What did we learn from the 2017 VMAs?

So E! didn't host a red carpet special this year because MTV thought they had a handle on everything alone. And the red carpet wasn't outside, instead everyone arrived into this giant, dark dome thing that MTV kept bragging had air-conditioning (similar to people in New York who boast about having an in-unit washer/dryer, BITCH WE GET IT). Also, everyone knows that being out in the Los Angeles sun with mere mortals is so 2016.

Because I know you're curious, here's a pic of me at the show. I'm shy. And I look a lot like Gal Gadot which is why I'm doing this Wonder Woman pose.

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Anyway, I was genuinely worried that I would be short on ridic red carpet moments because of the lack of Seacrest/Rancic, but alas, the MTV hosts delivered.

One such host, Gaby Wilson, wore a dress from the 2006 Wet Seal collection, featuring custom made Shaq shoelaces.

She provided one of the best moments of the night when cameras were panning back to her after a commercial break and she obviously did not realize her mic was on as she said "I don't know who any of these people are." I am absolutely positive she was referring to these child-sized boxes of skim milk:

This was the first time I didn't know of a new group. Ever. In the history of K-Mac. Which, to be honest it's sad that I've kept up with all of these emerging fetus acts, but this group. What. Why did four of them buy the same wig and let the one on the right get the discounted "can I speak to your manager" white mom wig?

Our girl Gaby also interviewed Jared Leto and his band Thirty Seconds to Mars and anyway he came dressed as the grand wizard of candy mountain.

Jared then proceeded to remind us that he loooooves to mansplain. A quick recap:

Jared: "Our performance will feature some technology that's never been seen before."

Gaby: "Oh really? What kind of technology?"

Jared: "...a technology that has never been seen before."

Gaby: "...yeah, I mean I know what you literally mean."

He then continued to prove why he is our ex-boyfriend by taking a jab at Gaby's youth with this exchange:

Jared: "The band hasn't been at the VMAs in four years. How old were you four years ago?"

Gaby: "...four years younger than I am now."

BOY BYE, GET THAT BUBBLE BATH BEARD OUT OF HERE. Which, speaking of horrendously creepy facial hair, we also had to endure this:

I don't know what creepy trucker convention both Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris arrived from, all I know is I've never felt a more physical rejection to something (besides that time I had "sushi" from that gas station). I can't linger on this section anymore because I fear they'll both materialize outside my window or something.

Enough with these wack ass dudes. Best dressed of the night:

Yes, Teyana Taylor is just wearing wide legged slacks and a white crop top, but you guys. Have you seen her face and hair in coordination with her bod. It's ridic. She must be one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and if you're ever looking for inspiration to go to the gym, just watch Kanye's "Fade" video. On my way to buy this outfit because I assume it'll have some sort of Teyana effect giving me instant abs.

I liked the simple yet elegant factor to Lauren Jauregui's red dress. Plus, who doesn't love underboob cutouts to air the tater tots out. Also, I bet those cutouts can serve as quasi-pockets if you're ever unsure of where to put your hands. Just put them in those little underboob hand holsters. As an aside, I have an entire dissertation about how perfect Lauren's brows are. They're insanely ridic and she just wakes up every day with them looking like that. She doesn't have to brush and detangle and fill them in like a paint-by-numbers situation.

I know Hailee Steinfeld's dress looks a little like a fancy wrinkled napkin, but I'm digging it. It has this great cutout perfect for placing a bowl of cereal on while you're eating lying down. Love the color and the length and the cross-neck deal that 2006-me would have clipped her Motorola Razr onto. Convenience!

I think I've made it pretty clear in past posts that I love Demi's current look. These MC Hammer-Aladdin pants look comfortable as hell yet they remain fancy because everyone knows bejeweling anything makes it fancy. And I'm a die-hard fan for nude colored bodysuit tops and have been since Britney did it in the "Toxic" vid.

Before moving onto the actual show I need to note my absolute favorite thing of the pre-show:

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Cardi B performed "Bodak Yellow," aka, the song I've been listening to on repeat in an effort to memorize the lyrics. I like having a song prepared should a mic fall into my lap at a birthday, wedding, funeral, etc. For some background, she's from the Bronx, was on "Love & Hip Hop: New York" and used to be a stripper. So what I'm saying is that my role models are now Hillary (Clinton and Duff), Amal Clooney and Cardi B.

