Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week's episode is brought to you by Krystal, being ignored by literally everyone, while doing a cartwheel during the group date at a bowling alley. Because if there's anything more embarrassing than a group date at a bowling alley when you're not 13 years old, it's doing a cartwheel on a group date at a bowling alley when you're not 13 years old.

"I'm on a dreamboat...with a dreamboat"
HAHA GET OUT OF HERE, CHELSEA. She was unfortunate enough to be selected for the first one-on-one date in which Arie took her aboard what appeared to be a docked boat. They hugged a shit ton because I guess if his hands aren't on some part of a woman's body at all times, he'll wither away. Then they rode jet skis wherein this of course happened:

This looks completely comfortable and not at all weird in the middle of some random, busy channel in Florida. I'm shuddering because I'm imagining being that close to Arie. What I'm about to say is going to sound offensive but that's only because it is — While I've equated his personality to a boiled chicken, as it turns out, this applies to his physical appearance as well. He's just pale and slightly yellow and pink and mushy and honestly I would like it nowhere near my own body.

For their dinner date, he took her to something that screams "DELICIOUS FOOD!" — a car museum. Okay also, unless you are fucking Batman and you're showing me the bat cave full of your bat cars, I do not care. Just take me straight to wherever we're having surf 'n turf. Anyway, here's the only good part about the date:

LOOK AT THOSE BIG ASS GLASSES OF WINE. And the ignored meal of the night was filet mignon on top of what appears to be whipped mashed potatoes. Chelsea spilled her life story and told Arie about her son's father and her relationship with him, which included a tumultuous breakup. The girl has honestly been through a lot and anyway this was Arie's face as she's pouring her heart out:

He is quite literally the :\  emoticon personified. He said some just super amazingly supportive and deep things like "That must've been really tough." It's been so enlightening to see Arie open up so much each week and show us how many layers his personality has. Haha jk, he has about as many layers as a nude beach goer. 

I have never wanted something less in my entire life

ABC was kind enough to provide what I can only assume is some sort of abstinence advertisement ahead of the group date. 

So the other 50 girls got to go on a group date at the bowling alley. They split into two teams and Arie told them that the winning team would get to go to the after party with him. Blah blah, he ended up saying both teams could come, obviously. And this upset Krystal because her team won and she is sick of having to fight for his attention. She continues to be confused about the premise of this show. 

Also, now seems like a good time for a friendly reminder: This show is not real. There is no other environment where women like these women would be FIGHTING for someone like Arie's attention. I mean unless they're all at a baseball game and he's the beer and hot dog guy. Maybe then.

Wait, Krystal is crazy

So by doing the unthinkable and asking all of the girls to come to the after party (GASP SO CONTROVERSIAL) Krystal felt that Arie was a liar and went back on his word and therefore she decided she didn't want to join in the evening's festivities. She gave this long spiel about not trusting Arie and how her bowling team won and honestly I didn't pay attention to a lot of the crazy because I was too busy focusing on the ladies' facial expressions:

They of course tell Arie about Krystal calling him deceitful, so he leaves to go talk with her because he feels he needs to clear the air and Lil Baby Bekah's reaction speaks for all of us:

And here's a summary of Arie and Krystal's conversation:

Krystal: I felt like my team was disrespected

Arie: Ummm....it was bowling

AND SCENE. He told her he wasn't happy and whatever we all know he'll eat her face the next time she allows him to and this is all stupid. He then went back to the group date to allot time to grab each woman's head like a cantaloupe while saying really poignant things like "In some ways this process is really slow. And in some ways it's really fast." WOW THANK YOU ARIE, SO INSIGHTFUL. SO DEEP. WOW.

He continued to torment us by doing a lot of this:

Do these women keep kissing him because they think he'll get better? It's kind of like when you try a new food for the first time and you're like "Is this fermented boiled chicken good?" And then you keep trying it until ultimately you get food poisoning, which is what I'm trying to warn the girls about.

