This week's FINAL FINAL commentary on this cursed season is brought to you by what my last brain cell looks like while ping-ponging around in my brain, fighting for its life:
The show promised that two Bachelorettes would have twice the drama, but we now know they actually meant it would feel twice as long because dear God, how many decades have we all aged. This has truly been a terrible experience, I'm glad we could do it together.
Since this is part 87 of the finale, there's still a live aspect because ABC thinks we need show footage and then live footage of people watching show footage. Jesse Palmer even kicks things off by showing a trailer FOR THE EPISODE WE ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING??? THIS IS NIGHTMARE INCEPTION AND NONE OF US CAN ESCAPE.
With that in mind, let's jump in one last time!
Because math is my passion
JK, everyone knows eating fried chicken is my passion. I'm just providing a visual here to say that only 50% of the Bachelorettes in this photo will get engaged during this finale. Also can someone retrieve my top that's hanging out to dry there, I've been looking for it for weeks.
Let's see what happens with Rachel first.
"He's never given me any reason to doubt him"
Rachel is super excited for one last date with Tino before engagement day because she has no doubts he's the man of her dreams and that "if it's not Tino, there's no one else for me." Phew girl, get ready to swipe right on first name No One and last name Else, then.
The next day, the show spends approx 75 seconds of this THREE HOUR FINALE on their engagement. It almost felt like I was watching it at 1.5x speed (OMG I WISH THAT WAS AN OPTION).
How speedy everything happens here along with like, the inset of Rachel's actual reaction to "the happiest moment" in her life tells us that this happiness will be short lived.
During the live interview, Rachel gets right to the point, saying their relationship went through a lot of difficulties after the show PROBABLY BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS INSANE AND CREATES ABSOLUTELY NO REALISTIC FOUNDATION TO BUILD AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP FROM AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME TO STOP WATCHING, PLEASE. But also, they were long distance (while the season was airing) and at some point, Tino started expressing worries that "a past relationship" might come forward with stuff about him. Rachel eventually reveals he cheated on her and anyway this is her face when Jesse's dumbass asks "Are you okay?"
Beat her ass, Maddy! (Omg I hope y'all watch Euphoria, if not, why don't you.) She obviously says she's not okay and Jesse's like "Yay! Let's relive your horrible breakup then!" and we get to see their whole situation play out.
What I looked like at the end of this breakup
Tino, who has apparently aged 35 years during the two months that the show has been airing, shows up to meet with Rachel because I do think he's contractually obligated to be dumped on camera.
The main issue is that Tino kissed another girl (while they were still engaged) and when he finally told Rachel, he asked her not to tell anyone because of how bad it would make him look (swoon, and they say love is dead!). They both have their own sides of what was happening leading up to the cheating, which they each reveal in a sort of cryptic manner because it's clear they're both trying to save face and not come off as the asshole. But a front runner soon emerges in that competition when Tino pulls out his journal.
(Hi Michelle!) Tino proceeds to read off a list of reasons from his journal explaining why he CHEATED ON HIS FIANCEE. I mean, similar to if it's on the internet, if it's written down in a diary, it must be true. No one ever lies or embellishes in their personal journal, ever.
Tino's rationale: Rachel apparently said a bunch of "hurtful" things to him when the show premiered, like she wasn't sure she could do "this" and she'd be giving back the ring.
Rachel's response: She says they were going through a hard time, but they never broke up and she only said she would give the ring back IF they went back to dating and most importantly — he hasn't really owned up to and apologized for what he did.
Tino can't believe Rachel won't just forgive him because after checking in with himself, Tino agrees with Tino that the cheating was her fault, so he takes a moment to step outside and tries to rip off his mic. He soon finds out that when you sign a contract to be on The Bachelorette, those mics are embedded in you like a tracker chip on The Hunger Games.
I was dying at him thinking we couldn't hear him anymore as if we can't hear anything as long as the mic can't see us, similar to when a dog thinks you can't see it if it can't see you. While he's outside talking to a producer, he says Rachel is throwing him under the bus, which is laughable because babes you rented this bus and you're driving it and what's this, you're somehow under it too. Damn, is this what the multiverse is.
After gathering himself, Tino heads back inside with a fresh outlook, ready to gaslight the absolute shit out of Rachel. He pulls out his Uno Reverse card and says he didn't tell Rachel about the cheating because they "got back on the right track" thanks to her doing everything he "asked" of her, including going to therapy, as if this whole thing is about her correcting her wrongs. Also, he lets her know he's been working really hard TO FORGIVE HIMSELF. SO GUESS HE DID SAY SORRY TO SOMEONE AND THAT SOMEONE IS HIMSELF. TINO SAID SORRY TO TINO FOR THE CHEATING THAT TINO DID. JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS THE METEOR.
