What did we learn from the 2017 VMAs?

So E! didn't host a red carpet special this year because MTV thought they had a handle on everything alone. And the red carpet wasn't outside, instead everyone arrived into this giant, dark dome thing that MTV kept bragging had air-conditioning (similar to people in New York who boast about having an in-unit washer/dryer, BITCH WE GET IT). Also, everyone knows that being out in the Los Angeles sun with mere mortals is so 2016.

Because I know you're curious, here's a pic of me at the show. I'm shy. And I look a lot like Gal Gadot which is why I'm doing this Wonder Woman pose.

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Anyway, I was genuinely worried that I would be short on ridic red carpet moments because of the lack of Seacrest/Rancic, but alas, the MTV hosts delivered.

One such host, Gaby Wilson, wore a dress from the 2006 Wet Seal collection, featuring custom made Shaq shoelaces.

She provided one of the best moments of the night when cameras were panning back to her after a commercial break and she obviously did not realize her mic was on as she said "I don't know who any of these people are." I am absolutely positive she was referring to these child-sized boxes of skim milk:

This was the first time I didn't know of a new group. Ever. In the history of K-Mac. Which, to be honest it's sad that I've kept up with all of these emerging fetus acts, but this group. What. Why did four of them buy the same wig and let the one on the right get the discounted "can I speak to your manager" white mom wig?

Our girl Gaby also interviewed Jared Leto and his band Thirty Seconds to Mars and anyway he came dressed as the grand wizard of candy mountain.

Jared then proceeded to remind us that he loooooves to mansplain. A quick recap:

Jared: "Our performance will feature some technology that's never been seen before."

Gaby: "Oh really? What kind of technology?"

Jared: "...a technology that has never been seen before."

Gaby: "...yeah, I mean I know what you literally mean."

He then continued to prove why he is our ex-boyfriend by taking a jab at Gaby's youth with this exchange:

Jared: "The band hasn't been at the VMAs in four years. How old were you four years ago?"

Gaby: "...four years younger than I am now."

BOY BYE, GET THAT BUBBLE BATH BEARD OUT OF HERE. Which, speaking of horrendously creepy facial hair, we also had to endure this:

I don't know what creepy trucker convention both Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris arrived from, all I know is I've never felt a more physical rejection to something (besides that time I had "sushi" from that gas station). I can't linger on this section anymore because I fear they'll both materialize outside my window or something.

Enough with these wack ass dudes. Best dressed of the night:

Yes, Teyana Taylor is just wearing wide legged slacks and a white crop top, but you guys. Have you seen her face and hair in coordination with her bod. It's ridic. She must be one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and if you're ever looking for inspiration to go to the gym, just watch Kanye's "Fade" video. On my way to buy this outfit because I assume it'll have some sort of Teyana effect giving me instant abs.

I liked the simple yet elegant factor to Lauren Jauregui's red dress. Plus, who doesn't love underboob cutouts to air the tater tots out. Also, I bet those cutouts can serve as quasi-pockets if you're ever unsure of where to put your hands. Just put them in those little underboob hand holsters. As an aside, I have an entire dissertation about how perfect Lauren's brows are. They're insanely ridic and she just wakes up every day with them looking like that. She doesn't have to brush and detangle and fill them in like a paint-by-numbers situation.

I know Hailee Steinfeld's dress looks a little like a fancy wrinkled napkin, but I'm digging it. It has this great cutout perfect for placing a bowl of cereal on while you're eating lying down. Love the color and the length and the cross-neck deal that 2006-me would have clipped her Motorola Razr onto. Convenience!

I think I've made it pretty clear in past posts that I love Demi's current look. These MC Hammer-Aladdin pants look comfortable as hell yet they remain fancy because everyone knows bejeweling anything makes it fancy. And I'm a die-hard fan for nude colored bodysuit tops and have been since Britney did it in the "Toxic" vid.

Before moving onto the actual show I need to note my absolute favorite thing of the pre-show:

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Cardi B performed "Bodak Yellow," aka, the song I've been listening to on repeat in an effort to memorize the lyrics. I like having a song prepared should a mic fall into my lap at a birthday, wedding, funeral, etc. For some background, she's from the Bronx, was on "Love & Hip Hop: New York" and used to be a stripper. So what I'm saying is that my role models are now Hillary (Clinton and Duff), Amal Clooney and Cardi B.

