While I usually watch E!'s Oscars pre-pre show that starts 3 hours before the actual show, this year I opted out. Instead, I chose to watch the pre-pre-pre-pre-show that started at 1 p.m. THAT IS 7 HOURS BEFORE THE ACTUAL OSCARS. Do I think I deserve a medal? Yes and that medal is this gif of Laura Dern and Adam Driver to prevent the thumbnail of this post from being Rancic and Kristin Cavallari.
I don't mean to sound cheesy, but I love Brie (lollllllllll). Now that I think of it, she's pretty reliable for looking great on the red carpet and this was by far my favorite gown of the night. Pink seemed to be a popular dress color, but the jeweling and fit and MOFO CAPE made this one stand out the most. Also, the real hero of the night was Brie's fourth toe, hanging onto that shoe for its life.
As a reminder, I've been onboard with Brie since watching "Room" before going on a date (this was not a good idea, it does not put you into any sort of date mood). Brie Larson, here with the fashion and ruining first dates since 2018, I have to stan.
I know this look is pretty demure and you're like who is the designer? Through some deep research, I found out it's Chanel, complemented by some hawk ass talons. And while you may think those nails look difficult and hard to manage, you're forgetting that Billie Eilish was able to use them at the after party to dagger sliders and chicken fingers (they def serve chicken fingers at the Oscars after parties).
Our pale queen Saoirse reminded us that it's bangs season, once again stirring up my internal debate about getting them (note: please do not let me get them). I actually don't mind this dress either, even though it looks like it's made of Ursula (might as well make that rude ass hoe into a dress). And I will always support glittery, pastel-colored eye makeup from the early 2000s.
And I can't talk about Saoirse without talking about her Greta Gerwig-assigned soulmate — Timothee Chalamet. To everyone judging T. Chally on his valet looking uniform, you're forgetting his hot ass face can wear anything and make it fashun. This is actually Prada, proving that rich people will pay a shit ton of money for regular looking clothes if you throw the label PRADA on them. Also of note is his brooch, which is straight outta Cartier's Dracula collection (I assume). Timmy in this getup reminds me of the man from the Maytag commercials who I think is sort of attractive (let's not discuss it), so this is a win-win in my books.
"It's time to come alive because the Oscars is so white!"
Janelle Monae, who can sing and dance and act and I think last week she transplanted a kidney, opened the show with a tribute to the year's films. Background dancers were dressed as characters from some of the year's snubbed movies including "Us" and "Queen & Slim," something that I am positive the producers patted themselves on the backs for.
Brad finally won his first acting Oscar (he won his first as a producer on Best Picture-winner "12 Years a Slave") and per how well he flat ironed his hair, he did not come to play. He thanked Leo for letting him "ride on his coattails," which presents an opportunity for me to say I'd like to ride something on Leo, but I will not cease that disgusting joke opportunity because I am mature.
During his post-win interview, he again made a joke about Tinder and at this point, because I am mainly concerned with the facts, I need to say that there is no way Brad is wading around the cesspool of Tinder. He is def on Raya, the dating app celebs use and which I am banned from for the next 5-7 years. Only here with the facts!
After running through awards season scooping up all the awards, my #2 favorite white lady wrapped up the season with her first Oscar for best supporting actress (because her performance supported the entire Marriage Story film). She ended her speech by thanking her heroes — her mom and dad — and yes I got teary eyed because her mom was crying so much!
Moms are the best! And because it's important to point out, Mahershala Ali (who I was previously engaged to, unbeknownst to him) presented Laura with the award. I was reminded how his voice makes me feel like I'm drowning in a pool of smooth peanut butter, which is precisely the way I intend to go out (spoiler alert).
While we're on the topic of Laura Dern, let's all revisit this moment from the Spirit Awards (for those of you who missed it):
Lastly, I challenge you to show me a film where Laura Dern IS NOT remarkable and I'll show you my hand slapping your forehead while screaming "SHE CAN DO IT ALLLLL."
Here's the thing: the Oscars LIVE to disappoint me (yes specifically me), so I was mentally prepared for "1917" to come through and buzzkill the show. But, in events more shocking than finding out the serving size for Pop-Tarts IS ONE POP-TART (I'm still reeling), the Academy actually gave Parasite the respect it deserves (somewhat). It took home Best Original Screenplay, Best Director and Best International Film before nabbing the biggest cookie of the night — Best Picture. It's the first non-English film to win Best Picture and the first film from South Korea to be nominated for (and win) International Film.
I say "somewhat," because they excluded any acting nominations for the cast, which is obscene. It'd be like awarding a turkey sandwich "best overall sandwich" but not nominating turkey for "best sandwich meat" (that comparison was necessary for your understanding so you're welcome).
