Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by Kirpa, once again staring into the camera Office-style, as she realizes she gets to go to an amazing international location but it's with these ding dongs.
We're in Singapore this week!

When you're trying to figure out what a phlebotomist is
I'm being serious here, do you think if we asked Colton to spell "phlebotomist," he'd be like "Okay, F-L...."

So phlebotomist Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date in Singapore and it's actually one of the cooler dates. I mean, after we get past this first part that includes them both walking up to the ocean then being shocked that it gets their shoes wet. Water is crazy like that, y'all.
They go bungee jumping off this big ass tower because who doesn't want to risk their life in a foreign country with a vanilla yogurt of a man you met 2 weeks ago. Hooray! FYI it does look pretty fun and they yell sweet nothings at each other like "Don't die."

Later they go to dinner at the usual Pottery Barn-inspired setup:
Tayshia tells Colton that she recently got divorced after marrying her first boyfriend. Colton replies with something like "aw" and "thank you for sharing" because as much as he tries to be deep and emotional, this man is about as profound as a wet tissue. And I want to note that it kills me how the ladies on this series ALWAYS look their best — like they go all out with their dresses, hair and make-up and the dudes (in this case Colton) ALWAYS look like frat bros getting somewhat dressed up for a date at Panera:
Oh wow, went really formal with the light pink. Wow. He of course gives her a rose and kisses her with his lips that look like two fish swimming in opposite directions.

"I feel like his attention is on all the girls"
Yes Alabama, that is how the group date works. So the ladies whose names Colton can't remember get to go on a group date at a local market. They proceed to walk around like a bunch of little kids swarming around the ball during a youth soccer match (except Colton is the ball) and at some point thirsty ass Demi jumps on Colton's back. Which I'm sure is exactly what he wants in 80-degree temps with 200% humidity.
To be honest, at this point, I wouldn't even care about getting a rose. You've won a free trip to Singapore, enjoy it! Go find a Crazy Rich Asian!

They then see this sign and I mean how can you pass up a random sign propped up on some pipes touting a "leech lady"?
So the group ventures into this random room where a woman is putting leeches on people. You can't knock her very literal marketing tactics. Heather reacts as such:
Post-leeching, they settle in for some "exotic" cuisine that includes totally insane things like....frog legs. And chicken feet. AKA THE MOST DELICIOUS THINGS AT DIM SUM. And this is Hannah G.'s reaction to the food festivities:
I mean this in the sweetest way possible, but based on her facial expression and general whiteness, I feel it's safe to say the most exotic thing Hannah has ever eaten is the Asian chicken salad from Cheesecake Factory. And even then, she asks for the "Asian" on the side.

Meanwhile, my main girl Kirpa dives into this pig's foot because she ain't no chump.
They conclude the lunch portion of the date by cheersing with glasses of Pepto Bismol:

The point in the night where they all wait in line to make out with Colton
Onto the evening portion of this shit show, Miss Alabama steals Colton away to very casually and calmly talk to him again about the dramatic situation between her and North Carolina (which, btw, they settled their differences this week so they're not enemies anymore, just frenemies).
He looks totally unafraid as she grips the chair behind him like a hawk holding a helpless mouse in its talons.

Then it's Cassie's turn and she's like check out this new toga I got:
They kiss horribly for a bit and make a joke about how a fortune teller told them earlier in the day they were siblings in another life. And Colton comments "That's not a kiss a sister would give," because I guess he used to kiss his sister a lot.

Next is our little kookaburra Demi who shares with Colton that her mom is "stuck in a place she doesn't really want to be," aka prison, which I don't know, maybe her mom shouldn't have committed a felony. Just a thought. Colton thanks her for sharing because he is apparently a kindergarten teacher facilitating show-and-tell. And then we get this which is probably the most terrifying thing I've witnessed all year:
While all this making out is happening, Courtney is freaking out because she hasn't talked Colton.
Here's a summary:

Courtney: I'm just worried because everyone else has gotten time with him
Demi: Okay, well go grab him now then
Courtney: I just want to talk to him
Demi: Oh okay, well no one is talking to him now why don't you go talk to him
Courtney: It's just like I want to talk to him you know

After Courtney spends 14 days talking about wanting to talk to Colton instead of actually talking to him, Demi goes to steal him away again. This angers Courtney and her and Demi have a stupid exchange of comments and blah blah, Demi gets the group date rose.

When you're totally okay with Caelynn getting the one-on-one
Hannah doesn't care, omg Hannah doesn't think about Caelynn at all except every minute of every day. But that's it.

So North Carolina wins again, I mean, Caelynn gets the one-on-one that is THE best date of every Bachelor season — the one where the show, I mean the Bachelor, takes the girl on a shopping trip. They go around to all of these stores and Caelynn tries on a bunch of clothes for Colton like this is some sort of montage from "Pretty Woman." And this wouldn't be a standard day at the mall if they didn't make out like this!
In all my time on this planet, I have never felt the need to grab onto my man like a spider monkey in the middle of a Forever21. Maybe I don't know what real love is.

She then returns to the house looking like a contestant from "Supermarket Sweep," to flaunt her goods.
About 105% of the house is on the verge of bursting into tears because their "boyfriend" (read: not their boyfriend, he is the Bachelor which literally means single) bought another woman gifts! Cassie actually does burst into tears but is still sweet about trying to convince herself to be legitimately happy for Caelynn:

Anyway, while the girls are weeping, Caelynn changes into a gown that looks exactly like Keira Knightley's green dress from "Atonement" and heads to dinner with Colton.

During dinner, she shares that she was sexually assaulted in college and it's horrifying and honestly Caelynn is far too good for this show. She talks about how it has impacted her relationships and the courage this girl has is unbelievable.

Colton gives her a rose and they end the date looking like a couple from a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Everything is terrible
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Demi, who already has a rose, decides it's shit-talking o'clock and tells Colton that Courtney is "the cancer of the house." Good lord. I mean, we know that Demi is petty and kind of dumb and rude, but this is terrible. Courtney then FINALLY speaks with Colton who lets her know off-the-bat what Demi said. She in turn says "No, Demi is the cancer of the house" and the lesson here is these women are not good at comebacks. Colton then says this is his "worst nightmare," which ok calm down, a herd of clowns singing Nickelback songs would be way worse.

Demi and Courtney then get into another confrontation where they both avoid eye contact while hurling stupid insults at each other and let's just let Kirpa's reaction speak for all of us:
At the Rose Ceremony, ABC gives us one last dramatic shot of Demi and Courtney and I mean, based on this shot, we'll never know why Courtney accused Demi of being immature.
Who even knows where that rose came from and how many Doritos-crusted fingers have touched it. In the end, Tracy and Courtney go home without roses. But again, they just got a free trip to Singapore which is infinitely better than spending an eternity with Colton. So who's the real winner.

Before I end this post, I have to get one very important thing off my chest:

Okay, thank you. See you all next week as we all continue waiting for this trash chute of a show to give us the scene where Colton jumps a fence. Til then, find me requesting Danity Kane at the DJ booth and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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