To the show!

Kendrick Lamar. So hot right now.

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Kendrick Lamar literally set the stage on fire and had ninjas running around while performing "DNA" and "Humble" and I became angry again that Swifty beat him for album of the year at the 2016 Grammys. I saw him live just a couple months ago and I can verify that he is amazing. Even while he's rapping 120 mph, his voice is still smooth like cheesecake. He won 6 VMAs, including video of the year and was so humble (haha, good one) only making every single person on the planet love him more.

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Lil Uzi Vert (ginger) spiced up his life

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First off, having Ed perform right after Kendrick is like having a super flavorful, amazing entree only to follow it up with plain ass greek yogurt for dessert. But he did bring out Lil Uzi Vert and they did this mash-up of "Shape of You" and "XO Tour Llif3," which included Ed singing the hook of Uzi's song. And um, I'll just let Cardi B's reaction speak for me as well:

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Fifth Harmony snatched every single wig that I own

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When I first saw five silhouettes on stage, I was like, oh I guess Camila came back. But then the middle girl got ripped off stage making them a petty party of four and it was dramatic and extra and EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A PERFORMANCE. They sang a bit of "Angel" before segueing into the next part of the performance by doing this:

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They performed "Down" with Gucci Mane (plz watch it ASAP here) and their choreography was on point and just when I thought I was done screaming, Normani did this and completely slayed me:

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I involuntarily screamed "YOOOO OH MY GOD GIRL YAAAAAAS BITCH" and Bebe Rexha had exactly the same reaction:

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They concluded their performance with rain, which as we all know is my copyrighted stage finisher:

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My point here is that I am now bald and Fifth Harmony is to blame. Please don't let them Danity Kane themselves with a breakup anytime soon.

WHO THE HELL CUT OFF JULIA MICHAELS

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There's nothing worse than listening to Julia Michaels' amazing voice only to have it interrupted by an announcer saying "Next up, the exclusive premiere of Taylor Swift's new video" AND THEN CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL. I can't tell you how many times Taylor Swift has interrupted something I love. Like right now, she is interrupting this paragraph. GET OUT, SWIFTY.

Update: Shawn Mendes is 19

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Which means I am only like 1 1/2 dog years older than him and if Aaliyah taught me anything it's to dust yourself off and try again and also age aint nothin but a number, baby. (Also to clarify, I am not a creep, we have established that in the fact that he is 19)

Lorde really out Lorde'd herself

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Okay in her defense, she was sick, so I suppose that's why she didn't sing. Instead, we got this semi-strange but very Lorde'y interpretive dance set to "Homemade Dynamite." I love how she is at that level of fame where she doesn't even have to sing. Millions of people can just watch her dance to her own song. Totally down with that.

Demi stole my casual Friday outfit

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Don't y'all hate it when you find that perfect balance of a top held together by safety pins with cowboy pants only to find that someone else is wearing it first? So frustrating. Can't hate her though because, well, her voice is amazing and her dancers concluded the performance by death dropping. This is the one dance move in life I strive to learn. I haven't mastered it yet mostly due to the fear that my kneecaps will shoot out of my skin. But hey, who needs those pesky kneecaps anyway!

What cardio routine does Pink do

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Pink received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and performed a medley of all her hits, aka, songs every person knows every lyric to. She ran around and sang live and honestly I was exhausted. I imagine her workout routine includes her sprinting up Mt. Everest carrying every member of The Pussycat Dolls. 

The audience shots of her daughter and husband Carey Hart were entirely too cute:

She gave the sweetest speech, telling her daughter to love herself and that she is beautiful and reminded us why we love Pink and her no-BS attitude.

Logic had me feeling real human emotions

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Logic, Alessia Cara and Khalid performed "1-800-273-8255," which is titled after the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Suicide loss and attempt survivors joined them onstage and it was truly a moving performance that ended with Logic giving a pretty powerful speech about the importance of using his platform to address issues like mental health and depression. Definitely one of the best performances of the night.

Thirty Seconds to Mars or promo for that Just Dance game?

So infrared was the "technology" Jared Leto mansplained in the pre-show. Which, I guess when you take yourself as seriously as Jared Leto, aka Jordan Catalano, does, then this was super artsy and amazing and wow. All I kept thinking was it looked like those cheesy commercials for that Just Dance game. Seems gamers beat dear ol' Jared to being most hip.