But overall, while the Academy loves to hype up terrible movies (*cough* Green Book), this year they awarded the actual best picture of the year. Parasite is such a uniquely amazing film that can't really be classified into one genre (it's a funny, dramatic thriller) and sorry, but we'll get another war movie like "1917" probably this summer. We won't get another Parasite (at least that's not poorly done on Lifetime).
I love that Bong Joon Ho took home all of these awards after calling the Oscars a "local" awards show. He used his two speeches before the Best Picture win to emphasize how ready he was to drink because the only thing Koreans love more than winning, is drinking to celebrate winning (yes I speak on behalf of all Koreans).
Wrapping this up with one last shoutout to the realest bitch of them all, Jessica only child Illinois Chicago:
Final note on Parasite — Sharon Choi, who has been Bong Joon Ho's interpreter during this U.S. tour, is also a director-in-the-making. She told interviewers she plans to make a movie about......awards season. I cannot wait to see the shade she artistically throws.
I guess with Parasite winning so much, the Oscars producers realized they just were not reaching their white guy max limit and put in an emergency call to the year 2002. Eminem showed up and performed "Lose Yourself" following a montage highlighting music we associate with films, and like Idina Menzel, I found this unbelievably confusing:
Like, there were so many other options? Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, would've been better. If we just played a recording of Gaga and Bradley Cooper's flirty-almost-makout performance from last year, it would've made more sense.
Though in full transparency, I've never been an Eminem fan because if I wanted to hear a white man yell at me, I'd go cut in line at a Whole Foods.
In a surprise to no one, Joaquin Phoenix took home the best actor trophy and after giving a pretty meaningful speech at the BAFTAs, I thought he'd give a similar one at this show. And....it sort of began like his BAFTAs speech — calling out sexism and racism in the industry — but it QUICKLY detoured into talking about cows and artificial insemination. I'm still having a bit of trouble connecting four about these topics, but I guess in general it's notable because I've never heard (and wish to never hear again) the words "artificial insemination" at an awards show.
Had the Oscars just been 2 1/2 hours of Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig doing bits + Parasite winning awards for the last 30 minutes, it would've been perfectly fine.
The last time this awards show season I can say I've got something Adam can drive
Oh my god you guys, get your mind out of the gutter, I'm referring to my car. He can drive MY CAR straight to city hall for our marriage license which will inevitably be rejected because he's already "married" (technically). And look, I don't know if it's the angle of the camera or what, but his hands look HUGE in this gif. And you know what they say about big hands.........they can hold A LOT of peanut M&Ms and I love nuts (PEANUTS YOU SICKOS).
And that's it! While the wins for Parasite were historic, the Oscars remain pretty terrible in most other aspects, including the lack of female director nominees. In a year where Lulu Wang gave us "The Farewell" and Greta Gerwig gave us "Little Women" and Lorene Scafaria gave us "Hustlers" and Marielle Heller gave us "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" (among the MANY other films), it was disappointing to see such a lack of recognition. And I might be too realistically pessimistic, but this year was probably a blip and my guess is the Academy will return to rewarding stupid movies again next year.
Speaking of stupid, see you all tomorrow as we continue our downward spiral on The Bachelor! Til then, find me trying to catfish Brad Pitt on Tinder by using Gemma Chan as my profile pic and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
This year's Oscars recap is brought to you by this red carpet splitscreen of Kacey Musgraves and Gemma Chan. In doing something that is wildly onbrand, I reacted by screaming.
HOW Y'ALL GONNA HAVE MY TWO FAVES ON SCREEN AT ONCE AND NOT WARN ME??? Also just in case, I want to clarify that when I say "I screamed," I don't mean that figuratively. I mean I literally screamed. Anyway, this was a very spiritual experience.
I'm not addressing Kacey's weird Oregon Trail hairdo or tutu collar because she gave us the timeless bop "High Horse," so we all owe her.
According to the ads, it's movies biggest night! Or at least I thought it was, but based on how many promos I saw for Scott Foley's new show "Whiskey Cavalier" and how the Oscars flowed straight into the show's premiere, I think this might've just been the pre-show for that show.
Her hair! Her makeup! This dress! Regina King elicited screams I wasn't ready to deliver until Gemma Chan arrived and I'm not upset about it. This dress is simple and elegant and THAT SLIT! Cut my life into pieces. Standing ovation to Regina for looking this gorg while actively avoiding showing her downstairs front door AND getting anything on this dress. She continues to amaze me.
As a connoisseur of perfect brows, I have always loved Emilia Clarke (plus this bitch ate a heart on Game of Thrones once, so). Even though she is approx 3 ft tall, she always finds the best gowns to suit her height that don't crinkle when I carry her around in my pocket. I'm also loving this new St. Vincent inspired sharp bob.
