What did we learn from the 2017 VMAs?

So E! didn't host a red carpet special this year because MTV thought they had a handle on everything alone. And the red carpet wasn't outside, instead everyone arrived into this giant, dark dome thing that MTV kept bragging had air-conditioning (similar to people in New York who boast about having an in-unit washer/dryer, BITCH WE GET IT). Also, everyone knows that being out in the Los Angeles sun with mere mortals is so 2016.

Because I know you're curious, here's a pic of me at the show. I'm shy. And I look a lot like Gal Gadot which is why I'm doing this Wonder Woman pose.

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Anyway, I was genuinely worried that I would be short on ridic red carpet moments because of the lack of Seacrest/Rancic, but alas, the MTV hosts delivered.

One such host, Gaby Wilson, wore a dress from the 2006 Wet Seal collection, featuring custom made Shaq shoelaces.

She provided one of the best moments of the night when cameras were panning back to her after a commercial break and she obviously did not realize her mic was on as she said "I don't know who any of these people are." I am absolutely positive she was referring to these child-sized boxes of skim milk:

This was the first time I didn't know of a new group. Ever. In the history of K-Mac. Which, to be honest it's sad that I've kept up with all of these emerging fetus acts, but this group. What. Why did four of them buy the same wig and let the one on the right get the discounted "can I speak to your manager" white mom wig?

Our girl Gaby also interviewed Jared Leto and his band Thirty Seconds to Mars and anyway he came dressed as the grand wizard of candy mountain.

Jared then proceeded to remind us that he loooooves to mansplain. A quick recap:

Jared: "Our performance will feature some technology that's never been seen before."

Gaby: "Oh really? What kind of technology?"

Jared: "...a technology that has never been seen before."

Gaby: "...yeah, I mean I know what you literally mean."

He then continued to prove why he is our ex-boyfriend by taking a jab at Gaby's youth with this exchange:

Jared: "The band hasn't been at the VMAs in four years. How old were you four years ago?"

Gaby: "...four years younger than I am now."

BOY BYE, GET THAT BUBBLE BATH BEARD OUT OF HERE. Which, speaking of horrendously creepy facial hair, we also had to endure this:

I don't know what creepy trucker convention both Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris arrived from, all I know is I've never felt a more physical rejection to something (besides that time I had "sushi" from that gas station). I can't linger on this section anymore because I fear they'll both materialize outside my window or something.

Enough with these wack ass dudes. Best dressed of the night:

Yes, Teyana Taylor is just wearing wide legged slacks and a white crop top, but you guys. Have you seen her face and hair in coordination with her bod. It's ridic. She must be one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and if you're ever looking for inspiration to go to the gym, just watch Kanye's "Fade" video. On my way to buy this outfit because I assume it'll have some sort of Teyana effect giving me instant abs.

I liked the simple yet elegant factor to Lauren Jauregui's red dress. Plus, who doesn't love underboob cutouts to air the tater tots out. Also, I bet those cutouts can serve as quasi-pockets if you're ever unsure of where to put your hands. Just put them in those little underboob hand holsters. As an aside, I have an entire dissertation about how perfect Lauren's brows are. They're insanely ridic and she just wakes up every day with them looking like that. She doesn't have to brush and detangle and fill them in like a paint-by-numbers situation.

I know Hailee Steinfeld's dress looks a little like a fancy wrinkled napkin, but I'm digging it. It has this great cutout perfect for placing a bowl of cereal on while you're eating lying down. Love the color and the length and the cross-neck deal that 2006-me would have clipped her Motorola Razr onto. Convenience!

I think I've made it pretty clear in past posts that I love Demi's current look. These MC Hammer-Aladdin pants look comfortable as hell yet they remain fancy because everyone knows bejeweling anything makes it fancy. And I'm a die-hard fan for nude colored bodysuit tops and have been since Britney did it in the "Toxic" vid.

Before moving onto the actual show I need to note my absolute favorite thing of the pre-show:

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Cardi B performed "Bodak Yellow," aka, the song I've been listening to on repeat in an effort to memorize the lyrics. I like having a song prepared should a mic fall into my lap at a birthday, wedding, funeral, etc. For some background, she's from the Bronx, was on "Love & Hip Hop: New York" and used to be a stripper. So what I'm saying is that my role models are now Hillary (Clinton and Duff), Amal Clooney and Cardi B.

To the show!

Kendrick Lamar. So hot right now.

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Kendrick Lamar literally set the stage on fire and had ninjas running around while performing "DNA" and "Humble" and I became angry again that Swifty beat him for album of the year at the 2016 Grammys. I saw him live just a couple months ago and I can verify that he is amazing. Even while he's rapping 120 mph, his voice is still smooth like cheesecake. He won 6 VMAs, including video of the year and was so humble (haha, good one) only making every single person on the planet love him more.

