The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!
1. MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.
2. You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.
Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.
Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:
3. Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.
And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.
4. Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):
5. Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.
6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.
7. The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.
1. MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.
2. You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.
 |
| RiRi does not care for your fuckery. |
Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:
3. Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.
And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.
 |
| Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie. |
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):
 |
| Shell bikini's are in, y'all! |
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.
6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.
 |
| The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable. |
I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.
8. Kanye West takes himself very seriously.
I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.
...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:
PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:
I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.
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