Let's discuss the 2017 Grammy Awards

I think we need to address the Bey in the room before we get started. I won't attach the 5,000 word essay I've penned on why Lemonade deserved Album of the Year because it's full of caps lock and yelling. I'll just say that I was glad Adele decided to Kanye herself and acknowledge that while 25 was an amazing album, Lemonade was/is THE album. THE. ALBUM. And now a gif for transition.

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I know it seems like I begin every awards show post with banter on Giuliana and Seacrest but that’s only because I do and I can’t break away from tradition. Giuliana’s dress was hand-picked from the Martha Washington collection (vintage!) and the chunky belt was flown in especially from the year 1995. and anyway, let me know who wore it better.

Seacrest opted for a suit from his own collection, which is curated from the tears I cried upon learning that he was allowed to have a fashion line. I joke on Cresty a lot, but to be honest, I would like to be interviewed by him on a Red Carpet. 95% of my desire to be famous is so after he's done interviewing me and offers his tiny paws to help me down the stairs, I can yell "DON'T TOUCH ME" because I can only imagine what his face will look like having Ryan Gosling's second wife yell at him in front of Viola Davis and Emma Stone.

On the fashion front, hands down, best dress of the night:

The color, the cut, the lace. This is my dream dress. Double slit for both your legs to air out because nothing is worse than swamp legs. I bet Maren was comfortable as hell and could sit how she wanted without fearing her Paris Hilton would make an uninvited appearance. And I feel that the solid purple longer bits could be torn off for the after party and truly, who doesn't want a tearaway dress

And boob windows are in!

In general, Carrie Underwood is always serving the best the buffet has to offer, but I loved this red dress featuring this season's hottest trend: the boob window. Just a little cutout to let the public know "Hey, in case you were wondering, underneath all this fabric I have boobs, here's a peek."

Faith Hill jumped on the bandwagon, actually, she quite literally jumped on Carrie's wagon with a dress that looked way too similar. Except, Carrie's dress is more hot couture, runway-esque, while Faith's is a bit more...H&M. Which, affordability! Celebs, they're just like us! This picture of her cracks me up because you can barely see either of her legs creating the illusion that she's just a floating boob window.

Demi offered us a slight deviation with a tanned window. Can we take a minute to discuss Demi? The long beach waves. THE BROWS. We have finally reached the iPhone 7 version of Demi and I am here for it.

Lastly, Halsey forewent the boob window and went straight for the boob door look. Not even lying, I like this getup because it screams 90s TLC and looks comfortable as hell. Her blue silk pajamas look is actually quite similar to what I wear on a typical Saturday except replace the pants with sweats from high school and replace the top with an old hoodie and replace the boobs with nothing.

Gaga truly out Gaga'd herself

I am loving how the sleeves of this leather top are made of real porcupines and it's a turtleneck because modesty. I would 100% wear this to Sunday brunch after church.

Adele slayed me.

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I was shocked that she opened the show. These awards shows usually make us wait for the good stuff like waiting for a turkey to cook on Thanksgiving. But this year, the turkey was first! No matter how many times I see Adele perform live, I will never not want to cry and write in my diary about my human feelings. And the debut of long-haired, tan Adele! We hear you Delly, we hear you.

Then The Weeknd revived me.

I can’t remember if I clarified this from the getgo, but I’m trying to entrap The Weeknd as soon as possible.  I know I say I’m going to entrap a lot of men, but that’s only because I’m a multi-tasker and I’m very goal-oriented, says my resume. After y’all have played the Lemonade film at my funeral and think I’m actually dead, have The Weeknd come in and sing a bit and there’s a 100% chance I’ll come back to life.

THEN BEYONCE ACTUALLY SLAYED ME.

I'm newly converted to the Church of Beyonce because on this night she officially created a new religion. The intro. The imagery. The tilted chair that made me more nervous than having an open water bottle near my laptop. Beysus gave us everything and we did not deserve it. And then she won for Best Urban Contemporary Album and read her speech, which I was fine with, because we got to hear the gospel straight from the Holy Beyble.

I’m not a tiny, brunette country singer, but if I was, I’d want to be Maren Morris.

