Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF (the mention of) MY GIRL TIA!

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We'll dive into why her name came up later.

Shirtless Men + Alcohol = Classic Group Date

In general I find these early group dates exhausting because there's 500 dudes and they're all like carp in a pond trying to get to those food pellets (except the pellets are the Bachelorette). But I didn't mind this group date for reasons I'll let you figure out on your own. The guys arrived to this cute little house to find they were being fitted for nice tuxedos and let's just let Becca take us on this journey:

"Omg, hot men are changing, I'll look away because I am ever so polite and shy"

"Why, what is this? Booze?"

"BRING ME ALL THE HALF-NAKED MEN IMMEDIATELY WOOOOOOO"

So all of the six packs got fancy and headed outside to be greeted by these cheese balls:

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Yes Rachel, we all remember you as the idiot who went with your second choice guy who has cheek implants, hair plugs and an overall creep aura because you needed an immediate proposal instead of a FINE ASS PETER THAT AGES BETTER THAN WINE. Anyway, she let the guys know they'd have to go through this obstacle course that was apparently supposed to be symbolic of the things you go through leading into marriage.

Becca said she needed to "see if they have what it takes to be marriage material," because nothing proves a man's loyalty and maturity than making him wear an expensive ass suit to roll around in mud before using his face as a shovel to dig through cake.

You'll be shocked to learn that I've never eaten a cake with just my face, but it seems like it'd be a really educational and immersive experience. In the end, British guy Lincoln wins and we move on to the actual date part of the evening wherein they all cheers with drinks none of them will drink and that I can assume are just water with food coloring and soap bubbles.

The battle of the chests

The drama of the evening is presented by Lincoln and my favorite Connor. Lincoln brags about winning the group date challenge and is touting this photo that was taken of him and Becca after the win. Connor can't handle the fact that no one remembers he was in Clueless and eventually takes the FRAMED photo of Lincoln and Becca and throws it out the window. Which, okay yes rude, but also really hilarious. In general, reacting by throwing a small object kind of cracks me up. One time in college I was (perhaps drunk we'll never know) in a club and this guy I knew came up to me and my friends. He was wearing glasses and, as one does when presented with a person wearing glasses, I asked if I could try them on. Long story short, I tried them on then proceeded to throw them into the crowd. HAHA Y'ALL. INTO THE CROWD. Why anyone lets me hang out ever is beyond me.

Back to the point. After the picture throwing, Lincoln tells Becca about it and says he was looking forward to showing the pic to his mom and that now he feels physically threatened by Connor. But the real drama unfolding is WHO WILL SHOW MORE OF THEIR CHEST? I swear both of them had extra buttons sewn on their shirts just so they could unbutton them.

All of this drama mattered less than the opinion of someone who hates puppies as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Jean Blanc and we learn that kissing doesn't always have to look like a little fish being eaten by a big fish.

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Let's show how Becca is over Arie by constantly bringing up Arie and making the season about Arie

Tall glass of almond milk Blake gets the first one-on-one date. For the first part of it, they put on jumpsuits that Becca attempts to glamorize in the same way any 13-year-old girl would - by belting it and cuffing the pants of course! Where the hell did that belt come from? And more importantly, do you think I should get Timbaland boots?

They proceed to "bash Arie" by destroying a bunch of TVs replaying Becca and Arie's engagement, the couch he dumped her on, one of his old race cars and apparently champagne bottles because slapping shattered glass around really shows your ex what's up. And this entire portion is emceed by Lil Jon which isn't confusing at all.

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During the dinner portion of the date, Blake tells Becca that he fell fast for his last girlfriend and told her he loved her after only 2 months. He found out she planned to break up with him when he saw texts on her phone that said "Did you dump him yet," which daaaaamn. My little almond milk. Becca rewards his sweetness with a rose and some mouth-to-mouth and EVERYONE IGNORES THE BIGGEST, JUICIEST CHICKEN BREAST.

