What did we learn from the 2019 Grammys?

Welcome to an awards show where I can't scream about Gemma Chan! Luckily there's plenty of other stuff to screech about because the Grammys were ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG.

This year's recap is brought to you by all of these fans not missing an opportunity to snap photos of their faves on the red carpet:

As is my unexplainable routine, I watched the 12 hours of pre-show coverage because I needed to hear a bunch of Z-listers on E! debate potential looks like "I MEAN SHE WORE CLOTHES LAST YEAR, BUT WILL SHE WEAR CLOTHES THIS YEAR?" Riveting.

In a shocking turn of events, Rancic actually looked pretty great. I can't believe I just typed those words because this is the first time in the history of ever that she's looked great. Just a simple hairdo and makeup and a super cute dress!

But don't worry, she was still steadfast in the level of stupid she brought to the Red Carpet. And I'm positive she brought the fashion extra hard because Seacrest, wearing a suit from his own dumbass collection, wore THESE BOBO ASS SHOES:

I could give two farts if these are Versace or Givenchy or K-Mart — they're ugly. You know who wears these? High school boys who think they're hot shit because they're on the 8th string of the football team and just got new puka shells and a Playstation 2 last week.

Best dressed:

We did not see nearly enough of Jorja Smith who was nominated for Best New Artist. A quick summary of Jorja: she's English, has an amazing voice, won the Brits' Critics Choice Awards last year (past winners include Adele and Ellie Goulding) and allegedly dated Drake in 2017 while they worked on some songs together AND HE GOT A TATTOO FOR HER. Or well, Jorja doesn't think that part is true, but he got an "11" tattoo and her birthday is on June 11 and her debut EP was called "Project 11" so I'll let you deduct what you will. Anyway, THIS LOOK SHE IS SERVING:

This is actually the exact face I make when someone finds out I'm Korean and responds with "Oh, my best friend is Chinese" UM OK. So even though Jorja didn't win, she gave us this look and also her boyfriend is pretty hot and she got Drake to tattoo her birthday on his body so all of that combined, I think, is the equivalent of a lifetime achievement award.

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Here's the thing: K-Pop stars dress INFINITELY better than American pop stars. So while we were rolling out Post Malone who I think might just be a dumpster masquerading as a human, these BTS boys were strolling through in fine ass, tailored suits (made by a Korean designer!). And before you start screaming "Omg how old are they" how about you calm the F down because the youngest one is Jungkook (in the middle waving) and he's 21 and we're dating. It's whatever. We share earrings it's great and we are both old enough to buy alcohol so stop asking.

To the show!

Whatever new girl group this is, I'm in

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Alicia Keys opened the show with Gaga, Jada Pinkett-Smith, J.Lo in a bigass hat AND MICHELLE OBAMA. I could barely hear anything over my own screaming.

I am Ariel

Because Shawn Mendes is clearly Prince Eric with those striped pants. He also wore this silk, sleeveless top and his piano was literally imploding because none of us were expecting to see that body'ody. He started the performance singing "In My Blood," which is coincidentally enough the name of his song and also words I've written in letters to him because nothing says normal, non-creepy love like using the word blood.

After his broody piano playing, Miley came out sporting the ol' vest-with-no-shirt-underneath look and they sang together:

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There is nothing I love more than fire during a performance. It's wildly dramatic and also really dangerous and that's the mix I'm interested in. Also want to note that on the red carpet, Seacrest asked Shawn if he and Miley would "be looking at each other" during the performance to which Shawn was like "Um, yes, we'll both be up there singing together so I'm pretty sure we'll make eye contact" and my mind exploded because Seacrest isn't qualified to interview a toucan.

Speaking of the red carpet, Shawn was obviously one of the best dressed men of the night and here he is thirst trapping all of us:

Very excited to be a member of the Church of Janelle
Janelle Monae gave one of the top 2 performances of the night (check it out here), reminding us that in addition to acting, she can write meaningful lyrics, sing and moonwalk across a stage while wearing PVC leather:

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Meanwhile, half of us can barely eat a grilled cheese while watching a Fyre Fest documentary. Here she is dropping the mic at the end of her performance as she realizes how many mortal uggos are surrounding her.

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We stan a multi-talented queen.

CARDI CARDI CARDI
The other top performance of the night was OBVIOUSLY Cardi. Show producers were smart to put her in the last third of this 18-hour show because things had gotten pretty sleepy. But then:

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She performed "Money" and twerked on top of a piano and it was everything we needed. Plus we were all introduced to Chloe Flower, the pianist who opened Cardi's performance. This is the photo I will show my kids when I force, I mean ask, them if they want to take piano lessons:

"DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A BAD ASS BITCH? DON'T YOU? Now go make Mommy proud."