To the show!

Kendrick Lamar. So hot right now.

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Kendrick Lamar literally set the stage on fire and had ninjas running around while performing "DNA" and "Humble" and I became angry again that Swifty beat him for album of the year at the 2016 Grammys. I saw him live just a couple months ago and I can verify that he is amazing. Even while he's rapping 120 mph, his voice is still smooth like cheesecake. He won 6 VMAs, including video of the year and was so humble (haha, good one) only making every single person on the planet love him more.

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Lil Uzi Vert (ginger) spiced up his life

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First off, having Ed perform right after Kendrick is like having a super flavorful, amazing entree only to follow it up with plain ass greek yogurt for dessert. But he did bring out Lil Uzi Vert and they did this mash-up of "Shape of You" and "XO Tour Llif3," which included Ed singing the hook of Uzi's song. And um, I'll just let Cardi B's reaction speak for me as well:

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Fifth Harmony snatched every single wig that I own

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When I first saw five silhouettes on stage, I was like, oh I guess Camila came back. But then the middle girl got ripped off stage making them a petty party of four and it was dramatic and extra and EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A PERFORMANCE. They sang a bit of "Angel" before segueing into the next part of the performance by doing this:

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They performed "Down" with Gucci Mane (plz watch it ASAP here) and their choreography was on point and just when I thought I was done screaming, Normani did this and completely slayed me:

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I involuntarily screamed "YOOOO OH MY GOD GIRL YAAAAAAS BITCH" and Bebe Rexha had exactly the same reaction:

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They concluded their performance with rain, which as we all know is my copyrighted stage finisher:

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My point here is that I am now bald and Fifth Harmony is to blame. Please don't let them Danity Kane themselves with a breakup anytime soon.

WHO THE HELL CUT OFF JULIA MICHAELS

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There's nothing worse than listening to Julia Michaels' amazing voice only to have it interrupted by an announcer saying "Next up, the exclusive premiere of Taylor Swift's new video" AND THEN CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL. I can't tell you how many times Taylor Swift has interrupted something I love. Like right now, she is interrupting this paragraph. GET OUT, SWIFTY.

Update: Shawn Mendes is 19

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Which means I am only like 1 1/2 dog years older than him and if Aaliyah taught me anything it's to dust yourself off and try again and also age aint nothin but a number, baby. (Also to clarify, I am not a creep, we have established that in the fact that he is 19)

Lorde really out Lorde'd herself

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Okay in her defense, she was sick, so I suppose that's why she didn't sing. Instead, we got this semi-strange but very Lorde'y interpretive dance set to "Homemade Dynamite." I love how she is at that level of fame where she doesn't even have to sing. Millions of people can just watch her dance to her own song. Totally down with that.

Demi stole my casual Friday outfit

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Don't y'all hate it when you find that perfect balance of a top held together by safety pins with cowboy pants only to find that someone else is wearing it first? So frustrating. Can't hate her though because, well, her voice is amazing and her dancers concluded the performance by death dropping. This is the one dance move in life I strive to learn. I haven't mastered it yet mostly due to the fear that my kneecaps will shoot out of my skin. But hey, who needs those pesky kneecaps anyway!

What cardio routine does Pink do

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Pink received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and performed a medley of all her hits, aka, songs every person knows every lyric to. She ran around and sang live and honestly I was exhausted. I imagine her workout routine includes her sprinting up Mt. Everest carrying every member of The Pussycat Dolls. 

The audience shots of her daughter and husband Carey Hart were entirely too cute:

She gave the sweetest speech, telling her daughter to love herself and that she is beautiful and reminded us why we love Pink and her no-BS attitude.

Logic had me feeling real human emotions

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Logic, Alessia Cara and Khalid performed "1-800-273-8255," which is titled after the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Suicide loss and attempt survivors joined them onstage and it was truly a moving performance that ended with Logic giving a pretty powerful speech about the importance of using his platform to address issues like mental health and depression. Definitely one of the best performances of the night.