Pond of carp date #2
The other 500 dudes go on the second group date which begins with kids (read: child actors) pelting the guys with dodgeballs as Becca wears some sort of athletic shorts made of aluminum foil.

The guys play a game of dodgeball in the gym before changing into booty shorts to play dodgeball on trampolines and no one showed me their six pack so all-in-all everyone loses. Also this dude played the entire time WITH HIS HAIR DOWN.

Nothing confuses me more than working out with your hair down. It gets sweaty and sticks to your neck and face and is generally cockatoo crazy. His hair reminded me of this girl in high school who I used to play basketball against. She ALWAYS wore her hair down during games. I can't tell you how many times I almost ran up behind her and just surprise scrunchied her.

Drama with Colton happens during the group date, but I'll scream about that in just a second. Becca gives Wills the group date rose and all I want to talk about is how I thought the rose was being displayed on a plate with fried chicken wings and clams.

AND NOW THE TIA SECTION
Colton is stressing out during the evening portion of the group date and tells one of the other guys that he has to tell Becca something. I assumed he wanted to tell her that he used to date Aly Raisman, BUT NOPE. This is the face of a woman who just found out that one of her 50 boyfriends hooked up with one of her TV best friends just a couple months ago:

THAT'S RIGHT. Colton says that back in January, he and my main homegirl Tia "spent a weekend together." Which, I mean, who knows. Maybe they spent a weekend playing Connect Four (make your own dirty joke here) or reading Crazy Rich Asians or watching The Great British Bake Off. WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Becca is shook learning this and does the whole "can I trust him" thing and anyway here were my emotions during this reveal:

When Colton said he had "something to tell Becca":

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When Colton reveals he hooked up with Tia:

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When I realized this sucks for Becca but means we get more of Tia:

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This is all very 90210'ish and Becca of course draws out the drama by giving Colton the very last rose of the night. Sidenote: I love how Chris Harrison comes out IN EVERY EPISODE and says "This is the final rose" like duh dude, we can all see there is one rose left unless Becca is hiding one in her ass. Which, actually that'd be funny. Like you think she's given the last rose until she yells "BUTT WAIT, there's one more." No one steal this idea because I plan to do it on my season of The Bachelorette.

A cocktail party, indeed

Jordan, who pronounces "ingenuity" like IN-JOO-IN-A-TEE, decides that this is how he can creatively get Becca's attention. It was stupid and all the guys clearly hate him and honestly I'm only including this so I can make the "cock-tail" party joke.

I have no idea who this man is

Apparently his name is Alex. I do not remember him at all and now it doesn't matter because he got sent home. This was the best screenshot I got because during his goodbye interview I was sifting through my cookie dough brain for any memories of him. None. Except for this one now of him crying about leaving. Rickey and Trent also went home if those names ring any bells.

Best kiss of the week

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Becca kissed a few guys this week, but this one with Clay was smoother than a dolphin's body (ew, it feels weird to type "dolphin's body"). And he's adorable. He of course got a rose this week, as did my other faves Venmo-John and Lionel Messi-Connor. So good so far!

See you all next week! Til then you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First things first - how many times can my brain handle hearing this before exploding:

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I know Becca is already tired of saying it because even she knows you only say "Let's do the damn thing" in two situations: 1) While in Amsterdam and 2) If you are a beaver about to build a home.

Welcome to BKoof's season! She earned it after enduring a shit stain personified named Arie.

Throughout our journey (lololol), I may refer to her as Becca, Koof, Koofy or BK or anything else my brain comes up with, so please keep up. As is tradition, the episode began with a recap of Becca's life in Minneapolis, post-Arie, because we needed to be reminded that Becca is an independent woman who don't need no man! Except if offered one through the very same show that shat on her heart and embarrassed her on live television. Yay!

