What did we learn from the 2019 Oscars?

This year's Oscars recap is brought to you by this red carpet splitscreen of Kacey Musgraves and Gemma Chan. In doing something that is wildly onbrand, I reacted by screaming.

HOW Y'ALL GONNA HAVE MY TWO FAVES ON SCREEN AT ONCE AND NOT WARN ME??? Also just in case, I want to clarify that when I say "I screamed," I don't mean that figuratively. I mean I literally screamed. Anyway, this was a very spiritual experience.

I'm not addressing Kacey's weird Oregon Trail hairdo or tutu collar because she gave us the timeless bop "High Horse," so we all owe her.

According to the ads, it's movies biggest night! Or at least I thought it was, but based on how many promos I saw for Scott Foley's new show "Whiskey Cavalier" and how the Oscars flowed straight into the show's premiere, I think this might've just been the pre-show for that show.

Best dressed

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Her hair! Her makeup! This dress! Regina King elicited screams I wasn't ready to deliver until Gemma Chan arrived and I'm not upset about it. This dress is simple and elegant and THAT SLIT! Cut my life into pieces. Standing ovation to Regina for looking this gorg while actively avoiding showing her downstairs front door AND getting anything on this dress. She continues to amaze me.

As a connoisseur of perfect brows, I have always loved Emilia Clarke (plus this bitch ate a heart on Game of Thrones once, so). Even though she is approx 3 ft tall, she always finds the best gowns to suit her height that don't crinkle when I carry her around in my pocket. I'm also loving this new St. Vincent inspired sharp bob.

And now seems like the best time to point out that during an interview a couple years ago, Emilia did an impression of an American accent that sounded like a ditzy teenager from the valley, AKA ME. So based on that, I guess you could say she is also obsessed with me and our friendship is a two-way street.

EVERYONE IS LESSER THAN GEMMA CHAN
This is the last time this awards show season that I get to yell about Gemma Chan, so hold onto your lashes and put your earplugs in because this is about to get loud as hell.

Only Gemma Chan can show up with a messy low bun in a shapeless, highlighter pink muumuu AND STILL MAKE YOUR FAVES LOOK LIKE THE BEFORE SHOT OF A MAKEOVER. She continues to be the queen of wearing dresses with pockets, which SHE FILLED WITH SNACKS INCLUDING COOKIES:

A DRESS WITH POCKETS FULL OF SNACKS? At this point are we even sure she is a real person because it seems like she could just be a hologram of everything I love in one person.

I am still absolutely devastated she was forced to endure Rancic on the red carpet. At first, she was optimistic because she's wearing a dress with pockets after all!

But then, it really sets in that she is talking to a giant can of self-tanner and made a grave error in exposing her flawless skin to this Rancid air:

Luckily, she survived and served us this look at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party:

A TOXIC BRITNEY INSPIRED DRESS! AND A WHISKEY DRINK! What's next? She has a wiener dog and her favorite group is Danity Kane?

I could go on, but I'm assuming you all want to hear about other people besides Gemma, which is weird, but okay.

Who could've hosted the show
As it turns out, not having a host saved time and eliminated those stupid, unfunny mid-show skits. But, if we needed hosts who are actually funny, these would've been acceptable:

The Holy Trinity

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Amy, Tina and Maya opened the show and honestly had they just stayed on stage for 2/3 of the show, I wouldn't have complained. And not to toot my own horn BUT TOOT TOOT I've been within breathing distance of Tina Fey which I think makes me qualified to declare her and Amy and Maya the best hosts of our lives.

Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry

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They obviously presented the award for costume design. Melissa had trouble opening the envelope because she was wearing a rabbit on her hand, which is the most acceptable reason to not be able to do something.

Awkwafina and John Mulaney

While Awkwafina is technically one year younger than me and John Mulaney is only 5 years older, I'd like these two to play my parents in a movie where I play a barista who has to decide between three men (Michael B. Jordan, Rami Malek and Chris Hemsworth) who are all obsessed with me. It's called "Shot at Love" omg get it, I def didn't steal that title from the name of Tila Tequila's MTV dating show in the mid-2000s.

I cry

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Hannah Beachler became the first African-American to be nominated for and win an Oscar in production design for her work on "Black Panther." But I'm going to assume this win is also for her work on "Lemonade" okay just let me think what I want. And I won't say her speech made me cry, but I will say something flew into both of my eyes causing them to water excessively and we'll never know what it was.

Section where I scream about hot men
UMMMM IS EVERYONE AWARE THAT CHRIS EVANS IS FINER THAN A .38-MM TIPPED PEN? (FYI: Asians love pens)

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Holy crap. I am willing to risk facial breakouts and rash from making out with his beard. And while I generally find it stupid to applaud men for doing basic things, Chris helping Regina King to the stage to accept Supporting Actress melted my heart like chocolate on a dashboard on a summer day:

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My lil' hipster boo Mahershala Ali won Supporting Actor (for the second time).

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More importantly, I finally realized he reminds me of this boy I was obsessed with in high school, who also had a really smooth voice. We had one class together and talked every now and then until things escalated by 10000 when he randomly asked me if I thought he was attractive. Before I could answer because I was busy diverting all of the blood in my body to my cheeks, he said "....because I think you are really pretty." And I have no idea what happened after that because I blacked out and my heart stopped for 4 minutes. I am positive Mahershala has exactly that same effect.

Michael B. Jordan brought his mom as his date which is so mother fracking precious and sweet.