Thirty Seconds to Mars or promo for that Just Dance game?

So infrared was the "technology" Jared Leto mansplained in the pre-show. Which, I guess when you take yourself as seriously as Jared Leto, aka Jordan Catalano, does, then this was super artsy and amazing and wow. All I kept thinking was it looked like those cheesy commercials for that Just Dance game. Seems gamers beat dear ol' Jared to being most hip.

Jack Antonoff is all of us watching Katy Perry bomb as host

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Not including her in any of this because I found her to be so incredibly awkward. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since that time I wore skinny jeans over a sunburn on an international flight. She did however gift us with an appearance by Nicki Minaj during "Swish Swish," for which we do thank her.

And that's it! I can't believe the show was three hours, more importantly, I can't believe I avoided Game of Thrones finale spoilers that were plastered all over Twitter. Where is my award for managing to do that.

I leave you with this absolutely necessary gif of Cardi B. See you in September for the Emmys!

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Yes, I watched the 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards

I was obviously drawn in by the catchy name for the show, which is literally called the Music Television Movie and Television Awards. MARKETING IS SPOT ON.

Please remember that I willingly seek out and watch any sort of programming that gathers 2 or more celebrities in one place. That's right. From the Oscars to a livestream of Amy Schumer eating falafel at a cafe with Jennifer Lawrence, I watch it all.

And so, as one of the approximately 10 people who watched the show, I felt it to be my civic duty to recap the evening.

BEST DRESSED, HANDS DOWN

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First off, I need a band-aid because the sharp, perfect angle of Zendaya's brows is cutting me to the core. Even as I write, I'm literally staring at a zoomed in photo because these are the brows that God imagined when he was thinking "What should eyebrows look like?" I absolutely loved this dress and Kermit the Frog color partially because of the open back. I have a really broad back, like Michael Phelps broad (except I don't stick to his workout regimen, only his 12k+ calorie per day regimen). So, anything that allows my big back to be wild and free is magical and worthy of a standing ovation.

As it turns out, I'm not over Zefron

As most of you know via my representatives, Zachary and I went through a pretty nasty breakup, which entailed a lot of me crying outside of his Hollywood Hills mansion and also an unfortunate face tattoo that I've since had removed. Anyway, lately I've felt completely past the Zef obsession, but then he showed up looking like the newest member of BSB and set my heart a flutter and anyway I guess we're back on. If we're being honest, he never lets me around him when he's wearing all white (which is generally every Tuesday and Thursday) because he says I always have chicken wings on my hands, which is both rude and true. Love is so complicated.

Clear heart, full brows, can't lose

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So Emma Watson and her flawless, British ass brows won MTV's first gender-neutral award of the night. And she gave an amazingly eloquent speech considering the venue and the fact that MTV gave an award last year for "Best Shirtless Performance." Juxtaposition, ya know. For a moment I thought I was watching a classy show or an actual awards show, kind of like when you wander into the "designer" shoes section of Nordstrom Rack. It feels fancy and you're like "wow, this is great," but then you step out into the aisle and remember the rest of the store is like a burning building and everyone is a headless chicken trying to save themselves by ripping clothes off racks. Back on point: Emma Watson: great speech, great brows, can't lose.

How I plan to enter every room from now on

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While I'm still not healed from Camilla Cabello leaving Fifth Harmony (but I'm brave so I know I'll make it), this girl knows how to enter a performance. I uphold that the two best things to do onstage are: 1) Descend from the ceiling and 2) Have it rain (like actual water not money). Dramatic, extra things are the point of becoming a performer (so Celine Dion tells me). She performed with J. Balvin and Pitbull and to be honest the sound for all of the performances (not just theirs) was...off? Some sort of odd echo or everyone's backing track was too loud. It's like when you're in the car singing "Genie in a Bottle" and you can't hear yourself so you're like "I'm doing pretty well," and then the track stops and you realize you don't sound like XTina and it's embarrassing for everyone.