Before bringing out the beef cakes, Becca met with the last 3 Bachelorettes: Rachel, who picked the creep ass with hair plugs Bryan; Jojo who picked the cucumber from Veggie Tales; and Kaitlyn who picked the knock-off K-Mart version of Ryan Gosling. So all these ladies had exciting wisdom to share because none of them have questionable judgment at all. I was actually interested to learn that they all chose the guy they gave the First Impression Rose to, so there really is a science to this show.

The only other thing I want to highlight from this meeting is THE FACT THAT JOJO LOOKS JUST LIKE MAREN MORRIS:

I mean honestly, who is the Grammy-winning country artist with endless talent and beauty and personality and who is Jojo? Now that we'e addressed that, let's...

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If you didn't wear a navy suit, you can't sit with us

Navy suits were the Lauren's of this season. I didn't even capture them all because I'm pretty sure about 80% of the dudes were in navy suits. Was there some sort of sale or BOGO deal? It's funny how the ladies are always so concerned about standing out when these simple ass dudes all went to the same rack in Nordstrom and were like "K, cool."

Don't want none unless you got buns, hun

One man bun is already one too many, but TWO? No. I didn't even take the time to learn their names, but I do remember the guy on the right thinking that he might not get a rose because he "looks a little different than the other guys" (he ended up getting one). Nah brah, it's because our bank account can't afford all the conditioner we'll go through and our vacuum cleaner won't survive the shedding. 

Omg Connor, I love your work

I'm glad we can all agree that if we mushed the world's greatest soccer player, Lionel Messi, together with 90s teen movie "star" Breckin Meyer, we'd get Connor. Who actually, I liked and not just because he reminded me of the cinematic masterpiece "Clueless." He stole Becca away for one-on-one time first and did this:

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Because if there's anything I love more than a hot guy, it's a hot guy using a really sharp object to open something that could be opened with a less dangerous tool. Add some fire in and I'd marry him on the spot. As a note, if anyone can teach me how to do this, I will pay you 100 bugs.

Objectively, this was impressive

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Christon is a Harlem Globetrotter, so during his one-on-one time, instead of kissing Koof's ass for 10 minutes, he did this. Didn't even mess up her hair! This was probably the most memorable thing a guy did during the first night, as far as one-on-one time goes. As far as memorable entrances go, that has to go to...

CHACKIN

I don't actually know what I think about Dave yet, but I thoroughly enjoyed him calling her BE-CAW and his chicken puns. Made me want fried chicken real bad. 

Hello to the former Mr. Aly Raisman

Colton is a former NFL player who now focuses on his foundation that supports people living with Cystic Fibrosis. I thought he looked familiar and this is why:

He and Aly Raisman dated back in 2016-2017 after he met her at the MTV VMA's (where all great romances happen). Seems they split amicably though so I can continue to like him for now.

John is the Seinne of this season

John is BY FAR the most successful and intelligent guy on the season (and maybe ever on the show). He's a software engineer who helped create this little app called Venmo. VENMO. Y'ALL. Meanwhile, one of the other dude's profession is literally "Colognoisseur" BECAUSE HE LOVES COLOGNE. Anyway, I thought John was sweet and he's clearly smart and is probably allowed to use scissors that aren't child-proof.

BOY BYE.

These two ding dongs got sent home before the Rose Ceremony. Becca recognized Jake (guy on the left) when he got out of the limo because he's from Minneapolis and they've met several times and have mutual friends. She eventually pulls him aside to chat and tells him that they've met several times and nothing happened, so why is he on the show if they could've dated outside of, oh I don't know, a TV show? He tells her he only remembers meeting her briefly once and blah blah, she says she doesn't trust his intentions and sends him home and everybody cheers.

Disney villain Chase (on the right) was already someone I didn't like purely based on those brows (we first met him during After the Final Rose). ONLY BAD GUYS HAVE BROWS LIKE THAT. Plus that spread collar, no no. One of the other guys, Chris, tells Becca that After the Final Rose aired, a girl that Chase dated who Chris knew, told him that Chase was not a good guy and was only on the show for exposure for his new advertising firm. Chris then goes and gets Chase and both of them talk with Becca about this and she ends up sending Chase home and we rid ourselves of at least one pair of terrible brows in our life. Everybody wins!