Cardi also became the first solo woman to win the award for Rap Album. Her speech was so freaking cute because she was legitimately surprised and so so gracious about it (unlike fakes we've seen in the past *COUGH TAYLOR SWIFT COUGH*).

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UMMM BUT CAN OFFSET PLEASE SEE HIMSELF OFF STAGE?? And yes, I know she was gripping his hand because she was so nervous, but I will never forgive him for being in her spotlight (or for cheating on her). Y'all when I say I was happy for her, I mean I literally clenched my heart when her name was announced like I'm some proud grandma. "Invasion of Privacy" was OBJECTIVELY (did you hear me, I said OBJECTIVELY) one of the best albums of 2018. It's got bops, it's got sass, it's got bangers, it cleared up my acne and paid off my car. Amazing.

Final Cardi note: She wore this Little Mermaid getup on the red carpet that only permitted her to move around in a sort of shuffle and I loved everything about it including the hat that I think is supposed to be like the pearl inside an oyster?

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But are we far from the Shallow now

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Based on her reaction to winning, you may not know this little known artist. Her name is Lady Gaga and SHE'S ONLY WON LIKE 450 GRAMMYS. Sure, this year's win was for a song from a movie featuring her first starring role, but dear God how many more times will we have to hear how Bradley Cooper apparently Tony Robbins'd her life and completely changed everything. She continues to act like she was Nikki Blonsky working at Coldstone and got plucked from obscurity to be in "Hairspray." When we all know Gaga was swimming in her pool made of melted down Grammys when B.Coop asked her to be in a recycled movie.

Luckily, we got a glimpse of old Gaga during her performance:

Only one more major awards show left for Gaga to be president of the high school drama club. Then can we please return to walking a red carpet inside an egg.

The bigger the hair, the closer to God

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I love how Kacey Musgraves brings out this bump-it for all her major performances. AND THOSE HOOPS! In a dramatic turn of events that surprised me the most, she was the artist I listened to most on Spotify in 2018. Who would've guessed. "The Golden Hour" really is that bitch. But do I think I am the one to thank for Kacey winning album of the year? Yes I am and she did thank me when she said "Thank you to the fans" UM FANS COME FROM ASIA. I AM ASIAN. So the logical connection is there, you see it. Speaking of fans, for all you history buffs, Kacey actually invented fans:

She performed "Rainbow" and all I want to talk about is how MOTHER FRACKING FLAWLESS HER MAKEUP AND BROWS AND LASHES ARE????? SHE DOES NOT HAVE PORES????

I'm hollering. The other thing I like about her is she looks like she could fight? Like she's definitely punched someone in the face before. And if that doesn't make you want to listen to her album, her reaction to winning Album of the Year should:

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Um, also when she won, this guy was onstage with her?

Wearing football pads and combat boots? So I guess some sort of time traveling fashion disaster? Cool.

When your cloning machine actually works

St. Vincent and Dua Lipa performed a collab of "Masseducation" and "One Kiss" and it was a win all around for short bobs. I saw St. Vincent perform at Panorama last year and by "saw" I mean I have a very blurry drunken image of her singing, I think. Was happy to see her perform because she's great! And Dua always delivers so. But how in the hell does she go to the bathroom with those nails. Or type emails. Or like, peel oranges. Mind boggling.

Things I could've done without
1) Whichever one this is from Dan + Shay wearing a shirt that looks like it includes Bluetooth headphones:

2) And then that same dude during their performance of "Tequila" holding that last note for what felt like 14 minutes:

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I don't even remember what the last word was, but I feel like it was something ordinary, like "pencil" and he just held it for an inordinate amount of time like "PEEEEEEEEEEEENCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL." We did not ask for this.

3) Everything about the Post Malone + Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. I don't even have a screenshot of it because this was my face the entire time:

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I just kept wondering how the Grammys found the time to gather all of the men I find least attractive and put them on one stage. Like some sort of PSA for birth control and it worked.

4) Everything and I mean EVERYTHING about J.Lo's Motown tribute.

First off, whose idea was it to have J.Lo do the Motown tribute? Secondly, does no one remember that J.Lo doesn't have that great of a voice? Someone was ABSOLUTELY singing behind the scenes for her, Milli Vanilli style. This entire performance was bizarre. Do you think they asked Beyonce first? And after she said no, asked 300 other people who all said no before finally being like "Oh, J.Lo is the last person left to ask"? It is the only explanation.

