What did we learn from the 2017 Oscars?

Just want to let you all know that my 13-hour flight from Japan landed in time for the Oscars Red Carpet because I clearly have the right priorities. So what's the first thing I did when I got home, smelling like recycled air and peanuts? Subjected myself to Seacrest and Rancic of course!

I was pleased to find that E! had once again relegated Rancic to the Roosevelt Hotel across the street because let's be honest with ourselves, people like Alicia Vikander should not be immersed in the true horror of Rancic's orange-handed interviewing. 

Which, speaking of Alicia, let's jump right into fashion.

This is what Ali V. (omg she hates it when I call her that) wore to the show and to the Vanity Fair after party, proving that she did not come to play with y'all and is simply here to slay. Also, she showed up wearing the tan that Rancic so desperately wants with her hair in a post-gym pineapple bun because she is Alicia Vikander and can do shit like that. It's 100% selfish of her to have both this face and that amazing accent AND be a talented actress. I bet she doesn't even do normal human things like sneeze because sneezing is unattractive and there have been zero recorded incidents of an unattractive Vikander.

My other favorite dresses of the evening:

You guys, it's like last year's awards show season broke up with Brie Larson and this year is her revenge year (which is of course untrue since she won everything last year). Nonetheless, her dresses have been sharper than Captain Crunch cereal on the roof of your mouth and I'm here for it. I love the ruffling at the bottom of this that is quite literally shaped like Ruffles chips and who doesn't love a good Ruffles chip.

Naomie Harris has taken everything I love about clothing and put it into one ensemble: 1) A cape 2) A dress that is long enough that you don't have to sit like a nun all night but short enough to show you shaved your legs 3) A peek-a-boo tummy window that proves to be useful at the after party when In-n-Out is served. I only hope she put that cape to good use at some point in the night and whipped Karlie Kloss in the face because WHO THE HELL INVITED KLOSS TO THE OSCARS? I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

Plenty of ladies have worn red dresses on the red carpet, but anyway those are all cancelled now because Viola Davis has done it and no one will ever be able to top her.

Lastly, I'm not the biggest Kirsten Dunst fan, but I love this dress because it has pockets and there are few things I love more in life than pockets on a dress. How many bags of M&Ms do you think she was able to sneak in? I bet there's like a whole container of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles too. So glad our dear Kiki was looking good that night because I can only assume the Oscars presented her with a lifetime impact award for her performance in the critically acclaimed melodrama "Bring It On."

And now, to the 15-hour show!

Vikander + Mahershala Ali = Be still my beating heart

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I have already framed this photo and placed it in my heart and also every room of my apartment. Look how sincerely emotional she is for him! And how gracious and gorgeous and sweet and also good looking and also handsome he is! Mahershala in an all-black suit turned my heart into a mess of Nature Valley granola bar crumbs. These two can never act in a film together because my doctor tells me it will kill me.

Let's put "Can't Stop the Feeling" to bed now

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Just a reminder that a song from the Trolls movie was Oscar nominated but Pharrell's "Runnin" from Hidden Figures was not. AN ACTUAL OUTRAGE. Not that Justin is to blame, but I mean, his new haircut might be. Actually, his new haircut is 100% to blame. Not throwing shade at all though because his performance was upbeat and entertaining, actually put on a jacket because here comes the shade, I want to bury this song in a concrete box and throw it into a volcano then throw that volcano onto Mars then throw Mars into a black hole leading to another galaxy to ensure I never hear it again.

Viola continues her quest to make my heart grow 3 sizes

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While I was not surprised that Viola Davis won the award for Best Viola Davis in a Supporting Role, it didn't diminish the impact of her speech. This woman could convince me to set my hair on fire and wear a Duke jersey to my own wedding. I don't think I even blink when she's speaking for fear of not properly soaking in her words. When an evil witch has Sleeping Beauty'd me and Mahershala Ali has not been able to Prince Charming wake me up, play a montage of Viola Davis speeches and I'll instantly be revived. But remember to have Mahershala try his hand at reviving me first, that's crucial.

Actually, first submit that montage of Viola speeches to the Recording Academy for Viola to win a Grammy next year therefore clenching her EGOT. 

BREAKING NEWS: NEW BOYFRIEND ALERT

I'm not one to start rumors about myself with male celebrities, but word on the street is that I'm dating Riz Ahmed and since I'm not denying it and he hasn't said otherwise it must be true. I'm digging this gif because it so perfectly encapsulates what it's like to trip and fall onto Riz, then stand up and check him out. I'm not advocating ogling men because they are not just pieces of meat and hahahaha just kidding I'm of course saying you should ogle them. Women are paid 80 cents for every dollar paid to men so if we want to make up that 20 cent difference by ogling good looking men, BY GOD WE WILL.