Seriously, does this show not do any social media vetting

Becca ends up giving the first impression rose to Garrett, which will hopefully break the tradition of ending up with the guy you give it to. 

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Thanks to Ashley Spivey (from Brad Womack's season, I had to Google that because I wasn't on the sinking Bach ship then), who took screenshots of Instagram posts Garrett liked before deleting his account, we've learned that he is likely a smelly pile of alley trash. This ignoramus liked posts mocking trans people, undocumented immigrants, left-wing women and Parkland students. I know the show has already wrapped filming, but let's hope ABC doesn't wait until the finale to do something (like with that imbecile Lee from Rachel's season). Also, CAN THEY HIRE SOMEONE TO SIFT THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS? A LITERAL CHILD CAN DO IT.

Who I hate the most:

I polled the world and the world agrees that Jordan is the absolute worst. He is a "male model," a little tidbit he only shares every other minute. Between judging the other dudes suits and shoes, he decides to not even have one-on-one time with Becca. Because of course, that is ONLY THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. He is 100% a "Well, actually" guy and will undoubtedly mansplain to Becca at some point. I also predict he will threaten to have his father sue someone. 

Who I love the most:

Besides Connor, Colton and John, I liked Jake:

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Mostly because he wore a red suit and no one else did. And he rode in on an ox because his "feelings for Becca are already as strong as an ox." That shit is cheesier than fondue but I'm here for it. Adorable.

Speaking of adorable, I also loved Clay:

He's an NFL player and is soft-spoken and loves his family and for purely research purposes I found this photo of him because it's important for us to have all the facts:

So things are off to a good start! To be honest, I don't remember the scrubs Koofy sent home because there were 28 men to begin with. But all of my faves are intact and my guess is that ABC will keep Satan (male model Jordan) around for a while for dramatic purposes.

So glad y'all are joining me on this sinking ship again! See you next week!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's post is brought to you by this creepy doll that made its presence known during Lauren and Becca's last dates with Arie in Peru:

Sweet baby Jesus, it was all I could think about for most of the episode because nothing scares the shit out of me more than creepy dolls (and also child ghosts and clowns and creepy child clown dolls).

"When I PITCHER Peru, this is what I PITCHER"

I shouldn't be shocked that Arie pronounces "picture" like "pitcher," but his ignorance never ceases to amaze. He is 100% one of those guys who cannot differentiate between there/they're/their. 

So we're still in Peru and the two final victims, er ladies, get to meet Arie's family because honestly we're all curious about how Arie came to be. To summarize both of their meetings: Lauren smizes and says about 12 words and all of Arie's family agrees that Becca seems better suited for him.

For their final date, Arie takes Lauren to Macchu Picchu, which is pretty fracking cool. It is obviously raining and Arie being the kind gentleman he is, uses the umbrella to protect the thing most precious to him:

Himself, duh. They look out over Macchu Picchu as they didn't do any hiking because we've already seen how "athletic" Arie is. They walk around and compete with one another to see who can repeatedly say the most mundane words until Arie decides this date has been far too academic and corners Lauren for some of this:

This gives you a really good shot of Arie's light-washed dad jeans. We also get Arie basing his strong feelings for Lauren on the fact that he knows she has "a little speckle in her eye and that matters." In that case, can someone let Michael B. Jordan know that I noticed he has two eyes and a nose and a mouth and that matters and we should be together.

After Macchu Picchu, they move to whatever random Airbnb ABC has rented for the hour and at this point, Lauren decides it's time to booze up because Arie's about to "talk"

She says that they have a strong foundation because they've "gone through hard stuff." GIRL, WHAT HARD STUFF. DID I MISS THE EPISODE WHERE Y'ALL RAN THROUGH FRESH CEMENT OR SOMETHING? And in continuing their competition to be most eloquent, Arie says "When I look at you, I feel so much and I love that." Can we all agree to never say "and I love that" as a sentence ender after this?