Jack Antonoff is all of us watching Katy Perry bomb as host

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Not including her in any of this because I found her to be so incredibly awkward. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since that time I wore skinny jeans over a sunburn on an international flight. She did however gift us with an appearance by Nicki Minaj during "Swish Swish," for which we do thank her.

And that's it! I can't believe the show was three hours, more importantly, I can't believe I avoided Game of Thrones finale spoilers that were plastered all over Twitter. Where is my award for managing to do that.

I leave you with this absolutely necessary gif of Cardi B. See you in September for the Emmys!

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Let's chat about The Bachelorette Finale

If you're reading this, it's already too late (thanks Drake). Rachel chose Bryan and everything is terrible. I want to begin this post by stating that this was the first time I watched a Bachelor/Bachelorette finale and dear God I did not know this was the TV version of Moby Dick. THREE HOURS. THREE. 180 MINUTES.

And honestly, I have not felt more disappointed after watching 3 hours of something since I paid money to see Avatar (I will never get over the premise of them having "sex" through their ponytails).

Before we address the messy live show portions, let's revisit Rachel's final dates with the guys.

Any suite is a fantasy with Peter (ew I'm gross)
The episode picks up where we left off two weeks ago with Rachel and Peter beating a dead horse over the "not being ready to propose" issue. At this point, it's very clear that Rachel only wants a ring (man giving the ring is optional) and Peter only wants to propose once and takes proposing very seriously. He thinks it's kookoo for Cocoa Puffs to propose after knowing someone for three months while Rachel stares at him with this expression:

They go round and round where each of them says the same thing but with different inflection points and eventually Rachel is like this is dumb let's go to the Fantasy Suite (bow chicka wow wow).

Which, duh, of course she asks Peter to go to the Fantasy Suite, we should all ask him. I know I slide into his DM's every day inquiring about it. She thinks that she'll then "have clarity in the morning" to which I have many inappropriate jokes about, but my initial thoughts were YES GIRL, TAKE HIM INTO THE FANTASY SUITE FOR "CLARITY."

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Anyway, they wake up the next morning after a night of innocently reading classical literature and watching Freddie Prinze Jr. movies and the producers tease us by showing us Peter's bare back but no chest/abs shot, which to be honest is rude. I know it seems like I'm objectifying Peter but that is only because I am and I've endured months of this show so I think I deserve something. Also I don't know what he's cooking, but serve me a plate of it. I feel there's a chance it's like scrambled Gatorade with Cheerios because as we've learned, God doesn't give with both hands.

This one Fantasy Suite evening basically Men in Black erases their memories about how they want different things for the future and they leave the date feeling all happy and giddy. Dramz is obviously to come.

Rachel then spends her date with Bryan thinking about Peter

Because, duh. She claims it's because Peter got in her head. Okay and I know you want me to make the cheap, easy joke here and say "yeah got in her head and also her bed" and anyway yes that's exactly what I'm saying. And let me be very clear: I am not shaming her. I am literally giving her a standing ovation. 

So while Bryan is blabbing about cheek implants or light washed jeans or whatever it is he talks about, she's making this face, thinking about Peter:

Coincidentally enough, this is the exact face I make when trying to figure out when I should get a side of fries or a side of tater tots or both.

She obviously asks Bryan to the Fantasy Suite and they feed each other strawberries the next morning and honestly who cares because they did not eat the bacon. Here Rachel contemplates her tragic life decision to not eat the bacon.

Gee, I wonder who she sends home next

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Poor Eric. Tells a girl he loves her for the first time only for Rachel to be like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," which inflicts more heart pain than when you've poured a luxurious bowl of Fruity Pebbles only to find the milk carton in the fridge has tricked you and only contains fumes of milk. But he's sweet, and thanks for her teaching him about love and letting him love her and that he will probably always love her, which omg pull at my rusty heart strings.

Chris then brings out Eric to the live show and we all stare in awe of his revenge beard.

