What Did We Learn From The Golden Globes?

Well, award show season is upon us, and it's my favorite season. Except for sweater season, God I love sweater season. Anyway, I like to relate the award shows to dances in high school, because I'm highly sophisticated. The Golden Globes are kind of like Homecoming. The Emmy's are like Winter Formal. And The Oscars are like Prom. Sorry bout it, but all of you other award shows (People's Choice Awards and the such) are just weekend ragers.

Now, I first need to point out that Ryan Seacrest is one of my mortal enemies. In the circle of life, I'd be the lion and he'd be the gazelle. The very injured gazelle. So I have this sort of stockholm syndrome relationship with E! mostly because everyone on that channel is a complete idiot (except Chelsea Handler). So I'll never understand why I subject myself to their pre-show that consists of Seacrest and company being awkward pre-pubescent teens with a bunch of A-list celebs. Anyway, here's what I took away from this year's show:

E! hosts are idiots.

Here's some of my favorite examples from tonight:

"Brad Pitt just got out of the car and walked over to open the door for Angelina. It was amazing."

Kelly Osbourne said this with the most earnest look on her face. As if she had just seen Brad Pitt save an elderly woman from being hit by a car while also carrying an injured kitten under his arm. So stop the presses! Brad Pitt knows how to open a car door! The evolution of man is complete! This also makes me question the "amazing" things Kelly has seen in her life. Poor girl.

"And what color is your dress?"

Seacrest asked Reese Witherspoon this in regards to her obviously red dress. I included the photo, complete with comparison to the very red carpet, so you could see for yourself. Confused by his complete idiocy, she said "Uh, red." Does no one give him any topics to cover with them? I guess once I start covering the red carpet, I can just ask things like "And how many eyes are you wearing tonight? How many fingers do you have?"

"Are you excited to be here?"

Giuliana Rancic, the other failure on E!, asked this to almost everyone she interviewed. What answer is she expecting? That Mila Kunis will say, "Oh God no, I hate being given a couture dress to wear to an event where all I do is sit and get drunk." On this note, let me just say, if I ever become even a D-list celebrity, I plan to go to every award show there is and drink every bottle of champagne at said event. And at the big events, I plan to take shots with Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren. Needless to say, I will be excited to be at anything.

I have found my future career.

Watching the pre-show coverage of the red carpet brought about an epiphany. I should be an actor's "handler." You know, the person that you see standing next to them, kind of dragging them along from camera to camera. Now, I would partially do this to either (a) become best friends with the celebrity or (b) have an affair with the celebrity's husband. But really, I'd do this so I could photobomb every single one of their shots. Sure, I'd lead them into the center of the photogs. But then I'd slowly ease into the background to fully show off my dress that I got from the Prom section at Dillards. Represent.

When you become famous, you can choose to have any accent you'd like.

Apparently, Madonna is British. I guess if you're married to a British man at some point and spend at least 30 days in London, you immediately gain a British accent. I can understand this science. One time I had a layover in Italy, so now it's really tough to keep my Italian accent from coming out. Actually, to be honest, whenever I'm impersonating different accents, no matter what, I always revert back to an Indian accent. It's unavoidable. Must be from that time I flew over India. Might as well apply for citizenship. Back to Madonna. I must continue to say that I do not support her winning anything at these shows. Unless it's a bench press competition.

Meryl Streep is a bad bitch.

Actually, I didn't just learn this. I've known for ages. I think we were taught this in elementary school in social studies. Between learning about the Revolutionary War and Pearl Harbor, we covered how that if Meryl Streep is ever in any movie, she will be nominated for every award, and she will win. I mean, I'm pretty sure she'll win an Espy later this year. And probably the Stanley Cup. Additionally, she looked like she literally remembered 30 minutes before the show that she needed to attend (since she'd be winning everything) and threw on some clothes and rode over in her golden carriage. She is the only one who can pull this off. I'm sure every other actress spent their entire day primping, just so they could sit in the audience. But no no, not Meryl. She does what she wants, then she takes shots with Helen Mirren.

Botox is bad.

I'd rather not make any comments, since I know Michelle Pfeiffer reads this blog. But when she was speaking, I'm pretty sure she was trying to suck my soul through the TV. You know, to keep her young.

Sarah Michelle Gellar remains to be my nemesis.

Really, it was just a reason to post this photo of the woman who took my first boyfriend from me. And by "boyfriend" I mean Freddie Prinze, Jr. And no, it's not like that day they got married, I cried or anything. That would be absolutely ridiculous and semi-creepy. But she knows what she did and she knows what she is.

Pregnancy can occur via television waves.

Case in point. Though it's hard, I'm going to try to hold back here on the inappropriateness (that's what she said). There really should be some sort of warning prior to the show.

All in all, the Golden Globes weren't too shabby. For next year, I'd suggest more alcohol. And less "artsy" movies/shows winning. And, I think it'd be better if we let the actor's choose the song that they walk onto the stage to. Personally, being the astute professional I am, I'd choose the love ballad, "Move, Bitch" by classical performer Ludacris.