Moving on. Becca is next for her "date." I don't have many notes for their outing because all they did was go to a market and try on llama sweaters and this hat while Arie aimed his deflated looking balloon lips at Becca:

I don't know what would be more frightening, seeing a shark swimming toward you or Arie's mouth coming in at full speed. They talk and he tells her that he's still feeling conflicted and doesn't know why and that he's "in his head" all the time, which is actually quite physically possible since there is plenty of room in there without a pesky brain taking up space. Becca ends the date by giving him this super cute scrapbook of their memories and the key item we learn here is that Becca has Asian handwriting. OH DON'T COME AT ME. Literally 98% of my Asian friends have this handwriting and it's what I, an Asian, tried to have for all of high school.

As a note, at the end of Arie's date with Lauren, he told her he was in love with her. Then at the the end of his date with Becca, he also told her he was in love with her. I'm 110% positive that had he gone on a date with Ursula next, he would've told her he was in love with her.

This week on "Laguna Beach," will Lauren be the one?

Do we even know if that curling iron is plugged in? Lauren B. is first in this carnival game to see if she picks the cup with the ring underneath and after spilling her heart, Arie lets her down like a mama bird throwing a baby bird out of the nest. He says that he gave it everything he had but there's still something holding him back. So he walks her to her car to leave and she cries and wishes him the best.

Becca is next and let's cut to the chase, he proposes:

I was pretty shocked to see that his fingers weren't covered in Cheetos dust. Becca says yes and after the obligatory hug-and-spin, he offers her the final rose and they drink champagne and it seems lovely:

Don't know if you noticed, but that's me in the background grazing on some grass. I was whisper screaming "BECCA DON'T DON'T DO IT GIRL YOU IN DANGER." I guess she couldn't hear me because following a montage of Arie and Becca doing "coupley" things in Peru, we get a shot of him walking in the rain being "pensive" while carrying the world's most obnoxiously large umbrella:

He sits down with Chris Harrison and says that he's been thinking of Lauren nonstop and needs to "follow his heart" and therefore wants to call off the engagement to Becca. And yes, that is of course what you do when you want to breakup with your fiancee, you go to a TV show host instead of, OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOUR FIANCEE?

In which we learn the producers/Arie are actually Satan
Becca is lured to Los Angeles under the premise that it's to meet up with Arie for a "couples weekend" and she's so excited and showing off her ring and it's terrible because we know what's coming.

ABC then gives us "unedited" (SURE JAN) footage of Arie breaking it off with Becca.

You probably think I purposely chose these bad shots of Arie, but um there are no good ones because he always looks like spoiled ham. He tells her that the more he "hung out" with her, the further he got from the possibility of a relationship with Lauren. First off, "hung out"? Are we at the mall in middle school? Secondly, YES DUH DUDE, THAT'S HOW ENGAGEMENT WORKS. YOU DEDICATE YOURSELF TO ONE PERSON AND THEREFORE CAN'T DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Dear God. Are we even sure that Arie knew what the word "engagement" meant? It's three syllables, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was outside of his vernacular.

Becca handles this steaming cup of shit with such elegance and calmness and just wants Arie to leave, which seems to be a simple enough task. Yet, like the dingus he is, he can't do it. The producers then record Becca from outside of the bathroom she's crying in and at this point it's downright cruel. To make matters worse, Arie knocks on the door and asks "Hey, are you okay?" as if she's just had some bad fish and is vomiting:

Like a reoccurring cold sore, he just will not go away. It's like he needs for Becca to say she's okay with it and forgives him, but we need to note here that: 1) He never offers a true apology for misleading her by, oh I don't know, FUCKING PROPOSING and 2) I have nothing to put here except FUCK THIS DUDE.

Finally after staring at Becca for 15 hours and trying to hug her (idiot), he leaves and the angels rejoiced.

