I watched this: Tiger King

By this point, I'm sure you've heard about the batshit "Tiger King" documentary series and while I originally didn't plan to watch (because I am EXTREMELY booked with rewatching Laguna Beach), I opted in because the decider of all my important life choices, Chrissy Teigen, decided to. (And also because my friend Laura requested this and I always deliver.)

In general, this series is what I imagine grows when you plant a bunch of Ed Hardy shirts into a flowerbed of cigarette butts and meth and water them with Monster energy drinks. Also, despite this all taking place between like 2015-2019, everyone and everything looks like the year 1985.

This series features some of the most bonkers, ignorant white people shit I've ever seen. So here we go!

The basics

Duration: 7 episodes that are about 45 minutes each, so easily bingeable. However, after you've watched, you're gonna want to take the longest, hottest, soapiest shower because of how dirty you'll feel. I mean physically dirty. Every single person in this doc is like that Charlie Brown character Pig-Pen. Just a constant aura of dirt. 

Netflix summary: "A zoo owner spirals out of control amid a cast of eccentric characters in this true murder-for-hire story from the underworld of big cat breeding." As a note, this is the first time in history these nouns have all been used together in a sentence.

My summary: Above all, this series is:

In more detail, Joe Exotic and his mullet run a "zoo" (HEAVY EMPHASIS ON THOSE AIR BUNNIES) in Oklahoma that's mostly full of tigers, lions and druggies. He wears ugly, shiny shirts and puts on "shows" and enjoys hearing his own voice on a microphone. His arch nemesis, Carole, thinks he's a monster who shouldn't keep tigers in cages. Meanwhile, she runs a "rescue" that keeps tigers in cages. Everyone wants money and fame. Drama ensues. In the biggest twist of the series, the entire thing doesn't take place in Florida.

Now let's meet the main players....

Joe

Joe owns the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park in Oklahoma, so he's the centerpiece of this redneck picnic. He wears shoelaces randomly tied around his thighs and always has a gun holstered in case he needs to pull it out to shoot stray bullets into the air like Yosemite Sam. If you're wondering what happened to all of those Forever21 jackets after they declared bankruptcy, he definitely bought them all.

People pay to see his big cats and take pics with the baby tigers at this zoo. Joe also has a web series that he says airs "on the internet" (oh okay that place, okay gotcha) and there are cameras filming all the time. For a while, he also tours various malls and venues with some of his cats.

For most of the series, he's married to Travis (left) and John (right):

Both are like 19 when they first meet Joe. They all do drugs together, including meth (please reference John's teeth in the "biggest crimes" section below). Joe keeps them around for years and years by gifting them guns and trucks and I assume Mountain Dew. John eventually runs away with the zoo's front desk girl and they have a baby. Travis starts to feel trapped and is upset that he can't leave and can't get a job and above all, he wants more weed. He tragically shoots himself in the zoo's front office in front of Joe's campaign manager, Josh.

Joe is distraught because he's gone from two husbands to zero. He deals like anyone would, by running for public office. First attempting to run for president before leveling down to just casually  run for governor of Oklahoma. He runs as a libertarian, which his campaign manager points out he does not know the meaning of.

FYI this is his campaign manager. Joe knows Josh because he works at the local Wal-Mart, running the guns and ammo section. Joe obviously doesn't win the governor's race, but does garner 19% of the libertarian vote which I think illustrates all we need to know about libertarians (lolololol).

Also, he marries this fetus two months after Travis' death:

Joe invites Travis' mom, who attends thinking she'll just be one of many guests. She shows up and it's just her and a camera person, meaning this was a PR stunt for Joe to give off the image that even Travis' mom is fine with him moving on so quickly.

More on Joe in a bit, but let's move on to....

Carole

This is Carole and her third husband Mitch McConnell. Now, we can't get through one bat shit crazy doc in the U.S. without some sort of tether to Florida, so she runs a big cat "rescue" in Tampa. Heavy emphasis on "rescue" because her tigers are also just in small fenced-in areas with no plan to be released into the wild. And she charges money for people to see them while NOT PAYING THE PEOPLE WHO WORK IN THE "RESCUE." She claims they're all "volunteers" even though they work 12-hour days, 6 days a week. So basically she is also a monster. We get like 45 scenes of her riding her bike in slow motion while wearing a flower crown, which is the producers way of foreshadowing later events.

Okay let's get to Carole's shit. She's loaded thanks to the money from her missing second husband, Don. Don and Carole met when she was 20. After getting out of an abusive marriage to her first husband, Carole marries Don who leaves his wife and kids for her. No one really knew how much money Don has, but everyone speculates around $5-10 million.