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First off, if you haven’t watched the CMT Crossroads episode featuring Maren Morris and Alicia Keys then finish reading this post first, then go watch. It’s amazing. At first I was a little shocked to see that Maren changed into this flowy unitard situation, but then I realized “OH OKAY, DIS BITCH CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS.” And then Alicia Keys came out wearing no make-up, looking more flawless than I do Photoshopped and they performed my favorite ballad off Maren's “Hero” album and anyway I felt human emotions again. Their collab was perhaps even better than the the first time I had chocolate chip pancakes with a side of banana pancakes, which to this day I've counted as one of the most pivotal moments in my life.

Sometimes you buy tickets to a music festival to see one person.

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Chance took home Best New Artist and Best Rap Album and gave a precious speech and looked entirely too cute in this gray suit. And he did all of this as an independent artist! So if you think I'm going to buy a day pass to Governor's Ball just to see him, then yes, that's exactly what I did.

Demi, Tori and Andra had an eyebrow off.

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Demi’s extensions are longer than most words that Bieber knows and her brows remain the thing I keep asking my doctor to provide me a transplant of (to which she usually replies “Why are you here ma’am?” and also “You are not my patient” and also “Please stop calling about eyebrow transplants”). Doctors are so rude these days! Right, so the combination of Demi + Tori Kelly + Andra Day blew the hair off my head and left me bald. Even more bald than I was already from the Maren and Alicia duet. 

And look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Tori Kelly stole my face and hair a couple years ago and I’m still pretty upset that she’s rocking my original look. And Andra Day stole my voice Ursula style, and I'm really upset by that too.

Life priority: Go to an awards show with Rihanna

First a chronological timeline of RiRi during the show.

1. She shows up wearing this ridiculously amazing outfit and decides, "Hm, maybe I don't need to drink. This guy from Twenty One Pilots gave a sweet speech while pantsless. Maybe I don't need alcohol."

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2.  Even though she's sitting next to Carrie Underwood, RiRi realizes she's getting bored.

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3.  RiRi has now sat through a couple country performances (that aren't Maren Morris) and decides it's time to bring out some company. This is also the point of the night that Rihanna remembers that Celine Dion once said "The only person who can be Rihanna, is Rihanna." #zerofucksgiven

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4.  She and her bejeweled flask dance to A Tribe Called Quest and all is right with the world.

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Generally wondering, who was this woman who performed after Adele and Beyonce?

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Katy Perry coming out after both of our queens is like your boyfriend gifting you a Givenchy dress first and then being like “Oh, I also got you this roll of bubble gum tape.” Not that I think Katy Perry is the human equivalent of bubble gum tape, but remember how she copped “Roar” from Sara Bareilles? Typical bubblegum tape behavior. But, I will give her kudos for this super cute pose she's doing because that's exactly how I pose when I'm trying on jeans and stretching to see if they allow proper mobility. That Katy, always stealing ideas from people!

A Tribe Called Quest. President Agent Orange. #RESIST. Enough said.

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And last but not least, obligatory Chrissy Teigen.

I love E!'s Glam Bot camera, which does these super dramatic slo-mo 360 shots, for two reasons:

1) To see Chrissy Teigen being extra

2) Because I picture myself in it, whipping my hair in slow motion because that's why I keep my hair long, just in case I ever come across an E! Glam Bot camera in the wild

And if you needed further validation of your undying love for CT, this was her dilemma the day prior to the show:

Furthermore, during a commercial break of the actual show, Chrissy stole part of one of the stage setups:

And she ended her night as most of us do, on the floor of her multimillion dollar mansion wearing a designer gown drunkenly asking John Legend to help take off her diamond necklace.

CELEBS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!

Another Grammys down. A lot of yelling. A lot of Chrissy Teigen. A lot of boob windows. See you later this month for the Oscars!

What did we learn from the 2016 Grammys?

I wasn't exactly stoked for the Grammys this year because Adele's album didn't make the cut to be considered, so I knew my overall "YAS" count would be greatly diminished. So, in light of this, I only watched 3 hours of pre-show coverage before the show.

Giuliana Rancic continues to haunt our dreams and real life. She wore a dress comprised of highly reflective mirrors, something I can only assume the evil queen from Snow White pieced together. Do you think Seacrest looked into each one and asked who the fairest one of them all was?

Hearing me complain about E!'s red carpet after every show must make you must wonder, "Kristi, why do you continue to watch it?" There is no logical answer. Sucker for torture I guess, and this torture is the worst kind. Hearing Giuliana say things like "I literally can't" every 15 seconds and "amazeballs" is how I assume war criminals are tortured. This gif isn't from the Grammys or even this year, but I find it highly relevant.