BOO, HISS

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Look, I'm not petty about a lot of things except for everything related to celebrities and also everything related to my life. At the heart of Grand Petty Central is Allison Williams. Every siren in my brain goes off telling me she is in fact a terrible person, I can just sense it. And it's rare that my senses are off (except for the first time I smelled weed and thought it smelled like pistachios, when in fact, weed is not made of pistachios). Similar to how Chrissy T involuntarily evokes screaming and yas kween'ing, Allison IMMEDIATELY makes me boo. And who even boos these days? Me, that's who. If you haven't seen "Get Out," see it immediately because I am positive Allison Williams' "character" is actually just Allison Williams.

Oh okay, Gal Gadot

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To be honest, I've never been a fan of Wonder Woman but they make her look pretty badass in this new movie. And wtf, Gal Gadot, being gorgina while jumping through fire. This is also what I look like while lunging at the register at Chick-fil-A to get a breakfast biscuit before they stop serving breakfast. Anyway, it's rude for both her and I to look so flaw free while doing such physical activities and we're both very sorry.

Do Transformers and The Fast & The Furious just alternate releasing movies every year?

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I'm pretty sure Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel just alternate coming to the Movie Awards every year to say "And now, here's an exclusive clip from the latest Transformers/Fast & The Furious movie." They don't even have to edit the teleprompter. Who even knows if Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel are even separate people, for all we know, they're the same person just making a shit ton of money. They should conclude both series' with the robot car things battling out the racing car things and there's lots of fire and in the end Jordana Brewster's eyebrows are the only survivor.

UPDATE: I'm over The Zef

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Sources have confirmed I'm now dating Ross Butler. Accepting couple names on a rolling basis. #Kross #Rosti #McBut

Big Aiko are tiny and adorable

How long have Big Sean and Jhene Aiko been a thing? And when can we expect a collaboration? And why are they both so little and cute? These are the answers the universe wants.

Be still, my beating heart

Ashton Sanders and Jharrel Jerome won Best Kiss in a category that has generally been disappointing since Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won back in the day for The Notebook and recreated the kiss onstage. Ashton and Jharrel's win was the best and if you haven't seen Moonlight, what are you even doing right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to reiterate how much that movie made me feel real human emotions. A monstrous task usually only undertaken by wiener dogs.

Cool for the summer

I don't even know what to say here and to be completely honest, I don't want to linger on this too long because I feel Cara Delevingne is staring right into my hair roots trying to transpose my own hair onto her head. At first I thought she was wearing some sort of bald cap thing, but then I was like, why would anyone do that? Nope, this is just her head. And the face she's chosen to pair with said head. I mean, maybe subconsciously I'm just jealous because my own head has more peaks and valleys than a national park. Either way, easy breezy summer hair!

13 Stranger Reasons Why

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The cast of "13 Reasons Why" presented the award for Best Show to the cast of "Stranger Things" and it was so freaking cute. I personally enjoyed both shows and even read the book "13 Reasons Why," which is pretty shocking. And whatever, maybe I read it because I originally heard that Selena Gomez was going to be in the film adaptation. THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR. I read for knowledge which is evident by my serious, mature book collection spanning Twilight to The Hunger Games. Anyway, excited for season 2 of both shows, til then, enjoy this hugging.

And that's it! I leave you with this because I am emotionally confused and what does the heart even want.

See you May 21 for the Billboard Music Awards!

What did we learn from the 2016 MTV Beyonce Music Awards?

This weekend, I was awakened from my cryogenically frozen state to witness the MTV Video Music Awards. I like to think of the VMAs as sort of gateway drug to the rest of awards show season. They're like a Taco Bell soft taco -- something full of questionable things you get as a warm-up for bigger and better Crunchwrap Supremes.

2016 VMAs, here we go!

Our RiRi and her dancers opened the show wearing pieces from the exclusive Pepto Bismol collection by Vera Wang. 

The face I make when I pull into Chick Fil-A and realize it's Sunday
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Which, speaking of Pepto Bismol, she performed "Where Have You Been" and "We Found Love." Two hit songs I sing in the process of getting Chipotle. So this first performance (of four) held a special place in my heart. And by heart, I mean stomach.