He's the one who gets her into the whole big cats thing, which is his hobby when he's not out trying to have sex with all moving objects. He regularly visits Costa Rica where there's less restrictions on breeding big cats and he has a girlfriend there.

Don and Carole obviously have a volatile relationship and he starts telling all of his friends that she's crazy and he plans to ask for a divorce. But before this can happen, he "disappears." Carole claims he left early one morning to go to Costa Rica and that was the last she saw of him, however....

Things that point to Carole being the one who did something to him:

1) His creeper ass van is found at a nearby airfield (he was a pilot) yet his bag and keys are inside. Also he didn't own a plane that could handle that long of a flight so why the hell is his van randomly at this airfield.

2) A few days before his disappearance, Don gave his assistant, Anne, a copy of a restraining order he tried to file on Carole, "just in case" something happens to him.

3) Carole doesn't even think to report him missing until Anne is like, yo girl he hasn't talked to anyone in two days, maybe report it.

4) Shortly after, Carole cuts the lock to Don's office and takes the two powers of attorney and two wills that were in Anne's office. The cops show up because her break-in sets off the alarm, but they can't do anything about his wife taking these docs.

5) A new "updated" power of attorney suddenly appears that Carole has prepared FOR Don, naming her as his power of attorney and executor of his will (instead of Anne who was originally named). The "updated" doc includes a line stating disappearance doesn't affect the power of attorney — seriously it pretty much says "Carole gets to decide what happens even if Don disappears." Don's attorney, who looks like a minor character from "Bewitched" or "I Love Lucy," agrees this is peculiar wording:

So to summarize, Carole is suspicious as hell and clearly really bad at criming, but lucky for her, the police are even worse at investigating. Exhibit A:

This man who CHOSE to decorate his house with creepy ass masks was the lead investigator, so anyway I guess you can tell why things ended the way they did.

Carole has to wait 5 years to officially declare Don dead, so at 5 years and 1 day she does and I'm sure she celebrated with a money bath. Carole being completely suss is something that Joe regularly brings up during their years long hatred for each other. More on that later, but first...

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest

Let's talk about the stupidity from left to right:

Jeff is constantly wearing like 18 bandanas and 4 hats to hide the fact that he's bald. He met Joe in 2015 when he wanted to buy a tiger cub from him. After seeing how dire Joe's financial situation was, Jeff decided to invest in the zoo and keep some of his own tigers there. As a note, Jeff is perhaps the most disgusting man on this series that is comprised only of disgusting men (so it's saying a lot). He and his wife, who must've just graduated high school, are swingers who regularly go to Vegas to party. He gives off the impression that he has a lot of money, when in fact, his bank account is just full of Monopoly money. I'm honestly shocked he doesn't own a truck that is wrapped in confederate flag paraphernalia (or maybe we just didn't see it).

Allen is a convicted felon who has definitely committed more crimes than he's served time for. Jeff knows him from way back and brings him to work at the zoo. Allen refuses to listen to anything Joe requests, which pisses off Joe, but also everyone is afraid of Allen because he has a tear drop tattoo.

James is a devout user of the flat iron he got a few years back. He owns a couple strip clubs in town because it is his destiny since he is what all strip club owners in small towns look like. He lends Joe and Jeff $14K to open a pizza shop on the zoo grounds (note: people def got food poisoning from this pizza). He's into a lot of illegal shit too, including selling stolen cars.

Buildup to the shit hitting the fan
For most of the series, Joe and Carole's rivalry is petty foolery. Joe regularly makes Carole the focal point of his videos, often jokingly threatening her. Carole, in true Karen fashion, uses Facebook to discredit Joe. She also impedes on his mall touring with an email campaign to, it seems mostly JcPenney, asking them to not allow him to showcase his cats because it's cruel. In response, he names his traveling show "Big Cat Rescue Entertainment" to anger Carole and confuse people into thinking his show is somehow related to her. Carole eventually sues him for copyright infringement and wins and he stops touring.

This stupid back and forth between them continues over the years. As Joe's finances worsen, he hates and blames Carole more, and starts to flat out ask people if they know anyone who can off her (again, everyone in this series is very bad at criming). At some point, Joe talks about it with Jeff's grimy ass, who pulls up Google Earth to get an aerial view of Carole's home and the "rescue." Joe, who as a reminder is terrible at criming, then posts this image to his Facebook.

Remember when I said this series gives us entirely too may slo-mo shots of her riding her bike? Well that supreme act of filmmaking comes full circle as Joe and Jeff "joke" about how easy it would be to hide around certain corners and shoot her while she's out riding her bike.