Reminder: Tia is too good for Arie

Our little southern charm Tia got to go on the second one-on-one date, which included a swamp tour and then a feast of fried food. I want to note that this is what Tia looked like after spending an afternoon out on the water with humid ass wind blowing in her face:

What the actual hell. She looks better than me when I've had lots of water, a full night's rest, a Chrissy Teigen face transplant and a new wig. AND HONEY THOSE BROWS. Tia is my favorite.

She went on to tell Arie about her dating history and how she's basically dated terrible guys who she felt the need to fix. She also mentioned growing up in church and asked Arie if he believed in a higher power to which he pulled a reply from his cheesy handbook for life and said "I think I create my own destiny." HAHA the only destiny he's creating is a Destiny's Child mixtape to listen to while practicing kissing on his own hand.

Tia was also lucky enough to see Arie eat some fried frog legs. And while we haven't seen him drink from a bottle or anything, I imagine he's one of those people who puts their entire mouth around the top of it, guaranteeing there's always backwash.

How to react when someone asks if you would eat human meat

Okay we've already established that Kendall is...eccentric. She has this notebook with a bunch of questions in it that she pulls from when she's trying to get to know someone. She ends up asking Arie if he were to come across a group of people who ate human meat, if he would try it. At this point, I could not get over her saying the words "human meat." Arie quickly replied "No, unless it's a life or death situation," so I guess this show is life or death because he's eating these girls' faces every week.

Wait, Krystal grew up in a bowling alley (can someone fact check this)

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Krystal chats with Arie and he all but tells her that her being crazy freaked him out. And she starts to get emotional and says that she acted the way she did BECAUSE SHE GREW UP IN A BOWLING ALLEY. And that being in one again stirred up all these negative feelings. I have no words here and I just don't even know. 

Also ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Krystal welcomed the women to speak with her individually but not in a group setting because she feels attacked. This whole portion of the episode was pointless and mostly included Krystal defending the fact that she's a crazy kookaburra while the girls repeatedly said she should stop kookaburra'ing. But it did provide this moment of Krystal saying she's done with the drama while throwing imaginary glitter:

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Despite all of this, Arie still ends up giving Krystal a rose and honestly I wasn't surprised. ABC is 100% keeping her around for entertainment value and because I'm pretty sure at some point she is going to eat a live bird or something.

Favorite of the Week: Jenna

YOOO MY HOMEGIRL JENNA. First off, she was drunk as hell during the bowling date and did shit like this:

Because look, if you put a pitcher of beer around a Carolina girl, she will drink it. And persuade you to drink too. And then later yell about wanting Taco Bell. And anyway here was her during the evening portion of the group date:

She ended up with a rose at the end of the episode, so we're still on that Team Jenna forever train.

See you all next week! Til then, find me here.

What did we learn from the 2018 Grammys?

The top thing we learned is that the Grammys are a hot pile of garbage that we can rely on to deliver hot trash results. I'M JUMPING RIGHT IN WITH THE YELLING, SO PUT IN THOSE EAR PLUGS BECAUSE HERE WE GOOOOO.

So things got off to a great start
We got Kendrick's literal fire opening performance:

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And then Kung Fu Kenny and Rihanna took home the award for Best Rap Sung/Collaboration for "Loyalty," which gave us our first glimpse of the night of RiRi wherein I screamed for 15 straight seconds. That all-leather getup! And Kendrick acted so shy and kept saying that she deserved all the credit and anyway I love him.

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I have to note here that Tony Bennett and John Legend presented them with the award, after which, John Legend moved to the side while Tony did this:

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Okay and I know Tony Bennett is a living legend. But at some point, we shouldn't make living legends go onstage. And I'm not being disrespectful here, I'm just saying, the man is 91 years old and has given the music industry a lot already. Just let him sit in his front row seat with a nice whiskey cocktail.

Anyway, things were still on the up-and-up as Kendrick swept the rap categories by winning Rap Album of the Year. And gave a nice shoutout to Jay-Z, though he did misspeak, as we all know Beyonce would be president and Jay would be her VP. 