Things I could've done with more of
1) Maren Morris' hoops

2) Alicia Keys singing every genre of music

She performed a medley of a bunch of hits and some oldies including Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)" and if that piano intro doesn't make you involuntarily scream YESSSSS you are tasteless and I hate you.

3) BTS reaction shots

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4) Close-ups of Dua Lipa's brows

It's upsetting that she gets to be that tall and talented with those naturally great brows. Like, I didn't know we were allowed to choose more than one talent from the talent pool so I only chose "able to eat a lot of food but also gain weight." Pissed.

5) H.E.R. wearing sunglasses indoors

And wait actually that woman behind her with the side eye who clearly has no time for this fucking 15-hour show.

6) Degrassi

7) Childish Gambino

"This is America" won Song and Record of the Year, the first rap song to do so! Donald Glover wasn't there though because we were watching from home, but thank you all for the lovely messages we enjoyed reading them while eating our dumplings and watching Marie Kondo's Netflix show.

And that's it! I mean, obviously 800 other things happened because this show was on for 48 hours. If you want to know irrelevant shit like, all of the actual winners, check that out here.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor trash! Til then, find me making friendship bracelets for me and Chrissy Teigen and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because we're all friends and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

What did we learn from the 2018 Grammys?

The top thing we learned is that the Grammys are a hot pile of garbage that we can rely on to deliver hot trash results. I'M JUMPING RIGHT IN WITH THE YELLING, SO PUT IN THOSE EAR PLUGS BECAUSE HERE WE GOOOOO.

So things got off to a great start
We got Kendrick's literal fire opening performance:

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And then Kung Fu Kenny and Rihanna took home the award for Best Rap Sung/Collaboration for "Loyalty," which gave us our first glimpse of the night of RiRi wherein I screamed for 15 straight seconds. That all-leather getup! And Kendrick acted so shy and kept saying that she deserved all the credit and anyway I love him.

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I have to note here that Tony Bennett and John Legend presented them with the award, after which, John Legend moved to the side while Tony did this:

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Okay and I know Tony Bennett is a living legend. But at some point, we shouldn't make living legends go onstage. And I'm not being disrespectful here, I'm just saying, the man is 91 years old and has given the music industry a lot already. Just let him sit in his front row seat with a nice whiskey cocktail.

Anyway, things were still on the up-and-up as Kendrick swept the rap categories by winning Rap Album of the Year. And gave a nice shoutout to Jay-Z, though he did misspeak, as we all know Beyonce would be president and Jay would be her VP. 

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To reiterate, Kendrick SWEPT the rap categories. And so I thought there was no way the Grammys could destroy my soul like they did last year when Beyonce was not given the awards she deserved, right?

NO, WE STILL GOT GRAMMY'D

With Jay-Z AND Kendrick AND Lorde AND my boyfriend Childish Gambino all nominated for album of the year, the show had an 80% chance of pleasing me and honestly the general public. So it was like, what could possibly go wrong?

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DEAR GOD WHY. WHY ARE WE BEING PUNISHED.

Bruno Mars swept the top 3 awards. And okay yes, he is an entertainer and yes, "24K Magic" is an entertaining album. But is it a creative masterpiece? No. Is it even a really good album? Absolutely not. Unless by "really good" you mean a collection of 80s/90s funk songs that sound like covers, then sure.

Kendrick's "DAMN." album was a full Thanksgiving/Christmas/Fourth of July feast of music. It was scientifically-proven to be a creative masterpiece. If I were still 16 on the outside and not just on the inside, I would blast this from my Honda Prelude for at least 18 months nonstop. The true mark of an amazing album.

Nonetheless, the Grammys did what they do best when presented with a delicious feast of a musical creation -  toss it down the garbage disposal, instead choosing that questionable Cup-O-Noodles (read: Bruno Mars' "24K Magic").

Bruno beating Kendrick (and Jay-Z for that matter) is like choosing a plain baked potato over some creamy, garlic mashed potatoes. Or like choosing vanilla ice cream instead of an ice cream sundae topped with real gold flakes and cash and happiness and a helicopter and a mansion. IT MAKES ZERO SENSE.

Wait, I think I can explain my emotional state better here.

A summary of my emotions regarding Bruno Mars
I present a play in three parts featuring the dramatic work of my fav, Kim K:

Me when he won Song of the Year:

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As a reminder, Song of the Year recognizes songwriters. And I mean, with lyrics like "I got a condo in Manhattan / baby girl, what's hatnin" I totally get it beating a meaningful song about suicide awareness. Cool, great job Grammys.