This crapshoot really gets fired up after Jeff returns from a Vegas trip (ew) early because Joe has locked him out of accessing all of the bank accounts. After visiting the bank in person, the teller informs him that she thinks Joe is being investigated by the Feds because he used money from the zoo to pay for his campaign for governor. Just normal chit chat with your friendly bank teller. Jeff then confronts Joe about this and Joe decides to leave the zoo in Jeff's hands (since he's financing most of it by this point).

Before Joe leaves, he burns a bunch of documents because that is what innocent people do, duh.

The shit hath hitteth the fan....eth
After it's clear that Joe is the worst at criming and about to get into serious trouble, all of these other ding dongs realize they could get caught for their bad criming too and decide to turn on him. Jeff gets James to contact Carole and tell her they'll hand over everything they have on Joe if she pays them $500K. Carole forwards this to a special agent at the U.S. Fish & Wildlife service, who then calls James. The special agent meets with James and basically tells him he's fucked unless he helps with the Joe case, so James agrees to be an informant meaning everything is riding on this middle part.

James tells federal agents that Joe has hired Allen to kill Carole. Then Allen disappears, leading everyone to believe he's actually on his way to do it. But remember, Allen is an idiot. He ends up getting sidetracked and heads to South Carolina to party instead.

Foiled trying to nail Joe, federal agents then plant an undercover agent as another hit man offered up by James. But the only way to actually charge Joe with anything is if he pays or provides equipment (such as a burner phone) to the hit man. While Joe agrees to hire this undercover agent, he never pays him anything because he po'.

This last ditch effort by the Feds proves moot anyway because in a phone call between Jeff and
Allen, it's revealed that Joe actually did pay Allen — $3K.

I'm not exactly sure why this didn't come out before the whole planting of a federal agent as a hit man ploy, but as we've learned, everything is stupid.

At this point, Joe is sort of on the run. On Facebook, he tries to make it seem like he's in Belize, even though everyone can tell he's on a beach in Florida. Blah blah, the Feds catch him in a parking lot in Gulf Breeze.

His trial actually just concluded in January — he was found guilty of 19 federal charges (including murder-for-hire) and has been sentenced to 22 years in prison. A bunch of these charges include violating the Endangered Species Act as investigators dug up a bunch of tiger skeletons on the zoo's property (meaning he was killing them when they weren't useful for his shows).

The actual worst crimes

Alright so lots of shady, stupid shit happens over the course of this series, but to recap, the most heinous crimes are those against:

Teeth

Don't do all drugs, but especially meth.

General hygiene

Source

This is from the last episode after Tim, who is another one of these dirty, back country "animal lovers," decides he's not gonna open a giant zoo with Jeff. He and his monkey eat from the same piece of pizza while no one steers the car. Honestly, the monkey's mouth is probably cleaner than Tim's.

Hair

Again, this does not take place in the 80s. Wild.

Spelling & Grammar

In the last episode, we get to see Joe's first ex-husband getting a Joe-related tattoo covered. This reveals he has a bicep tattoo that reads "No Games Boy's." BOY'S. BOY APOSTROPHE S. I know we have bigger issues to deal with, but BOY'S.

Also:

In episode 1, Joe describes the 24/7 security services he has monitoring the zoo. Super highly trained gaurds.

Some other wtf moments

This guy

This Joker mask runs a safari zoo in Myrtle Beach and he's Joe's "mentor." Next to Jeff's creep ass, this guy gets the silver medal in the Makes-My-Skin-Crawl Olympics. He is so fucking gross and not just because of that nasty soul patch situation. To summarize: He has many women entrapped, I mean working, at his zoo and many of them have been working for him since they were teenagers. He's in relationships with several of them, so we're one cement compound away from this being a sex cult.

Also his name is Doc Antle, but ever since he did yoga that one time, he thinks he's enlightened and prefers to go by Bhagavan Antle. Thanks, I hate it.

Smoking around several containers of gasoline, why not!

The meat truck

This truckload of expired Walmart meat gets delivered every few days to feed the tigers. It also feeds the guys who work at the zoo because they're only paid $133 A WEEK.

The fire

Oh yeah, a case of arson happens because what kind of back country documentary would this be without fire. At some point, someone sets fire to Joe's "studio" slash alligator enclosure (why these two things are housed in the same place, I have no idea). It kills all of the alligators and destroys all of the footage captured for Joe's reality show shot by this guy:

The producer, who I believe might just be a bunch of cigarettes taped together dressed in a jacket and hat, believes Joe set the fire as a way to destroy all of the footage of him criming. Joe tries to convince everyone it was Carole's doing.

And lastly, this

Near the end of the series, we get this phenomenal scene of James, the snitch, riding on his jetski set to "Eye of the Tiger." I hope his ass gets thrown in jail eventually purely for his horrendous haircut. A crime against humanity.