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Look, I generally save my loudest woo's for groups of Marines running by in those tiny green shorts, but Eric elicited one. He and Rachel exchanged pleasantries and he confessed how surprised he was when she sent him home because he was sure she would send Peter home since he was so against proposing. To summarize, Rachel responds with "It's not that I didn't love you...it's just that damn did you see how hot Peter was, omg, you understand right?" She also says it's hard to see him now, likely because he's hotter than a bag of bearded habanero peppers on fire.

Back to the final dates

Rachel takes Bryan on a hot air balloon and I don't remember much of this because once he appeared in some 80's light-washed jeans and a leather jacket, I was done with him.

Based on what I've seen this season, I imagine the majority of Bryan's "casual" clothes are dad clothes from the 80s with a few "trendy" items (like those God-forsaken jogger pants) sprinkled in so he feels hip. This was the point that I started to realize perhaps Rachel isn't as smart as I thought she was. As young women, we all learned that you never let a man wearing light-washed jeans and a leather jacket kiss you.

Okay also, I was generally confused about the temperature because Rachel showed up wearing this:

A crop top with two jackets? Where is she? Honolulu, Alaska? This is very confusing because the only time I Winnie the Pooh out with my belly is at a buffet and I don't see any trays of mashed potatoes near her, so I guess Spain has the type of weather that makes your arms and back really cold but your stomach hot. 

Fashion aside, they had a pleasant final date. He tells her it would be a mistake to not pick him, which no, we've already established the only mistake is that light-washed jeans + leather jacket combo. He also says that if he loses her, it will be the biggest loss in his life. Clearly the man has never experienced saving the last perfect nacho chip, full of guacamole and carnitas and sour cream and salsa, only to drop said chip, shattering every dream you've ever had.

But like, when you say you don't want to propose, what do you mean

Let me give you a recap of the conversation Rachel and Peter have for 500 hours during their final date:

Peter: I'm not ready to propose.

Rachel: Okay, but what do you mean?

Peter: That I'm not ready to propose.

Rachel: But like, what does that mean?

Things get very emotional and Peter tells Rachel that he loves her but he's still not ready to propose but wants to be with her and can't lose her because they have a future together. She then says her trademarked line, "I came here for a fiance, not a boyfriend" and then they both JT cry me a river and it's all very upsetting.

After they've had the same discussion 494 more times, they end the night with this odd "break-up." It was all very confusing because it seems like they're breaking up, but then they make out a bunch, and then Rachel leaves and Peter cries more and then they cut to the live show where Chris Harrison is all like "So they broke up." It's like when Game of Thrones abruptly ends every week and you're just sitting there covered in Cheeto dust and all you can say is WHAT?

They then bring Peter out, and to be honest, I was still in disbelief, thinking the producers were playing with us and Peter is gonna come out and propose and be like "jk jk y'all, we're in love." But this doesn't happen, instead we get this tension-filled reunion:

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We learn two very important things from their reunion:

1) Rachel is clearly salty as hell over Peter not proposing (ha that sux Bryan) and says "I'm living my best life" which is exactly what a person who is not living their best life says.

2) DAMN, PETER IS STILL FINE AS HELL. One last gif reaction to him because I don't think I've made it clear how I feel about him:

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In her quest to be more salty than some cured meats, she then says that the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette "process" is not for Peter. READ: RACHEL IS STRAIGHT UP TRYING TO SABOTAGE PETER'S CHANCES AT BEING THE BACHELOR. Which is so rude because I've already filmed portions of my audition tape and I cannot return any of these gowns.

So we say bye to Peter and at this point I was still thinking he'd return and be like "omg jk we're together!" because I'm an optimist who was hoping I would not have to be exposed to Bryan's cheek implants again.

Oh Bryan, you're still here? K cool, you can propose

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Do they always make the couple trek 100 miles to some castle atop Mt. Everest for the finale? How the hell did Rachel even get to the top with those shoes? If the producers made me walk uphill wearing some heavy ass bejeweled gown in some stiletto heels I would honestly pass on the whole engagement part. Like, can we just do it right here by the car where I can slide out and slide back in.

Anyway, Bryan is all who's left and so in a shocking turn of events, Rachel chooses Bryan! This is like when someone brings in assorted cookies and in the beginning there's amazing choices like chocolate chip, double chocolate chip and macadamia nut, but because you were trying to take a pic of a one-legged pigeon outside you return to find all that remains is fucking oatmeal raisin. Bryan is Rachel's oatmeal raisin. Peter was her Levain cookie. Which, for all of you non-New Yorkers, this is a Levain cookie:

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To make matters worse, Oatmeal Raisin gives her a pear-shaped engagement ring. PEAR SHAPED. The only thing we as women want to receive that is pear-shaped is an actual pear. Trust me, I've polled every human woman.