Me when he won Record of the Year:

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Okay, I was starting to get a little more riled up. This 100% should've gone to "Despacito." Aside from being the song of every girl in 2017 who yelled "THAT'S MY SONGGGG" it spent 15 weeks at Billboard's #1 spot (most of any song in the 21st century), the music video was the first to reach 3 BILLION views and is still the most viewed in YouTube history, AND it is the most streamed song of ALL-TIME, WORLDWIDE. So, while Bruno may have slipped in with that Song of the Year award, his "24K Magic" topping THE SONG OF 2017 AND THE CENTURY makes less sense than drive-thru ATMs featuring braille. 

And finally, me when he won Album of the Year:

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Honestly, the show hasn't gotten Album of the Year right since Outkast won in 2004 for Speakerboxxx/The Love Below so I don't know why I'm always so hopeful. Moving on.

SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT SZA

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SZA was the most nominated woman at this year's show. And how many did she go home with? ZERO. That's right, Baha Men have more Grammys than SZA. I am screaming. Her "Ctrl" album was by far one of the best albums of the year says NPR, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Complex and most importantly me. Her voice is flawlessly soulful and her R&B swag is reminiscent of Aaliyah and not that looks should be a priority, but she is ridiculously beautiful. AAAND she brought her mom and grandma to the show!

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And even though the show rendered the awards for Best R&B Performance and Best R&B Song moot because they gave them to Bruno instead of her, she still blessed us with a performance of "Broken Clocks":

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She lost Best Urban Contemporary Album to my ex-husband, The Weeknd, and Best Rap Sung/Collaboration to Kendrick and Rihanna - two losses I can accept. But her huge loss of the night, which I was all but sure she would win, was to Alessia Cara, which we can dive into right now.

Best "new" artist?

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I love Alessia Cara. I saw her live when her album came out....in 2015. My issue here is her winning a category that insinuates newness. The Grammys themselves define the nominees in this category as "new artists who release, in the eligibility year, their first recording that establishes their public identity."

Right, so Alessia Cara released her "Know-It-All" album in late 2015 and it had some bops on it including "Here" and "Scars to Your Beautiful" and the album was well-received by critics and went platinum, selling over a million units in the US. To summarize: She is well-known and that album was, and still is, indicative of her sound and she should've been nominated for Best New Artist last year, not this year. It'd be like if I baked some dank ass cookies 2 years ago and saved them until this year to be like "Yo, try these cookies they're dank" but you know they're old and you saw me making them 2 years ago.

And nothing against her because she didn't submit herself for the award and she has no sayso in winning and I won't give her this BFF bracelet back. I'm just saying that technically she wasn't a new artist and OKAY I JUST WANT TO YELL THAT SZA DESERVED IT.

But as we know, the Grammys are pretty great at fucking up Best New Artist, as they gave it to Maroon 5 over Kanye in 2005, to Fun over Frank Ocean in 2013 and to Macklemore over Kendrick in 2014. We never learn.

TWO WORDS: KE. SHA.

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Kesha performed "Praying," which is inspired by her ongoing legal battle with disgusting, sexual predator Dr. Luke, with backup from Camila Cabello, Bebe Rexha, Cyndi Lauper, Andra Day, Julia Michaels and the Resistance Revival Chorus. It was raw and emotional and spoke volumes more to #TimesUp and #MeToo than anything else the entire evening. And it was only amplified more by Janelle Monae's speech leading into the performance (which you can read all of here).

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And I was so sad Kesha didn't take home Best Pop Song. Y'all. The category featured FOUR women and ONE man. I know what you're thinking, there was once again an 80% chance that the show could please us, SO ANYWAY OF COURSE THEY WENT WITH THE WHITEST DUDE. Which, in Ed Sheeran's defense, "Shape of You" is a creepy yet catchy ass song. 

Sometimes a single harmony is better than five

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While this doesn't change the fact that I will walk down the aisle to "Work From Home," it has to be said: Leaving Fifth Harmony was the best thing Camila Cabello could've done for her career. While they're still doing shows at rodeos and county fairs and probably in front of CVS, homegirl's album debuted at #1, she destroyed a shit ton of records with "Havana," she's a spokeswoman for Skechers, Guess and L'Oreal and everyone from Barry O to Elton John loves her. And okay for the past couple of red carpets, she seemed to be like a baby deer finding her footing as she chose some teen prom/cotillion outfits that were...questionable. But this is a look! And it's really making me consider bangs again. 

