Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week’s post is brought to you by all of the random shots I got of the ladies blinking. Again, I can’t control fate.

We’re in Thailand this week!

I wonder if Heather will get kissed
Heather gets the first one-on-one date and per emphasis on the fact that she has never kissed anyone, I wonder what the focus of this date and all the camera zooms will be. She greets him in the traditional Bachelor way and Heather’s legs are so long she barely has to jump — she simply lifts one leg at a time onto him like a sloth climbing onto a branch. Romance.

They walk around a floating market and say some really interesting things to each other like “oh, look at these shops” and “what is that in the water” before sitting at some docks to give us plenty of B-roll time for us to learn that Heather is ready for Colton to kiss her.

So then during lunch, as if the show thinks she is a dog in heat, they keep zooming in on Colton’s mouth because I guess eating shrimp is really hot:

We get this great zoom-in and I swear I can smell the garlic.

Heather gets in on the food action too and we learn that she eats food like a baby bird being fed by a mama bird and this is all just one giant unattractive event.

Later during dinner, Colton asks Heather about her dating history because he can’t process her having a boyfriend without kissing him. And she shares that she was with a guy for 8 months but they NEVER KISSED. 8 MONTHS. Is her “boyfriend” named George Glass because:

Anyway, they then head outside for the next part of this tired ass date, which is of course fireworks. Colton gives Heather her first kiss which none of us saw coming even though they were both practically applying Chapstick every 30 seconds.

The look of someone who is "happy for you"
Heather returns to the house to talk about her boring ass date and her first kiss and Elyse makes this face while saying how "happy" she is for her. And I mean, if this isn't the face of genuine happiness I don’t know what is:

So then Elyse, who btw is dressed to go out to the club while everyone else is in pajamas, decides she needs to talk to Colton. And by "talk," I mean cry.

She tells hims that she wants the “time and attention a relationship deserves” and she can’t compete with a bunch of women for a guy AND DEAR GOD DO NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW IS??? This would be like if I went on “Survivor” but then got mad when the producers told me I had to survive. Anyway, she explains she cannot compete for attention even though she came on a show that is specifically centered around competing for attention and at this point I have to point out that her arm looks like a prop arm:

It looks like she’s holding up a fake arm, which sounds stupid but would be really funny. So while she’s holding up this prop arm, Colton reacts to her crying by trying to make a fart noise with his eyes:

Ultimately, Elyse decides to leave, but then after making this decision cries and says she regrets leaving? EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST CHOSE TO LEAVE? HOW MANY MORE BRAIN CELLS DO I HAVE LEFT?

Here's the thing, we should've known there was something off about her based on the fact that she has a Chanel rosary bead tattoo on her foot:

I'm screaming. And I don't want to say this is trashy but oh wait, here I am wearing a trash collector's outfit and beep beep here's my trash truck.

Colton wakes up the next morning looking puffy as hell, so he either cried himself to sleep or ate a bunch of Chinese food and then cried himself to sleep. Standard Saturday night. Bye Elyse!

“Hannah B. swallowed a bug whole” 
For the participation trophy date, the ladies head into the jungle to learn how to find food and water and I have never seen a man so out of his element. I imagine the closest Colton has come to being an outdoorsman is lighting a campfire scented candle. Hannah B. ends up being the only one who participates in the bug eating, I think because she has maybe survived in the woods outside a guy’s house before.

Meanwhile, Sydney shows up looking like J.Lo at the 1999 MTV VMAs. Jungle couture!

The ladies are split into 3 teams to find food and water on their own. Demi and both Hannahs are on a team and being the groundbreaking geniuses they are, determine there is no rule stating where the food and water has to come from. So they take a taxi back into town to a hotel to get burgers, fries and champagne. Meanwhile, Tayshia is on a team with Nicole and Katie and at one point tells them to go find food while her and Colton find more water and by “more water” she means this:

What’s funny about this is that Nicole and Katie are standing literally 2 feet away. Like, they’re just outside this shot.

They all regroup and the Demi + Hannahs group are grinning impressively at their level of ingenuity similar to solving a Rubik's Cube by moving the stickers around. Colton happily accepts being fed the burger and Katie's face is me anytime anyone is eating anything around me:

This part of the date then concludes because they absolutely all have swamp ass.