And that's it! The main takeaway of this entire ordeal is that we should not give white people so many rights. Omg, I'm kidding, the main takeaway is Carole def killed her husband.

See you all soon! Til then find me shifting my attention to rewatching the filmography of Freddie Prinze Jr. (lolol jk just "She's All That") and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

I watched this: The Kissing Booth

With some us maybe spending a little more time than usual streaming shows/movies I'm here to help you decide what to watch by providing some completely unsolicited commentary on Netflix originals. Just doing my part.

There's so many options, so I did spend 30-45 seconds deciding which to start with. While I love both "To All the Boys" movies, I feel like starting with either of those is a little too predictable.

Instead, we're getting this party started with "The Kissing Booth," which coincidentally enough is another movie that I *begged* people to watch, but not for the same reasons as the "To All the Boys" movies. Rather, I'm trying to gather witnesses of this atrocity. And I say that as the Mayor of Enjoys-Bad-Movies Town! It is, hands down, the worst movie I've seen in the last decade. So let's dive in!

The basics

Duration: This movie is 1 hour and 45 minutes of nonstop crap. There is no break. But on the flipside, by watching all of it, you get to join me in this wondrous land of regret, which is terrible but there's cookies in the back.

Netflix's plot summary: "When teenager Elle's first kiss leads to a forbidden romance with the hottest boy in high school, she risks her relationship with her best friend." I love how this summary begins like a Shakespearean tragedy by using "forbidden" but then quickly detours to crap town with  "hottest boy in school."

My complete plot summary: With visuals!

Elle and Lee grew up together. Lee's older brother Flynn has always seen Elle has a younger sister until her boobs come in. He then realizes he's in love with her.  Elle and Flynn's relationship progresses from nothing to Noah and Allie in "The Notebook" in 5 minutes. Drama ensues because Lee gets to decide who Elle dates and his brother is forbidden fruit. Elle is like "Guess what I'm Eve and I'm bout to eat this forbidden fruit." Ultimately, things end happily for everyone except for me who looks like a clown for watching this entire movie.

Things I hated

1) Well, the entire thing
From start to finish. But I guess I can outline the worst parts....

2) The idea that puberty only equals boobs

Off the bat, they're really emphasizing that Elle has "matured" between the summer of her sophomore and junior year, which the producers think mostly includes getting boobs. Or well sorry, they also want to point out it affects your butt and thighs as is referenced when Elle rips her one and only pair of pants available. This leaves her with a skirt from Baby Gap as her only option. HER ONLY OPTION. SOMEHOW ALL OF HER BOTTOMS ARE AT THE DRY CLEANERS?? Can someone please let me know if this is something rich white people do? Send all of their bottoms to the dry cleaners at once? It just seems very inefficient.

Throughout this movie, scenes look like they are shot from the lens of a teenage boy finding a peep hole in the girl's bathroom.

Exhibit A (above): When she shows up to school, we get this artistically shot (lololol) slo-mo of everyone staring and pointing at her "new body" as if she is some sort of Transformer emerging from a transformation never before seen on Earth.   

This is the point when I tell you this movie's screenplay was written by a 48-year-old white man. Ah yes, no one understands how a woman matures quite like a middle aged man, making this is all very non-creepy.

3) Literally all of the dialogue

Some examples for your consideration:

• "I don't start fights, I only finish them."
• "If he can't see how completely baller you are, he's not the right guy for you."
• "No boobs are worth a broken nose."

You just can't teach natural writing abilities like this. Where is the Oscar nomination for Best Screenplay.

4) The popular girls trope

In this movie, they're creatively called the "OMG Girls," after their names Olivia, Mia and Gwyneth. There is absolutely no way the girl in the middle is not 35. I don't even mean that as an insult, I just mean it as fact.

In a depiction that is more overdone than my baked chicken (I literally have no idea how long to cook it except for "to death"), the "popular girls" are rude, ditzy cheerleaders who eat like birds and are only interested in football players.  This combo of prerequisites for popularity has always confused me, because when has it been "cool" to be.....mean AND stupid? Like you can only be one, max.

The whole thing with them only eating bananas and drinking water is problematic for a long list of reasons, but I'll just address the pure inaccuracy of it. I can't speak for every girl, but when I was a teenager (just a few reboots of Spider Man ago), there was never a point in the day I was not hungry. My mom made me eat breakfast in the morning, then I'd literally have two lunches during the day, one of those giant Otis Spunkmeyer muffins before soccer practice, maybe a Taco Bell quesadilla on the way home after practice, then 18 servings of whatever my mom made for dinner. My point here is: Presenting some world where girls don't also need to eat a shit ton like boys do while they're growing is so tired and uninformed.