Next we get Arie going to win Lauren back, except, he's already spoken on the phone to her and clearly knows that she wants to get back together. And yet, we're still forced to hear him tell her he made a mistake by proposing to Becca and has only been thinking of Lauren and wants a second chance and all of America screamed "DON'T FALL FOR IT LAUREN" but anyway she fell for it.

The worst part of all of this wasn't that Arie proposed then broke up with Becca on TV, but rather that THEY MADE HER SIT IN A MIDDLE SEAT AFTER BEING DUMPED:

There's no way Arie can hurt Becca more, right? Oh wait.

We'll get to this moment, but first, during the live "After the Final Rose" BS, Becca is forced to talk with Arie because rehashing one of the most embarrassing moments of your life sounds spectacular. He babbles and continues to not know what an apology is and finally Becca spills all the tea and lets us know:

1. Arie let her know he had feelings for Lauren, but he reassured her that he was confident in his relationship with Becca and loved her and was happy.
2. Becca wanted him to call Lauren for closure, but did not know that he had called her until AFTER the fact and didn't know he used the call to basically win her back.
3. The entire breakup was a complete surprise because up until that weekend in LA, they had been looking at houses and talking about a future.

In case you didn't get the full douchebag effect from all of that, Arie still had feelings for Lauren but wanted to make sure she would take him back before dumping Becca. I assume had Lauren been smart and denied him, he would've stayed with Becca. And had both Lauren and Becca denied him, he probably would've proposed to that slice of Hawaiian pizza he had in Italy.

Okay so then Arie and Lauren have their moment and we all wavered between hating them and also hating them. He proposes and she says yes and the only good thing to come out of this is that Arie is out of our lives.

Welcome to the era of Becca

By now you've probably heard that Becca was announced as the next Bachelorette. Homegirl deserves it after the shit storm she just trudged through. I was staunchly Team Tia until we witnessed Becca being dragged through a garbage pit by a garbage dude. Here's how her girl gang (Seinne, Baby Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall, Tia and Caroline) reacted to her being announced as the next person who gets to date 50 people at once:

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All of them spoke so highly of Becca and how she's a generous, caring person and there's nothing like women holding up other women. Related to this, I hear that they all caught Arie outside in the parking lot later and whooped his ass, which didn't take much since he's built like a marshmallow.

Expanding upon the point that everyone loves Becca, after Monday night's breakup, hundreds of people sent Becca money via Venmo to buy herself a glass or bottle or several bottles of wine. She's donating the $6,000 that folks sent her to Stand Up 2 Cancer and ABC agreed to match her donation. Can you believe this lovely lady almost wasted her life with a human zit?

Also, 17 billboards have popped up in LA, Minneapolis and New York in support of Becca. The one in New York appeared today and and is savage and says "Strong, beautiful woman seeking man with backbone #TeamBecca" and I love it:

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Alright, so now that Becca has seen how not to do this show, she's ready to take a stab at it. And she got to meet a few of the dudes, who I think are a positive sign of things to come:

Guy on the far left is British and guy on the far right came out singing like a little Mumford & Son(s)! The last guy of the evening brought a horse, which why the hell does ABC keep trying to bring horses indoors on this show. Remember how they did that during Rachel's season? The only thing worse than horse poop outside is HORSE POOP INSIDE. WTF. But I guess it was memorable and the show ended with Becca awkwardly sitting on it while trying not to show her entire Oops I Did It Again:

We'll see how well any of these guys pan out when Becca's season premieres May 28. Of the five we met, British guy Lincoln was my fav if not just for saying this:

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AND THAT'S IT! I want to congratulate each and every one of you for enduring this season and for surviving "I love that" and Arie's garbage bin mouth and trash looking face and lava lamp body and chicken broth personality. WE DID IT! I'm proud of us and believe that our reward is getting to see Becca find love. And if not love, we'll at least get to see a good person make out with some hot dudes (it's perfectly fine when you're a good person). 

See you all soon! Til then, you can always find me creeping on Twitter here and Instagram here.