Real best friends get matching Oscars

Those handmade thread bracelets really pale in comparison to having matching Best Actress Oscars. I'm assuming Brie and Emma will now get their Oscars put on diamond friendship necklaces to wear around all the time as a show of their permanent bond. I'm kidding of course, that'd be ridiculous because Oscar necklaces are so hard to match with. Fashion is difficult!

While on the topic of Emma, it's important to note that in her speech she said "thank you to my soul sister Kristi." That's right, that spelling and everything. To answer everyone's question, yes, she was referring to me. And to think, the police tried to tell me that camping outside of someone's house for four months was "weird" and not the "basis for friendship." HA. I clearly showed them.

Speaking of breast friends, #MiBusy!

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I may be a bit biased but I loved both of their dresses and the fact that they were front row to the night's debauchery. I'm only saddened by the fact that they had to sit sandwiched between the Hooflack brothers at some point (I suppose this was necessary since Michelle was in Manchester by the Sea with nasty ass Casey Affleck). Because of this, we were gifted this reaction when the La La Land-Moonlight Envelopegate happened:

Prior to that when times were simpler, they enjoyed candy parachuted from the ceiling and I imagine Busy tried to get Michelle to eat a Red Vine but Michelle was like "Red Vines are fucking disgusting" because they are and it remains the only subject of contention between them (besides the whole Pacey thing back in the Creek days).

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Someone rescue Dakota Johnson('s career)

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Dakota Johnson is actually pretty funny and being funny is a talent and therefore it makes zero sense for her to be wasting her time on the sinking, embarrassing ship of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm bypassing her dress choice because it mostly reminded me of a fancy folded silk napkin which only made me want a fancy hamburger and also french fries and see this is why I didn't bring it up. What must it be like to attend an evening celebrating the best in film to have someone ask you about a movie franchise based on Twilight fan fiction? I imagine it'd be like me attending the Pulitzer Prize ceremony to discuss my latest handmade pop-up book.

Chris Evans has fallen victim to the Zefron effect

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Scientists have only recently coined the Zefron phenomenon (named after Zac Efron, duh), which is most commonly recognized by the presence of a plethora of films featuring horrendous acting but so many shirtless scenes that you forget your brain is slowly dying from exposure to the terribleness. Okay and some of you are up in arms like "He's Captain America!" and all that other BS, which I agree, his acting chops were really put to work in that skintight muscle suit. And he had to hold a shield! True Renaissance Man! Anyway, I'll see myself out.

WHO RUN THE WORLD

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I didn't include Janelle, Taraji and Octavia in the best dressed list above because they deserved their own standalone mention. I remain saltier than a crushed bag of Fritos over the fact that Taraji and Janelle didn't get nominations and honestly that Hidden Figures didn't win more. My caps lock can't quite express my thoughts on this iconic trio and their absolute fashion slayage and the fact that they brought out the real Katherine Johnson, so I'll let Beyonce help me.

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I demand a recount.

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Reminder that Casey Affleck is literal garbage and settled lawsuits by two women for sexual misconduct and harassment. This is the second time Brie Larson has had to present this human stain with an award and she was once again not having it. Still professional, but who says you have to clap for crap? NO ONE. Anyway, for more looks of disgust, here's Emma and Viola:

Because they realize that as creepy and disgusting as Casey looks on the outside, he's infinitely more creepy and disgusting on the inside. I only hope one of them yelled "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US" at some point.

And bonus, Chrissy T sleeping during his acceptance speech with a special appearance of Ali V. not giving a rat's ass.

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Sometimes a recount does happen.

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Let me start off by saying I loved La La Land. It's a feel good movie that kind of helps you escape the current shit storm we're in and it's beautiful to watch. But you guys, Moonlight literally hits you right in the heart and makes it ache. An absolutely amazing story complemented by unbelievable performances with ridiculous cinematography. So, when La La Land was mistakenly announced, I felt a flashback to Adele beating Beyonce at the Grammys. But before this flashback could fully materialize, the Oscars Kanye'd themselves declaring Moonlight the actual winner. And it was all very confusing and like YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO. DO NOT SCREW UP THE BIGGEST AWARD OF THE NIGHT. This is like preparing Christmas dinner and paying close attention to the cranberry sauce and stuffing but then forgetting to cook the turkey all the way. NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR RAW TURKEY, OSCARS. 