ONTO THE SHOW!


Swifty and Selena Gomez got new friendship bracelets

The Glam Bot is perhaps the only intelligent thing E! has put to use in the last 1000 years. I absolutely love slow motion. I wish during every work meeting, someone would ask "Where's Kristi?" And I'd pop through the door like this gif, but with a little more hair flipping, like "Yes, bitch, here I am." Now, let me preface this with the fact that Rihanna wasn't at the Grammys (CRYING ALL THE TEARS) and thus, the red carpet was wide open for slaying. Kudos for Tay and Selenita for capitalizing on the occasion. 

Additionally, Selena only wore that blue dress on the red carpet. She changed into this number for the show:

My guess is this was snapped right after Bieber came on stage and attempted to "sing acoustically." I don't even want to subject you to images or gifs of that because it was completely horrendous. The performance turned into something straight out of the Vans Warped Tour, circa 2008, full of long tank tops and teeny pants. Thoughts and prayers for everyone subjected to it.

I'd like to spend the weekend with The Weeknd

I'm wondering, is it possible to become pregnant via television waves? I feel in about 9 months my doctor will say yes. While I'm generally confused about the hair situation, his voice makes me forget about it. He wore a classy AF tuxedo to perform and he has the cutest dance moves, which sounds like a line straight out of my middle school diary. OMG DIARY, HE'S SO CUTE AND CAN DANCE. Anyway, to be honest I love him and Bella Hadid. I imagine they'll have beautiful children born with amazing voices capable of curing world hunger. But until then, if you want to spread the hashtag #McWeeknd that'd be great.


To everyone criticizing Adele's performance:

STAHP IT. 99% of the people shitting on her performance probably can't sing one line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" without cats dying. I mean, sure, her sound guy was probably fired and marooned to some unknown island in the Pacific, forced to listen to Nickelback on repeat for the rest of his life, but is that our business? No. Adele could literally scream along to the lyrically complex love song "I Don't Fuck With You" while having a terrible cold and on heavy drugs, and she'd still sound better than 100% of the population.


In the case we need to repopulate the world: Carrie Underwood + Sam Hunt

I was about as familiar with Sam Smith as Kim K is with "books." But this performance, you guys. Who do you even have a crush on more. I mean, I've loved Carrie Underwood for a while (my "country" music collection includes only her songs), but Sam Hunt where have you been all my life. Ok and yes, his voice isn't that great, but whose is compared to C.Woody (she hates when I call her that). Look, if some sort of apocalyptic situation occurs, let's ensure we get them to a shelter so they can repopulate the earth. The Weeknd and I will handle adding a little ethnicity to the mix.

Is James Bay maybe good looking?

Is this some sort of shampoo commercial, because the hair. James and Tori Kelly proved you can in fact perform acoustically without sounding like compleBieber shit. This was definitely one of my fav of the night, and it was just a mash-up of their own songs. Again, my heart questioned, "Do we find James Bay attractive?" To which I came to the conclusion that I'd let him serenade me in a park, but only if he also brought meatball subs. Or maybe some sort of charcuterie. Who doesn't love a good coot board. 

Chrissy Teigen has won pregnancy

I don't know if you guys are aware, but I'm mildly obsessed with Chrissy T. And by "mildly" I mean I've used Google Street View to find hers and John's condo in New York (which they've recently sold, so that creeping was a waste). Anyway, I'm pretty good at hiding my obsession (and the lower back tattoo I have that says "Love CT" above a dolphin jumping over a moon). But look at them. I can't even type my emotions. CT deserves a trophy simply for wearing white while pregnant. I imagine I won't be able to do that because I'll constantly be in a bucket of chicken wings or pancake syrup. She is a champion for women everywhere.


Final Thoughts:

• Kendrick Lamar, forever. I would buy an audiobook of him reading a 401K pamphlet.
• Who invited Kaley Cuoco?
• I continue my campaign against "Uptown Funk." I await some sort of formal reprimand against Bruno Mars for yelling at Beyonce to announce the winner of Record of the Year. You can't just yell at royalty. You can't.
• Who invited Ariana Grande?

I leave you with Tori Kelly.

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!