Either way, cheers to awards show season!

What I Learned From Teen Movies

In being a well-rounded journalist, it is of course important to be fluent in pop culture. Movies play a large role in this. So again, it's not like I spend hours on the weekends watching teen movies for enjoyment. No, no, I do it for scientific purposes. In studying how social interactions are perceived then reenacted on the big screen and then our reaction to said reenactments. I used the synonym editor so much in that last sentence I completely lost meaning.

Anyway, I'm a big supporter of ridiculously cheesy teen movies. Here's what I learned from some of my faves: (again, a list, someone get me medication)

1. If you're "ugly," taking off your glasses and meeting Freddie Prinze, Jr. will make you pretty.

I know you've all seen the highly-praised, five-time Oscar winner, "She's All That." So basically Rachel Leigh Cook is an "ugly" art geek who's totally over high school and blah blah blah. This movie taught me that glasses are like an ugly curtain -- when you wear them, you are a repulsive ogre, foaming at the mouth. BUT, when Sookie from True Blood comes along and does a "makeover," you INSTANTLY become beautiful. Then "Kiss Me" plays in the background and Freddie Prinze, Jr. falls in love with you. These were the first impressions of love I had. Solid foundation for future relationships. Essentially, never wear glasses.

2. If someone makes a bet on you, or is paid to date you, they will actually end up falling in love with you.

Now, this actually applies to "She's All That" too, but I'm referencing the worldwide phenomenon "10 Things I Hate About You." Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, and his fine ass, gets now irrelevant Andrew Keegan to pay Heath Ledger to take out "feminist" Julia Stiles so that JGL can date Alex Mack (but A.Keegan thinks its for his benefit). This movie first taught me that being a "feminist" means wearing flowy cargo pants, driving a "vintage" car, and using sentences that string along a bunch of words from Microsoft Word's synonym editor. So, check. Then, Heath starts to fall in love with Julia, but she of course finds out about said money and gets all feminist pissed, which apparently causes you to write a poem and then cry in front of your English class. So, in conclusion, this movie taught me two vital things: (1) Get a hot guy to bet money or get paid to take you out because he'll sing to you during soccer practice and in the end he'll buy you a guitar. (2) Cargo pants make you a feminist.

3. If you want people to change themselves for the better, just ensure the popular girl gets hit by a bus.

In the most critically acclaimed dramatic scene of "Mean Girls," Cocaine Lohan and Allie from The Notebook are arguing because Allie has gotten all fat and Cocaine is getting all popular. Then Allie gets hit by a bus and so begins the sequence of scenes where everyone begins bettering themselves. Aside from the aforementioned epiphany, Mean Girls, in all its infinite wisdom and quotable dialogue, taught me three very important things: (1) Buses change lives. (2) If you get hit by a bus, you will eventually meet Ryan Gosling and begin an endless romance. (3) Cocaine makes your boobs shrink (what happened Lindsay?).

4. White girls cheat.

In four-time Golden Globe winner "Bring It On," we learn that the Toro's, led by Kristen Snaggletooth Dunst, have been stealing their championship cheers from the Clovers, led by Gabrielle Union. There's of course this whole "Gee golly, I can't believe our cheers were stolen!" and then a sequence of them making up their own cheers and becoming better people and blah blah blah. Essentially what I took away from this was that white girls cheat. And it may have been the reason why I always covered by math tests from Amanda Smith in 8th grade. Which oddly enough made no sense, because again I'm horrible at math. So really, I was helping her. I need to rethink my decisions in life.

5. If you're from California, your parents occupation will be unknown, but you will be rich, and they will let you do whatever you want.

This realization actually applies to almost every teen movie I've ever seen. Where is everyone's parents? Anyway, I'm referencing the American classic "Easy A." First off, let me debunk another "ugly girl" misconception. Emma Stone would never have been unknown nor unpopular in high school. Come on producers, you did nothing to down play her looks; no oddly cut, frizzy hair, no jeans worn with running shoes, not even fellow ugly friends. No no, apparently, being "ugly" in a California high school means that you're thin, you wear designer heels, and your best friend is a pop singer with big boobs (whatever happened to Aly &AJ?). What do pretty people look like in these schools? I don't even want to know. I'm sure it's blinding. Anyway, the big point of the movie is that Emma Stone lets all these ugly guys tell their friends that she slept with them or they touched her boob or something PG-13 rated like that. Her parents are all cool when she tells them about it, like it's no big deal. Let me just say, had this ever happened to me in high school, I would have first been sent to a nunnery. Actually, that's it. Nunnery and done. Or Nun and Dun if you will. Anyway, the two big takeaways from "Easy A": (1) Living in California makes you rich (2) Dan from Gossip Girl will sweep you off your feet in the end and you'll ride into the sunset on a lawnmower.

I hope these five life lessons were as meaningful to you as they were to me. Let us not forget the biggest lesson from teen movies: Your life needs the right soundtrack for significant events to be deemed significant. Otherwise, how will you know?