Anyway, was glad to see Moonlight get its due credit. And the cast and crews reactions!

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Per tradition, obligatory Chrissy T

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At this point, you know me well enough that I don't have to express my somewhat creepy undying love for CT and the fact that she and John are so beautiful together that I randomly weep thinking about them. BUT THIS DRESS AND ITS CAPE COMPONENT! Also, the day before the show, our beloved Chrissy tweeted this out, therefore bringing us full circle with the Vikander effect:

Generally wondering, what happens to those celeb seat cards? Is there just some trash can outside the Kodak Theater full of them on the day of the show? And how accessible is this trash can? And how tall is it? Would one need a ladder to access it? Asking for a friend.

And that's it! Per usual, a long ass show but this time with a dramatic ending. I leave you with this moment that has created a fear that Nicole Kidman will kill me with her seal fins or lobster claws or whatever these things are. She's getting really sloppy with these "human woman" costumes she's choosing to wear.

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Let's discuss the 2017 Grammy Awards

I think we need to address the Bey in the room before we get started. I won't attach the 5,000 word essay I've penned on why Lemonade deserved Album of the Year because it's full of caps lock and yelling. I'll just say that I was glad Adele decided to Kanye herself and acknowledge that while 25 was an amazing album, Lemonade was/is THE album. THE. ALBUM. And now a gif for transition.

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I know it seems like I begin every awards show post with banter on Giuliana and Seacrest but that’s only because I do and I can’t break away from tradition. Giuliana’s dress was hand-picked from the Martha Washington collection (vintage!) and the chunky belt was flown in especially from the year 1995. and anyway, let me know who wore it better.

Seacrest opted for a suit from his own collection, which is curated from the tears I cried upon learning that he was allowed to have a fashion line. I joke on Cresty a lot, but to be honest, I would like to be interviewed by him on a Red Carpet. 95% of my desire to be famous is so after he's done interviewing me and offers his tiny paws to help me down the stairs, I can yell "DON'T TOUCH ME" because I can only imagine what his face will look like having Ryan Gosling's second wife yell at him in front of Viola Davis and Emma Stone.

On the fashion front, hands down, best dress of the night:

The color, the cut, the lace. This is my dream dress. Double slit for both your legs to air out because nothing is worse than swamp legs. I bet Maren was comfortable as hell and could sit how she wanted without fearing her Paris Hilton would make an uninvited appearance. And I feel that the solid purple longer bits could be torn off for the after party and truly, who doesn't want a tearaway dress

And boob windows are in!

In general, Carrie Underwood is always serving the best the buffet has to offer, but I loved this red dress featuring this season's hottest trend: the boob window. Just a little cutout to let the public know "Hey, in case you were wondering, underneath all this fabric I have boobs, here's a peek."

Faith Hill jumped on the bandwagon, actually, she quite literally jumped on Carrie's wagon with a dress that looked way too similar. Except, Carrie's dress is more hot couture, runway-esque, while Faith's is a bit more...H&M. Which, affordability! Celebs, they're just like us! This picture of her cracks me up because you can barely see either of her legs creating the illusion that she's just a floating boob window.

Demi offered us a slight deviation with a tanned window. Can we take a minute to discuss Demi? The long beach waves. THE BROWS. We have finally reached the iPhone 7 version of Demi and I am here for it.

Lastly, Halsey forewent the boob window and went straight for the boob door look. Not even lying, I like this getup because it screams 90s TLC and looks comfortable as hell. Her blue silk pajamas look is actually quite similar to what I wear on a typical Saturday except replace the pants with sweats from high school and replace the top with an old hoodie and replace the boobs with nothing.

Gaga truly out Gaga'd herself

I am loving how the sleeves of this leather top are made of real porcupines and it's a turtleneck because modesty. I would 100% wear this to Sunday brunch after church.

Adele slayed me.

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I was shocked that she opened the show. These awards shows usually make us wait for the good stuff like waiting for a turkey to cook on Thanksgiving. But this year, the turkey was first! No matter how many times I see Adele perform live, I will never not want to cry and write in my diary about my human feelings. And the debut of long-haired, tan Adele! We hear you Delly, we hear you.

Then The Weeknd revived me.

I can’t remember if I clarified this from the getgo, but I’m trying to entrap The Weeknd as soon as possible.  I know I say I’m going to entrap a lot of men, but that’s only because I’m a multi-tasker and I’m very goal-oriented, says my resume. After y’all have played the Lemonade film at my funeral and think I’m actually dead, have The Weeknd come in and sing a bit and there’s a 100% chance I’ll come back to life.

