IN THE HISTORY OF THOUGHTS. Yet this year, ABC stepped up to meet this request no one made to give us a THREE-HOUR PREMIERE. Which, okay if it was three hours of actual, dramatic content that would be somewhat fine. But no no, we don't have tickets for the efficiency train here. We're on the train made of random bits of trash and paper and oh god it's on fire!

This week's episode was the epitome of a meeting that could've been an email. So let's dive in head first since our brain is empty because the show has killed all of our brain cells!

How this episode was 3 hours long
They hosted watch parties in a bunch of different places because there's nothing like watching people watch TV. I can't decide who is stealing this moment more - girl in the front in a jacket made of Goldendoodle or Brittany Snow lookalike to the right of Chris Harrison posing for her senior portrait. Wait, it's absolutely that 8 ft. tall guy in the button down.

Former Bachelorettes Katilyn and Maren Morris, I mean, Jojo Fletcher hosted the party in Dallas and anyway here's how they felt about it:
I know y'all probably think I'm petty, but that is literally the random screenshot I took. I can't control fate.

Two dudes Becca dumped hosted the party in someone's house:
Jason and Blake are both handsome guys but that doesn't mean we should give them microphones to host something. CAN WE ALSO ADDRESS THAT DUDE IN THE BACK LEFT:
HAHA WHAT EVEN. IS THAT A GHOST? Forced to haunt Bachelor premiere parties as punishment.

To continue this list of super A-listers, crying Ashley and Jared hosted a party in Salt Lake City where people had signs that included these two highlights:

I'm dying at that woman literally scream cheering while holding a sign that says she loves virgins.

Speaking of virgins...

Colton is a virgin, did you guys know
I planned to keep track of how many times they said "virgin" this season, but holy shit that is too cumbersome because it's mentioned every two minutes. Here's a summary of the first five minutes of the show:

"The first virgin in Bachelor history is Colton, who is a virgin. Virgin is Colton. He has decided to be a virgin because to be a virgin you have to virgin. Virgin. He's just a virgin looking for love!"

During the "Meet Colton" portion of the episode, we learn that he likes to shower, then workout shirtless, then shower again. A real Renaissance man.
Um look and not to be a buzzkill, but he didn't even use soap or a loofah in either shower scene. I bet he's one of those guys who just sprays himself with Axe and calls it a day.

Also want to remind you that Colton is a horrible kisser. We saw him weirdly kiss Becca for an entire season, then listened to Tia ask him to "use his tongue" during Bachelor in Paradise. Here are a couple of the lucky (read: not lucky) ladies who got to experience his kissing expertise:
I mean, yes this is an exponential improvement from the visual assault we received with Arie, but still. It's like he read some sort of kissing manual from the 1950s that mentioned "puckering" and it just really stuck.

Before we get off the topic of Tia...

The Tia Factor
Before we get to the ladies, we have to address the Weiner in the room because we're in this weird loop where the producers and Colton sort of shade Tia while also constantly mentioning her. Chris Harrison says he can "guarantee Tia won't show up" and later Colton asks Miss Alabama where she's from, adding "....not from Arkansas right." CAN WE JUST LET TIA LIVE?? DAMN.

That being said, I bet 400 doll hairs that she will make an appearance at some point and not to be predictable, but I'll probably scream about it.

Let's get to the ladies!

I know it's going to be hard for us to find someone in our North Carolina heart to replace Jenna, but Caelynn is here to do it. She's actually from Virginia but moved to North Carolina a couple years ago and then won Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was first runner-up for Miss USA. That'd be like if I had never performed surgery before then became the world's second best surgeon. That's exactly what it would be like, that metaphor is onpoint.

Anyway, she's cool and not just because she kind of looks like Chrissy Teigen (actually that's 96% of it). I predict she'll make it to at least the top 8. I also predict that when she goes home I'll be dramatic and use all caps lock and say the show hates North Carolina.

She actually ends up getting the first kiss of the season and we get to see it from this totally non-creepy viewpoint behind a statue and some bushes:

Hi random man I just met, here's my dog
Catherine is from Florida and is a DJ, which I think is the second most popular occupation in the state (bird being the first). She is one of those women who calls her dog her "child," which I assume means she kisses it on the mouth. She shows up and gives her dog to Colton because that is a completely normal thing to do. Look at that dog. Can't you just hear it screaming HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME.

During the evening, she steals Colton away several times, which enrages Onyeka, who appoints herself spokesperson for the women to let Catherine know she's being inconsiderate.

They have one of the most hilarious "confrontations" ever, in which both of them creepily smiles the entire time while being wildly passive aggressive.
A summary of their conversation:

Onyeka: Stop stealing Colton away, it's rude to the other girls who haven't talk to him
Catherine: I'm not being rude
Onyeka: You're wrong
Catherine: You're wrong
Onyeka: Okay great I'm glad we talked! Let's hug!

And they hug but then, gasp! Even after their talk, Catherine steals Colton away again! But they hugged! I cannot believe that she would go back on a hug! She later gets the last rose of the night because this show loves to be predictable.