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So he proposes and no one cares and it's all just a poot in the wind. Which, speaking of wind, they seemed to be in the middle of a hurricane or something. God was quite literally trying to stop the proposal from happening.

I mean, between you and me, I've chatted with God a few times this season and he's always been like "Yooo, I hope it's Peter in the end. He's so dreamy." How do you argue with God.

So Bryan proposed because he was the last crumbly cookie left and Rachel obviously said yes and Bryan celebrated by squeezing Rachel's head like a melon. How many zits do you think he's caused her this season by constantly touching her face? 

In continuing the downward spiral, Bryan then joined Rachel on the live show and I'm not including photos because it was just more of Bryan melon squeezing her. When asked about their future plans, Rachel said "We're just taking things slow and taking time to get to know each other." BITCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. YOU MEAN THE THING PETER WANTED TO DO.

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And so this was how my hundred-year journey with this show ended. As you all know, I really liked Rachel in the beginning. She seemed smart, has an amazing career and great family, but damn girl way to ruin it in the end. Her ending with Bryan is like if Michael Phelps was leading a race and just meters away from the finish decided to eat a box of donuts. Unsettling to say the least.

I'll wrap this up by stating the things I am certain of in life:

1) Danity Kane's debut album is the greatest masterpiece in the history of music

2) TLC's opening song to "All That" is the best opener in the history of television

3) Rachel is in love with Peter and only chose Bryan because he would propose

From the depths of my Ursula heart, thank you for enduring this season with me! I'm proud of us for making it. Currently deciding if I should go down with this ship and watch Bachelor in Paradise, so we'll see. Also, find me here if you're interested in my musings in 140 characters or less.

See you later this month for the MTV VMA's! And maybe next week for the Teen Choice Awards, I haven't decided if I'm going yet with my date, Shawn Mendes, who is 18 and a legal adult.

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Let's chat about "The Men Tell All"

This week's post is brought to you by Rachel's face making this expression because it so perfectly encapsulates my feeling on TWO HOURS of the "men" allegedly "telling all."

They spent the first 15 minutes reliving moments from past "Tell All" episodes, which was honestly akin to a 45-year-old finance bro talking about his glory days as the high school quarterback. 

The main takeaway from these flashbacks to past seasons was that the only REAL "Tell All's" happen during seasons of The Bachelor because the ladies always have real tea to spill. These dudes are boring as hell. And I'm not saying it's because the guys are garbage and as deep as a thin crust pizza, but I mean if the pepperoni fits. 

As a random aside, I've realized Chris Harrison has kind of small hands. Small hands are something I am extremely, EXTREMELY creeped out by. And there is no weird sexual innuendo BS associated with this, I am just flat out concerned about people whose hands are not proportional to their bodies. In college, I sat behind a small-handed guy and he'd always put his hand around the seat next to him, providing me with a full close-up of his petite paws and anyway here's how I remember them:

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I wouldn't have noticed, but Chris kept flailing his tiny hands around and my eyes could not help but focus on their small, yet deliberate motions. Looking back at the screenshots I took, they don't look that small but I swear they did in the moment. My eyes are specifically trained to be on high alert for the circus-like threat of small hands.

DeMario is still a lying dumbass

I randomly captured this image and it's just hilarious because look at his dumb face. They discussed his dramatic exit after Rachel found out he had a girlfriend just before coming on the show, an event that if we may recall introduced us to Demario's gf, Scrunchie Susie:

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Never forget. DeMario proceeded to attempt to lie again about his relationship with Scrunchie, but as we've learned, he is about as good at lying as a slotted spoon is at scooping up soup. He called her a "random chick," adding that by Rachel and Chris' logic, he's also dating Rihanna and Beyonce. WHICH, BACK THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW. How dare his lying ass use our Lord and Saviors' names in vain like that. 