THEN BEYONCE ACTUALLY SLAYED ME.

I'm newly converted to the Church of Beyonce because on this night she officially created a new religion. The intro. The imagery. The tilted chair that made me more nervous than having an open water bottle near my laptop. Beysus gave us everything and we did not deserve it. And then she won for Best Urban Contemporary Album and read her speech, which I was fine with, because we got to hear the gospel straight from the Holy Beyble.

I’m not a tiny, brunette country singer, but if I was, I’d want to be Maren Morris.

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First off, if you haven’t watched the CMT Crossroads episode featuring Maren Morris and Alicia Keys then finish reading this post first, then go watch. It’s amazing. At first I was a little shocked to see that Maren changed into this flowy unitard situation, but then I realized “OH OKAY, DIS BITCH CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS.” And then Alicia Keys came out wearing no make-up, looking more flawless than I do Photoshopped and they performed my favorite ballad off Maren's “Hero” album and anyway I felt human emotions again. Their collab was perhaps even better than the the first time I had chocolate chip pancakes with a side of banana pancakes, which to this day I've counted as one of the most pivotal moments in my life.

Sometimes you buy tickets to a music festival to see one person.

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Chance took home Best New Artist and Best Rap Album and gave a precious speech and looked entirely too cute in this gray suit. And he did all of this as an independent artist! So if you think I'm going to buy a day pass to Governor's Ball just to see him, then yes, that's exactly what I did.

Demi, Tori and Andra had an eyebrow off.

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Demi’s extensions are longer than most words that Bieber knows and her brows remain the thing I keep asking my doctor to provide me a transplant of (to which she usually replies “Why are you here ma’am?” and also “You are not my patient” and also “Please stop calling about eyebrow transplants”). Doctors are so rude these days! Right, so the combination of Demi + Tori Kelly + Andra Day blew the hair off my head and left me bald. Even more bald than I was already from the Maren and Alicia duet. 

And look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Tori Kelly stole my face and hair a couple years ago and I’m still pretty upset that she’s rocking my original look. And Andra Day stole my voice Ursula style, and I'm really upset by that too.

Life priority: Go to an awards show with Rihanna

First a chronological timeline of RiRi during the show.

1. She shows up wearing this ridiculously amazing outfit and decides, "Hm, maybe I don't need to drink. This guy from Twenty One Pilots gave a sweet speech while pantsless. Maybe I don't need alcohol."

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2.  Even though she's sitting next to Carrie Underwood, RiRi realizes she's getting bored.

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3.  RiRi has now sat through a couple country performances (that aren't Maren Morris) and decides it's time to bring out some company. This is also the point of the night that Rihanna remembers that Celine Dion once said "The only person who can be Rihanna, is Rihanna." #zerofucksgiven

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4.  She and her bejeweled flask dance to A Tribe Called Quest and all is right with the world.

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Generally wondering, who was this woman who performed after Adele and Beyonce?

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Katy Perry coming out after both of our queens is like your boyfriend gifting you a Givenchy dress first and then being like “Oh, I also got you this roll of bubble gum tape.” Not that I think Katy Perry is the human equivalent of bubble gum tape, but remember how she copped “Roar” from Sara Bareilles? Typical bubblegum tape behavior. But, I will give her kudos for this super cute pose she's doing because that's exactly how I pose when I'm trying on jeans and stretching to see if they allow proper mobility. That Katy, always stealing ideas from people!

A Tribe Called Quest. President Agent Orange. #RESIST. Enough said.

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And last but not least, obligatory Chrissy Teigen.

I love E!'s Glam Bot camera, which does these super dramatic slo-mo 360 shots, for two reasons:

1) To see Chrissy Teigen being extra

2) Because I picture myself in it, whipping my hair in slow motion because that's why I keep my hair long, just in case I ever come across an E! Glam Bot camera in the wild

And if you needed further validation of your undying love for CT, this was her dilemma the day prior to the show:

Furthermore, during a commercial break of the actual show, Chrissy stole part of one of the stage setups:

And she ended her night as most of us do, on the floor of her multimillion dollar mansion wearing a designer gown drunkenly asking John Legend to help take off her diamond necklace.

CELEBS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!

Another Grammys down. A lot of yelling. A lot of Chrissy Teigen. A lot of boob windows. See you later this month for the Oscars!