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To reiterate, Kendrick SWEPT the rap categories. And so I thought there was no way the Grammys could destroy my soul like they did last year when Beyonce was not given the awards she deserved, right?

NO, WE STILL GOT GRAMMY'D

With Jay-Z AND Kendrick AND Lorde AND my boyfriend Childish Gambino all nominated for album of the year, the show had an 80% chance of pleasing me and honestly the general public. So it was like, what could possibly go wrong?

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DEAR GOD WHY. WHY ARE WE BEING PUNISHED.

Bruno Mars swept the top 3 awards. And okay yes, he is an entertainer and yes, "24K Magic" is an entertaining album. But is it a creative masterpiece? No. Is it even a really good album? Absolutely not. Unless by "really good" you mean a collection of 80s/90s funk songs that sound like covers, then sure.

Kendrick's "DAMN." album was a full Thanksgiving/Christmas/Fourth of July feast of music. It was scientifically-proven to be a creative masterpiece. If I were still 16 on the outside and not just on the inside, I would blast this from my Honda Prelude for at least 18 months nonstop. The true mark of an amazing album.

Nonetheless, the Grammys did what they do best when presented with a delicious feast of a musical creation -  toss it down the garbage disposal, instead choosing that questionable Cup-O-Noodles (read: Bruno Mars' "24K Magic").

Bruno beating Kendrick (and Jay-Z for that matter) is like choosing a plain baked potato over some creamy, garlic mashed potatoes. Or like choosing vanilla ice cream instead of an ice cream sundae topped with real gold flakes and cash and happiness and a helicopter and a mansion. IT MAKES ZERO SENSE.

Wait, I think I can explain my emotional state better here.

A summary of my emotions regarding Bruno Mars
I present a play in three parts featuring the dramatic work of my fav, Kim K:

Me when he won Song of the Year:

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As a reminder, Song of the Year recognizes songwriters. And I mean, with lyrics like "I got a condo in Manhattan / baby girl, what's hatnin" I totally get it beating a meaningful song about suicide awareness. Cool, great job Grammys.

Me when he won Record of the Year:

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Okay, I was starting to get a little more riled up. This 100% should've gone to "Despacito." Aside from being the song of every girl in 2017 who yelled "THAT'S MY SONGGGG" it spent 15 weeks at Billboard's #1 spot (most of any song in the 21st century), the music video was the first to reach 3 BILLION views and is still the most viewed in YouTube history, AND it is the most streamed song of ALL-TIME, WORLDWIDE. So, while Bruno may have slipped in with that Song of the Year award, his "24K Magic" topping THE SONG OF 2017 AND THE CENTURY makes less sense than drive-thru ATMs featuring braille. 

And finally, me when he won Album of the Year:

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Honestly, the show hasn't gotten Album of the Year right since Outkast won in 2004 for Speakerboxxx/The Love Below so I don't know why I'm always so hopeful. Moving on.

SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT SZA

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SZA was the most nominated woman at this year's show. And how many did she go home with? ZERO. That's right, Baha Men have more Grammys than SZA. I am screaming. Her "Ctrl" album was by far one of the best albums of the year says NPR, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Complex and most importantly me. Her voice is flawlessly soulful and her R&B swag is reminiscent of Aaliyah and not that looks should be a priority, but she is ridiculously beautiful. AAAND she brought her mom and grandma to the show!

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And even though the show rendered the awards for Best R&B Performance and Best R&B Song moot because they gave them to Bruno instead of her, she still blessed us with a performance of "Broken Clocks":

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She lost Best Urban Contemporary Album to my ex-husband, The Weeknd, and Best Rap Sung/Collaboration to Kendrick and Rihanna - two losses I can accept. But her huge loss of the night, which I was all but sure she would win, was to Alessia Cara, which we can dive into right now.

Best "new" artist?