5) Elle running in cleats on the street

Aside from the fact that everyone over the age of fetus knows you shouldn't wear cleats off the field, walking around in them on a hard surface is sort of uncomfortable? Yet "soccer star" Elle decides to run 5 miles home in them?????? PLOT HOLE.

6) This appearance by Satan

So while the middle aged dude who wrote this script is oversexualizing the girls, he's also presenting all of the boys as predatory creeps. This scene had literally no point except to elicit a violent response from the hot violent football player from Euphoria. Well that, and to ensure this man's facial expression haunts our dreams forever.

7) Putting this girl into every scene of the movie to remind us that it's about teenagers because we've def forgotten since half of the cast looks like a bunch of 30-year-old narcs masquerading as teens:

I'm pretty sure they stopped making mouth gear like this in 2005, like you can't even ask for it. But this Oscar-winning writer's room probably thought "Oh yes, mouth gear, that is what the youths will relate to."

8) The lack of budget for brushes on set????

They somehow got through an entire movie without brushing the main girl's hair once???? Baffling.

Things I liked

This cameo by an In-n-Out double double burger:

That's it. Absolutely nothing else.

So should you watch this?

Okay here's the confusing part — yes, I want you to watch because misery really does love company. While this movie is shittier than the port-a-potties at a rainy music festival, it also presents a great opportunity to unite us with an activity that has united people for centuries — talking crap about something crappy.

And that's it! Will likely cover a TV show that rhymes with Dove Flyland next week. Til then, find me searching for Zac Efron's house on Google Earth and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's post is brought to you by MADI'S FLY ASS GOLD HOOPS:

Seems she hoops on and off the court (oh my god yes, I agree I am hilarious thanks). Also tbh, her makeup is pretty great here, like she has no pores it's insane.

We made it to the finale! And we've moved to Alice Springs, Northern Territory, something we wouldn't know without this totally unnecessary K-Mart graphic:

The producers are so generous to spread the stench of this show across Australia as far and wide as possible.

It's the last four hours Peter has to prove that he's a good guy with a good heart who can make good decisions! Will he do it? Lolllllllllll absolutely not, so here we go!

Hannah Ann meets the parents
We begin the episode with Peter reuniting with his parents and brother and him immediately diving into talking about how much he loves Madi and can't wait for his family to love her too.

With all of this Madi talk, we naturally progress to our first parental meeting with....Hannah Ann.

During this entire introduction, Peter is wrapped around Hannah Ann like a baby koala clinging for its mama, which I found to be a little distracting. Like this woman is trying to make an impression on your parents and you're squeezing her ribcage. And by "make an impression" I mean Hannah says things like how proud she is to "be a part of Peter," to which I'm like when did she donate a kidney to him. This is new information.

She continues her Great American Speeches tour with Peter's mom, which mostly includes her crying. But in her defense, the crying could be a delayed response to getting her brows freshly threaded:

THOSE FRESH BROW EDGES THO. Ultimately, both of Peter's parents love her. His dad asks if there's anything missing with her and Peter says no despite us all knowing there is one thing missing and it's that Hannah Ann is not Madi.

Madi meets the parents
Madi is up next on this crapshoot. Before her and Peter go inside, they have an obligatory bench moment.

Madi shares how hard this experience has been and Peter emphasizes how he wants to do anything to make this work (except not have sex with the two other women). She says that it seems like he keeps putting his needs before her and it's hurtful and instead of recognizing that she is entitled to feel the way she feels, he responds with "WELL YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME YOU LOVE ME." Okay not those exact words, but that's 97% accurate.

Madi, who is now crying, tells him she loves him, adding that she wanted to tell him during their pre-Fantasy Suites date. I think I speak for everyone when I say, HOW IS HER MASCARA NOT SMUDGING? Like girl is crying all out and none of her eye makeup is dripping. I need to know what waterproof eyeliner this is.

Now that Peter has beat the final boss of this video game by tricking Madi into admitting she loves him, he's ready for her to meet his parents.

During Madi's chat with Peter's dad, he points out how different they are in terms of religion as if Madi has asked Peter to join a convent or something. Madi admits that religion is important to her, but that she's totally okay with Peter not being at her level of faith as long as he's open to growing.

Meanwhile, Peter's brother Jack, who has Benjamin Buttoned and looks about 15 years younger than the last time we saw him, is also concerned with their differences.