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Lil Uzi Vert (ginger) spiced up his life

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First off, having Ed perform right after Kendrick is like having a super flavorful, amazing entree only to follow it up with plain ass greek yogurt for dessert. But he did bring out Lil Uzi Vert and they did this mash-up of "Shape of You" and "XO Tour Llif3," which included Ed singing the hook of Uzi's song. And um, I'll just let Cardi B's reaction speak for me as well:

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Fifth Harmony snatched every single wig that I own

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When I first saw five silhouettes on stage, I was like, oh I guess Camila came back. But then the middle girl got ripped off stage making them a petty party of four and it was dramatic and extra and EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A PERFORMANCE. They sang a bit of "Angel" before segueing into the next part of the performance by doing this:

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They performed "Down" with Gucci Mane (plz watch it ASAP here) and their choreography was on point and just when I thought I was done screaming, Normani did this and completely slayed me:

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I involuntarily screamed "YOOOO OH MY GOD GIRL YAAAAAAS BITCH" and Bebe Rexha had exactly the same reaction:

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They concluded their performance with rain, which as we all know is my copyrighted stage finisher:

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My point here is that I am now bald and Fifth Harmony is to blame. Please don't let them Danity Kane themselves with a breakup anytime soon.

WHO THE HELL CUT OFF JULIA MICHAELS

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There's nothing worse than listening to Julia Michaels' amazing voice only to have it interrupted by an announcer saying "Next up, the exclusive premiere of Taylor Swift's new video" AND THEN CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL. I can't tell you how many times Taylor Swift has interrupted something I love. Like right now, she is interrupting this paragraph. GET OUT, SWIFTY.

Update: Shawn Mendes is 19

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Which means I am only like 1 1/2 dog years older than him and if Aaliyah taught me anything it's to dust yourself off and try again and also age aint nothin but a number, baby. (Also to clarify, I am not a creep, we have established that in the fact that he is 19)

Lorde really out Lorde'd herself

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Okay in her defense, she was sick, so I suppose that's why she didn't sing. Instead, we got this semi-strange but very Lorde'y interpretive dance set to "Homemade Dynamite." I love how she is at that level of fame where she doesn't even have to sing. Millions of people can just watch her dance to her own song. Totally down with that.

Demi stole my casual Friday outfit

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Don't y'all hate it when you find that perfect balance of a top held together by safety pins with cowboy pants only to find that someone else is wearing it first? So frustrating. Can't hate her though because, well, her voice is amazing and her dancers concluded the performance by death dropping. This is the one dance move in life I strive to learn. I haven't mastered it yet mostly due to the fear that my kneecaps will shoot out of my skin. But hey, who needs those pesky kneecaps anyway!

What cardio routine does Pink do

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Pink received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and performed a medley of all her hits, aka, songs every person knows every lyric to. She ran around and sang live and honestly I was exhausted. I imagine her workout routine includes her sprinting up Mt. Everest carrying every member of The Pussycat Dolls. 

The audience shots of her daughter and husband Carey Hart were entirely too cute:

She gave the sweetest speech, telling her daughter to love herself and that she is beautiful and reminded us why we love Pink and her no-BS attitude.

Logic had me feeling real human emotions

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Logic, Alessia Cara and Khalid performed "1-800-273-8255," which is titled after the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Suicide loss and attempt survivors joined them onstage and it was truly a moving performance that ended with Logic giving a pretty powerful speech about the importance of using his platform to address issues like mental health and depression. Definitely one of the best performances of the night.

Thirty Seconds to Mars or promo for that Just Dance game?

So infrared was the "technology" Jared Leto mansplained in the pre-show. Which, I guess when you take yourself as seriously as Jared Leto, aka Jordan Catalano, does, then this was super artsy and amazing and wow. All I kept thinking was it looked like those cheesy commercials for that Just Dance game. Seems gamers beat dear ol' Jared to being most hip.

Jack Antonoff is all of us watching Katy Perry bomb as host

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Not including her in any of this because I found her to be so incredibly awkward. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since that time I wore skinny jeans over a sunburn on an international flight. She did however gift us with an appearance by Nicki Minaj during "Swish Swish," for which we do thank her.

And that's it! I can't believe the show was three hours, more importantly, I can't believe I avoided Game of Thrones finale spoilers that were plastered all over Twitter. Where is my award for managing to do that.

I leave you with this absolutely necessary gif of Cardi B. See you in September for the Emmys!

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What Did We Learn from the 2013 MTV VMAs?

The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!

1.  MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.

2.  You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.

RiRi does not care for your fuckery.

Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.

Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:

3.  Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.

And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.

Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie.

4.  Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):

Shell bikini's are in, y'all!

5.  Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.

6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.

The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable.

7.  The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.

I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.

8.  Kanye West takes himself very seriously.

I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.

...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:

PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:

I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.