Just want to be clear here that I think Catherine is a kookaburra, meaning the show is absolutely going to keep rude ass around for a good chunk of the season to cause drama. Thanks, ABC.

You can't have just one beauty queen

Hannah B. was Miss Alabama 2018, meaning she knows Chrissy Teigen lookalike. From her bio, we learn that she "likes it when her date opens all the doors and pull her chair out for her" and her favorite music is country. I AM SHOCKED. Colton of course likes her southern accent (cough Tia), but she is pretty shy about stealing his time during the night.

Near the end, she kind starts to panic and get annoyed that she hasn't been able to chat with him:
She gets a rose and I find her kind of entertaining. Based purely on the fact that she got an entire intro piece, I assume she'll make it to at least the top 8.

This was funny, then not, then really not

Alex D. first meets Colton dressed as a sloth, playing into the fact that he "takes it slow." And it's actually pretty funny. For the first 2 minutes. But she keeps the bit going for what seems like the duration of a Game of Thrones episode. I'd show you what she looks like outside of the costume but it doesn't matter because Colton doesn't give her a rose.

Wait, does this mean I can't be on the show now

This season, there are TWO Asians (Revian and Sydney). That is a 400% increase from past seasons (don't question me, I got a C+ in pre-calc).

Revian is an esthetician who I'm thinking showed up with blonde hair because she thought it would increase her chances of being on the show longer. Sadly, her plan doesn't work out and she doesn't get a rose during the first ceremony.

The topic of blonde Asians reminds me of this incident while I was a part of a group in college that rhymes with "forority." While interviewing potential new ladies, this girl made a comment insinuating that Asians dying their hair blonde was such a stupid trend and just a way for Asians to attempt to be more white. Meanwhile, I was sitting there blonde and Asian. RIP me.

Back to the show - Sydney gets a rose! She's a former dancer for the Knicks who uses her time with Colton to teach his rigid awkward body to dance:
And by "dance" I mean move in a square because dear lord none of us want to see him actually do any sort of dancing that involves his hips.

If you think I'm going to root for Sydney just because she's Asian, then you bet your Crazy Rich Asian ass I am.

Kirpa is a dental hygienist meaning she has an actual job but even more of note: THOSE BROWS! THAT HAIR! Girl. She should be using those brows to make the world a better place. In her intro piece, they show her family and they're sweet and I hope she makes it to the top 5 so she has a shot at being the next Bachelorette instead of wasting those beach waves on vanilla ass Colton.

Also too good for this show
I like Cassie and not just because she only packed a pair of boots in her intro montage. Like look at that empty suitcase. These women have to pack for 12 weeks, accounting for ANY TYPE OF WEATHER and yet Cassie is only bringing boots. Brave.

Anyway, she's a speech pathologist and per her Bachelor bio, "a true Californian," which I assume means she is an In-n-Out burger. Something about her reminds me of Taxidermy Kendall from Arie's season, except Cassie isn't weird. Or well, I guess we don't know that yet. But for now, she seems relatively normal so I find it absolutely baffling that she's on this dumpster fire show.

When you get the first impression rose
Hannahs are the Laurens of this season, so this is Hannah G. Colton gives her the first impression rose because she "reminds him of home." Hannah says this is her "dream come true," which um okay sure, I mean, what girl hasn't put "GET FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE FROM THE VIRGIN BACHELOR" on her vision board?

She is definitely making it into the top 4.

Speaking of Laurens...

To eat up part of this 3-hour episode, we get to see old Bach couples with their kids, which includes Arie's boiled chicken looking ass because he and Lauren are expecting. Haven't we suffered enough. He's like that weird piece of tag that you can't cut off of your shirt that is constantly irritating you. LEAVE US BE, SATAN.

Places I don't want to be proposed to at: A Bachelor premiere party
Something else we didn't ask for but get anyway is two proposals.

This guy proposes at Ashley and Jared's party (which btw, Jared kept calling Colton "Colon," so someone should maybe tell him that Colton is a man and not an organ):
I want to make it clear that there are a few places that we as a human race have determined are inappropriate to propose at:

1) Inside a port-a-potty
2) At a funeral
3) When the waiter has just brought out fresh biscuits

The woman obviously said yes but I assume yelled at the dude on the ride home for pulling this shit.

This guy also proposes to his pregnant girlfriend at the party hosted by Jason and Blake:
I love how that woman in the red on the left and lady in the black on the right are weeping, while this older woman in the lower right corner is like "dude can you move, I can't actually see the TV." This lady also said yes to the proposal, but let's be honest, a no would've been much more interesting for TV.

Ending this week's post by giving this random blonde audience member a shout-out.
She is apparently standing on some sort of platform to make her 5 ft. taller than everyone else. She stared intensely into the camera the entire time, aside from this specific moment when she needed to rest her heavy ass lashes. Cheers to you, really tall, non-blinking lady!

Really excited to wade through this trash river with you all again. See you next week! Til then, find me eating all of the chocolate out of the trail mix and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

No comments:

Post a Comment