Rachel's facial expressions during this entire spiel are on point, but especially this one because this man is out of his mind. After realizing he can't just put his thing down flip it and reverse it, Tino steps outside AGAIN, except this time Rachel follows shortly after only to find him looking like this:
He has his shirt unbuttoned and he's on the phone sort of smiling looking like he's providing premium content to one of his OnlyFans subscribers or something. That or he was literally taking pics for his Hinge profile. This moment was truly one of the more bonkers moments, which is saying a lot considering this entire meeting has been kookoo for Cocoa Puffs.
They finally head back inside for the third and final part of this breakup, which is just a moment for Rachel to do this:
(Hi Rachel's dad) It's funny that she hands the ring back to him because Tino's sweaty ass didn't buy that ring. If she really wanted a reservation for Petty Party of 1, she would've handed the ring back to a producer because the show owns the ring (just as they own all of these people's souls because I imagine this is like an Ursula/Ariel type agreement).
So to wrap up this ridiculous series of events
I can't decide who I relate to more — Rachel staring into the camera wondering what she's doing here, girl in the middle left who's actively looking for an exit or girl in the middle right blinking and trying to I-Dream-of-Jeannie transport her way out of here.
I'm not going to recap any of this conversation because it's a copy/paste of what was aired in the episode, but it's clear they both have things they did that they don't want aired out and they both need A LOT of therapy and most importantly, they both need to leave us alone, okay. Ultimately, Rachel's "journey" comes to an end with Jesse saying that "someone demanded" to see her and surprise it's:
Obviously Aven, who remember she dumped because he made the ridiculous suggestion that they leave the show together and build their relationship before getting engaged. But now, with Tino still sitting by Rachel, Aven says he "just wanted to come by" (LOLLLL WHO WROTE THIS LINE FOR HIM) to see if she wanted to leave and catch up. She obviously says yes, leaving Tino onstage with Jesse, and I can't emphasize enough how stupid all of this has been.
With all of that out of the way, let's get to Gabby!
Committing to one mullet for life
If Rachel's "journey" was a 2000 piece puzzle that we still didn't finish because as it turns out, the puzzle is missing several pieces, then Gabby's puzzle is like one of those puzzles for babies with just 2 gigantic pieces. Ultimately, Erich proposes and Gabby says yes and I actually do believe they're two mature adults who are in love and understand that a relationship requires GASP work. I mean look at these two!
I noticed that Erich only wears shades of blue, which tells me that someone probably once told him that blue brings out his eyes or something and since then, he's stuck to blue. We love a loyal man.
But again, because ABC needs to justify Jesse's hosting salary, he brings up some social media swirl that's come up recently about Erich AND LORDY THEY EVEN PUT THE TEXTS ON THE BIG SCREEN:
To summarize: a woman who Erich was dating a month before the show publicly shared these texts that show Erich was skeptical about the show and only went on to see if there was "something else" he could do with his life. And um, tbh, he talked about his skepticism of the show MANY times with Gabby?? So this isn't exactly breaking news?? But he still takes responsibility for handling the breakup with this woman so immaturely and somewhere backstage, Tino could be heard asking "wait, what is responsibility?"
So yes, Erich was surprised that he fell in love with Gabby, but to be fair, when Jesse asks Gabby if she's surprised how happily things ended up, she says yes because:
GIRL SAME. Constantly embarrassed for me and all of us who are unfortunately attracted to men, it's so cringe.
Anyway, Gabby ends things by saying they're planning their life together. But obviously for now, she's doing what any newly engaged Bachelorette does — competing on Dancing with the Stars, duh.
And thus wraps up the 895th season of The Bachelorette! The biggest takeaway is that this show really should be canceled, but if it isn't, Gabby should be the next host because she has more personality than every other lead from this tragic show combined. And no offense, but Jesse Palmer always looks like he's about to burst into a bunch of tanned confetti (I said no offense, okay).
Oh wait, I guess they did spend the last 30 minutes of the episode on the new Bachelor, but...
I will not be tuning in for this sleep podcast
Zach was named the next Bachelor because ABC really is on a mission to have every bland, boring man in America be the Bachelor at some point. Zach is the epitome of a guy we would describe only as "nice." It means he's not memorable, isn't exactly interesting, but didn't like, trip me when I was walking out, so I guess he's nice. Not recapping his little portion of the show because I will not be watching his season, sorry. Unless they decide at the last minute to replace him with Nate or Brandon or Mike (omg remember Mike from Hannah's season), I'd rather not be put to sleep at 8pm once a week by this snooze button of a man.
And that's it! Can't believe (or understand how) we made it through another season. Bachelor in Paradise starts next week, but I haven't decided if I'll be screaming any commentary yet, so maybe see you soon! If not, you can always find me living, loving and laughing on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
No comments:
Post a Comment