And now seems like the best time to point out that during an interview a couple years ago, Emilia did an impression of an American accent that sounded like a ditzy teenager from the valley, AKA ME. So based on that, I guess you could say she is also obsessed with me and our friendship is a two-way street.
EVERYONE IS LESSER THAN GEMMA CHAN
This is the last time this awards show season that I get to yell about Gemma Chan, so hold onto your lashes and put your earplugs in because this is about to get loud as hell.
Only Gemma Chan can show up with a messy low bun in a shapeless, highlighter pink muumuu AND STILL MAKE YOUR FAVES LOOK LIKE THE BEFORE SHOT OF A MAKEOVER. She continues to be the queen of wearing dresses with pockets, which SHE FILLED WITH SNACKS INCLUDING COOKIES:
A DRESS WITH POCKETS FULL OF SNACKS? At this point are we even sure she is a real person because it seems like she could just be a hologram of everything I love in one person.
I am still absolutely devastated she was forced to endure Rancic on the red carpet. At first, she was optimistic because she's wearing a dress with pockets after all!
But then, it really sets in that she is talking to a giant can of self-tanner and made a grave error in exposing her flawless skin to this Rancid air:
Luckily, she survived and served us this look at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party:
A TOXIC BRITNEY INSPIRED DRESS! AND A WHISKEY DRINK! What's next? She has a wiener dog and her favorite group is Danity Kane?
I could go on, but I'm assuming you all want to hear about other people besides Gemma, which is weird, but okay.
Who could've hosted the show
As it turns out, not having a host saved time and eliminated those stupid, unfunny mid-show skits. But, if we needed hosts who are actually funny, these would've been acceptable:
Amy, Tina and Maya opened the show and honestly had they just stayed on stage for 2/3 of the show, I wouldn't have complained. And not to toot my own horn BUT TOOT TOOT I've been within breathing distance of Tina Fey which I think makes me qualified to declare her and Amy and Maya the best hosts of our lives.
They obviously presented the award for costume design. Melissa had trouble opening the envelope because she was wearing a rabbit on her hand, which is the most acceptable reason to not be able to do something.
Awkwafina and John Mulaney
While Awkwafina is technically one year younger than me and John Mulaney is only 5 years older, I'd like these two to play my parents in a movie where I play a barista who has to decide between three men (Michael B. Jordan, Rami Malek and Chris Hemsworth) who are all obsessed with me. It's called "Shot at Love" omg get it, I def didn't steal that title from the name of Tila Tequila's MTV dating show in the mid-2000s.
Hannah Beachler became the first African-American to be nominated for and win an Oscar in production design for her work on "Black Panther." But I'm going to assume this win is also for her work on "Lemonade" okay just let me think what I want. And I won't say her speech made me cry, but I will say something flew into both of my eyes causing them to water excessively and we'll never know what it was.
Section where I scream about hot men
UMMMM IS EVERYONE AWARE THAT CHRIS EVANS IS FINER THAN A .38-MM TIPPED PEN? (FYI: Asians love pens)
Holy crap. I am willing to risk facial breakouts and rash from making out with his beard. And while I generally find it stupid to applaud men for doing basic things, Chris helping Regina King to the stage to accept Supporting Actress melted my heart like chocolate on a dashboard on a summer day:
More importantly, I finally realized he reminds me of this boy I was obsessed with in high school, who also had a really smooth voice. We had one class together and talked every now and then until things escalated by 10000 when he randomly asked me if I thought he was attractive. Before I could answer because I was busy diverting all of the blood in my body to my cheeks, he said "....because I think you are really pretty." And I have no idea what happened after that because I blacked out and my heart stopped for 4 minutes. I am positive Mahershala has exactly that same effect.
Michael B. Jordan brought his mom as his date which is so mother fracking precious and sweet.
I want to clarify for the press that I was unable to attend as his date as my ticket to the show apparently got lost in the mail and also the judge said I have to actually abide by the restraining order this time. Legal hurdles getting in the way of love, ya know.
Update: The findings of my research study are in and they state I am in fact attracted to Adam Driver.
It's been a really confusing academic exercise, but here we are. Full disclosure, the fact that he's 6'2" really skewed the study in his favor I'M SORRY TALL GLASSES OF WATER ARE MY FAVORITE GLASSES. I also thought he was pretty great in "BlacKkKlansman." And I know there is definitely something weird about him, but weird in a way where he would give me a "bracelet" made of air as a show of his love, because like air, his love is all around and goes on forever. A TRUE ROMANTIC.