This fratty convo ensues:
Jack: Bro, y'all haven't had sex, how have you not died
Peter: I really do love Madison, she's worth waiting for
Jack: Wut
Peter: I care about her a lot
Jack: AS MUCH AS YOU CARE ABOUT LINE DANCING AND CLUBBING?
Peter: Yeah
Jack: But your whole life is sex, clubbing and line dancing and it seems like she won't fit into that

So checking the scoreboard, Peter's dad thinks Madi is too religious and his brother thinks she isn't trying to find love in this club (Usher baby). So let's bring in Peter's mom Barb to round out this judgement and sentencing of Madison.

Barb tells Madi that Peter, like her, isn't that religious but is "spiritual," which I think just means she likes to collect crystals. Barb adds that she doesn't want anyone to change Peter's club ho' ways because what mom wants her 28-year-old son to grow up and stop paying $25 for vodka sodas?? I can't even imagine!

Time for Barb to eek out that camera time
After Madi leaves, Peter's family collectively hops on this bandwagon called "Madi must be boring because she goes to church." And this is the point when I tell you that every hoe friend group needs a Madi — she's the one who ensures y'all all get back to the apartment and drink water (well not drink water but probably eat Doritos). Your church friend is the one who phones Jesus to ensure you don't end up sleeping under the flagpole in the middle of campus in a Halloween costume (this did not happen to me, stop asking).

Barb, who just 13 seconds ago emphasized she's not religious, then gets in her pulpit and tells Peter that she PRAYED for the right girl for him and God put Hannah Ann in his path. Meanwhile, God's like "Who's Barb?" She also calls Hannah Ann an "angel on earth," which is inherently false because has Hannah Ann even had an email address like "sweet_angel16" or "azn_angel4life" because those are the qualifying factors.

Barb then pulls out her final magic trick of bursting into tears to deliver the line we've heard in previews this entire season, "Bring her home to us."

FYI the "her" she's referring to is Hannah Ann and not a new puppy, which would've been better.

Peter tells her to stop with the dramatics because he is the only one who's allowed to be the dramatic center of attention.

The main takeaway here is — Peter's parents are in love with Hannah Ann while Peter has already filed paperwork to change his last name to Madison's (literally his name to "Peter Madison's" because he has a peanut brain). Also Barb is clearly trying to manipulate Peter into choosing the woman she happens to like most which is a totally healthy thing for a mom to do.

Madi's final date
For his last date with Madison, Peter really pulls out all the stops and sets up something completely new and lololol jk they ride in a fucking helicopter AGAIN. They fly around Uluru, which Professor Peter so eloquently provides facts about.

They then sit under a random tree and Peter pours them cider (because Madi doesn't drink, I guess?) before cheers'ing with "To seeing if our love is as strong as......that rock over there." THAT ROCK. Wow, the intelligence and wit really jump out.

Let's get to the point of this unsharpened pencil. The shit that Barb said to Madi has only amplified her own doubts. She tells Peter they're so different and their lives outside of this nightmare experiment will be difficult because of those differences. She notes that she doesn't want him to change (if he wants to stay in da clurrrrb) and that a part of loving him so much is knowing when to let go. Peter responds by staring at the thing that contributed so much to the demise of his and Madi's relationship.

He obviously doesn't want her to go and pleads with her because he has already gotten "MADI WILL U MERRY ME?" on his back (I imagine Peter is one of those people who confuses "marry" and "merry"). But it's not enough and her mind is made up to leave. But before she does, Peter asks to see if he can get his thumbs AND fingers to touch around her neck:

He can't, meaning he fails the final thing that would've gotten her to stay.

While crying in the car, Madi says "walking away from someone you love is the worst feeling ever," which again not to fact check but I must.

The actual "worst" feeling ever is walking away from a Vegas buffet knowing that you could've fit another plate in the ol' belly. Real ragrets.

Anyway, Madi leaves and Peter is emotionally distraught because I cannot emphasize this enough, he has wanted to propose to her since Week 2. But sure, let's watch him go on a date with his second choice just 12 hours later.

Hannah Ann's final date
Since Peter and Hannah Ann do not actually enjoy speaking to each other, their date includes an activity that features the best cast member this season:

BABY KANGAROOS!!!! I KNOW THEY'RE CALLED JOEYS BUT I LIKE SAYING "BABY KANGAROOS." I AM LIKE CLUB RAT PETER AND WILL NOT CHANGE. They hold and feed these lil' roos and talk about nothing relationship-related because that's not something they need to do the day before they could possibly get engaged.

Want to note that Hannah Ann seems hesitant to hold them at first, possibly because she's worried about rubbing off the INTENSE level of contouring she's sporting on her boobular region:

Like, that's not sweat. She's just wearing THAT MUCH highlighter, you'd think she was the most important notes in a textbook.

Later that night, Peter stops by Hannah's room that is surely a fire hazard because there are approx 34 candles burning behind this couch:

She has already slipped into something a little more comfortable and by that I mean she touched up her boob makeup and put on a bandage dress. Live your life, girl! Looking like she's ready to go to the Grammys while Peter is in sweats looking like a graham cracker.