Also, if you haven't listened to her debut album, please do so immediately. It's very singer-songwriter'y and "She Loves Control" is a banger. 

After performing alongside Kesha, before introducing U2, she spoke of her own personal experiences, including the fact that both of her parents are immigrants and came to America with nothing. She was so eloquent and anyway I'll let Lorde's reaction speak for all of us:

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Which, speaking of Lorde...

What you do when the Grammys don't ask you to perform

You bring a flask and get drunk, duh. While our dinosaur dancing queen was the only woman nominated for Album of the Year, the show did not ask her to perform. Or well, they did ask her to take part in the Tom Petty tribute, but wtf. Bruno, Childish Gambino and Kendrick all got solo performances of their own material (Jay-Z declined a performance because honestly sitting next to Bey is way better). Anyway, happy to report Lorde continued Rihanna's flask tradition and from what I hear, she took 32 shots at the afterparty and made out with the meat carving station guy, so she still won.

Intermission to talk about the Red Carpet

HAHA Y'ALL, THEY KEPT GIULIANA FENCED IN. I assume for the well-being of all the other humans. I could not stop laughing at this. And look, even Common was satisfied with the new arrangement. I have confirmed with reliable sources that this barrier was put in place to keep Rancic's self-tanner from dripping all over everyone's haute couture. I'm only sorry this shot doesn't give you a full picture of her dress, but to summarize, it looked like one of those weird "blankets" you find at your grandma's house that isn't really a blanket because it's just asymmetrical pieces of yarn haphazardly woven together and you aren't sure if the holes in it are on purpose or from moths.

Best dressed:

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Does anyone know CPR because I've stopped breathing. The classic pantsuit + lingerie combo! A.Kenny slaying this Balmain outfit by complementing it with classic waves and most importantly, a boss ass bitch pose. This is how you pose when someone looks back at you and says "Omg, were in line?" when you know they know they just cut you in line at Target. It screams "Yes, bitch" or in this case for a red carpet, "YAAAAS BIIIIIIITCH." Also love how the top of her pants are kind of parachutey and MC Hammer'ish.

SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT RIHANNA

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I have rewatched DJ Khaled, Bryson Tiller annd Rihanna's "Wild Thoughts" performance, both the YouTube version and the version imprinted on my brain, at least 124 times today. And while yes, DJ Khaled's stage presence felt a little like Regina George's mom trying to be cool, Rihanna made the whole situation right. Additionally, I don't think I've let you guys know this because I'm so shy and very introverted, but I've been in a serious relationship with Bryson Tiller since early 2017.

Anyway, Rihanna sounded amazing even while constantly shimmying and y'all know how much I support and take part in dancing that alternates a "ew what smells" face with an "ohhh yoooo" tongue-out expression.

I genuinely feel Rihanna is that friend who is always down to party but on the flipside would listen to you cry about a man who has done you wrong before going to throw his car off a cliff for you. True friendship.

Sorry to bring up Kim K again, but

There's no way I was the only one who thought this.

Things we needed less of:

We saw Sting 3 times which is 14 times too many for me. And sure Grammys, let's not ask Lorde to perform, but instead, let's keep bringing out U2! What a great idea! This was only complemented by fellow non-nominee Sting who performed with Shaggy (wtf, no comment) and did a sort of knock-off Carpool Karaoke skit with him and James Corden that can only be described as "not funny" and also "terrible" and also "terribly unfunny." Instead of either of them being onstage all 450 times they were, I would've preferred they wheeled out a TV, like back in the day when you had a substitute teacher, and played the "Lemonade" film. Or even a compilation of YouTube videos of Beyonce's performances. Or honestly just someone, anyone, onstage talking about Beyonce. ANYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER. 

Things we needed more of:

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Cardi B looked phenomenal on the red carpet and who even knew you could have butterflies in places other than your stomach! A true research scientist, she is. She brought her sister, Hennessy Carolina, as her date and yes that's her real name and yes they looked beautiful and yes my favorite liquors are now Hennessy and Bacardi (though not mixed together except on Saturdays).

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She later made her Grammys stage debut performing "Finesse" with Bruno Mars.

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This was the only point of the evening when I was not annoyed with Bruno. And Chrissy and her pregnant self AND Queen Bey stood for the entire performance which is how I determine worthiness in all realms of my life. Would pregnant Chrissy and Beyonce in any state stand for this?

Okay, this was exhausting to rehash. Thanks for another garbage fire year, Grammys! I'm off to church to pray to Beysus for a better outcome next year.

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And per usual, you can always find me here.