Helen Mirren reminded us she is still that bitch while presenting with Jason Momoa. Because you can't miss an opportunity to flirt with Captain Whale or Dolphin or whatever superhero he is.
After 5 nominations over THIRTY YEARS, Spike Lee finally won an Oscar for Adapted Screenplay and jumped onto Samuel L. Jackson, rightfully so. Spike yelled "Don't turn the mother fucking clock on!" and honestly, they didn't. Such a long time coming.
A collection of people who decided to stop aging
I need to know what each of their skincare regimens is STAT.
I think I am the first to say this
But Irina Shayk, who is married to Bradley Cooper, is ridiculously gorgeous? Which is a novel concept for a supermodel, I know. I guess I've never really seen her before but like, her face, it's a good one. Here she is serving face while Bradley smiles goofily (next to his mom). I'm not being sarcastic when I say I admire anyone who takes advantage of their best angles at all times.
UMMM WTF IS THIS
My lil' mini prince Rami Malek won Lead Actor and made a huge spectacle of making out with Lucy Boynton (his "Bohemian Rhapsody" costar). It's like wow, I guess that's one way to break up with me. It's almost as if our relationship declared only by me meant nothing to him.
In other news, those Everlasting Gobstopper candies really do last forever! He kept this particular one in his mouth all awards show season.
"This is never gonna happen again"
Olivia Colman came through with the upset, winning Lead Actress over Glenn Close and she was legitimately surprised. Everyone around her burst into tears with genuine happiness and immediately tried to eat her face.
She got up and Adele-to-Beyonce-at-the-Grammys'd the award, saying Glenn Close has been her idol for years and this isn't how she imagined it playing out. And she cried then accused her husband of starting to cry then thanked everyone in the room from presenters Francis McDormand and Sam Rockwell to Gaga and it was all so heart warming. I mean not literally, but I imagine if there was a human heart where I currently have an empty carton of McDonald's fries, it would've felt warmed.
I haven't felt this happy for someone since, well, two weeks ago when Cardi won her first Grammy. And when you think about it, Olivia and Cardi have a lot in common: 1) Both talented 2) Both just won major awards 3) Both have bitches. So. Here's the entirety of Olivia's speech which was hands down the best speech of the evening and proof that not every celebrity is Gwyneth Paltrow-terrible.
Little known fact: The Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" is about us finally reaching the end of this awards show season with Gaga. We all knew there was a negative 40% chance she would win the Lead Actress Oscar, but it was pretty certain she'd win Original Song. Which, I want to point out that she should've won her first Oscar in 2016 for "Til It Happens to You," but lost to that mediocre James Bond song by Sam Smith.
Anyway, happy for her and I hope this means she gets to be president of the drama club now. The campaign has been really exhausting.
She and Bradley performed "Shallow" and near the end, Bradley dramatically went to sit with Gaga at the piano. They proceeded to see how close they could get their faces without Irina jumping onstage to be like "YA BETTA NOT."
I joke a lot, but Gaga looked amazing and the "HAAAA AAHHHA HAAA AHHH" part of that song is so good.
And now that she has given this whole small-town-bumpkin-I've-never-won-an-award-before personality a run, I'm assuming she's retiring it. I can only hope she returns to us wearing outfits made of real dinosaur or heels made of human teeth. BRING BACK REAL GAGA.
YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO
It was pretty easy, Academy: Just do not award Best Picture to "Green Book" or "Bohemian Rhapsody." THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO DO. So of course they awarded it to "Green Book" and I have never been so close to throwing my TV out the window. If you need more context for why this is so unbelievably wrong, aside from this photo of 400 white dudes accepting an award for a movie about racism, you can read about it here.
I kept waiting for Jordan Horowitz to come onstage and announce the real winner:
But he didn't and the takeaway here is that Best Picture doesn't count this year and we're all gonna keep moving forward celebrating "Moonlight" as our Best Picture. I'm glad we're in agreement.
MY KWEEN
Chrissy (and Mr. Chrissy) showed up for the Vanity Fair after party because our girl is just tryna eat and drink. She spent her Oscars day making chicken lettuce wraps and having John mix the ingredients to avoid getting raw meat under her nails. We stan a non-salmonella queen! I'm realizing now that most of you probably don't care that she spent the day making lettuce wraps.
For posterity's sake, this is how her evening went:
And that's it! The show actually didn't run too long because ABC's thirsty ass REALLY had to move onto that Scott Foley show. And so weird how there was no Best Picture winner this year, but oh well.
See you all tomorrow for The Bachelor! Til then, find me catfishing dudes on dating apps with pics of Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
It's like they soaked in tubs of Doritos before showering off in orange juice and rolling in rust. Glam.