He tells her he's never questioned their relationship, but it's hard because his heart is being pulled in two directions. This is obviously upsetting to hear since um, the proposal is happening tomorrow so like, he should probably have some level of clarity. They end this unsettling conversation more unsettled than my stomach that time I ate some undercooked shrimp.

With one woman left, I wonder who Peter will propose to!! Will it be Hannah Ann? Or will it be Hannah Ann? DEAR GOD THE ANTICIPATION!!

Well this isn't going to end well
It's the mandated proposal day, so Neil Lane and his airbrushed face stop by for Peter to pick out a ring.

He picks this itty bitty one and I say itty bitty because he's able to hold it with just his stubby fingers. If the diamond doesn't need to be rolled in with a wheelbarrow, I'm not rolling into this marriage, ya heard.

So Peter shows up to the required engagement area and because time is not a real thing in this universe, who knows how many minutes pass before Chris Harrison shows up to tell him Hannah Ann *might* not be coming. Peter then retreats to this random shack where, even though he's surrounded by plush towels and literal pillows, he opts to lay on a balled up extra small jean jacket:

The stupidity of this man's choices is endless.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann is also napping fully dressed ON TOP OF THE COMFORTER WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING Y'ALL NOT TO DO. I guess this is the reason she's running late and like, who hasn't been late because of a formal nap.

She eventually shows up and as punishment for her tardiness, has to walk like 14 miles in stilettos to the outdoor patio setup this show has forced upon this naturally beautiful place.

After walking a half marathon, Hannah Ann needs a quick power nap. Especially since she's about to  endure Peter speaking in paragraphs.

Now obviously we know that Peter is going to propose to her because well, she is the only one left. It's kind of like on flights when they ask "Chicken or beef?" before realizing they only have chicken left and hoisting it on you. THERE IS NO CHOICE. But our messy bitch Peter needs to drag this moment out and make Hannah doubt if he's proposing to her.

His speech to her, summarized:
"I've cherished every moment with you and I have to follow my heart and anyway Madison left two days ago so whatever, do you wanna get married since she's not here?"

She acts more surprised than someone actually winning a stuffed animal in one of those claw machines and obviously accepts.

What I need to point out is this entire engagement feels weird. During his speech, it's like he tries to make his voice crack and furrows his brow like he's crying, but he's not. And Hannah Ann is surprised, as is evident by the diameter of her mouth, but the way she reacts vocally is like someone gave her an order of fries for free. Like, "Oh, for me? Cool, thanks."

They pop champagne and celebrate what has been one of the worst engagements on this series ever.

Barb, back again
Post-engagement, we're back in LA in some random prop house for Peter to tell his family he got engaged.

Love how dramatically over-the-top they look. But this is big news because they're finding out if Peter will get to continue his super amazing life of going line dancing on the weekends.

Peter, who I hate, really draws this out because he can feel his time in the spotlight is dwindling with this season coming to a close. After delivering a speech only comprised of cliffhangers, he finally admits he's engaged to Hannah Ann. Barb reacts as we expect her to:

Now, I am loud as hell and I enjoy being loud as hell, but screaming and crying like this is something even I know is over the top and only reserved for very very very special occasions. Like surprisingly bumping into a baby wiener dog wearing a sweater and little boots. Only then.

"I AM SHOCKED," said no one
So there's this period of time after filming wraps and before the show's finale airs when the engaged couple has to sort of hide away, so the show rents them a place to stay for their visits. This particular visit begins in a regular way, with them sitting in the most uncomfortable position possible accompanied by a live reactionary shot of Barb:

We learn it has been a month since they last saw each other and it's been pretty rough. Peter thanks her for being strong and for giving so much to their relationship and Hannah tells him that she's willing to fight for them but needs for this to be a 50/50 situation. Peter blabs on before basically saying he's still thinking about Madison (without saying her name). And this is the face of a woman realizing the stuffed animal she won in the claw game is not a stuffed animal, but a live skunk and dear god it has sprayed her.

Hannah Ann tells him he has taken the experience of her first engagement away before walking to the bathroom, something that reveals her pants have a zipper above the butt (and also that there's a photobooth in this Airbnb?):

Peter, upset that we've now gotten a full shot of Hannah's outfit but not his, walks to the bathroom too, revealing that he's wearing something he saw on Instagram but is not even close to pulling off:

Now y'all, this is what we call a hot boy look. Hot boys can wear it. Shawn Mendes can wear it. The Weeknd can wear it. Peter and his marshmallow head cannot wear this.