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I love Alessia Cara. I saw her live when her album came out....in 2015. My issue here is her winning a category that insinuates newness. The Grammys themselves define the nominees in this category as "new artists who release, in the eligibility year, their first recording that establishes their public identity."

Right, so Alessia Cara released her "Know-It-All" album in late 2015 and it had some bops on it including "Here" and "Scars to Your Beautiful" and the album was well-received by critics and went platinum, selling over a million units in the US. To summarize: She is well-known and that album was, and still is, indicative of her sound and she should've been nominated for Best New Artist last year, not this year. It'd be like if I baked some dank ass cookies 2 years ago and saved them until this year to be like "Yo, try these cookies they're dank" but you know they're old and you saw me making them 2 years ago.

And nothing against her because she didn't submit herself for the award and she has no sayso in winning and I won't give her this BFF bracelet back. I'm just saying that technically she wasn't a new artist and OKAY I JUST WANT TO YELL THAT SZA DESERVED IT.

But as we know, the Grammys are pretty great at fucking up Best New Artist, as they gave it to Maroon 5 over Kanye in 2005, to Fun over Frank Ocean in 2013 and to Macklemore over Kendrick in 2014. We never learn.

TWO WORDS: KE. SHA.

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Kesha performed "Praying," which is inspired by her ongoing legal battle with disgusting, sexual predator Dr. Luke, with backup from Camila Cabello, Bebe Rexha, Cyndi Lauper, Andra Day, Julia Michaels and the Resistance Revival Chorus. It was raw and emotional and spoke volumes more to #TimesUp and #MeToo than anything else the entire evening. And it was only amplified more by Janelle Monae's speech leading into the performance (which you can read all of here).

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And I was so sad Kesha didn't take home Best Pop Song. Y'all. The category featured FOUR women and ONE man. I know what you're thinking, there was once again an 80% chance that the show could please us, SO ANYWAY OF COURSE THEY WENT WITH THE WHITEST DUDE. Which, in Ed Sheeran's defense, "Shape of You" is a creepy yet catchy ass song. 

Sometimes a single harmony is better than five

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While this doesn't change the fact that I will walk down the aisle to "Work From Home," it has to be said: Leaving Fifth Harmony was the best thing Camila Cabello could've done for her career. While they're still doing shows at rodeos and county fairs and probably in front of CVS, homegirl's album debuted at #1, she destroyed a shit ton of records with "Havana," she's a spokeswoman for Skechers, Guess and L'Oreal and everyone from Barry O to Elton John loves her. And okay for the past couple of red carpets, she seemed to be like a baby deer finding her footing as she chose some teen prom/cotillion outfits that were...questionable. But this is a look! And it's really making me consider bangs again. 

Also, if you haven't listened to her debut album, please do so immediately. It's very singer-songwriter'y and "She Loves Control" is a banger. 

After performing alongside Kesha, before introducing U2, she spoke of her own personal experiences, including the fact that both of her parents are immigrants and came to America with nothing. She was so eloquent and anyway I'll let Lorde's reaction speak for all of us:

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Which, speaking of Lorde...

What you do when the Grammys don't ask you to perform

You bring a flask and get drunk, duh. While our dinosaur dancing queen was the only woman nominated for Album of the Year, the show did not ask her to perform. Or well, they did ask her to take part in the Tom Petty tribute, but wtf. Bruno, Childish Gambino and Kendrick all got solo performances of their own material (Jay-Z declined a performance because honestly sitting next to Bey is way better). Anyway, happy to report Lorde continued Rihanna's flask tradition and from what I hear, she took 32 shots at the afterparty and made out with the meat carving station guy, so she still won.

Intermission to talk about the Red Carpet

HAHA Y'ALL, THEY KEPT GIULIANA FENCED IN. I assume for the well-being of all the other humans. I could not stop laughing at this. And look, even Common was satisfied with the new arrangement. I have confirmed with reliable sources that this barrier was put in place to keep Rancic's self-tanner from dripping all over everyone's haute couture. I'm only sorry this shot doesn't give you a full picture of her dress, but to summarize, it looked like one of those weird "blankets" you find at your grandma's house that isn't really a blanket because it's just asymmetrical pieces of yarn haphazardly woven together and you aren't sure if the holes in it are on purpose or from moths.