When you’re upset to share some news

During the evening portion of the group date, Onyeka decides she needs to get this hot piece of gossip out because it’s burning a hole in her. She tells Colton that before Elyse left, she told her that Nicole said she was here to find an “opportunity to get out of Miami.” Colton then does his normal huffing and puffing and “Oh man” because I believe that is the extent of his emotional range.

Onyeka tells the group what she shared with Colton and Tayshia quickly butts in and says she was at that conversation with Elyse and Nicole and what Nicole actually said was “You have to take every opportunity you get.” And this is literally the face of a woman who has just realized she was wrong but decides to not accept being wrong:

Oh, btw, Nicole is there obviously denying what Onyeka says while making this face:

The thing here is: 1) This is all very stupid and we’re all dumber for watching and 2) The whole issue would be squashed if Tayshia just took 5 seconds to be like “Hey Colton, Nicole didn’t say that, I was there. Bye.” Anyway, Onyeka and Nicole are now enemies and all of this arguing made me forget to note that Alabama told Colton earlier in the night that she was falling in love with him. AFTER 5 WEEKS. 5 WEEKS. I’ve had almond milk in my fridge longer (is that ok). Because of this, she of course gets the group date rose.

“On a scale from 1 to hot, Colton is hot” 
Okay, someone may need to explain how scales work to Cassie. She gets the second one-on-one date and it’s a really exciting one. First they make-out in this fishing boat, which Colton says he’s “really comfortable” with Cassie, but his flexed foot says otherwise:

After making out on the super romantic location of the floor of a boat, they land at “their own private island,” which is a random sandbar. This silent film continues as no conversation occurs and just this:

And because we haven’t seen them kiss in the ocean yet, this happens:

Later at dinner, Cassie is like oh wait maybe we should talk about some stuff and this is Colton’s reaction to talking instead of making out:

Cassie acts as if she has something major to share with Colton and it’s GASP that she’s not a virgin. Which, um okay, if this show has taught us anything it’s that being a virgin is a big deal and not being one is whatever. So anyway, they have some sort of forced conversation and Cassie says it’s scary that now people know she isn’t a virgin and I really can’t emphasize enough here how much I hate this show. They then move to the bed to make-out and the prop arm appears again:

Colton tells Cassie that he’s crazy about her and she of course gets a rose.

WTF HAPPENED TO KIRPA

The show completely glazes over the one thing we actually want to know — why does Kirpa have a band-aid on her chin? (Update: thanks to Ling for this explaining why)

I gotta hand it to my fav, she has made it all the way to the international portion of the season without actually talking to Colton. She’s just here to give us great reactions and great brows and that makes her the most valuable player of this entire dumpster fire.

Although actually, this week during the cocktail party, she gets camera time and uses what must be her first time meeting Colton to floss his teeth, which is pretty smart considering how many times this episode we've had to endure close-ups of him eating:

She then relishes in her hot tactics by sitting like this like hey boy, you like dis band-aid:

KIRPA FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE OR NO ONE ELSE.

This again 
The Onyeka-Nicole rivalry appears again because we obviously haven’t had enough. Nicole tells Colton that Onyeka has bullied her since day one and told other girls that she’s mentally unstable so Colton of course runs over to Onyeka to be like "Omg guess what Nicole said" and all of this playground gossip is getting boring. Onyeka and Nicole then talk over each other for a while, getting so loud that at one point Colton makes this face, which is apparently the one he chooses to sport when something catches his attention:

He comes over and plays Dr. Phil, aka sits by useless, and they continue arguing so he decides to take a nap:

Nicole says she isn’t here for “an Instagram husband,” which is clear in the fact that it’s Colton and he’s the equivalent of a Burger King husband but whatever. And what's so wrong with an IG husband anyway? Always getting the best angles and filters?

The episode ends with a dramatic TO BE CONTINUED because yes we should drag this ridiculous argument out for another episode before both women are sent home.

And that’s it! I’ll never forgive the show for bringing their trash fire to Chrissy Teigen’s motherland. See you all next week! Til then, find me making milkshakes for the boys in the yard and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).