Okay, so the Rihanna show was off to a great, stomach-soothing start. But then this leathery disaster happened:

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I am extremely confused by everything happening here. A leather track suit. He's wearing a green, leather track suit. Complete with drawstring pants. Because honestly, how many times have you been wearing leather track pants and thought, "Damn, I wish these had a drawstring." I am outraged for little Nicky -- who in his camp found these at Wet Seal or Guess and convinced him they were a good idea? What monster decided track suits were too comfortable and could be bettered by being made with non-stretchy, sweat-inducing material?

I was severely impacted by the Green Leather Incident of 2016. But then a flawless, beautiful creature descended upon this shit show and revived my spirits:

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I'll never forget Aug. 28, the day I died and the cause of death was Beyonce. I truly out-YAAASS'd myself, so much to the point I had no YAASS's left in me. And she didn't perform just one song. Or even two. FIVE. FIVE SONGS FROM "LEMONADE." Which, wasn't nearly enough. It was sad when the Beyonce concert was over -- similar to when you're eating a giant chocolate chip cookie, so full of hope and pure joy as it seems this cookie will never end. And then it does. #BeyCookie

Also really enjoyed this special baseball bat appearance. Little known fact: Beyonce invented baseball.

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Speaking of Beyonce, the Final Five Four (Gabby was sick!) presented her with the award for Best Female Video and I can't believe the internet didn't break. Simone! Beyonce! I think we know who Hillary will be choosing as her co-VPs. That woman in the black dress to the far right is me, in case anyone is wondering what I look like. I'm a proud mama, what can I say.

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I need to preface the next section with a disclaimer: I love everything Britney Spears does. I was with her during the head shaving and sloppy train wreck of 2007. I thought the "Blackout" album was amazing and still think "Gimme More" is an American classic. And I think it's perfectly normal for her to walk around disgusting gas station bathrooms barefoot. So, if she wants to come out quite literally attached to marionette strings and not even pretend to lip synch dressed in a Borat bathing suit, I AM 100% ON BOARD. 

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Really love how most of her critics continue to say "she poorly lip synchs" and blah blah. BITCH, DO YOU THINK WE CAME HERE TO HEAR HER SING? OR DANCE? OR MOVE LIKE A HUMAN? WE CAME FOR BRITNEY, BITCH. Personally, I respect her dancing that is a combo of trotting around the stage and posing and hair flipping. With a lot of hand miming or whatever it is she's doing with her hands. Borat Britney is something I will blindly and passionately defend.

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I completely forgot to mention there was a SoulCycle break during the show:

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The ponytail formerly known as Ariana Grande performed a song that I can't remember the name of because I was too concerned with the fact I didn't have cycling shoes. Can I even be in this class? Her performance with Nicki Minaj ended with them pushing guys faces into their crotches, which is pretty standard following any exercise class.

Reminder: Use "Bitch Better Have My Money" as the song to walk down the aisle to and make this face while reciting my vows:

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After apparently missing half of the show, making him one of the lucky few to miss Kanye's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs speech, Drake finally arrived all dapper and ready to present Rihanna with her MVP trophy. 

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A few things:

• Drake has what appears to be the smoothest beard in the world. I imagine it feels like one of those soft throw blankets at the store, that when you feel how soft it is, you make your friend come over and touch it. 
• I will hold on like frozen Leo to the Drake and Rihanna dating rumors.
• I feel like Rihanna is the type of person who can go out until 4 a.m. and drink 18 bottles of vodka, then get french fries and five hamburgers on the way home and wake up the next morning looking fresh and flawless ready for a magazine shoot. Whereas, I can look at Chinese takeout noodles and get bloated. Face all puffy and shit for weeks.

In case you read through this and still wondered, what is the major takeaway from this year's show? The answer is Beyonce.

Thanks VMAs! One soft taco down, 10 Crunchwrap Supremes to go. 

What Did We Learn from the 2013 MTV VMAs?

The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!

1.  MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.

2.  You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.

RiRi does not care for your fuckery.

Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.

Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:

3.  Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.

And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.

Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie.

4.  Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):

Shell bikini's are in, y'all!

5.  Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.

6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.

The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable.

7.  The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.

I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.

8.  Kanye West takes himself very seriously.

I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.

...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:

PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:

I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.