Rachel swatted away his attempt at lying, noting, once again, that he dated this woman for six months. To which he stuttered, then called Scrunchie a side chick and insinuated she was only a booty call by quoting The Weeknd's lyrics "I only call you when it's half past five." These pop culture references were all extremely random but at this point his mouth was spewing more poo than that scene in Bridesmaids. He then made some sort of Bill Clinton and Monica reference and anyway all we learned is that DeMario is still an idiot. But we are forever grateful for him making Rachel send him home like this:

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Lee attempted to save face, but is still an ignorant racist

The Kenny-Lee issue was of course brought up and at first, Kenny didn't outright call out Lee for essentially targeting him, Eric and Josiah. Instead, he says that Lee was "not really on the same level as the other guys" (read: Lee's level is below scum). 

Lee tries to slip on his "hey I'm a good guy, I'm just misunderstood" mask and admits that Kenny did not pull him out of a van, something that he repeatedly told Rachel and something he used as "evidence" for Kenny being "aggressive." Lee also adds that he's facetious and makes jokes at inappropriate times when he's "uncomfortable." Which, as a PSA in case you were confused: Jokes are funny but racism is not. Lee's past tweets, which are overtly sexist and racist, were also brought up. Anthony, Josiah, Will and Kenny all attempted to get Lee to simply admit his tweets were racist and that he was in the wrong. Lee replied by trying to play the ol' "I don't even know who that person was then" card, which boy bye. He finally said "I denounce that tweet and I know it is offensive" while also trying to say that the tweet was from a longer Facebook post that was cut off. A half-assed apology that's pretty similar to when someone apologizes by saying "I'm sorry that you thought that I said..."

Bottom line: Lee skirted the issue, didn't outright admit to his actions and probably won't change who he is. It's clear he came on the show to attempt to save face, but we all know he's still a very particular breed of ignoramus. We also learned that ignorant racists have horrendous fashion (which, duh) based on this navy suit, black vest, cerulean shirt combo. I guess it's hard to match your clothes when your vision is clouded with so much stupidity.  

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As if we didn't already know, Kenny is a precious dad

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Chris surprised Kenny by bringing out his daughter, which was too cute. He cried a little of course because Kenny has human emotions (something I cannot relate to). It was a real, precious moment in the middle of this hot garbage show, which was refreshing. They also gave them a trip to Disney Land to celebrate Kenny's birthday, which to be honest, might actually be better than getting engaged.

Thank God they identified some of the guys

Because to be honest I was still like "Who is that?" Even Rachel admitted to them being strangers by saying she wished she could've spent more time with Adam and Matt. They're both like that one guy in the boyband who can't really sing or dance but nevertheless is in the group (looking at you Chris Kirkpatrick).

Dean got a new wig

Can someone scientifically explain how Dean swoops his hair because what. I haven't seen a hair swoop so perplexing since 90210's Brandon Walsh, which wait, does Dean look like Jason Priestley? I can't actually tell because the fumes from the mousse and hairspray and gel are leaving me in a state of confusion.

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As a note, I was in elementary school when 90210 was on TV, which was obviously the normal age for someone to be watching a teen soap. And one summer while in Hawaii with my fam, we happened upon them filming episodes and I distinctly remember being upset that I did not have my Lisa Frank notebook for Ian Zierling and Tori Spelling to sign. This event formed the basis for my teen angst along with the realization that no boy in high school looks like Luke Perry.

Anyway, back to Dean. He told Rachel, again, that he was confused at her sending him home just days after telling him she was falling in love with him. She says that she was truthful and did have strong feelings for him (we can all hear the hanging "buuuuut" there). I wish she would've just admitted "Yeah Deaniebabies I liked you a lot, but have you seen Peter?" 

All of our feelings on Dean are moot anyway because as it turns out, he is also a flaming pile of garbage, and not just because he agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. A girl posted a pic with him on IG, captioning it "Went black, but came back," obviously referencing this moment when Dean first met Rachel:

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And Dean validated his dumbass nature with the reply "Lololol at the caption." Thankfully, our queen Rachel came through with a short and sweet reply:

Can someone get Dean a lifetime supply of aloe because this burn may never heal. Rachel casually rolling through, snatching every wig in her vicinity and anyway, here's to you Dean.

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And so that was 120 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, but we did learn something amazing and spectacular: THE FINALE IS NEXT WEEK. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, Y'ALL. WE HAVE FINALLY MADE IT.

See you then when we toss this baby bird out of the nest!