Best dressed:

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Does anyone know CPR because I've stopped breathing. The classic pantsuit + lingerie combo! A.Kenny slaying this Balmain outfit by complementing it with classic waves and most importantly, a boss ass bitch pose. This is how you pose when someone looks back at you and says "Omg, were in line?" when you know they know they just cut you in line at Target. It screams "Yes, bitch" or in this case for a red carpet, "YAAAAS BIIIIIIITCH." Also love how the top of her pants are kind of parachutey and MC Hammer'ish.

SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT RIHANNA

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I have rewatched DJ Khaled, Bryson Tiller annd Rihanna's "Wild Thoughts" performance, both the YouTube version and the version imprinted on my brain, at least 124 times today. And while yes, DJ Khaled's stage presence felt a little like Regina George's mom trying to be cool, Rihanna made the whole situation right. Additionally, I don't think I've let you guys know this because I'm so shy and very introverted, but I've been in a serious relationship with Bryson Tiller since early 2017.

Anyway, Rihanna sounded amazing even while constantly shimmying and y'all know how much I support and take part in dancing that alternates a "ew what smells" face with an "ohhh yoooo" tongue-out expression.

I genuinely feel Rihanna is that friend who is always down to party but on the flipside would listen to you cry about a man who has done you wrong before going to throw his car off a cliff for you. True friendship.

Sorry to bring up Kim K again, but

There's no way I was the only one who thought this.

Things we needed less of:

We saw Sting 3 times which is 14 times too many for me. And sure Grammys, let's not ask Lorde to perform, but instead, let's keep bringing out U2! What a great idea! This was only complemented by fellow non-nominee Sting who performed with Shaggy (wtf, no comment) and did a sort of knock-off Carpool Karaoke skit with him and James Corden that can only be described as "not funny" and also "terrible" and also "terribly unfunny." Instead of either of them being onstage all 450 times they were, I would've preferred they wheeled out a TV, like back in the day when you had a substitute teacher, and played the "Lemonade" film. Or even a compilation of YouTube videos of Beyonce's performances. Or honestly just someone, anyone, onstage talking about Beyonce. ANYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER. 

Things we needed more of:

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Cardi B looked phenomenal on the red carpet and who even knew you could have butterflies in places other than your stomach! A true research scientist, she is. She brought her sister, Hennessy Carolina, as her date and yes that's her real name and yes they looked beautiful and yes my favorite liquors are now Hennessy and Bacardi (though not mixed together except on Saturdays).

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She later made her Grammys stage debut performing "Finesse" with Bruno Mars.

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This was the only point of the evening when I was not annoyed with Bruno. And Chrissy and her pregnant self AND Queen Bey stood for the entire performance which is how I determine worthiness in all realms of my life. Would pregnant Chrissy and Beyonce in any state stand for this?

Okay, this was exhausting to rehash. Thanks for another garbage fire year, Grammys! I'm off to church to pray to Beysus for a better outcome next year.

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And per usual, you can always find me here.

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's episode is brought to you by Taylor Swift's song, "22." We'll find out why in just a bit.

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Reminder: Arie makes out with everything, including this glass

Second reminder: Seinne is far too good for Arie
Arie chose Seinne for the first one-on-one and they went parasailing, which okay to be honest is pretty freaking cool. Seinne then reminded us that she does in fact like Arie (I assume in response to us constantly screaming "YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM"). She added that she obviously isn't ready to use the "L" word yet, and by "L" word I assume she means "LA'BYE BYE ARIE" but I guess we'll find out later.