They then continue their breakup in the bathroom and Hannah tells Peter he should've just let her go while waving that dinky ass engagement ring in his face.

She calls him out for not being honest while calling him "poor, conflicted Peter" (lololol) and he cries that he couldn't have seen this coming (note: he could). She eventually gives the ring back saying she has nothing else to say to him, leading us to believe she's walking out of the house.

But she doesn't because there's still 30 minutes left in this finale so she sort of aimlessly walks around the kitchen until Peter pops up again like a zit before an important event. He says he needs to say something before she interrupts his blubbering to say that he betrayed her. She then gets him to admit he betrayed her before saying now she can move on with her life and seals the declaration with a single tear.

She then stares beyond the camera as if to see if she has permission to leave this hellhole before her and Peter walk out....holding hands? Bizarre. Luckily, it's not the last hand Peter gets:

One last high five for the road (jk she tells him to shoo as he attempts to apologize again though I realize you probably gathered this and did not assume she was trying to high five him).

New hair, who dis
During the live portion of this 18-hour episode, Hannah Ann gets one last chance to shit on Peter and it's fantastic.

She brings up how he even called her parents to say that he wishes he and Hannah had met outside of a reality show (wtf not helpful). He says repeatedly "I swear to God that I was in love with you," to which God is AGAIN like "Who is this?" She calls him out for downplaying how much it affected him that Madison left before the engagement and he attempts to defend himself, saying he figured his pain would subside and he couldn't risk losing Hannah Ann too. Lolllllll boy.

We also learn that Peter reached out to Hannah B. AGAIN for closure after he and Hannah Ann got engaged, which what the actual hell. And here's the thing, is Peter a selfish asshole who should never be allowed happiness? Yes. But is he at least still good looking?

HELL NO. Looking like a clown.

Madi, don't do it
So 60 seconds after Peter and Hannah Ann ended their engagement, Chris Harrison sprinted over to Madison's house to let her know that Peter was back on Tinder and ready for her to swipe. Madison admits she would've done things differently and would like to see him. And since Chris Harrison is a genie, he magically transports her to Peter.

Peter is "surprised" (note: this was def producer planned and he knew) and Madi proceeds to tell him she still has so much love for him. We're then left with this moment that looks like it could be the main photo for a really bad Netflix rom-com to return to the live show.

Madison and Peter admit they're in love with each other, but when Chris asks what's next for them and if they're dating, Peter is super dodgy. He says they both have a lot of healing to do and have to take one step at a time, but that his feelings haven't changed. It's very weird, especially coming from his ho' ass because if they're not "officially" dating in his mind, he's DEF gonna cheat on her.

And we can't talk about Peter and Madison's relationship without including the person who thinks she has the biggest say-so in the matter: Barb. Honestly, one of the producers must be indebted to her, because her rude airtime this episode is entirely too much.

Barb says she liked Hannah Ann the most because of how loving she seemed before adding that the day they met Madison, she made them wait 3 hours (because her and Peter were hashing out their situation on the mandatory bench). And then, Madi who was going through one of the most emotionally draining times of her life with a fun sucking vampire, dared to not apologize to them for taking time to sort out the relationship that is reason for this show (and the reason for their free trip to Australia). This, on top of the fact that Madi truthfully admitted she couldn't accept a proposal in four days, did not sit right with Barb.

But now, since some time has passed, Barb reacts like any mature, loving mom who wants the best for her club going son would — by making faces during all of the segments featuring Madison and saying that she isn't right for Peter. Like Barb, calm down we can see your "I heart Hannah Ann" tattoo, we get it.

With her time atop the float in this Petty Parade coming to an end, she adds: "all of his friends and family agree they won't work." Great, thanks Barb! Super helpful!

When you get the Lord and the Bachelor in the end

Madi listens to Barb dish out her.....barbs (lolol thanks to Eliisa for that one) before calmly saying she won't say anything negative about Peter's family. And that this was just as much her journey as it was Peter's and just as he got to choose her, she also got to choose him.

And Peter emphasizes that his family has to accept they love each other. And with that, this horrendous season with one of the worst Bachelors comes to a wildly abrupt and confusing close.

They really Game of Thrones'd this Bachelor finale. Disappointing overall and anger inducing for how stupid everything concluded. But do I regret watching? YES, ALWAYS. I ALWAYS REGRET THIS. And because of this consistent feeling of regret, I have decided to only watch every single season for the next 200 years. Thank you for your support and understanding.

Congrats y'all, for making it through another season! Plaques are in the mail. See you all soon for something....either the incredibly lame version of The Bachelor that includes country music singers or maybe for some sort of "Love is Blind" review. Til then, find me screaming and crying over baby wiener dogs and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).