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I want to clarify for the press that I was unable to attend as his date as my ticket to the show apparently got lost in the mail and also the judge said I have to actually abide by the restraining order this time. Legal hurdles getting in the way of love, ya know.

Update: The findings of my research study are in and they state I am in fact attracted to Adam Driver.

It's been a really confusing academic exercise, but here we are. Full disclosure, the fact that he's 6'2" really skewed the study in his favor I'M SORRY TALL GLASSES OF WATER ARE MY FAVORITE GLASSES. I also thought he was pretty great in "BlacKkKlansman." And I know there is definitely something weird about him, but weird in a way where he would give me a "bracelet" made of air as a show of his love, because like air, his love is all around and goes on forever. A TRUE ROMANTIC.

When you gotta shoot your shot

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Helen Mirren reminded us she is still that bitch while presenting with Jason Momoa. Because you can't miss an opportunity to flirt with Captain Whale or Dolphin or whatever superhero he is.

The Oscars finally did the right thing

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After 5 nominations over THIRTY YEARS, Spike Lee finally won an Oscar for Adapted Screenplay and jumped onto Samuel L. Jackson, rightfully so. Spike yelled "Don't turn the mother fucking clock on!" and honestly, they didn't. Such a long time coming.

A collection of people who decided to stop aging
I need to know what each of their skincare regimens is STAT.

I think I am the first to say this

But Irina Shayk, who is married to Bradley Cooper, is ridiculously gorgeous? Which is a novel concept for a supermodel, I know. I guess I've never really seen her before but like, her face, it's a good one. Here she is serving face while Bradley smiles goofily (next to his mom). I'm not being sarcastic when I say I admire anyone who takes advantage of their best angles at all times.

UMMM WTF IS THIS

My lil' mini prince Rami Malek won Lead Actor and made a huge spectacle of making out with Lucy Boynton (his "Bohemian Rhapsody" costar). It's like wow, I guess that's one way to break up with me. It's almost as if our relationship declared only by me meant nothing to him.

In other news, those Everlasting Gobstopper candies really do last forever! He kept this particular one in his mouth all awards show season.

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"This is never gonna happen again"
Olivia Colman came through with the upset, winning Lead Actress over Glenn Close and she was legitimately surprised. Everyone around her burst into tears with genuine happiness and immediately tried to eat her face.

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She got up and Adele-to-Beyonce-at-the-Grammys'd the award, saying Glenn Close has been her idol for years and this isn't how she imagined it playing out. And she cried then accused her husband of starting to cry then thanked everyone in the room from presenters Francis McDormand and Sam Rockwell to Gaga and it was all so heart warming. I mean not literally, but I imagine if there was a human heart where I currently have an empty carton of McDonald's fries, it would've felt warmed.

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I haven't felt this happy for someone since, well, two weeks ago when Cardi won her first Grammy. And when you think about it, Olivia and Cardi have a lot in common: 1) Both talented 2) Both just won major awards 3) Both have bitches. So. Here's the entirety of Olivia's speech which was hands down the best speech of the evening and proof that not every celebrity is Gwyneth Paltrow-terrible.

Gaga has evolved to her final Pokemon form

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Little known fact: The Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" is about us finally reaching the end of this awards show season with Gaga. We all knew there was a negative 40% chance she would win the Lead Actress Oscar, but it was pretty certain she'd win Original Song. Which, I want to point out that she should've won her first Oscar in 2016 for "Til It Happens to You," but lost to that mediocre James Bond song by Sam Smith.

Anyway, happy for her and I hope this means she gets to be president of the drama club now. The campaign has been really exhausting.

She and Bradley performed "Shallow" and near the end, Bradley dramatically went to sit with Gaga at the piano. They proceeded to see how close they could get their faces without Irina jumping onstage to be like "YA BETTA NOT."

I joke a lot, but Gaga looked amazing and the "HAAAA AAHHHA HAAA AHHH" part of that song is so good.

And now that she has given this whole small-town-bumpkin-I've-never-won-an-award-before personality a run, I'm assuming she's retiring it. I can only hope she returns to us wearing outfits made of real dinosaur or heels made of human teeth. BRING BACK REAL GAGA.

YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO
It was pretty easy, Academy: Just do not award Best Picture to "Green Book" or "Bohemian Rhapsody." THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO DO. So of course they awarded it to "Green Book" and I have never been so close to throwing my TV out the window. If you need more context for why this is so unbelievably wrong, aside from this photo of 400 white dudes accepting an award for a movie about racism, you can read about it here.

I kept waiting for Jordan Horowitz to come onstage and announce the real winner:

But he didn't and the takeaway here is that Best Picture doesn't count this year and we're all gonna keep moving forward celebrating "Moonlight" as our Best Picture. I'm glad we're in agreement.

MY KWEEN

Chrissy (and Mr. Chrissy) showed up for the Vanity Fair after party because our girl is just tryna eat and drink. She spent her Oscars day making chicken lettuce wraps and having John mix the ingredients to avoid getting raw meat under her nails. We stan a non-salmonella queen! I'm realizing now that most of you probably don't care that she spent the day making lettuce wraps.

For posterity's sake, this is how her evening went:

And that's it! The show actually didn't run too long because ABC's thirsty ass REALLY had to move onto that Scott Foley show. And so weird how there was no Best Picture winner this year, but oh well.

See you all tomorrow for The Bachelor! Til then, find me catfishing dudes on dating apps with pics of Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).