After parasailing, they went to dinner and Seinne talked about her family and mentioned how when she was growing up, she didn't see a lot of love stories on TV and in movies featuring girls that looked like her. As she was being ever insightful, this is what Arie looked like:

I think this look of confusion followed Seinne's use of the big word "appropriate." It's like we can hear the wheels in his brain squeaking into overload. Also, I'm not sure if Arie knows or not, but most humans can listen with their ears. You don't have to have your mouth open to soak in everything. Though, based on what we've learned about him, maybe his mouth is quite literally where all 5 of his senses are.

Arie then took Seinne to some private show (not that kind of private show) with some band called Lanco whose lead singer appears to be James Van Der Beek:

So many pairs of Lululemon leggings
For reference this is how cute all the girls looked for the outdoorsy group date:

And here is what I look like when I'm doing outdoorsy things:

So first they did what all normal people do when exploring the outdoors: ate worms and bugs. Because if there's anything you need to do within 3 minutes of being outside, it's eat bugs. They were then split into teams to hike to the lake house to, you guessed it, get in the hot tub, which honestly looked pretty amazing per the bucket of champagne.

But then our vision was compromised when ABC decided to give us a peek of what we are not missing.

RIP IGNORED CHICKEN
Just want to give a shoutout to the shunned food this week. Seinne and Arie ignored this juicy piece of chicken during their one-on-one date:

And then the girls ignored his plate of MOTHER FRACKING CHICKEN SKEWERS WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DIPPING SAUCE. CHICKEN AND SAUCE. THE HUMANITY.

TEAM CAROLINE + TIA

I'm not sure when Caroline and Tia became breast friends but I loved them. Sadly they barely had time to weave BFF bracelets as Caroline was sent home roseless. But for one solid episode we got Tia'Line.

"I come across as flawless"

Krystal kept calling the other girls desperate and juvenile for literally doing the same things she does, aka trying to hang out with Arie. It's almost like she's participating in a show that is based around a man dating 15 women at once! Anyway, as she became more and more insecure she said more and more cocky shit. Here are some gems:

"I'm not sure what I'll say to Arie later, but I do know that it'll be perfect."
"It's really hard to show who I am in a group setting without being intimidating because I know I come across as flawless."

Later during the night portion of the group date, which is honestly just a time for Arie to talk to each woman 2 inches away from her face before eating it, Krystal let Arie know she was feeling "ostracized" (haha what are the chances he even knew what that meant). She essentially felt like Caroline and Tia were Regina George'ing her and anyway this insecurity continued for the entire episode and I assume will for the entire season because ABC is definitely keeping her crazy ass around.

"She seems really mature"
Arie took Lil' Baby Bekah on the second one-on-one date. They went horseback riding and then what naturally follows going horseback riding, got into the hot tub. Does this show just have a portable hot tub that they pop up in every date location?

Later during dinner, Arie brought up being 36 and how now in his "older" age he likes things such as "waking up with the sun," wtf who says shit like that. He then put together this very thoughtful question: "And I don't know, do you like, to like, you know, like, go out still?" And eventually we got to the point of this whole conversation and Bekah told him she's 22. To which he said:

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And he said he was worried she wasn't ready for marriage and blah blah blah we all knew he'd still give her a rose because she is a woman with a pulse who makes out with him and that is exactly his type.

It's the claw!

Please note how in the last one his hands are LITERALLY through Bekah's hoops. And look, I enjoy kissing as much as the next person, but I do not need your greasy fingers all over my face all the time. By the end of this show, so many of the women are going to have gone through terrible breakouts, because not to be rude, but Arie looks like the kind of guy who would eat some buffalo chicken wings then not wash his hands and then rub all over your face.

Favorites of the week:

Jenna

Yo, my North Carolina homegirl Jenna is just here to have marker brows, drink and makeout and I support her priorities. Here she is running to the hot tub with a bottle of champs for herself. She cracks me up.

Tia

Surprise, surprise, Tia again. She had no time for Krystal's crazy ass whining and told her as such. She also got the group date rose but more importantly, drank and ate what appears to be rolled up bacon on a skewer. Kween.

See you all next week! Til then, find me here.